Work Text:
Remus Lupin to Super Mario Bruvs: Peter. What the fuck is your latest Instagram all about?
Peter Pettigrew: wat do u mean
James Potter: yeh my eyes can never unsee that
Sirius Black: it’s stunning pete. ignore them
Remus Lupin: It is a shirtless photo of you cradling several bottles of essential oils with the caption “just started my #oilyjourney. cant wait 2 hav my life changed. contact me if you want to start ur journey and 4 more details” and then a bunch of hashtags having to do with “oily living”.
Peter Pettigrew: oh do u want 2 buy sum??
Sirius Black: absolutely
Remus Lupin: Did you get sucked into another pyramid scheme?
Peter Pettigrew: wat??? no!!!! this is the real deal!!
James Potter: lol you said that about the herbal coffee
Sirius Black: and the kitchen knives
James Potter: and the diet supplements
Remus Lupin: And the push-up bras. My personal least favourite.
Peter Pettigrew: i hav been wrong b4 but this is legit!!!
James Potter: pete PLEASE switch jobs. you have too much free time at your desk
Remus Lupin: And for some reason you choose to spend all that time on Pinterest, which is rife with pyramid schemes.
Sirius Black: yeh u have gotten suckered into an impressive number of scams
Peter Pettigrew: is this u all tellin me 2 quit and sell oils fulltime??
Remus Lupin: ABSOLUTELY NOT
James Potter: that is…. almost the opposite of what i said
Sirius Black: do it. live ur best life.
Peter Pettigrew: thx sirius!!
Remus Lupin: What have we done
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Peter Pettigrew to lily: Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?
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Lily Evans to James: hey uh…. long time no talk. hope you’re doing well. um this is kinda awkward but are you aware that peter is involved in an essential oil pyramid scheme? i got a pretty wild message from him earlier today
James Potter to Lily: wow hi yes im doing well hope youre well
James Potter: and yes i am…. all too aware of this
James Potter: i am very sorry he messaged you. normally he limits the attempts to recruit to within our friend group and we can talk him out of it before it gets to this stage
Lily Evans: so… peter getting involved in pyramid schemes is like… a normal thing??
James Potter: unfortunately
Lily Evans: i guess that does make sense. he did almost get talked into becoming a mormon by those people on campus like 3 separate times during uni lol
James Potter: oh wow throwback
Lily Evans: anyway… best of luck dealing with this mess!
James Potter: thanks… we will need it…
James Potter: and good to hear from you :)
Lily Evans: you too :)
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Peter Pettigrew to marlene: Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?
Marlene McKinnon to Peter P: what the actual fuck
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Marlene McKinnon to Little Women: why the fuck did peter pettigrew just text me trying to get me involved in an essential oil pyramid scheme
Lily Evans: ah yes forgot to tell you all
Lily Evans: that is…. a thing™
Lily Evans: i got a text from him a few days ago
Dorcas Meadowes: he was always wildly gullible
Mary Macdonald: yes… remember the time with the scientologists in the student union?
Marlene McKinnon: vividly
Lily Evans: anyway i texted james about it and apparently he has gotten involved in a number of pyramid schemes
Mary Macdonald: you texted james???
Dorcas Meadowes: ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Marlene McKinnon: ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Lily Evans: um yes but it’s nbd i was just making sure he’s aware that his friend has been suckered into some kind of essential oil based scam
Mary Macdonald: suuuuure
Marlene McKinnon: mhmmmm i’m sure that was your only reason
Lily Evans: oh piss off you lot it’s been 2 years can we let it go??
Dorcas Meadowes: let what go? that insane sexual and romantic tension you had with potter for all of final year that you somehow never acted upon? let that go?
Mary Macdonald: my ship will finally sail!! it is happening!!
Lily Evans: it was not insane sexual or romantic tension!! i just thought he was super fit and we were friendly. that was it. end of story.
Marlene McKinnon: you went from hating him first year to practically ruining any pair of panties you wore around him by the end of final year
Lily Evans: marlene ew wtf
Mary Macdonald: (she’s not wrong)
Dorcas Meadowes: you were both ridiculously into each other. it was nauseating. seems like the universe is giving you a second chance
Lily Evans: um that is absolutely not what is happening!! we had like a 2 minute conversation about his friend! that’s it!
Lily Evans: and besides, if he had really been into me, he wouldn’t have completely ghosted me after graduation
Mary Macdonald: well i personally think you should give james a heads up that marlene got a message from pete. he’d want to know…. ;)
Marlene McKinnon: yes i am practically traumatised from the experience! pray tell stop him before he does any more damage!
Lily Evans: i hate you all
Lily Evans: but… fine i will!!! only because he legitimately would want to know!! that’s it!!!
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peterpettigrew posted a photo: there is a reason the Lord put all these plants on the earth! there is a reason essential oils of plants have supportive properties that benefit EVERY SINGLE SYSTEM in the human body! (immune? check! endocrine? check! respiratory? check! reproductive? check check check!) it’s not a hoax. it’s not a fad. it’s not a trend. it’s not a placebo. it’s real, unbelievable, undeniable SUPPORT! from plants and from an entire community of amazing women <3 #essentialoils #oilymom #oilymomsofIG #oilscureall #oilingoutloud #diamondstatushereicome #everydaywellness #oilymama #nontoxicliving #bossbabe #myoilyday #happyliving #happylivingessentialoils #holistic #naturalhome #womenshealth #plantjuice #giveashit #ihavemyoilsnowwhat
siriusb: omg i am also living that #oilymama #bossbabe life!!! luv this community of women!!!
rjlupin: Peter stop copying and pasting the exact captions from other people in this pyramid scheme. There is so much wrong in this post I do not even know where to begin.
jamespotter: since when do you believe in god
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Lily Evans to James: hey! not so long time no talk this time lol. just letting you know that peter reached out to marlene about the essential oils so… do with that what you will
James Potter to Lily: that tracks
James Potter: hes joined some kind of “oily living” instagram community. its getting out of hand. he just quit his job and our whole flat smells like a bunch of candles had an orgy
Lily Evans: i offer my condolences in these difficult times
James Potter: thank you. your support means the world.
James Potter: i dont suppose you have any tips on how to rescue a friend from a pyramid scheme?
Lily Evans: lol nope can’t say that any of my friends have ever gotten involved in one
James Potter: your friends always were much smarter than mine
Lily Evans: except remus of course
James Potter: oh yeh i was not including him in that generalisation lol
Lily Evans: how is remus btw?? he doesn’t really post on social media so i have no idea lol
James Potter: hes good! a year and a half into his doctorate now. always on the verge of either sobbing or throwing things at us. but hes getting good grades and his thesis is on track so… yes i will stick with good
Lily Evans: haha that sounds like him. tell him i say hi!
James Potter: will do!
James Potter: and tell marlene that we all apologise for peter. and probably warn mary and dorcas. i expect them to hear from him at some point.
Lily Evans: lol can do
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James Potter to Remoaners: pete you need to stop trying to recruit people you havent spoken to in years into your pyramid scheme
Peter Pettigrew: um is not a pyrmid scheme!!
Peter Pettigrew: Message template to send to concerned family and friends:
Happy Living Essential Oils is a Multi-Level Marketing Company. MLMs are insanely popular in today’s market and are completely legitimate.
What an MLM is not and what Happy Living is not is a pyramid scheme. A scheme implies trickery. Pyramid schemes are scams. A scam is a “dishonest scheme or fraud” but there is nothing fraudulent about a MLM! Everything about the business structure is forthcoming and honest. When you go look at Happy Living’s compensation plan, you can see where all of your dollars go.
When you are purchasing anything from any MLM, what you are doing is not only supporting the company that made a product, but you’re also supporting your friend.
You’re buying local. You’re helping pay for a little girl’s ballet classes & supper for a family. You’re investing in that little boy’s college fund & school supplies for him. You’re supporting families that you know & so many that you don’t!
An MLM uses the costs that a company would normally use for marketing & gives it to families so they can build their own dreams & create a business for themselves. It is so far beyond paying big bucks to top level execs, but gives everyone an opportunity to create an income for themselves!
Buying from your friend instead of another random company is the biggest investment into them to say, “I believe in you”.
Remus Lupin: THAT IS LITERALLY A COPY AND PASTE MESSAGE FROM YOUR PYRAMID SCHEME!!! YOU EVEN COPIED AND PASTED THE PART TELLING YOU WHO TO SEND THIS MESSAGE TO!!!
Sirius Black: the message you sent does mention dollars and last time i checked we were still using pounds in this post-brexit uk
James Potter: even padfoot is pointing out flaws in this. thats how you know its gotten serious.
James Potter: fuck wait no dont do it
Remus Lupin: Please no
Sirius Black: IM ALWAYS SIRIUS
Sirius Black: LIKE MY NAME!!!!
Sirius Black: GET IT???
James Potter: ANYWAY
James Potter: pete, lily told me youve sent both her and marlene messages trying to recruit them. this needs to stop
Sirius Black: hold up
Sirius Black: did u just say lily
Sirius Black: as in… lily evans? the long lost love of ur life?
James Potter: i mean yes but that is not the point of this conversation
Sirius Black: it is now!
James Potter: remus please help me
Remus Lupin: No I’m actually with Sirius on this one. You spoke to Lily??
James Potter: traitor
James Potter: but yes. she messaged me a few days ago to let me know that pete had tried to recruit her (A DISCUSSION I WOULD LIKE TO RETURN TO PLEASE) and then again today saying he had messaged marlene
James Potter: she says hi to you remus btw
Remus Lupin: Aw tell her I say hi as well!
Sirius Black: not me?? rude
James Potter: but the extent of our conversations have literally just been talking about PETERS INVOLVEMENT IN AN ESSENTIAL OIL PYRAMID SCHEME AKA A TOPIC I WOULD QUITE LIKE TO RETURN TO
Peter Pettigrew: is not a pyramid scheme!
Remus Lupin: Peter, I see you typing and I swear if you paste that propaganda message again, I will remove you from the chat.
Peter Pettigrew: no plz dnt
Peter Pettigrew: and i hav just been trying 2 give sum old friends the incredible oppertunity 2 be there own bosses and live healthy, nontoxic, oily lifes! wats wrong with tht??
James Potter: beyond the obvious pyramid scheme part of this, we also havent spoken to the girls since graduation
Sirius Black: yes and whos fault is that
James Potter: not mine!!! i texted lily asking her out and she never responded!! and then never responded to any of the messages i sent her after!!
Sirius Black: o right I forgot
Sirius Black: nvm screw lily
Remus Lupin: Be nice.
James Potter: no its not really her fault either. clearly i misread the signs or something
James Potter: or i actually listened to you, which is never a good idea
Sirius Black: debatable
James Potter: point is! its been 2 years. im over her. we have had 2 very basic conversations (well kind of considering the circumstances) and will probably not have any more. end of story.
Remus Lupin: So you’re saying that if she didn’t text you again, you’d be totally fine with that?
James Potter: yes i would be. like i said- over her!!
Sirius Black: lol well we will see about that
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Sirius Black to Oily Mama: hey pete i think you should try dorcas. she strikes me as an oily living type of gal
Peter Pettigrew to sirius: rlly??
Peter Pettigrew: ok!!!
Peter Pettigrew: i dont hav her number tho
Sirius Black: try dming her on instagram
Peter Pettigrew: good idea!!!
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Sirius Black to The Doctor: i am saying this now- i am doing this for the best and u should all be thanking me
Remus Lupin to Hand Model: What did you do
Sirius Black: what needed to be done
Remus Lupin: What. Did. You. Do.
Sirius Black: ;)
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peterpettigrew: Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?
dorcasmeadowes: not even a little
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Dorcas Meadowes to The Thot Circle: well i got my solicitation from peter
Marlene McKinnon: lol you are the least likely person to get sucked into this bs how does he not know that
Dorcas Meadowes: i mean he did hit on me once at a gay bar so
Lily Evans: this is getting out of hand
Mary Macdonald: full honesty- i feel kinda left out :/
Marlene McKinnon: don’t worry i’m sure yours is coming lol
Lily Evans: yeah probably
Lily Evans: doesn’t seem like the boys have been able to talk him out of it yet
Mary Macdonald: you should probably let james know. just sayinggggg
Lily Evans: fine. but only out of concern for his friend. NOT FOR ANY OTHER REASON
Dorcas Meadowes: suuuure
Marlene McKinnon: you don’t have to explain yourself to us ;)
Lily Evans: don’t push me or i will sign you all up for starter packs from happy living essential oils
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Lily Evans to James: you’ll never guess what happened
James Potter to Lily: dorcas or mary
Lily Evans: dorcas
James Potter: sigh
Lily Evans: mary is feeling a bit left out
James Potter: oh i doubt she will have to feel that way for long
Lily Evans: that’s what we said lol
James Potter: i cannot believe that this is how we are all reconnecting 2 years later. over an essential oil pyramid scheme
Lily Evans: yes it is certainly more interesting than bumping into someone at a friend of a friend’s party haha
James Potter: true
James Potter: so how have you been? like what have you been up to?
Lily Evans: i’ve been good! been working at a non-profit in london for the past year which has been incredible!
Lily Evans: how about you? :)
James Potter: ive been good too! been working for dad’s company, which has been good. and omg wait youre in london??
Lily Evans: yep! been here since april last year!
James Potter: i thought you were still up north lol
Lily Evans: nope! haven’t you seen all my instagrams of me living that big city life? ;)
James Potter: hehe yeh but i just assumed you came down to visit the girls often
Lily Evans: nah i couldn’t handle being home for more than a year. love my parents but living at home post-uni was rough
James Potter: i bet. even living in the same city as my parents (well mainly mum) can be very trying lol
Lily Evans: but bright side to living at home for a year was that it allowed me to save enough money to make the move!
James Potter: well london is better for having you here :)
Lily Evans: thank you :)
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Peter Pettigrew to sirius: dorcas wasnt interested
Sirius Black to Boss Babe: oh no! how shocking! what a bummer!
Sirius Black: maybe try mary? i bet she would be interested!
Peter Pettigrew: o ya! she is gonna be a doctor so she would probably understand the hole life benefits of essential oils!
Sirius Black: exactly!
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Sirius Black to The Good Doctor: just again reiterating that everything i do is for the best
Remus Lupin to Chaotic Neutral: That is demonstrably untrue and this message just worries me further.
Remus Lupin: I suppose there’s no point asking what you’ve done?
Sirius Black: aw ur learning
Sirius Black: just know that this will all be worth it
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Peter Pettigrew to marry: Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?
Mary Macdonald to Peter Pettigrew: thank you for the offer but with med school i just don’t think i have the time! good luck!
Peter Pettigrew: omg no time iz not a problem wiht happy living! hold on let me find the message im suposed to send abt time management
Mary Macdonald: please don’t
Peter Pettigrew: 24 hours just doesn’t seem like enough time in a day, am I right? That’s why I am so glad Happy Living Essential Oils has given me the control over my time, my household, and my whole life that I have always wanted! It’s so easy to create a healthy and happy home and body with essential oils. No more spending days searching for the right products! And Happy Living has also given me the freedom in my career to spend my days how I want! I can spend as much time a day I want telling all of my fellow fab ladies how much I love essential oils! Having a stressful day? Don’t worry about work and numbers and kick back with a Lavender Oil Bomb! Feeling motivated? Try our special Get Up and Go™ Oil Blend and start pushing those oils! And don’t worry! Happy Living is not just the perfect full-time career, but also the ideal side hustle for all you determined ladies! Happy Living lets me shape my days how I want! Don’t you want that freedom too?
Mary Macdonald: okay that’s enough of this snake oil nonsense i have actual medicine to study
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Mary Macdonald to Birds of Prey: finally got my peter message lol
Marlene McKinnon: told you
Mary Macdonald: and i made the mistake of not rejecting it outright at first so i got another one
Dorcas Meadowes: ooh the deluxe pyramid scheme pitch
Lily Evans: sigh
Mary Macdonald: you know what i’m gonna tell you to do right?
Lily Evans: i’ll text james
Marlene McKinnon: good girl
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Lily Evans to James: peter has officially solicited my whole friend group
James Potter to Lily: took him a whole 2 weeks. bit slow honestly
Lily Evans: has he been sending messages to other people?
James Potter: ohhhhh yes. hes worked through his entire contact list. and then all of his linkedin connections. now i think hes going full-on instagram and messaging anyone who pops up.
Lily Evans: yikes he’s in so deep :/
James Potter: sirius and i came home yesterday (from our jobs because we are adults with jobs unlike peter now) and pete had thrown away every single cleaning product and toiletry in the flat
Lily Evans: omg are you having to use those weird essential oil cleaners and toothpastes and stuff now?
James Potter: funny you asked! see, we assumed if peter went through all that trouble to purge the flat of toxins and products that are not conducive to proper whole body and home wellness (his words aka his pyramid scheme’s words not mine), he would have at least procured the replacement products already.
Lily Evans: uh oh
James Potter: uh oh indeed! how silly we were! pete “hadnt thought that far ahead” but still got upset when we went out and just bought identical replacements for all the products he had thrown out
James Potter: so all he ended up doing was pissing us off and causing remus to almost have a nervous breakdown over the phone. (but to be fair, remus is on the verge of those most days thanks to his phd)
Lily Evans: this is so out of control. like i know some one or two girls from school who have gotten involved in pyramid schemes, but i know they already live deeply unhappy lives due to entering unfulfilling marriages way too soon so it’s a bit more understandable tbh
James Potter: if it gets much worse, i think i’ll bring mum in to smack some sense into him
Lily Evans: haha not a bad idea. from the few times i met her, i know she is not someone whose demands you should ignore
James Potter: to put it mildly lol
James Potter: anyway thats my life rn. whats going on with you?
Lily Evans: not much! honestly this whole debacle has been the most interesting thing going on in my life for a while lol
James Potter: sadly…. same here
Lily Evans: is this what being an adult is like?
James Potter: i think so and i do not like it
Lily Evans: times sure have changed
James Potter: no! i refuse to accept this!
James Potter: dare me to do something interesting right now
Lily Evans: lol okay
Lily Evans: james potter, i dare you to do something interesting!
James Potter: okay here goes!
James Potter: lily evans, would you be interested in grabbing a drink sometime and properly catching up?
Lily Evans: well in the name of making things interesting again….
Lily Evans: i’d love to! :)
James Potter: :D
James Potter: ive gotta get back to work because dad is glaring at me but i will message you later to make official plans?
Lily Evans: sounds great! :) x
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James Potter to 3 Morons and 1 Doctor: i am going to tell you all something and you are not going to be idiots about it, okay?
Sirius Black: i make no promises
Remus Lupin: Same.
James Potter: lily has agreed to grab a drink with me sometime soon
Remus Lupin: :O
Remus Lupin: Congrats! It’s about time!
Sirius Black: I KNEW IT
Sirius Black: VINDICATION
Sirius Black: EVERYTHING I DO IS CORRECT AND I CAN DO NO WRONG
James Potter: wtf
Remus Lupin: Oh no.
Sirius Black: SUCK ON THIS MOONY: I TOLD YOU SO
Remus Lupin: I hate that I have to admit you’re right.
James Potter: can someone tell me whats going on???
Sirius Black: just know that i am always right and you should be thanking me on ur hands and knees
James Potter: hold on
James Potter: did you have something to do with this???
Sirius Black: }:)
Peter Pettigrew: congratz james!! can i offer u any essential oils to prep 4 ur date? happy living has a special sensual oil bomb mix u might like
James Potter: hard pass
James Potter: also not officially a date or anything!! not making any assumptions!! just two old uni friends catching up
Remus Lupin: Not a date? I call BS.
Sirius Black: agreed. i didnt meddle in ur life to have you not call it a date!
James Potter: youve meddled in my life for way less before
Sirius Black: and??
James Potter: seriously though, im just happy to catch up with lily. i havent seen her in like 2 years so this is just very casual and it is completely okay if it doesnt mean anything more than rekindling friendship to her!
James Potter: and sirius if you make the name comment you are currently typing, i will let peter throw away your hair products again
Sirius Black: no plz ill be good
Peter Pettigrew: ur all just jealous that im a thriving small busines owner who has achieved total body, mental, and home wellness
Remus Lupin: You could not be further from the mark but I respect that confidence.
Peter Pettigrew: anyway, i hav some messages to send to help other ppl start taking control of there lives 2!
James Potter: literally who do we know that you have not already solicited
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peterpettigrew wants to send you a message
79 followers 99 posts
peterpettigrew: Hey gorgeous! Hope you are having a beautiful day! I just wanted to send you a quick message asking how much you have heard about Happy Living Essential Oils? These therapeutic-grade essential oils help elevate your spirits, support healthy habits, achieve whole-life wellness, and create lasting abundance! Plus, they also smell pretty good! Lol! I have been on my incredible oily living journey for a while now, and it has truly changed my life! And because you’re such a great friend, I am here to offer you a special deal on a starter pack to begin your own oily journey! Are you interested in changing your life and becoming part of our oily global community?
severussnape: Pettigrew?!
severussnape: Why on earth are you messaging me trying to sell me essential oils?!
severussnape: Is this some kind of sick joke? Is Potter behind this??
peterpettigrew: i jus thot u mite be interested in achieving a toxin-free, holistic lifestyle wit the added benefit of bein a small business owner
severussnape: You thought wrong.
peterpettigrew can no longer send Direct Messages to severussnape.
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Lily Evans to The Real Housewives: so… i may have agreed to grab a drink with james
Marlene McKinnon: YES
Mary Macdonald: OMG CONGRATS!!
Dorcas Meadowes: finally
Lily Evans: it’s just a casual thing though!! strictly friendship!!
Marlene McKinnon: lol sure
Mary Macdonald: DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME! MY SHIP IS SAILINGGGGG
Lily Evans: you good mary?
Mary Macdonald: med school is a nightmare please just let me have this
Dorcas Meadowes: you wouldn’t deny a future doctor this modicum of happiness, would you?
Lily Evans: hate you all
Lily Evans: also mary you have reginald?? you are plenty happy already??
Mary Macdonald: shhhhh not the point
Marlene McKinnon: ya the point is that you need to go panty shopping asap. i know you don’t have any cute ones anymore
Lily Evans: okay you are all nuts and i need to get back to work
Dorcas Meadowes: you calling us nuts when you’re the one in deep denial? hilarious
Lily Evans: BYE
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severussnape wants to send you a message
23 followers 6 posts
severussnape: Have you heard from Lily Evans recently?
peterpettigrew: yah y how did u kno
severussnape: I figured if you were desperate enough to be messaging me, you must have already messaged her.
severussnape: And… how is she doing?
peterpettigrew: y would i tell u. u were mean to me b4 when i offered u the oppertunity of a lifetime
severussnape: I will buy your starter pack if you tell me.
peterpettgrew: deal! i will send u the paperwork!
severussnape: Paperwork?!
peterpettigrew: email address?
severussnape: [email protected]
peterpettigrew: sent!
severussnape: Okay now how is Lily?
peterpettigrew: no. paperwork 1st. im not that dumb. and correct info! ill no if its not
severussnape: Fine I sent back the paperwork. It is all filled out and correct. Now give me the information.
peterpettigrew: gr8! u can expect ur 1st shipment soon!
severussnape: First??
peterpettigrew: and lily iz good i think! she and james r getting a drink soon
severussnape: WHAT?!
severussnape: No no no no no
severussnape: All my hard work… I have to stop this!
peterpettigrew: ok clearly u r going thru something so ill let you go deal wit that. ill message u soon about happy living stuff! u hav made the best decision of ur life and u wont regret it!!
severussnape: There is absolutely no way I am actually getting involved in your oil-based pyramid scheme.
peterpettigrew: 2 late! contracts r xtremely binding! welcome 2 the happy living family!
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Peter Pettigrew to He-Men: guess who jus signed his first downstream oiler!
Remus Lupin: What do those words mean?
Peter Pettigrew: i hav brought some1 into my happy living chain! thas how multi-level marketing works! and i am no longer the botom of my distribution chain!
James Potter: you mean the bottom of the pyramid
James Potter: who on earth was stupid enough to agree??
Peter Pettigrew: snape
James Potter: WHAT
Sirius Black: THATS THE FUNNIEST THING IVE EVER HEARD
Sirius Black: WHY IS HE BUYING OILS??? HIS HAIR ALREADY HAS ENOUGH TO SPARK AN AMERICAN MILITARY INTERVENTION!
James Potter: LOL GOOD ONE BRO
Sirius Black: THX BRO
Remus Lupin: How on earth did you get Snape to agree to this???
Peter Pettigrew: o…. dont b mad
Remus Lupin: Oh no what did you do?
Peter Pettigrew: he said hed sign up if i told him how lily iz doing
Sirius Black: ew wtf what a creep
James Potter: and you told him????
Peter Pettigrew: not much! jus that u and her r getting a drink soon
James Potter: that is the exact wrong information to tell him!!! he is going to hunt us down and murder me!!!
Sirius Black: for both urs and lily’s safety, u should probably just have ur date in the flat where i can protect u both
James Potter: a. not a date and b. absolutely not
Remus Lupin: Peter, you know that was wildly disrespectful of both Lily and James’s privacy right?
Sirius Black: dick move pete
James Potter: sirius you invade my privacy literally all the time
Sirius Black: id never invade lilys tho
Sirius Black: at least not before u start dating so i dont scare her off too early
Sirius Black: also she always scared me a bit so… maybe not then anyway
Peter Pettigrew: im srry but its worth it! maybe wit happy living snape can finally turn his life around and become a nice person! its probably all those toxins that make him b so mean!
James Potter: if the toxins you are referring to are “hardcore rightwing beliefs” and “an inflated sense of superiority” then yeh those probably don’t help
James Potter: im gonna text lily and give her a heads up. peter, you will apologise later
Peter Pettigrew: ok yes plz dont b mad at me
---
James Potter to Lily: hey i have some news that is… not great tbh
Lily Evans to James: what’s up?
James Potter: so… remember snape?
Lily Evans: my former best friend turned creepy white nationalist stalker? yes i think that name rings a bell
James Potter: well… peter started to run out of people to try to get join his pyramid scheme
James Potter: and for some unknown reason, he decided to message snape
Lily Evans: okay super weird but not necessarily bad news?
James Potter: no it gets worse
James Potter: snape agreed to join but only in exchange for info about you
James Potter: and peter agreed and told him we are getting a drink because he is an absolute bellend
Lily Evans: wtf wtf wtf
Lily Evans: ughhhhh
Lily Evans: thanks for telling me
James Potter: im really sorry about all this
Lily Evans: no don’t worry this is clearly not your fault
James Potter: what do you want to do?
Lily Evans: i refuse to give snape the satisfaction of me stressing out about him any more than i already have. so… i’m doing nothing
Lily Evans: we are getting that drink and it will be lovely and that’s that!
James Potter: :)
Lily Evans: and on that note, you free saturday night at 7?
James Potter: very free
Lily Evans: amazing! it’s a date!
Lily Evans: (i mean if that’s okay! don’t want to make you uncomfy or anything)
James Potter: very okay! yes! date!
Lily Evans: then yes! it’s a date! x
James Potter: :D x
---
Severus Snape to ♥: Lily you absolutely CANNOT under any circumstances go out with Potter.
Lily Evans to Unknown Number: well judging by that perfectly rational text that is super respectful of my boundaries, this can only be one person
Lily Evans: i have you blocked, snape. how the fuck are you texting me now?
Severus Snape: That is unimportant.
Lily Evans: okay cool well then time to block this new number too
Severus Snape: No wait!
Lily Evans: why? so you can boss me around more even though we haven’t spoken in literally 3 years?? no thanks
Severus Snape: You cannot go out with him!
Lily Evans: wow! i don’t give a fuck what you say i can or cannot do!
Severus Snape: He is bad news, Lily!
Lily Evans: why? because he’s got a darker skintone? yeah i think i will live seeing as i’m not a racist arsehole like you
Severus Snape: He doesn’t really care about you! He doesn’t respect you!
Lily Evans: there is some glaring irony that is somehow going over your head here
Severus Snape: If he really cared about you, why would he have stopped texting you completely after graduation?!
Lily Evans: hold on
Lily Evans: how the fuck do you know about that
Lily Evans: you and i hadn’t been speaking for over a year by then
Severus Snape: Lucky guess?
Lily Evans: okay now things have gotten interesting
Lily Evans: you’re going to tell me how the fuck you know about that. right. now.
Severus Snape: Or what?
Lily Evans: or i finally go through with that restraining order. make my completely overwhelming desire to never have to see you again legally binding
Severus Snape: Please don’t.
Lily Evans: then start talking
Severus Snape: What you have to know is everything I did, I did because it is what was best for you!
Lily Evans: not good enough. keep talking.
Severus Snape: All I did was prevent you from making the biggest mistake of your life!
Lily Evans: hmm no it doesn’t seem like you attempted to time travel to prevent me from ever becoming friends with you
Severus Snape: Lily please
Severus Snape: I had seen the way you started to look at him! Something needed to be done!
Lily Evans: you still haven’t given me any actual details
Lily Evans: so i’ll take that as you telling me to go ahead with that restraining order?
Severus Snape: FINE
Severus Snape: Do you remember when you gave me your old phone?
Lily Evans: like 4 and a half years ago? yes. why?
Severus Snape: Well after you gave it to me, Mulciber gifted me a brand new phone. So, I never actually used the phone you gave me.
Severus Snape: I just put it away and forgot about it.
Severus Snape: Until you decided to end our friendship.
Lily Evans: over your ties to a literal white nationalist group but yes continue
Severus Snape: They are not white nationalists! They just have a different vision for the future of Britain. A better future!
Lily Evans: if you are just going to start spouting your nazi propaganda BS at me, i think this conversation is over
Severus Snape: Not Nazis but fine I will stop.
Lily Evans: continue with your explanation
Severus Snape: Well a little while after you ended our friendship, I happened upon the phone you gave me.
Severus Snape: And I missed you so much, I decided to turn it on.
Severus Snape: And it turns out… you never cleared the phone before you gave it to me.
Lily Evans: wow yes tbt to when i actually trusted you enough to not assume you would invade my privacy
Lily Evans: i think i have a sense of where this is going and it’s remarkably creepy. but continue anyway
Severus Snape: I just wanted to reminisce. I missed our friendship. And then a text popped up.
Severus Snape: You had also forgotten to sign out of your iCloud account.
Lily Evans: fucking hell snape this is insanely stalker-y, even for you
Severus Snape: I never read through any of your texts with anyone else! Just Potter and that’s because I know who he really is! He is a bad person! I was just protecting you!!!
Lily Evans: so, I have a strong suspicion as to why you know james never texted me. but i would like for you to spell it out clearly for me
Severus Snape: All I did was what had to be done to protect you.
Severus Snape: Potter texted you the day after graduation to ask you out. I deleted the message. And when he texted you several times after that, I deleted those messages as well.
Severus Snape: I regret nothing. I had to pull you from his grasp. You had fallen for him. He would have never loved you or respected you! Not like I do!
Lily Evans: oh my fucking god snape
Lily Evans: i can't believe you ruined my chances with james out of some insane sense of ownership over me???
Lily Evans: well joke’s on you! we are going on a date this weekend and it’s going to be amazing and we are probably going to have crazy sex at some point! so suck on that!
Severus Snape: Lily no!!! You can’t!!! Please!!!
Lily Evans: but because you’ve been so helpful and forthcoming with all of this deeply upsetting information, i’ll let you see me one more time
Severus Snape: Really?!
Lily Evans: yeah! in court when i get a FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER
Severus Snape: Lily please don’t do this! Any of this!!!
Lily Evans: anyway. as enlightening as this chat has been, i think it’s time to go send james some pictures of my tits! see you in court! rot in hell!
Severus Snape: Lily!!!
Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.
Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.
Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.
Severus Snape: Fuck.
Your message was not sent. Tap “Try Again” to send this message.
---
Lily Evans to James: JAMES WE NEED TO TALK RIGHT NOW
James Potter to Lily: woah okay what’s up?
Lily Evans: SO I JUST TALKED TO SNAPE
James Potter: gross im sorry do you need disinfectant?
Lily Evans: AND IT TURNS OUT HE HAD BEEN LOGGED ONTO MY ICLOUD ON AN OLD PHONE I HAD GIVEN HIM WHEN WE WERE STILL FRIENDS
Lily Evans: AND HE HAD BEEN DELETING MESSAGES YOU SENT ME
James Potter: wait… does that mean you never got the text i sent you asking you out??
Lily Evans: NO!! I JUST THOUGHT YOU HAD GHOSTED ME AFTER I HAD TOLD YOU I LIKED YOU AT GRADUATION!! AND I NEVER MESSAGED YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!!!
James Potter: I THOUGHT YOU HAD GHOSTED ME AFTER I ASKED YOU OUT!!! AND I DID MESSAGE YOU A FEW MORE TIMES BUT I GUESS YOU NEVER GOT THOSE!!
James Potter: YOU MEAN THIS WAS ALL FUCKING SNAPE’S FAULT?!?!!?
Lily Evans: YES!!!!
James Potter: holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck
Lily Evans: i know!!!!!
James Potter: i was so bummed when you never responded!!!
Lily Evans: and i was so bummed when you never texted me!!!!
James Potter: i actually can’t believe all this
James Potter: i mean, i can. snape’s creepiness knows no bounds
James Potter: but damn
Lily Evans: i can't believe he almost succeeded in keeping us apart!!!
James Potter: that fucker!!!
Lily Evans: i liked you SO MUCH and i was so upset when you never texted!!!
James Potter: and i liked you SO MUCH and was so upset when you never responded!!
Lily Evans: well it might be 2 years later, but i never really got over you and we have been given a second chance and i am not letting snape ruin this again!!!
James Potter: i never got over you either!! hell yes we are going to have the most amazing first date saturday and thats that!!!
Lily Evans: yeah!!!!
James Potter: okay wow i need to get back to work (and to process all of this insanity) but i will text you in a bit!! that is a promise!! expect a message!!! (i cant believe i have to explicitly say that now) x
Lily Evans: understood! have a good rest of the work day! i am eagerly awaiting that text that you 100% will be sending!!! xx
---
Lily Evans to Golden Girls: SO I JUST FOUND OUT MAYBE THE CRAZIEST THING EVER
Marlene McKinnon: is it tom cruise’s tooth in the middle of his face? because yeah! absolutely insane!
Lily Evans: CRAZIER
Marlene McKinnon: woah
Dorcas Meadowes: what’s up?
Lily Evans: remember how i said james ghosted me after graduation???
Mary Macdonald: yep
Lily Evans: turns out SNAPE HAD BEEN DELETING MESSAGES FROM HIM ON AN OLD PHONE OF MINE!!! HE ASKED ME OUT AND FUCKING SNAPE DELETED THE MESSAGE!!!
Dorcas Meadowes: WHAT
Marlene McKinnon: THAT CREEPY ARSEHOLE!!!
Mary Macdonald: THAT IS THE CRAZIEST THING EVER!!
Marlene McKinnon: okay that’s it, snape dies tonight
Marlene McKinnon: dorcas, get your bat
Mary Macdonald: i’ll join!! i will break my hippocratic oath for this!!!!
Lily Evans: thanks ladies you’re the best <3
Lily Evans: but no need
Lily Evans: the best possible way to get back at him is to go have a fantastic time on my date with james on saturday! and to never think about him again! (other than when i maybe get a restraining order)
Dorcas Meadowes: yeah don’t give that wanker the real estate in your mind!
Mary Macdonald: did you just call it a date??
Lily Evans: well… yeah lol. it is a date. we had actually already agreed it was one before this absolute bombshell
Marlene McKinnon: get itttttt
Lily Evans: it took 2 years and the best efforts of snape, but we are finally here! i am going to go on a date with james potter and it is going to be amazing!!!
Mary Macdonald: yes you are!!!!!!!
Dorcas Meadowes: and yes it is!
Lily Evans: and marlene, i will take you up on your offer to go panty shopping please!!!!
Marlene McKinnon: HELL YES!!!
---
James Potter to The Simps: SO I HAVE LOTS OF FUN UPDATES
Peter Pettigrew: i hav an update 2 but u go 1st
Remus Lupin: Please no more essential oil propaganda.
Sirius Black: wassup jimmy
James Potter: okay you know i hate that nickname
James Potter: BUT MOVING PAST IT BECAUSE LIFE IS INSANE
James Potter: basically! snape messaged lily to harass her about getting a drink with me (thank you for that peter!!!) and in the resulting conversation they had, lily found out that apparently snape had kept an old phone of hers that was still logged into her icloud account and had been deleting messages from me INCLUDING THE MESSAGE WHERE I ASKED HER OUT
Remus Lupin: OKAY THAT IS INSANE!!!
Sirius Black: cool! time to murder snape!
Peter Pettigrew: can i jus point out that u never wood have found out this info if i hadnt messaged him!!!
Remus Lupin: Super not the time, Pete!
James Potter: so it turns out that lily hadnt changed her mind about liking me after she confessed she did!! and i didnt scare her off by asking her out!! fucking snape almost ruined everything!!!
James Potter: but we are not letting him ruin it anymore!!! lily and i are going to have an amazing date (and yes it is a date!! :D) and snape is going to live a lonely, incel life!
Sirius Black: sure i cant hunt him down for sport?
Remus Lupin: I cannot handle trying to bail you out on top of working on my thesis so please don’t.
Sirius Black: understood
James Potter: and you know what? pete is right! this is all thanks to him and his weird essential oil pyramid scheme! you are the one who brought lily and i back into each others lives and who caused us to find out the truth! so thank you peter!
Peter Pettigrew: aw thx im glad ur starting to be won over on the whole life heeling properties of essential oils!
James Potter: and you ruined it
---
Lily Evans to James ♥: really looking forward to seeing you soon!!
James Potter to Lily ♡: same here!!!
Lily Evans: so just to make sure, i’m meeting you at the covent garden station?
James Potter: yep!
Lily Evans: no hints about where we’re going?
James Potter: nope!
Lily Evans: so excited :)
James Potter: me too :)
Lily Evans: about to get the tube! see you in a few!! x
James Potter: cant wait!! x
---
James Potter to The Bad Place: just had the most amazing date!!!
Remus Lupin: Yay! So glad it went well!!
Sirius Black: u get sum?
James Potter: ew @ that phrase and no we just saw each other for the first time in 2 years like… we can chill for a bit
James Potter: (but she did kiss me goodnight!!!)
Sirius Black: aw that melts even my cold cold heart
James Potter: btw pete you never told us what your update was the other day??
Remus Lupin: As long as it is not essential oil related, I’m all ears.
Peter Pettigrew: well is kinda essential oil related
Peter Pettigrew: i jus wasnt feeling well that day
James Potter: and are you feeling better now?
Peter Pettigrew: ya… because im in hospital
Remus Lupin: WHAT?!
Sirius Black: omg what happened
Peter Pettigrew: so turns out ur not supposed to ingest essential oils
James Potter: no duh!!!
James Potter: sorry sorry please continue
Peter Pettigrew: anyway i felt bad a few days ago (from ingesting the oils it turns out) and 2 try 2 feel better, i ingested even more oils wich made it worse
Peter Pettigrew: so i had 2 get my stomach pumped and am being treated 4 burning my mouth, esophagus, and stomach lining
Remus Lupin: Are you okay???
Peter Pettigrew: ya i will be. just have 2 stay overnite
Sirius Black: well share ur location so we can come spend the night with you
Peter Pettigrew: really??
James Potter: of course. youre an idiot, but youre our idiot
Peter Pettigrew: aww thx
Peter Pettigrew started sharing location with The Bad Place
Remus Lupin: And Peter, does this mean that you are done with all of this Happy Living nonsense?
Peter Pettigrew: i think so. i mean, im glad it brought james and lily 2gether. but its caused mostly problems 4 me
Peter Pettigrew: im severely in debt now because of my contract
James Potter: dont worry i can get my mum to look it over and get you out of it. she trained as a hostage negotiator for a while in the 80s
Sirius Black: god mum is the coolest
Peter Pettigrew: thank u!!!! u r all the best friends ever!!!
Remus Lupin: We are grabbing the bus now. Be there in 20.
Sirius Black: and dont worry, even when you stop shilling ur oils, u will always be an #oilymama #bossbabe 2 me <3
Peter Pettigrew: thx sirius that means a lot <3
Remus Lupin: Does it though??
James Potter: shh just let them have their moment
---
Lily Evans to James ♥: how’s he holding up?
James Potter to Lily ♡: he’s okay. has finally fallen asleep.
Lily Evans: officially done with his pyramid scheme?
James Potter: yep! mum looked over the contract and it turns out that if youve brought at least one other person into your distribution stream, you can shift the burden of your remaining contract onto them!
Lily Evans: wait does that mean…
James Potter: yep! snape is now responsible for not only the base level stuff he signed up for, but all of petes shipments and responsibilities as well!!!
Lily Evans: that is…. the best news omg
James Potter: yeh and these contracts are pretty ironclad so unless snape can recruit anyone else, he is stuck in this pyramid scheme for the forseeable future!!!
Lily Evans: and i doubt he will be able to! he has the charisma of a soggy napkin!!!
Lily Evans: plus who would want to buy any oils from the personification of the deepwater horizon oil spill disaster??
James Potter: omg that is such a good burn that is exactly what he is!!!
James Potter: you are literally my dream girl
Lily Evans: because i’m good at insulting snape?
James Potter: among other reasons but i would be lying if i said that wasnt a part of it
Lily Evans: understood ;)
James Potter: i am so glad peter got sucked into that pyramid scheme
Lily Evans: yeah?
James Potter: i mean… he did bring us back together
Lily Evans: very true :)
James Potter: and hes gonna make a full recovery. like hes totally fine. so im not being callous
Lily Evans: of course not
James Potter: and we got the added benefit of snape finally facing consequences!
James Potter: so all in all, a wholly positive experience!
Lily Evans: well when you put it that way… i agree!
James Potter: :D x
Lily Evans: and i mean… you know what they say, right?
James Potter: no what?
Lily Evans: oils well that ends well ;) x