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It’d been going on for a while; the scars ran up and down his arms. His thighs hurt too much when he did it there, so his arms were the last resort. It didn’t hurt much, and was easy to hide with makeup borrowed from his mother. Now, staring at the lines littering his arms, he felt briefly ashamed of what he was about to do. But as always, the monsters in his head reminded him that nobody cares. Not really.
After all, when you’ve perfected a mask to hide your sorrow, you can’t expect someone to see beyond it. In his heart, he knows this, but even in his clouded mind he still wishes someone would have. What he would have given for somebody to help him, pull him from the darkness wrapped around his heart. But that's not how the universe works, is it? So without further thought, he set to the task.
Still, as he sat on the floor of the bathroom with his back to the counter, he found he truly didn’t care anymore. Or couldn’t care. It was momentarily frightening to the setter, to finally realize he truly felt nothing toward living. All he could see was red, and frankly, he thought it was beautiful. He felt the warmth as he moved his hands in motions he’d become accustomed to, and all the tension left him. His hands still shook, as did the rest of him, but he no longer felt the weight in his mind. All of his thoughts had come to a halt as he listened to the drip, drip, drip of the red onto the floor. It was sickeningly wonderful to watch and he couldn’t help himself. Not when this was the only solution he felt had anymore.
Except it was momentary bliss as he was ripped from his peace when his phone lit up across the floor, vibrating against the linoleum. Even from here he could read the name, Daichi. He sighed through his nose, ignoring the upbeat ring tone as best as he could. He didn’t want to be stopped, not now, and not even for him. This had gone on for too long. He added some more cuts, but none quite as deep as they’d be coming along. He wasn’t even sure why. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it?
Then the phone rang again. He gave another shallow cut above the wrist.
And again. He began another but hesitated.
And again. Finally, he paused entirely, hand above his arm.
When the phone rang a fifth time, he became frustrated enough that he slammed the blade onto the floor, watching it slide toward the phone as if the universe had controlled it. Not that it mattered to him, or that's what he kept telling himself. Clumsily, he reached for the phone, ending up mostly on his stomach as his hand slipped from under him. His face hit the floor first, sending a wave of pain through his skull. He was vaguely aware that his hand had slipped on his own blood, spilling to the floor. Blinking his eyes open slowly, the phones bright screen wasn’t far from him, still ringing. His friend always was persistent when it came to the well being of others. Moving it near him, he finally answered and put it on speaker against his better judgment.
“Suga! I’m so glad to hear your voice.” He sounded so relieved, and Suga felt a pang of guiltiness in his chest, but it was quickly overwhelmed by the storm of his own emotions raging in him.
“What do you want Daichi?” It came across utterly bored sounding, and it was almost comical to the setter as he lay on the bathroom floor, bleeding from his own self-inflicted wounds.
There was the briefest pause from the other end, “I…I was worried about you. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine Daichi, go to bed. You have practice tomorrow.” As soon as he’d spoken, he heard his own mistake. He cringed internally as he heard the sharp intake from his friend, cursing under his breath. Nobody was supposed to catch on, not now. He’d made sure to act his usual self. He didn’t want anyone involved, especially not Daichi.
“See, that there!” His friend's voice came through louder this time, the hint of worry now bold and turned into a tone of outright concern, “You aren’t including yourself in things! And today, while walking home, I said I’d see you tomorrow. You didn’t reply. Suga, you aren't acting yourself; you know you can talk to me about anything.”
Suga said nothing, listening to Daichi as his eyes suddenly felt heavier.
“Please Suga, nothing is too silly, if that’s your fear. I don’t like seeing you like this, you’ve been so distant. I know you don’t think people notice but Suga, I’ve known you for so long now. It's like my job to notice. So…please. Talk to me.”
It was like a knife to the heart; but his heart was long cold and dead, “You can’t fix this Daichi.”
“You don’t know that Suga, let me try. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“Daichi, please. Leave it be.”
“Suga, just talk to me!” The setter wasn’t sure he’d ever heard his friend so desperate. Still, he was clueless on what to say, so he said the only thing on his mind.
“Y’know,” He started slowly, refusing to look at the phone, as if Daichi could see through the connection, “Red is a pretty color.
There was nothing but breathing for a moment from the other end, and briefly, Suga wondered if he was connecting pieces he shouldn’t connect. He knew that even if Daichi showed up, it would probably be too late. And he wouldn’t be alive to see the consequences.
“…What?”
“You heard me,” Suga laughed lightly, “it’s such a pretty color. My favorite has always been yellow but, I think it’s red now. Maybe it’s always been.”
“Suga I’m coming over.”
“Don’t bother Daichi, there’s no point,” He grimaced as he surveyed his own damage, “I’m not worth the time or effort. Maybe I never have been.”
“No! That’s not true! Stop talking like that, this isn’t you Suga!” He could hear the sounds of feet hitting concrete and a car starting.
Suga knew he had to end it now before he did get there to try to stop it. Daichi didn’t live far, and he cursed himself again as he knew he’d led this on. Even as he tried to end it, a part of Suga tried to reach out. But it was too late for that now. He’d left two notes, one for his parents and one for Daichi. He couldn’t find it in himself to write ones for anyone else. Blindly, he reached for the blade, tuning out Daichi on the phone. Two last cuts, one on each arm deeper than the rest. He was vaguely aware of the intense burning in his arms even before he’d made his final move, as if his body was anticipating it, and wondered if he’d made it clear why he was doing this in his letters. But none of it mattered anymore. Just don’t think, It’ll all be over soon.
“Daichi.” It came out as a whisper, and he heard Daichi’s voice cut off, unsure of what he was yelling to begin with.
“…Suga?”
The blade ripped down his arm painfully, and then the other, and this time he grunted softly as he did so. The way it poured out was satisfying to watch, the way it fell to the floor. The pain dulled as he began to lose himself and the blade fell from his hand as he roll onto his back, arms beside him on the floor. He nearly laughed at how freeing it all felt. How disturbing it was to only be able to think of how pretty his blood was, falling across pale skin. How pretty the lines were, littering his arms. A habit he'd left unknown to anyone.
“I love you.”
He then managed to end the call, refusing to let the man he loved more than life itself hear his last breath. His eyes fell closed and he was acutely aware of how cold yet warm he felt as he lost the energy to keep his breathing steady. Soft, sad tears fell from his eyes, as even in death he couldn’t regret what he’d done. Life was too much and he’d tried for so long. He laid there for a long time, unsure of if it was minutes or hours as he felt colder. His mind flickered through memories as he lay there, all ones spent with Daichi.
If only I’d been stronger for you.
The last thing he heard was the sound of a door slamming.
—————
Daichi,
I’m sorry it’s come to this, and I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. What I’ve done is foolish and stupid; cowards end to a sad life. I don’t see the point in continuing down this path anymore. Life holds nothing for me anymore, not for someone as useless as I am.
I’m no good at volleyball, the only thing that ever really brought me joy. I wasn’t good enough to be on the starting line up this year; all my experience laid to waste in the eyes of pure talent. I don’t hold any hate, or even dislike, toward Kageyama but it proved to me that I’ll never be good enough. Sure, I can set well enough and plan attacks decently, but why would a team want an average setter when you have someone like Kageyama? In the end, I will never compare.
I’m certainly not good enough at school. I make high marks sure, but I’m not smart. I just memorize what I can. Someone like you can hear a lesson once and score perfect marks on the exam. How do I compete with that? Others would never be able to tell, but all I’d do it waste my life away trying to even stand among those who are good enough without trying. What kind of life is that?
I’m the black sheep of my family, the reject, and outcast. Sure, they never say it to my face, but I know they say it behind my back. Everyone else does. Call me the lost boy, a sinner, the disgusting fag. That’s all I am and all I ever will be, all because I was doomed from the start. My fate was predetermined; I’m nothing more than a waste of space. I can’t change who I like, I tried that. It got me nowhere except further in the hole that is my existence.
So I hope that, someday, you’ll forgive me. Forgive me for being the selfish asshole that I am, because this is selfish, isn’t it? I think it might be, but I don’t think I care anymore. I’m tired of trying to care when I just don’t. I think the only exception is you Daichi, I truly care about you, despite what you may feel from what I've done. You’re my best friend and you mean the world to me, but all I’m going to do is bring you down. I will destroy you unintentionally and I refuse to let that happen. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I don’t have the will power to go on. I’m sorry for letting you become so wrapped up in this life of mine. I’m sorry for how much this will hurt, no matter what I say. I’m sorry for everything Daichi, I really am. I’m sorry I love you because it’s made it all so much harder to come to terms with. You do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind. Curse me, hate me, wish you’d never met me. Do what you need Daichi, just know my love for you was never fake. I’m sorry my self-hatred has won. Please understand that this isn’t your fault. This world just isn’t my place, and I’m not a fighter. I love you, Daichi Sawamura.
Forever yours,
Koushi Sugawara
------------
Daichi could feel the hot tears running down his cheeks as he read the letter over and over again. He hadn’t moved from his spot since someone, probably an officer, had handed him the note after it’d been examined briefly. He was oblivious to the sounds around him, the police and EMTs becoming background noise as he stared down at the note. He’d barely made it, the phone call prolonging the intent long enough. The last thing he’d heard before truly zoning out was “…in critical condition.” Distantly, Daichi knew Suga’s parents were out of town and felt his grip tighten as he was at a loss of what to do. Surely by now, someone had called them, and he could do nothing but come to terms with what he’d just saw.
Daichi jumped a mile as a gentle hand landed out his shoulder, spinning to meet the sympathetic eyes of a young female officer, “I’m very sorry for startling you sir, I was just hoping to ask a couple questions if that’s alright?”
Wordlessly, Daichi nodded, and she smiled softly as she leads him to the porch steps. The Volleyball Captain wasn’t even sure when they’d made it outside but it didn’t matter at that point. They both took a seat and Daichi was suddenly very aware that his eyes were still bloodshot and puffy, his hands were still covered in blood. Suga’s blood-
“Alright, I’m going to ask you a few simple questions about yourself first, is that alright?”
Daichi nodded slowly, not quite meeting her eyes.
“What is your name?”
“D-Daichi Sawamura.”
“Alright Daichi, how old are you?”
“I’m 18…I turned 18 in December.”
She smiled softly, “That’s good. Now, where do you go to school?”
“I…attend Karasuno High. I’m a third year.”
“Very good Daichi,” She smiled before suddenly looking a little more serious, but still gentle nonetheless, “Now, I’m going to have to ask some more personal questions. They may be hard to answer but, I need you to try. Do you think you can do that for me?”
“Y-yes.” His mouth felt so dry suddenly, knowing what was coming.
She pulled a small notebook and pen out, “Now Daichi, what is your connection with Koushi Sugawara.”
Daichi let out a shaky sigh before answering, “We…we’re best friends. I’ve known him since…since about Elementary school. But we never…really talked until Middle school. We’ve been friends ever since.”
“Very good,” her hand moved quickly across the page as she wrote down her notes, “Were you aware of Koushi’s…situation before arriving?”
In all honesty, Daichi hadn’t known anything. He’d called insistently on a gut feeling and had raced over at the way Suga had responded to him. Except now, he wasn’t sure it was a gut feeling, at least not entirely.
“I called him because of a gut feeling,” he told the officer honestly, “but I think, now, it wasn’t entirely just that. W-we play Volleyball together. I’m the Captain for Karasuno high, and Suga is Vice Captain. He’s always…always been the biggest motivator on the team. Always offering advice or friendly support. These past few weeks though he just…didn't seem himself. More downcast. I thought maybe it was just the idea that we’re graduating getting him down. If I asked he would just brush it off.”
He paused to collect his thoughts, the officer continuing to write in the notepad silently, “I think that, maybe, that was involved in my reaction. I hadn’t planned to come over but…Suga sounded so defeated over the phone. So unlike himself. He’d been even more distant at practice today, so much so a stray ball collided with his face. And…and when we walked home, I said I’d see him tomorrow. He just smiled and walked away. And I just…I just…went with it. Didn’t think anything of it.” Slowly, Daichi was losing the small resolve he’d made with himself, fresh tears running down his face, “F-fuck! If I had just…just told him to come over. Made him tell me what was wrong. I could’ve…I could’ve-”
“Daichi.”
He paused, finally looking up from his own hands that he hadn’t even known were his point of interest, eyes connecting with that of the young officers.
“None of this was your fault. You couldn’t have known if he didn’t want you to know,” Slowly, she placed a hand on his shoulder, “We had to read the letter before we gave it to you. It had to be documented as evidence. That being said, he cares about you. So much so that, blinded by his own self-hate, he still thought this was the best solution. But Daichi, you saw through the facade as best as you could. Because of your concern and determination, he’s still breathing. You’ve done everything you could have done, and you need to try and remember that.”
By the end of her small speech, Daichi was aware of how hard he was crying, hiccuping every so often. He’d been crying before sure, but the severity of everything had come crashing down on him in an instant. How real it all was. How close he’d come to losing Suga…
Distantly, he wondered what the team would say at seeing their Captain so unlike himself, but he couldn’t care. Fuck having a reputation if it means that he can’t allow himself to really feel. He opened his mouth to say something but, lost all words as a soft sob fell out, hands quickly flying to his mouth as his eyes blew wide. Daichi couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like this and found himself struggling to breathe.
“Inhale for 4 seconds Daichi,” the officer's voice rang in his head and he did as she said, as best as he could, “that’s good, now hold it for 7 seconds.”
Daichi could feel his tenseness easing but his tears wouldn’t stop, “Now exhale for 8.”
They repeated the cycle a couple more times, long enough for the young Captain to get a grip of himself and stop hiccuping. His tears still flowed, albeit slower. The officer gave a gentle smile as she asked if he could answer just a couple more questions. He nodded slowly, not 100% sure of himself, but wanting to try for Suga’s sake.
“Now Daichi, I want to know exactly what you did when you arrived. Take as much time as you need, I just need to be able to put it on record. You aren’t in any trouble.”
Daichi nodded, inhaling deeply before answering quietly, “I burst in through the front door. Suga and I…we exchanged keys a long time ago. Our parents are good friends and were okay with it, so long as we don’t barge in at ungodly hours. I called his name but I didn’t get a response. So I ran to his room. He wasn’t at his desk or on the bed, so I glanced into the connecting bathroom. I…I saw his foot through the door, it was slightly shut. It looked like he was on the ground so I burst in, and…and…” He trailed off, turning to stare out into the driveway.
The officer was mostly as he collected his thoughts, gently asking if he’d like a blanket. Daichi nodded silently and was briefly aware it was a shock blanket. He didn’t feel as if he’d gone into shock but, who knew what was what anymore.
“He…was laying there.” Daichi began again, still staring at the driveway, “I shook his shoulder before I was aware of…of what he’d done. There was blood everywhere…my first thought was he’d been attacked. Or maybe it was my first hope.I’m not sure. But, with what he’d said on the phone and the fact that the…the thing was still near his hand I knew that wasn’t the case,” He wiped his eyes briefly, unconsciously, “So…I did the only thing I knew to do. I dialed 911 and threw my phone onto the floor on speaker. Then I grabbed towels out from under the sink and put pressure on his arms. I don’t even remember what I said to the operator…something about that I think he’d tried t-to kill himself and his address. Probably to hurry. I don’t really remember much after that just…just trying to stem the bleeding and pleading it was a bad dream, for him to wake up.”
Daichi finally let out a huge breath, wondering how he’d gotten through the whole thing without breaking again. He felt…numb almost. Was this what shock feels like? He wasn’t sure.
He waited anxiously for the officer to finish jotting notes, giving a small smile at Daichi when she finished but he still felt cold, “That’ll do for now. You may be contacted in a few days for further questions but don’t worry, it’s just protocol. Now, one more question but I promise this is easier to answer, although I need you to be honest. Do you feel safe driving?”
He hesitated, weighing his options before ultimately answering, “N-no. I don’t think I can focus on the road enough…”
She nodded before standing, offering him a hand and gently helping him to his feet, “Alright, thank you. Do you think you can call your parents for me? I can escort you home or to the hospital, it’s up to you, but I need to tell your parents.”
“C-can you talk to them for me…?” Daichi felt like a little kid again, asking his teacher to tell his parents he was sick because he was afraid to talk on the phone, “I don’t…I don’t think I can explain it again.”
“Alright, Daichi. Should I tell them we are going home or to the hospital?”
“Hospital…u-unless they say otherwise!” He was quick to correct himself, knowing his parents may want him home, so they could go with.
Quickly, he pulled out his phone, ignoring the pang in his heart when he saw his lock screen. The picture of him and Suga from their freshman year, both smiling, covered in bruises from practicing receives until neither could stand. But they still took the photo as a reminder of the fun they had. Shaking his head, he quickly dialed his mom’s cell, handing the phone to the officer.
“Hello, is this Mrs. Sawamura?” Daichi watched as she walked a short distance away, whether to get away from the other officers going in and out or spare him from hearing the story again he was unsure. He reclined backward on the step before closing his eyes, lost in the memory that lock-screen held.
—————
It was a bright day out, but there were just enough clouds to make it bearable. They’d been out there for ages, spiking to each other back and forth, practicing their receives. By now they were covered in grass and dirt, arms and legs littered with bruises. Sprawled on their backs, they both were breathing heavily, tired after the hours spent out there. But it was always worth it, to both boys.
“Y’know Daichi, volleyball is much more fun now.” Suga turned to his friend lying next to him, grin as bright as the sun itself.
“You think so?” Daichi couldn’t help but smile back at his silver friends' enthusiasm, “I’m so much more tired now with all the practicing. I think my arms would happily be done with receives if I just walked away from it.”
“But Daichi!” Suga sat up in surprise, staring at his best friend in alarm, “you’re the best receiver of the first years!”
Daichi laughed before tugging Suga back down into the grass, “I think that’s a bit much of a compliment, besides I was only kidding.”
He laughed lightly as the junior setter thumped his chest lightly before rolling onto his side to face Daichi better, “You ass, I know that! But seriously, I don’t think I’d continue playing if you weren’t there. What would a setter be without his wing spiker?”
“Suga, there are like, a ton other spikers on the team.”
“Yeah, but they aren’t you! Remember, you promised me we’d stick together through at least high school, Daichi!”
The young spiker chuckled, “Suga, how in the world do you remember what promise we made like, 3 years ago?”
Suga looked offended momentarily, “Because it means a lot to me Daichi! Do…do you not feel the same way about it..?”
“No, no, no, that’s not what I meant!” Now it was Daichi’s turn to roll onto his side, “It means the world to me too. I’m just surprised you remember it. It was a bit silly.”
“Of course I do Daichi, I don’t break my promises if I can help it!”
Daichi grinned at him, “Neither do I Suga. So lets make these years the best of our lives, playing the sport we love.”
“Aye Captain!” Suga giggled lightly as Daichi’s face turned red, poking his cheek, “You will make a good Captain you know.”
“Oh hush you, I will not. I’m content as I am.”
“Just wait Daichi, you’ll see. You’ll be the best Captain Karasuno’s ever seen, and you’ll get us to nationals!” His friends face was one of pure determination and it made Daichi’s heart sing.
Still, Daichi sighed fondly, shaking his head, “Suga, the goal is to get to nationals before our third year. What then, if we make it this year, or even next?”
Suga pondered this for a moment, before becoming enthusiastic, “Then you’ll get us there again! Trust me Daichi, like you always have. You’ll be an amazing Captain,” Suga paused before smiling mischievously, “and I’ll be your awesome Vice Captain!”
“Alright, alright, you win.” He sighed in fake annoyance before lying back on the grass, hands behind his head. His body was sore, and he was mentally exhausted. Nobody told you sports take all your mental strength as well as your physical strength. But, regardless, he felt renewed from their brief talk.
Daichi and Suga, never one of them without the other. He liked it that way. Glancing to his right, Daichi could see Suga staring up at the clouds, a small smile gracing his lips. No, he doesn’t like it this way, he loves it this way. Like it’s him and Suga against the world. As if nothing could stop them, no matter how big an obstacle.
—————
So where did it all go wrong? Daichi wasn't sure he'd ever have the answer to that.