Archive of Our Own

If Thor had got up first on a Saturday, that meant he was in the workshop. Steve could hear Queen coming through the walls of the kitchen- which meant he didn't want to be disturbed just yet. He contented himself with dressing in sweats, making cereal and checking various feeds on his phone. He was pretty surprised to see Loki emerge before midday, dressed in pyjama bottoms, and pulling his arms into a stretch.

'Morning,' he grunted 'Thor working?'

'Yeah,' Steve managed through a mouthful of cereal.

'Fair enough,' Loki sighed, setting about making tea.

'Why you up so early?'

'Raid was called off,' Loki sniffed 'One of the guys has the flu and the other one's broke up with his girlfriend, I decided to sleep instead.'

'Jesus,' Steve raised his eyebrows.

'It happens,' Loki said, 'when you deal with weakling mortals.'

Steve rolled his eyes and turned back to his phone, a reminder popping up with a blip 'I need to call Bucky,' Steve muttered to himself, setting the phone down 'then get on with my anniversary gift.'

'Anniversary gift?' Loki raised an eyebrow 'please tell me you mean your's and Thor's anniversary or something, because otherwise that's kinda sick.'

'I did, it's tomorrow and what else-' Steve froze when he met Loki's eye, pointing to a tiny window charm, holding tiny stars, planets and pieces of colourful glass, that hung glinting and tinkled in the sunlight. He knew who it represented.

'Oh.'

'Yeah 'oh',' Loki snorted 'it'll have been four years next week.'

'Oh jesus,' Steve buried his face in his hands 'I didn't even know-'

'Shocking,' Loki said with a smirk 'listen, he's the happiest I've seen him at this time of year, he's usually pretty stoic and stuff in public, but I know what he's like in private. On the actual day he mostly listens to sad heavy metal ballads and drinks. Now that he's got you, maybe he'll be able to finally progress up to actually talking about her.'

Steve glared at him, but Loki just took his tea and headed back upstairs with a salute 'Good luck with that by the way!'

Steve sat in the living room flicking through his anniversary gift for Thor- he'd been accumulating sketches for the last six months or so of him, Thor, him and Thor, Thor's workshop, Steve's motorcycle (a 1983 Harley-Davidson Sportster 1000 that Thor adored and threatened to steal) and various interiors of Thor's house that he shared with his brother. Some he left in pencil, others got an ink and wash, the bike got lovingly rendered in airbrush and all were stuck together in a thick, leather bound sketch book. When they'd got together properly, he had no idea that it was a week before Jane's death, Thor never said anything- then again, he'd spent the week with Bucky after he'd returned from Thor's place. Bucky had been bad that week; removing-all-sharp-objects-from-the-apartment bad, it had pretty much refocused his attention. He didn't even think much about Thor he'd been so busy. Perhaps this gift was a bit insane for a first anniversary? He'd never stopped to think about how over-the-top it was since they'd only been together, officially, for a year.

He looked over to a single shelf in the corner, baring one framed photo of Jane Foster. She was so pretty, with huge brown eyes, long brown hair and a delicate heart-shaped face. There was a candle next to the frame to, Steve figured Thor lit it every year on her birthday or something. He had seen it before, but never really looked at it. He'd never even really asked Thor about it because... it was his. Thor rarely talked about it, rarely even acknowledged it so... it seemed like it was none of Steve's business.

Was it his business now? Had they been together long enough for it to be his business? Who knows.

He rang Bucky instead and was happy to hear him in a good place 'I'm just working on the blog actually,' he said, sounding chipper if a little bit tinny over the bad signal 'plus your video tutorials are bringing it in like no-one's business. We're good Steve.'

'I'm happy to hear it...'

'You don't sound that happy, what's up?'

Steve cursed his tone, he should never ever burden Bucky with his (comparatively trivial) problems, but now that he had noticed he couldn't let him worry.

'Just... I might have over done it with my gift for Thor.'

'How so?'

'The sketchbook, isn't it a bit... much?'

'Nah Steve, it's fine! I looked through it before you left, it's gorgeous. I did skip the pictures of Thor's junk- didn't want to check out my friend's boyfriend's business.'

'Jealous?'

'A little.'

He laughed and Steve sighed with relief 'Okay, are you-'

'I'm taking my meds, I have a plate of bacon and eggs in the making and Sam is coming round to take me out to lunch.'

'… Good.'

'Good.'

'I'm glad to hear it.'

There was a long pause before they both laughed 'You're a dork Buck.'

'You're a meatball Rogers,' Bucky gasped 'gotta go, bacon's burning!'

'Run! Save it!'

'Bye ass-face!'

'Bye!'

The line went dead and Steve relaxed for the time being. At least Bucky seemed okay and if Sam was coming over, it meant there was another person keeping him company. Even better. A huge weight off his mind.

Loki sauntered into the living room, flopping down and spreading out a large piece of leather, along with a thick sewing awl 'Talked to my brother yet?'

'No,' Steve held the book closed 'just... waiting for the right moment.'

'Chicken,' Loki poked the first hole with a grunt.

'Listen, if you're going to be jerk-'

'Being a jerk's my thing,' Loki said, not looking up from his sewing 'and look, my brother's a reasonable guy. Has he let his wife's death been an issue between you two yet?'

'No.'

'Then just don't bring it up. Just have your anniversary and have done with it.'

'But I don't want to look as if I'm trying to... I dunno, step on his memories or something.'

'He's blunt enough to tell if you were doing that,' Loki rolled his eyes 'how about if I tell you a bit about Jane, so you're filled in.'

'That's his business, if he wanted me to know he'd tell me.'

'Alright! Then just go to his workshop and talk to him, for the love of God, stop moping about the place.'

Steve took Loki's advice, which on reflection, was his first mistake (and soon to be his second mistake as well).

The workshop was a converted, extended garage with enough room for Thor's pick-up, Loki's moped (it was a moped, no matter how many times he insisted it wasn't) and 'Valhalla'- the actual workspace. He could hear Princes of the Universe belting out of a souped-up hi-fi system and Thor singing along in a loud baritone, hunched over his work-table. He was actually sitting and working on something small, probably a piece of jewellery- a pendant piece or something similar. He took commissions all the time.

'Hey!' He called over the sound of Freddie screaming 'Bring on the girls!'

Thor nearly leapt up spinning round and just stopping himself from dropping a lit micro-torch on his foot, liberally swearing in Norwegian.

'Sorry!' Steve held up his hands 'You okay?'

'Yeah... just,' he was shaking, from having narrowly escaped a third degree burn 'what's up?'

'Uh-' Steve edged forward as Thor picked up the torch, carefully, and turned it off, setting it behind him 'I was wondering if you had any plans in mind for later? Or tomorrow?'

'Just go out for drinks,' Thor shrugged and sat back down 'no big deal, I've got a lot of stuff on my mind so...'

'I understand, it's cool,' Steve said, scruffing the ground 'just... yeah.'

He turned to walk away, Thor going back to his work, apparently absorbed again.

'I'll just go then,' he said, lost and more than a little hurt.

'Okay. I'll be up in an hour.'

'Right.'

Steve stayed, rocking back and fourth on his heels 'Can I watch? I love watching you work.'

'Actually, this is... personal. I'd prefer if you didn't watch.'

That stung, but Thor still had his back to him, so he didn't catch Steve's expression. Personal? Seriously?

'I'll be in the house then.'

He didn't even turn this time. Jesus!

'Let me know if you need anything!' Steve tried 'Coffee, a sandwich or-'

'Seriously, are you leaving?' Thor's sudden snap was like a slap 'Because this is pretty important, I'll pay attention to you in a bit, but this is-'

'Important! I get it! Fine!' Steve stormed away, feeling as though someone had taken out a leg. Caught between being angry and feeling guilty for apparently being a jealous, over-bearing psychopath- he wasn't was he?

Thor was an hour and half, most of which Steve spent pacing around the living room, too pent up to draw, too tense to eat- he went up to Loki's room, hearing him talking to someone over Skype.

'Loki? Can I ask you something?'

Loki spun his chair round, headset still attached and sighed 'Hang on, I'll be back,' he said into the mic and took it off.

'What's up?' He asked.

Steve was taken aback by how easy that was, but recovered 'Okay, I want to know a little bit about Jane. A little bit okay? Not too many details, just so I don't screw up and say something stupid. He seems pretty... grumpy this morning.'

Loki took a deep breath, then laughed a little 'Really? Cause you might say something stupid anyway, plus he'll get pissed at me for breaking his confidence. Jane's something of a no-go area.'

'Then why'd you offer earlier?'

'Cause I was curious,' Loki got up and went over to a tall glass terrarium where, amongst a collection of exotic branches and greenery, lurked Jormungand- Loki's pet milk snake, a smooth, lazily-moving creature with white, red and black striped skin. Snakes, big or small, made Steve uncomfortable to say the least, but Loki extracted him from the enclosure and let him wind lazily around his arms.

'Hello Jorgy, want to say hello to Uncle Steve?'

'You need help,' Steve edged back to the door 'and what do you mean you were curious?'

'I wanted to know how you'd react to being offered the chance to hear my brother's tragic back-story,' Loki pouted at the snake 'it's a classic. Jane was pretty much the love of his life, he was obsessed , literally never stopped talking about her.'

'Right.'

'She had been sick before they met, but that didn't bother him. The best part is that our Dad didn't approve, told him he was setting himself up for heart-break and Thor just marched off and married her. The irony was that, for once, I agreed with Odin and we were proved right to.'

Steve winced 'Jesus.'

'They were married for five years before she died, she was pretty sick for the last year, but they made the most of it.'

'He said she was a scientist...'

'An astrophysicist,' Loki was using baby talk with the snake 'she was pretty sharp, me and her were pretty much frenemies, y'know? I liked her, but I kinda hated her to.'

'Why?'

'She took all of Thor's attention, when I was going through some rough stuff at school. Looking back I was being kind of a douche, but hey ho, perspective and all that. Plus I knew she was going to die, like soon and break my brother's heart and I resented her for that. Stupid I know.'

Steve held up his hands 'Okay, I think I've heard enough,' he pinched the bridge of his nose 'he probably thinks I'm being over the top clingy when he's in rough spot.'

'Only one way to find out,' Loki smiled at him, holding up the snake's head next to his and spoke in a baby voice 'ask him Uncle Steve!'

Steve just shuddered 'You are not right.'

'I am also never wrong,' Loki waved the snake side to side, gently 'I see all...'

'I am so glad I picked the right brother,' Steve went back to find Thor and, amazingly, he managed to resist the urge to run.

Thor was still in his workshop, same place, now gently tapping something carefully with a series of graded hammers. The music had now moved onto Iron Maiden, Thor humming along to Aces High . Steve coughed 'Okay, coming into the workshop so don't freak out and nearly injure yourself!'

Thor just sighed and laid down his hammer 'What's wrong?'

'You've been down here a while and I was just wandering-'

'I'm working, sorry, it's taking longer than I thought and I want this to be good so,' Thor turned back 'so unless it's important, can you leave me be a while?'

Steve took a deep breath 'Look, I know it's a tough time for you and I don't want to feel like I'm imposing or trying to some how replace Jane-'

The sound of the hammer dropping to the floor was like a thunder clap. Thor stood up and stalked over to the hi-fi to shut the sound off.

'Listen, Steve,' he said, in a tone that suggested barely contained anger 'I want space. I want this piece to be as perfect as I can get it. Please just... leave.'

He walked back, leaving Steve stunned and shaking in his wake. He was not ready for the final solar plexus punch that followed.

'And do me a favour and don't talk about Jane okay? Ever. It's none of your fucking business.'

'So it don't go well then?' Loki was putting something in the microwave when he found Steve, sitting and nursing a cup of coffee.

'I... think I'm going to go home.'

'Ouch, it really didn't go well,' Loki pressed the buttons and set it going 'oh dear.'

Steve got up, picking up the sketchbook that lay on the table 'If he does emerge, tell him I'm that I've gone home and sorry I bothered him.'

Loki watched him leave, picking up his duffle bag, slamming the front door behind him and caught him tossing the sketchbook into the paper recycling box as he headed for his bike.

'Moron,' he muttered under his breath 'both of you.'

He had made it to a gas stop when he got a phone call from Thor, he glared at it for a moment before ignoring the call. His place was a good hundred mile drive from Thor's, he would be home before Bucky. He was glad he'd have the time to just blank for a while and try not to think about what a colossal mess he'd made.

He had another fifteen missed calls by the time he got home, angry and putting his phone on charge. 'Asshole,' he muttered, before falling onto the couch. Bucky was out, as predicted, so he just gave in and let himself cry and curse for a good hour, thankfully pulling himself together before the door buzzed. He couldn't let Bucky see him like this.

'Hey.'

He frowned at Thor, who stood in the doorway, a bag slung over his shoulder, looking... well, pretty much like Steve did.

'Hey,' Steve managed, standing aside to let him in 'what's up?'

Thor walked in, taking Steve's un-protesting hand 'I am so, so sorry.'

Steve just shrugged 'Whatever, I'm sorry for-'

'You've got nothing to be sorry for,' Thor took both his hands 'I'm sorry I snapped, that I said that to you- look, can we sit? I've got a speech and everything.'

'Sure,' Steve gave up and let himself be led into the living room, Thor pulling him onto the couch. He took a few deep breaths before starting 'Steve-'

'Before you start, you don't owe me an explanation, okay? Jane's your business, like you said, I never meant to-'

'She's gone, has been for a while. Not that long and it.. still hurts. It will always hurt, but... it's lessened, eased off since we've been together.'

Steve said nothing, but Thor held his cheek and smiled 'You've done so much for me, we've only been together for a year and... it's like I've woken up again. Didn't think it would happen again.'

That... caught him off guard. Steve softened to him a little, holding his hand over Thor's and smiling a little 'I've been thinking, when I went in to your workshop and... You were making something for her weren't you? I should've-'

'No, actually. I didn't forget our anniversary, I wanted you out because you'd see what I was making and- well-'

He fished into the bag and held it out- a simple silver thumb ring. There was a textured, bashed in quality to the metal that felt really good under his touch. Thor took it back gently 'I was going to give it you tomorrow, but after Loki told me you took off...'

'Hey it's okay,' Steve stared at it lovingly 'it's lovely. Thank you.'

'It's not too... soon right? Just wanted to make you something simple you could wear whilst you worked-'

'No no! It's great, I love it and- aw fuck! '

Steve fumbled for his phone ' Shit shit shit shit!'

'What?' Thor looked at him as he panicked and hurriedly dialled.

'I may have put your anniversary present in the trash! Oh god oh god!'

'You mean... this?'

When Steve looked round, Thor was holding the sketchbook. He smiled sheepishly and handed it over.

'Loki gave it to me, he fished it out of the recycling.'

Steve clutched in relief and fell back to the sofa 'Thank Christ, oh man!'

'I haven't looked.'

When Steve turned, he saw Thor just... looking at him. His eyes were insanely blue and clear, staring at him, making him feel stunned and strangely... powerful. Like he was safe again.

'Forgive me?' Thor asked.

'Yeah... I do, if you forgive me,' Steve leaned in closer.

'For what? Mentioning Jane? I can't go through life never talking about her. Not fair to you. Not fair to her either. She wouldn't have wanted that.'

Steve nodded 'She sounds... amazing.'

'She was. Still is in a way.'

There was a long silence. Steve watched the tears well in Thor's eyes, holding his hand and kissing him on the cheek. Thor turned to him to kiss him back, hard, on the lips, hands clutching at his hair. They broke apart, breathing hard and shaking.

'I-' Thor began, choking a little 'I'm gonna say it and I am not sorry.'

'I love you.'

Thor somehow glared and smiled at the same time 'You beat me to it!'

'Thank god to, because if I'd misjudged that-'

'I love you to.'

They probably could have progressed from there, but Thor just stayed, burying his face into Steve's shoulder.

'She was so small, even before the cancer really took hold. She seemed to just... shrink. There was nothing I could do. I...' he voice cracked 'she was so fucking clever. So dedicated. She didn't deserve- Jesus I'm sorry-'

'No, it's okay,' Steve held him close 'keep talking.'

'I loved her so much,' Thor's voice was bubbling and drowning in tears 'she was so precious and good and kind... and beautiful. Especially when she was explaining stuff. She listened to. Asked questions and understood to...'

Steve just let him pour out his grief for a while, not saying anything. Just listening. Feeling his own tears drip into Thor's hair. He didn't go into details, just lists. Description. Jane did sound pretty wonderful. He wished he could have met her.

'I know she's gone,' Thor said, thickly, 'I have you now. I'm so god-damned lucky to have you. You're such a good guy.'

'Thanks!' Steve smiled 'And... look, it won't ever go away. I know that. I won't replace her, just be there. Be here.'

'I know that,' Thor nodded 'I've just... never shared this with anyone. This... crying. Just... it's kinda pathetic. I could have recovered by now if I hadn't just bottled it up-'

'That's not how it works, trust me,' Steve said 'it just gets less raw, never heals.'

Thor leaned up to face him, eyes a mess of blotchy tears 'Wanna come back with me? Just for the night?'

Steve nodded 'Sure thing. Do a proper anniversary.'

'Yeah. Yes please and.. I want you to come back for next week to.'

Steve's stared 'What... even-'

'Yeah. I don't want to be alone this time.'

'Sure... I'm honoured.'

'Hi honoured, I'm Thor.'

There was the kind of laughing you only get after a long bout of tears- a tired, delirious kind of laugh that spoke of relief and exhaustion.

'Wanna ride on the bike?'

Thor smiled weakly 'Oh god, I love you.'

'You can't have it.'

'Dammit.'

They ended up cuddling and sweaty in bed, a tangle of limbs and lips.

'If I asked you to move in-'

'I'd say not yet, I have Bucky and your brother has the creepy fucking snake.'

Thor sighed 'True, okay. One step at a time.'

They had plenty of time. Steve just curled up with him, feeling Thor relax and sigh. He was safer now, Steve was going to stay. He really was. They were going to take their time with this. Steve held up the thumb ring to the light, looking at it's surface for a while, just enjoying the time they had. Warm bodies and still so much ahead of them.