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“It’s all over for me.”
Dazai can’t breathe. His chest tightens and his lungs squeeze out all the air. What makes it past his lips is a choked cry, a last attempt of pleading with his friend. His hand reaching out with the urge to grasp the back of his sandy beige coat to pull him back and hold on tight.
“Odasaku! Don’t go!”
But he keeps walking. Farther and farther out of Dazai’s reach. Arm falling back to his side, he watches in a muted kind of horror as his friend walks away, without glancing back. He’s being left behind; he realizes and the thoughts makes his throat tighten. Left behind by his only friend. If Oda leaves now, if he goes, Dazai would have nothing left.
He cannot let that happen.
“If you leave now, I’ll…” He fumbles with his words, trying to think of something that would make Oda stay and reconsider. His panic speaks for him, words rushing out faster than he can think them through. “…I’ll kill myself!”
Oda stops walking.
Dazai feels air rushing back into his lungs when Oda turns around. Blue eyes narrow, a silent sort of anger in them that nearly makes Dazai shrink back, but if he falters now, Oda will go.
And he doesn’t know if he’ll see him again.
“Don’t joke about such things.” Oda says in a low voice, a warning.
Dazai scoffs, heart beating too fast to be healthy. “It’s never been a joke to me.” He raises his chin, daring Oda to disagree. “You know that.”
Oda frowns, brows furrowing. He looks hesitant and Dazai latches onto the weakness in his determination with a grip of steel.
“I’ll do it,” He says, the words ringing true. He’d at least try and that has to be enough. “If you go now and leave me here, I swear I will.” It’s unfair to use such a threat. To manipulate Oda for his own gain, but this is the first time he uses such a tactic for someone else’s benefit. To save instead of to hurt someone.
“Don’t,” Oda says sharply, walking back and the cold fury in his eyes tell Dazai he’s won even if it doesn’t feel like victory. For a moment he thinks Oda will strike him, sees his hand twitching, but he keeps his fists clenched by his sides. He towers over him, a full head taller, with his eyes glassy from crying and raw. “you’re being unfair.”
“So?” He challenges, shrugging and resisting the urge to touch him when he’s within reach. Craning his neck back to look Oda in the eye.
“I’d thought you’d respect my decision.” Oda steps back and looks away, lips twisting downwards. “I guess I was wrong.”
It stings. More so than the blatant rejection of his near begging. For Oda to imply Dazai doesn’t care when he should know better. When he's heard how Dazai had thrown his feelings into his face. All in the hopes of persuading him to wait instead of rushing off in his grief to kill himself at another's hands. He takes a step back as if slapped across the face.
It’s the loss talking. Dazai doesn’t know how painful it must be. Because the only thing he doesn’t want to lose is standing in front of him and refusing to look at him.
“You’re not being fair either.” Dazai snaps and tries to cling to his anger born out of the pain in his heart. But the soft drizzle of rain washes it away in the next breath. “I’m selfish, manipulative and cruel.” He lists off, a self-deprecating smile. “But you knew that. I’ve made it very clear and yet you stayed. Why?”
Am I not enough of a reason for you to stay? He doesn’t ask. Am I so unimportant to you in comparison to your kids that you don’t care if you lose me as well?
It’s a line Dazai won’t cross.
Oda finally turns to look at him, incredulity in his gaze. His thoughts must be clear to read from the expression on his face, because Oda’s gaze softens the tiniest bit.
“Why?” He repeats, demanding an answer and ignoring the way his voice shakes. “Why would you stay after you’ve seen me at my worst but insist on leaving when I’m trying to show you my best?”
Thunder roars in the distance. Lightning flashes across the sky and Dazai wants to scream.
Tell me, are my feelings so weak they don’t have the strength to reach you? Is my honesty not good enough? Are you going to leave me like everyone else did, just like I said you would?
Oda steps closer, face full of misery and pity. “Because I’m your friend.”
Dazai’s breath catches in his throat. The warmth filling his veins chases away the chill of the cold and brings forth a fierce throb of affection.
“Then, why won’t you let me help?” He takes a step forward. “You’ve only let me see the best of you. I want to help you through your worst.” Like you’ve done for me. He thinks, lunging forward to close the distance and wraps his arms around Oda in a hug.
Oda tenses in his hold, muscles growing stiff. But Dazai clings on, ignoring Mori’s coat which has fallen off his shoulders into a puddle of dirty rain water. They’re both drenched to the bone from the rain and this close he can smell the smoke from the fire in Oda’s clothes. The tobacco brand he likes to smoke is faint in his nose. But he’s warm and hasn’t pushed him away yet, so Dazai holds on tight, trying to soak up the warmth he offers.
“I’m sorry,” He mumbles into Oda’s chest feeling him shudder.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for not hiding them better, truly I am. I’m sorry I’m not good at this, that I’m not what you need right now but please let me try.
There’s no need to list of his misgiving in detail. Because Oda understands what he’s meant to say all along. Long before Dazai could manage to put his feelings into the right words.
With a shiver and gasp, Oda’s arms, which have been hanging limply by his side, come up to crush him to his chest. Oda buries his face into Dazai’s hair, choking on a sob, body trembling. It’s uncomfortable. The hold too tight, almost bruising and each quiet sob makes Dazai’s chest twist and throb in sympathy. But Oda is here, in his arms and Dazai endures his heartrending sobs silently. He doesn’t know what to offer to comfort, lest of all he steps on a landmine and it blows up in his face. As long as Oda is within his reach, he’s at ease.
When Oda’s sobs turn silent, Dazai pauses on rubbing his back, straining with the effort to hold him up.
“I know what you want to do,” He says quietly into the fabric of a wet cotton shirt. “but let’s do it together, okay?”
Oda pulls back far enough to peer down at him, eyes puffy and red. He looks like hell, bangs sticking to his face, skin ashen. “You’re serious, aren’t you?” He sounds tired, a reprimand laying on the tip of his tongue but he thinks better than to voice it.
“I’m just going to be your plus one,” Dazai offers him a humorless grin for show, gesturing to the invitation of invitation Oda had shown him earlier. He's pick-pocked it out of Oda’s pockets without his knowledge.
Oda’s eyes widen in alarm. “You don’t mean—”
“Odasaku wants to go now, doesn’t he?” Dazai’s eyes flicker across the map, burning the sight into his memory before he folds it and stuffs it into his own pocket. “Then, let’s go.”
“But—”
“Odasaku.” Dazai’s voice turns serious as he pulls out of the lose embrace to look him in the eye. “You misunderstood me.”
Oda frowns.
“Earlier when I told you not to go, I meant without me.” Dazai jerks his thumb towards his chest. “I’d be happier if you choose a different path, but as you said, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t respect your decision?” He wets his lip, pausing before a smile spreads across his face. “I want Odasaku to be happy, preferably alive, but if he decides he cannot be, who am I to force him to live with a choice he didn’t make for himself?”
Oda stares at loss for words.
Dazai nods. “I’ve been there myself you know.” He gestures to his bandages. “I’d be a hypocrite if I’d stop you. So, even if I want to, I won’t stop you if you decide you want to go. All I’m asking is for you not to leave me behind.”
His lips twist into a grin and he reaches up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind his ear. “Besides, double suicide has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?” He tries to wink. But with the gauze wrapped around his head, shielding his other eye from sight it could have been a blink.
“You won’t change your mind.”
“No.”
“Okay,” Oda agrees, the small smile on his face not reaching his eyes. “Don’t you want to take your coat with you?”
“Eh…” Dazai wrinkles his nose, looking over his shoulder. He goes to pick it up from the puddle. “It’d slow me down too much.” He sees Oda cup his hand around the end of the cigarette in his mouth, to light it up. “You think it’s gonna catch on fire if I wring it out?”
“Isn’t it your favorite?”
“Far from it,” Dazai snorts, wringing the water out of the trench coat. He swings it around before holding it out. Oda flicks on another match, holding it to the fabric after Dazai gives him an encouraging nod. It takes a few minutes but the material catches on fire.
“Good thing it’s made out of cotton.” Dazai notes, dropping it to the ground when he deems the fire too big to for the rain to put out. He turns on his heels, walking off and Oda follows him, breathing out the smoke.
They walk in silence for a bit, Dazai typing on his phone and Oda finishing his cigarette. Neither willing to break it.
“Do you have a weapon on you?”
“I’m an Executive,” Dazai deadpans, sliding his phone back into his pocket. “Though my strength lies in strategies and analyzing the battlefield, I do know how to defend myself.”
He stops walking, pulling up his lifting his suit pants to reveal an ankle gun holster.
“A Glock 26?”
“Yeah,” He smooths the fabric back down and stands, arms stretching above his head. “You’d be surprised about the number of weapons I carry right now. My suits tailored for that exact purpose, so you don’t need to worry about me.” He pets his jacket, adjusting his tie with a coy smile.
“Good,” Oda mumbles, stepping through a puddle. He throws a side-eyed glance Dazai’s way, who perks up and reaches out to link their arms together. His fingers curling around Oda’s upper arm. “Don’t let yourself get shot when you have the chance.”
“That was once,” Dazai huffs, puffing out his cheeks, the picture of a petulant child. The thought stings but Oda shakes it off when Dazai tugs on his jacket. “I won’t.” He says and the words hold a promise. “Either together or not at all, right?”
Oda nods as they walk over the bridge. With his gaze stuck on Dazai he doesn’t see the running figure until they collide. He staggers back a step, an apology on his lips. The figure stumbles and falls, umbrella flying out of their hands.
“Hey!” A young man shouts, holding his bag to his chest as he sits cross-legged on the floor. “What’s the big deal?! You should take a moment to watch where you’re going next time! You could’ve made my drop my bag full of detective jewels…” He complains.
“A detective?” Dazai asks in amusement, hanging onto Oda’s arm. The guy bristles, picking his umbrella and himself off the floor.
“Not just any detective,” He proclaims, eyes almost completely closed. Dazai snorts. No wonder the guy ran into them if he’s rushing around blind and here he thought he’d have a tough time with half his vision.
“I’m a genius! The best of the best. Soon, everybody in all Japan will know my name! There’s not gonna be another detective near my level of skill, so—”
“What a coincidence,” Dazai interrupts cheerfully. “I’m a genius too!”
“Dazai,” Oda murmurs, turning around to walk away. “We need to go.”
“Hold up, wait a moment!” The guy gestures wildly with his hands. His voice is loud enough to startle Oda into pausing as he watches the guy pull out a pair of glasses from his vest.
“Just you wait,” He says as he unfolds them. “You’re gonna take me serious as soon as you see my ability in action. Don’t go and write me off yet, you hear me?” He places them on his nose. “Let’s see.” And turns to look at them.
A car drives by, splashing water onto their legs.
“I’m impressed,” Dazai laughs, shaking his head when the guy does nothing but stare at them. And here he’d thought he’d see an ability worthy of his time before the fight. Instead he’s given a few laughs. The guy was nothing but hot air. His fun cut short. No Longer Human was the most fun to use on strong and flashy ability users. Their dumbstruck expressions when their abilities vanished with a touch of his hand were priceless. The horror and panic filling their eyes...It never failed to amuse him.
“What’s your ability? X-ray vision?”
“I know we’ve just met,” The guy’s eyes slide open, a dazzling shade of green. Dazai keeps the smile on his face, but his laugh cuts off at the sharpness of intelligence lurking in them. “but I would advise against going where you’re heading.”
“Oh, and why is that?”
“If you go there,” The guy says, voice serious. “you’ll die.”
How odd.
Dazai presses himself closer to Oda, tightening his hold on his arm. “Yeah,” He says with a smile. “We know.”
Green eyes flicker between them. Glancing from Dazai’s bandages to their linked arms and then to their faces. “I see.”
“A double suicide, isn’t that nice?” Dazai sighs dreamily, turning away from the burning stare. His hand slides down Oda’s arm to clasp his hand and to interlock their fingers. “Side by side, together till the end. I can’t wait!”
Oda’s hand squeezes his own.
“Wait!” The guy calls out when they turn to walk away and Dazai scowls, getting ready to scare him off. But when he glances over his shoulder, the guy is hurrying to open his bag. He pulls out a notebook and a pen, scribbling something down before ripping a part of the paper off. “Here.”
“A number and address?” Dazai asks, raising a brow.
“It felt right,” The guy shrugs, putting away his things. “I’ll open a Detective Agency. If you prove me wrong and survive the night, which I doubt you will, because I’m never wrong, you can give me a ring. We need all the good heads we can get.”
So, the guy noticed at least one of them was mafia. It would be impressive, if Dazai's get-up wasn’t a dead-giveaway for his job. At least for most people with average observation skills and self-preservation instincts.
He has half a mind to rip it to pieces in front of his face, just for his audacity to jinx them. But the guy narrows his eyes like he knows what he wants to do, which is ridiculous because Dazai isn’t predictable enough for a stranger to guess what’s going on in his mind. So, he stuffs it into his pockets with a roll of his eyes.
“Sure,” Dazai decides to humor the guy because he’ll be dead in a few hours, so who cares? “We’ll give you a ring, Mister top-notch detective.” His words full of condescension, he pats his pockets and waves. The guy makes a noise of outrage at being spoken to like a child and storms off with a huff. Much like Elise would for not getting her way.
“What a weird guy.” He says, tugging Odasaku along with a skip in his step. They were getting nearer and nearer to their final destination.
“It was nice of him to warn us.”
“A waste of breath, you mean,” He swings their joined hands. “as if we didn’t know. And he was rude too! Running into you like that with his eyes closed and then demanding an apology from you. For not watching where you were going.”
Oda remains silent in response to his words. He glimpses at him from the corner of his eyes as they trudge through the dark streets. Their shoulders brushing against each other every other step as the cars got fewer. Soon the street lights faded into trees. Leading them up to an abandoned building waiting in the distance.
“Is there something on my face?” Dazai tilted his head to the side. “You’ve been staring at me for the past few minutes when you think I’m distracted.”
“Is there anything you would miss?”
Dazai blinks, considering the question with a quiet hum. “I suppose having a last drink with you for would’ve been nice. A celebration to saying farewell to this world.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Oda shakes his head and Dazai tightens his grip, nails digging into the rough flesh in his grasp.
“I know what you mean,” He’d have to be an idiot to miss the implications. Though, not as big as an idiot as Odasaku turns out to be, if he thinks Dazai would turn around now for anything in the world. “—and I’m telling you to forget it.”
“You’re still so young.” Oda mumbles like he isn’t in the beginning of the prime of his life himself. “With a mind like yours, you could do anything you want.”
“That’s the problem, isn’t it?” He scoffs. “I don’t want anything. I won’t miss anything, because everything is boring to me. But you…” He pauses, eyes softening as he turns his face away. “I’d miss you.”
More than anything, he doesn’t say. Because Oda already knows he’s all Dazai has left. The only connection he finds worthy to cling to despite his claims to the contrary. It’s the reason he doesn’t outright send Dazai away.
He halts, well-aware if they went any further now they’d run into enemy territory.
“We should split up,” The best course of action in such a hopeless situation. They don’t expect Oda to have company and while he’d lose in a fist-fight, he’s quick on his feet. He knows how to be stealthy and to dodge bullets with the ease of years of practice. “I’ll take the other side and we’ll work our way into the main part of the building.” He reaches into his jacket to pull out his gun and walk away, but Oda’s hand around his wrist pulls him back.
“What—”
When he turns and catches sight of Oda’s face he freezes.
The solemn look on his face is alien. Lips pressed into a thin line, his bloodshot eyes shining. It's the face of a man knowing he'll be hanged and seeing his children watching in the crowd. It's already branded into Dazai’s mind, vibrant and raw. A memory he won't forget.
“This isn’t a goodbye.” Oda insists. His grip around Dazai's wrist restricting but comforting in the way tortured screams are to let you know the other person’s still alive.
Dazai smiles, weak but sincere. “It’s a see you later, then?”
“We’ll do it properly,” Oda promises, voice lowered into a whisper. “When we get to the main hall.” He looks like he wants to say more, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. But the moment passes and the odd glint in his eyes is gone before Dazai can analyze it down to the smallest detail. So, he tugs his wrist free, feeling Oda’s reluctance in releasing him, how his fingers linger a bit too long and lets it go.
“Of course,” He doesn’t want the last sight of Oda tainted with misery. Peace after getting his revenge is the least, he deserves and Dazai will try his hardest to gift him that. “It’s a promise between friends.”
They share a brief smile before turning away from each other, walking off into different directions. It’s not the first revenge mission Dazai is a part of, but the most meaningful. It’s personal on a level the detaching business of the Port Mafia has never gotten close to.
And like all the missions he takes an interest in, he’ll fulfil it.
“There’s a saying in the Port Mafia: The misfortune of your enemies is to have you as their enemy.”
Oda had told him once, in the quiet solitude of their bar and drinks. He’s found it funny, to refer to those opposing their organization as his enemies. It would give them too much power, too much importance. He didn’t care who it was he had to kill, be it foe or ally, he didn’t care either way. He had no enemies, he only had prey he had to put down like rabid dogs.
But this time he’ll live up to his name in his full bloodthirsty glory.
Because Mimic had become what no one else has managed.
Clicking the safety off his gun Dazai took aim, curling his finger around the trigger.
—and shots.