Chapter Text
sil·hou·ette
/ˌsilo͞oˈet/
the dark shape and outline of someone or something visible against a lighter background, especially in dim light
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When Xiao Zhan was in highschool, he had always found it fascinating how lights work. But more than that, he was more fascinated at the effect it has on it’s surroundings. No matter if the source is artificial or natural, the effect it causes is the same yet also not. When a light appears, there will always be a shadow, and that’s what Xiao Zhan loved about it. Shadows that seems to be free when they appear but at the same time, restricted as they could only move and appear with the help of a light source.
The first time he found it interesting, was when he was in his second year of high school. His family owns a photography studio in a relatively small town in Chongqing. It was a legacy that his great grandfather has established many years ago, and both his father and his father’s father had taken the responsibility to take over the business. Their studio is the most popular and longest running photography studio in town. Even neighboring towns and people from the city visits just for a session with his father. Over time, the style has changed, along with the years and what is in demand, but they still kept their signature style, which people visits them for.
“Dim that strobe.” His father instructed Xiao Zhan, pointing at the single strobe light directed at the young male subject sitting in the middle of the canvas backdrop in one of their studio’s rooms. Xiao Zhan was in his second year of highschool then, surprisingly tall for his age, he managed to see the switch at the top of the strobe and did as was told quietly. When his father was satisfied, he gave the okay and Xiao Zhan stepped carefully to the side as he watched his father work. He doesn’t like nor hate their family business or the camera, so when his father asked for his help that day, because an old friend came and he needed an extra hand, he just said yes.
That day was the day Xiao Zhan got fascinated with silhouettes. The whole photo session ended in a span of an hour and honestly, Xiao Zhan was not bored nor he enjoyed the whole thing. Not until when he helped his father to develop the pictures in the red room. His father is a kind man, and did not pressure Xiao Zhan to take up the hobby of photography or to even like it, so his childhood was full of freedom. Although when he started high school, his father has started to teach him the basics, the terms, the tools, and all that, slowly.
“I just need you to know so you can help me while I still can run this business. You can teach it to someone else too if you have to in the future.” And Xiao Zhan knew that’s his father’s way of saying he doesn’t need to take over the business but it would be nice if he knows the job that their family was built on.
So when they were developing the pictures for the first time later that day, with a few tips and tricks from his father, he had developed his first ever photo. And Xiao Zhan’s eyes rounded. He doesn’t know so much of art but what he saw struck a chord in his heart. It was so unlike what he saw in the studio earlier. On the photo was the young male subject, the shot cut up to his neck, his head turned to profile, and there was outline, a simple outline of light that shows the features of the subject and everything else is in a different tones of black, even though the whole thing was tinted red. Because that is their studio’s specialty, black and white silhouette portraits. For Xiao Zhan, he felt calmness, mysteriousness, restriction, and freedom with that single photo. After that, Xiao Zhan became interested in photography and curiously asked his father to teach him more, much to his parents’ delight.
Xiao Zhan is now on his last year of university in Beijing where he went to an art school and majored in photography. He was supposed to not attend university, stay in Chongqing, assist and learn from his father but his parents shot it down and told him to go into university and learn more. They wanted him to experience the city, and explore more outside of their small town. Outside of their small world. Xiao Zhan didn’t like it but when his father said it’s also a way to build connections and to pull customers to their town and their business, and now he’s here, four years later.
Surprisingly, he really enjoyed Beijing. He was a natural at making friends, thanks to his friendly and warm smile. Not to mention his bright personality and his university famous good looks. He also likes that Beijing was a bustling city, the night filled with different lights and it fascinated him at a certain level. Until he met Ayunga.
Ayunga was a senior in his university. They were in the same club when Xiao Zhan was in his sophomore year. They got along and clicked really well with each other despite having a two year difference. Ayunga had taught him a few things about lights and silhouettes, often spending together in the studio trying out experimental shots or going on trips on beaches because Ayunga loves the beach and Xiao Zhan loves the lights when the sun sets. Their friendship blossomed into love and during Xiao Zhan’s junior year, they started going out. They were fine and happy, until they’re not. Until Xiao Zhan isn’t.
Ayunga naturally graduated first, and took a job in as a magazine photographer. At first, Xiao Zhan was proud of him. He had helped the older move his things when Ayunga got his own apartment after a few months in the job. Xiao Zhan would come over frequently during the first few months. At the second half of that year, Xiao Zhan could count the times they saw each other physically with just his one hand. And on those times, it’s either they spent it with Ayunga sleeping, the older ditching for an on call job, or arguing.
The last straw was when Xiao Zhan found out the true nature of Ayunga’s job. It was a Friday night and Xiao Zhan was out in the city with his friends and fellow classmates after a successful baby thesis presentation that earned him a high grade from the professors. It wasn’t really much for celebration but it also happens to be one of his friends’ birthday, Xuan Lu, and since everyone did a good job, which means a good sign for their final thesis for graduation, Xuan Lu announced it would be her treat. Much to the protest of his boyfriend Cao Yuchen, he didn’t let her so they split the bill among themselves. After their dinner party, Xiao Zhan and some of them decided to go to a bar. Xiao Zhan wasn’t much of a bar person, personally because he thinks he’s a bad dancer and also because every time he goes, he’d be hit on instantly by men and women alike. And Ayunga hated it, so he didn’t go for some time.
The bar they were in was famous for having celebrities that hang out there and Nie Huaisang was a sucker for celebrities, that’s why he pulled them there and also because it’s his brother’s bar but no one knows that except them. It wasn’t even fifteen minutes inside the establishment and someone’s already hitting on Xiao Zhan. He declined the advances of the man who is persistent enough to follow him everywhere. Xiao Zhan tried to lose him so he went straight to the bustling crowd in the dance floor. Xiao Zhan is a gentle person, he didn’t like pushing people even if he’s stuck in the middle. So instead, he got pushed around. Luckily for him, he lost his crazy stalker but now he’s stuck in a mesh of bodies bumping him from all directions. Amidst his struggle, Xiao Zhan felt a hand on his wrist and next thing he knew, he was being pulled out of the crowd.
A young man who was probably about his age is his savior. The man looked beautiful, ethereal even with his pale skin and smokey subtle eye makeup.
“Than—“
“Oh. Sorry, wrong person.” Xiao Zhan’s savior said and left him there going straight again into the dance floor. Xiao Zhan was baffled, he hasn’t even said his thanks. Then he saw the man come out from the crowd again, now pulling a woman who looks annoyed and trying to get out of his grip. Xiao Zhan didn’t know what was going on. Was his savior a good person or a bad person? The woman pulled her arm away forcefully, saying something unrecognizable before storming out of the bar. The said man stayed there for a while before he left and followed the woman outside. Xiao Zhan noticed a shiny thing on the ground and picked it up, realizing it must be either from the man or the woman, so he followed them out with the intention of giving it back. When he got out though, he witnessed the two having a verbal fight and a swarm of people with cameras running towards them and he knew what they are. They are paparazzis. They’re those intrusive photographers who shoots celebrities’ personal lives and sells them at a price. Xiao Zhan doesn’t hate them but he doesn’t like the ethics of it. He deduced those two or one of them must be a celebrity. He wouldn’t know because Xiao Zhan isn’t much informed in that world. And then his eyes caught something. Or rather, someone who was at the very front of the commotion.
“Ga..ge?” Xiao Zhan said to himself. Before he could call him, the two people have stepped into a car and the crowd of photographers buzzed off like flies following the car that just took off.
Later that night, Xiao Zhan went to Ayunga’s apartment and entered with his spare key with the intention to wait for his boyfriend and ask him. He was obviously confused because why would Ayunga be there? He was supposed to be shooting for magazines. And then it dawned on him. He never asked what kind of magazine was it. He just assumed it would be some lifestyle magazine or fashion magazine even. Could it be what he thinks it is? His curiosity got him and he rummaged around Ayunga’s things and there it is. Columns of a gossip magazine that exposes celebrities’ life and some of them even ending their careers. He doesn’t want to believe that the righteous person he knew would do this. He needs to confirm it first.
Xiao Zhan expected his boyfriend to come in the morning. Even so, he cleaned the messy apartment to keep his thoughts going somewhere else. It was evening when Ayunga came home looking exhausted. When he smelled the tasty food from his kitchen, he knew his boyfriend had come over.
“Hi” Ayunga said as he hugged Xiao Zhan from behind, the younger setting up the food on the table.
“Hi. Eat first.” Xiao Zhan managed to say. He could see how exhausted Ayunga was. He’s not cruel enough to welcome him with accusation after a day’s work. Oddly enough, they sat in peace, engaging in idle chat and Xiao Zhan realized, how long ago it felt that they were at peace like this. It’s like the calm before the storm.
After the meal, Ayunga went on to shower and Xiao Zhan cleaned up. He sat on the bed waiting for his boyfriend. Before Xiao Zhan could open up about the topic, Ayunga had hugged him in delight.
“Babe, I might be moving into a bigger apartment, and you can move in with me after you graduate. I got a raise from my job.” Ayunga looked so excited and proud, Xiao Zhan doesn’t know what to make of it. Should be happy? Proud? But at what cost?
“Really? What happened?” Xiao Zhan played along.
“It’s too long a story, the good news is I got a raise. Aren’t you happy?” Ayunga caught on Xiao Zhan’s mood.
“Was it selling pictures of private lives of celebrities?” Xiao Zhan said as he pulled out the gossip magazines he found and Ayunga stared at him.
“…Yeah. So?” Ayunga said, voice filled with something different than a second ago.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Did you get a raise after ending a person’s career and private life?” Xiao Zhan said accusingly.
“What the fuck Xiao Zhan? I’m working my ass off like anybody else. It’s not just for me, I’m doing it for both of us. What’s the problem?” Ayunga said annoyed. Xiao Zhan couldn’t believe what he heard.
“Don’t you ever use me as a reason to justify your work. You’re ruining someone else’s life! How can you live with that?!” Xiao Zhan pointed out, he wanted the older to understand that it is not right. Of course everybody needs a job to feed themselves, but Ayunga can be more than this. He knows it.
Ayunga brushed his hair up and sighed, tired.
“Not everyone is talented like you Xiao Zhan. Not everyone has a secured landing after school. You have your family business in Chongqing to go back to if you fail in the industry here, but I don’t. I like taking pictures, but I also like to live comfortably. This job pays well, Xiao Zhan. Can’t you understand that? Can’t you understand me?” Ayunga was almost begging, but Xiao Zhan couldn’t feel his sincerity. All he feels is how Ayunga had thrown their status at his face, and compared themselves. He felt like he doesn’t know the man in front of him anymore.
“It’s not even about that Ga-ge. It’s really not.” Xiao Zhan left with a broken heart. He knows how the real world is a scary and cruel place, even if he haven’t experienced it himself first hand. He gets what Ayunga was saying, but does he really need to be among the cruel? Ayunga loves photography, he loves taking photos of people in their everyday lives, that is his specialty that Xiao Zhan admired. Is it really possible for this cruel world to change a person? He doesn’t know.
A few days later, Ayunga came to his dorm delivering his things personally from the older’s apartment. Xiao Zhan need not to ask. He knew this is the end. Their end. And he accepted it. Xiao Zhan returned the spare key, and without another exchange of words, they separated.
Months after, Xiao Zhan finally graduated from school. He had always planned to go back to Chongqing once he finished school, and take over the family business. Even though he got accustomed to the city life, his heart is still in his hometown. The only thing that has changed, is that he wouldn’t be bringing someone back. He had planned to expand their studio with the help of Ayunga, but that was all in the past now.
When Xiao Zhan came back to Chongqing his parents insisted that he take a month long vacation. They know of their son’s relationship and they didn’t want him to spend his time buried in work.
“Go out Zhanzhan. Take a walk, take photos. You did that when you were younger. Take your time. The business isn’t going away.” His father said. He did as he was told simply because his father is stubborn and knows of other ways to keep him from coming to the studio, and honestly, Xiao Zhan doesn’t prefer those, based on his experiences in the past.
A week of doing nothing, he finally decided to take a walk with his camera. Sure enough, it brings a wave of nostalgia to him. The town had changed a little bit over the few years. The auntie in the old bakery near the station had already passed but the establishment is still there, her son taking over the business. He bought a bag of bread as usual, feeding stray cats on the way. Until he finally reached his destination.
The beach near the mountains is his favorite spot in the town mainly because there’s not many people who visits the area. Even after many years, only few people still comes there especially during sunsets. But for Xiao Zhan, it is where he finds peace the most. When fishing boats pass across the bright orange tint of the setting sun, it creates a beautiful silhouette that Xiao Zhan had captured for many years. It ranges from fishing boats, big ships, rare sightings of underwater creatures splashing above the ocean, people taking a walk by the beachside, and more. He was sitting by the sand, near the sidewalk, far from the ocean waves when he pulled up his camera and peeked in, trying to find a subject in the orange hued world through the lens. He clicked once, twice, thrice. On the fourth click, something was caught in his lens. Oddly fascinated, he clicked the shutter consecutively until his subject was out of the frame.
The feeling he felt was a mix of joy and curiosity and disappointment.
Familiar yet foreign.
“Excuse me. Are you following me?” His lens was suddenly dark. When he pulled down his camera, the sun had already completely set, the surroundings cloaked in darkness, the night sky bright as it can be, a few lamps nearby starting to light up. Xiao Zhan found himself staring at a pair of limbs, then he looked up.
“What?”