Work Text:
It was an entirely normal day, right up to the point when Shang Qinghua's vision filled with computer errors.
"The paperwork isn't that bad." He protested. "Also, I really need to finish this so maybe stop that so I can see?"
The System responded with even more errors and then started blasting a sound like the AOL login sound having a threesome with a death metal band and an airhorn.
Shang Qinghua tried to get up, fell out of his chair, and sort of blacked out a bit. Maybe.
It was either blacking out a bit or he had magically transported to a bed in Qian Cao.
His ears were ringing in what seemed like sudden silence, his eyes were filled with afterimage, and he had a massive headache, so he just decided not to wonder about the hows and whys.
A nearby disciple noticed him being awake almost immediately and set to fussing, sending him a soothing stream of qi that helped with most of the headache. Temporarily, at least.
"Do you remember what happened before you came this way?" The disciple asked.
"Paperwork?"
The disciple gave him an unimpressed look. "We found you collapsed on the bridge, do you remember what caused the collapse?"
"Uh...I was at my desk and then a bunch of errors popped up?"
"Errors?"
"Boxes?" Shang Qinghua offered. He probably shouldn't have said anything about the screens.
On the bright side, the system hadn't taken any points so maybe it was permanently broken! As long as it didn't do that sound thing again he was good with that. Maybe even if it did do the sound thing. Randomly fainting was way better than being bossed around by a disembodied computer!
The disciple looked at the door, which had a Mu Qingfang in it. It probably hadn't had him there before? Nope, he was coming into the room with Zhangmen right behind him.
Weird, that they were this worried about Shang Qinghua fainting.
"His symptoms were the same as Shen-shishu's, with added visual hallucinations. He can't remember coming to the peak."
Mu Qingfang picked up Shang Qinghua's wrist. "Did you have auditory hallucinations as well?"
Shang Qinghua nodded, mostly distracted.
Shen-shishu had to be Shen Qingqiu. Which meant for some reason Shen Qingqiu had collapsed right at the same time that Shang Qinghua's system had errored out, with similar symptoms.
Had his system somehow affected Shen Qingqiu? At least that explained Zhangmen being so worried. For him to actually be worried about Shang Qinghua would mean something was really wrong! Yue Qingyuan gave Shang Qinghua one brotherly worried look before beelining right past him to another part of the room, blocked off by a screen and presumably containing Shen Qingqiu.
Well...this was probably good?
It was not good!
Shang Qinghua was halfway through Mu Qingfang's questioning--since he'd been out to organize a supply deal and Shen Qingqiu had just come back from that Skinner plotline, the rest of the Peak Lords were worried that someone had targeted the both of them with some sort of slow acting curse--when he actually saw Shen Qingqiu. Not that he paid much attention. Any, really. If Shen Qingqiu hadn't stopped within sight of his bed for long enough that Mu Qingfang looked over at him, Shang Qinghua wouldn't have even risked meeting his eyes.
He shouldn't have.
Shen Qingqiu was pissed.
Not 'you are a worm what are you doing in my presence' pissed, but 'I will drag your entrails out of your throat' pissed!
Shang Qinghua looked at him with wide eyes. Yue Qingyuan appeared to have picked up in the enmity and was now frowning at Shang Qinghua. It wasn't his fault! Shang Qinghua hadn't done anything lately other than paperwork and passing out due to system errors!
"Airplane," Shen Qingqiu snapped, eyes narrowed.
Shang Qinghua froze, blinking at him. That was--had he made some sort of airplane thing and forgotten about it? He didn't think so! That would have invited way too many jokes from his readers!
But how could Shen Qingqiu possibly know that word, or to direct it at Shang Qinghua--was he another transmigrator? Shang Qinghua had heard rumors about him being nicer since his qi deviation, but nothing that seemed to indicate he was an entirely different person.
Could...could the system error have somehow told Shen Qingqiu the entire truth of things?
Was the System trying to punish Shang Qinghua by sending an angry Shen Qingqiu after him?!
For a moment Shen Qingqiu looked even angrier, presumably having confirmed his suspicions in Shang Qinghua's panic, then he turned around and swept out of the room. Yue Qingyuan looked torn for half a second before following at a quicker pace.
"Care to explain?" Mu Qingfang said, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Haha, he sure is scary huh," Shang Qinghua answered nervously, hoping to avoid any interrogation about what an airplane was.
Based on the calm but skeptical look in Mu Qingfang's eyes, he had failed. Shoot.
Shang Qinghua managed to escape Qian Cao without any further disasters, and resolved to set things in order and then flee. It would suck for everyone else, but as long as he organized things correctly he was sure his disciples could manage in his absence! And it wasn't like Mobei-jun really needed Shang Qinghua much, so...best to just disappear before Shen Qingqiu turned him into a leafy pincushion.
He really did mean to leave.
It was just everything seemed to be piling up more and more. And Shen Qingqiu hadn't shown up yet! Maybe he had gone into seclusion on schedule! Shang Qinghua wasn't fool enough to go ask anyone, but if he had then that meant Shang Qinghua had plenty of time! And--well--if Shen Qingqiu had a vision of the future then maybe he'd avoid the thing with Liu Qingge entirely? Or...tell someone who wouldn't entirely mess it up? So that meant that Shang Qinghua didn't even need to worry about that!
Shang Qinghua couldn't imagine that anyone with any sense would deliberately try to tangle with Liu Qingge, but Shen Qingqiu had tried and failed to save him in the original timeline and was sort of fueled by pride and spite so maybe….
The point was, there were several logical reasons for Shang Qinghua to both take a whole month to settle things and to assume that Shen Qingqiu wasn't imminently going to murder him.
And then the protagonist showed up at his door with a carefully polite expression and a scroll in his hands. "Shizun sent a scroll for Shishu, and asks that you reply carefully."
Shang Qinghua looked Luo Binghe over for a moment, confused. He looked...okay? The protagonist was in nice clean robes with his hair combed all pretty and no bruises at all.
Was Shen Qingqiu trying to send some kind of message? Like 'hey look I know what the plot is and I'm averting it' or something?
He...he really would have expected Shen Qingqiu, or anyone that was enough of an asshole to successfully impersonate Shen Qingqiu, to just murder him instead. But okay.
Luo Binghe held out the actual literal message, expectant and a little bit annoyed.
"Haha, I'll, uh, read it then?" Shang Qinghua laughed, taking it and resisting the urge to light it on fire and flee into the sky. Mostly because he had never gotten the hang of the whole flying sword thing and also he was pretty sure his sword was under like fifteen important papers right now.
So instead he took the scroll, shooed the message-threat-who-even-knows-what off of his doorstep, and went in to see how screwed he was.
It was a really long scroll. The calligraphy was perfect and uniform in a way that made Shang Qinghua want to call bullshit because how?
And it was in english.
Please be a transmigrator.
The first line was: Airplane-Shooting-Towards-The-Sky you are without a doubt the worst hack I have ever had the misfortune of encountering and I hope you get eaten by a Five Tailed Butterfly Dingo and live through the process to be shat out and eaten again.
Definitely a transmigrator!
Except the writing style was kind of familiar?
Scarily so?
He kept reading, his anxiety rising with each passing word. Because...this wasn't about their current situation. It seemed to be a comment on a chapter? He didn't want to assume but as he skimmed through the pages, reading random bits of criticism, he kept getting a very familiar feeling.
'That was the third time you've had Mingzhu-jun use the "Maybe, if we...the two of us...this wife has never thought of such things before but...if husband approves?" line in the middle of an orgy! Not only is that an incredibly unrealistic and misogynistic expectation of bi experimentation that would never be seen outside of a shitty porno (or a SHITTY NOVEL), but just like the other two times she's said that you seem to have written it with the implication that she was being shy and truthful! The protagonist isn't an idiot and would surely not only REMEMBER that line but would also be smart enough to realize if she was being manipulative in order to trick other wives into having sex with her!'
'You appear to have completely neglected to mention that Qiu Haitang has seven legs, either that or you somehow have never learned how to keep track of limbs and avoid implying that a human is actually a millipede during sex scenes!'
'The fact that your hinted at "resolution" for the Spring Crystal plotline was an orgy within an orgy is not only an insult to your readers but makes absolutely no sense with the scant bits of lore that you managed to establish. There was a literal natural disaster looming and a political challenge on the line that could have provided some much needed tension, but you appear to have forgotten both of those aspects in order to write some shitty sex that could have literally been copy pasted from the last orgy with the names changed. Except for Mingzhu-jun, who as mentioned before used the same line in two other orgy scenes. If I had a copy of the book with me I would check so you should count yourself lucky that I skim the sex scenes because I am on to your lazy ass about this idiocy you're trying to pull.'
Shang Qinghua finally skipped to the end, because fuck this guy he absolutely did not copy paste his sex scenes.
It was signed 'Peerless Cucumber'.
The ID wasn't really a surprise at this point, given the book of a 'comment'.
But also, fuck him?
This was definitely some sort of punishment from the system. One last fuck you as it errored out. Or maybe Peerless Cucumber had managed to error out the system via pure vitriol? That sounded like something he could do.
Which was...actually kind of lucky?
Also, Peerless Cucumber had sent his angry comment via protagonist-Mail instead of showing up himself, even though showing up wouldn't even be creepy in this very odd context? Shang Qinghua could have easily gotten stuck with one of the creepy boundary crossing fans instead of the angry but boundary-respectful anti-fan.
And...now he had someone else to talk to?
And Peerless Cucumber adored Luo Binghe! The only good things he had to say about the book were about Luo Binghe! So, as long as the system was really gone, then that was probably the entire Cang Qiong destruction plotline averted? Maybe Luo Binghe would still go off and become a demon king, but Peerless Cucumber had sent a pretty clear message that he wasn't mistreating him, so it would probably be okay?
They just needed to avoid the Abyss plotline, because smuggling a heavenly demon out of a closed area with everyone who was everyone in the cultivation world on high alert was going to be...very difficult. The best way would be for Shen Qingqiu to just forbid Luo Binghe from going at all.
...He was going to have to talk to Shen Qingqiu about it.
Maybe he would bring a peace offering? Food probably? Qing Jing food was always terrible and he couldn't imagine that Luo Binghe was cooking for the guy who had bullied him for years. It wasn't like the protagonist knew that Shen Qingqiu was a different person.
He'd figure it out later. For now, it was kind of nice, actually, to be able to sink into the nostalgia of a bunch of angry vitrol about plotlines and sex scenes as though Proud Immortal Demon Way was just a fictional thing and not the literal world they were stuck in.
Shang Qinghua ended up bringing a bunch of pastries and candies as his peace offering. He vaguely remembered some comment from a literal lifetime ago where Peerless Cucumber had complained about Shang Qinghua establishing a bunch of delicious sounding candy and then not having anyone eat it, so he was gambling on a sweet tooth here.
Shen Qingqiu had responded to his message asking for a meeting by inviting him to dinner. So that was a good sign?
He showed up exactly on time.
Shen Qingqiu was already sitting at his table, looking vicious and smug.
The single slice of bread next to the cup of tea on the empty side of the table, compared to a steaming bowl of something on Shen Qingqiu's side, underscored the viciousness. And then Peerless Cucumber started eating and that looked like ramen and Shang Qinghua wanted to cry. Where had he even gotten someone who knew how to make ramen? Did Peerless Cucumber know how to make ramen?! Had he made himself ramen for the sole purpose of making Shang Qinghua cry? Was there any extra? Please just let him have even one noodle!
"I brought dessert?" He said hopefully, holding up the box and edging towards the table. Even if he didn't get ramen today, befriending the noodle source was now even more important than it had been before.
Shen Qingqiu just watched him with narrowed eyes and ate another bite of ramen.
Shang Qinghua set the box on the table beside Shen Qingqiu and opened it. He felt a bit like a vassal presenting tribute to a king for judgement.
Shen Qingqiu didn't do anything to dispel that impression, instead he coldly looked over the contents, before reaching up to close the box and put it aside. Then he flicked his fan up to hide half his face and spent an uncomfortably long time staring at Shang Qinghua with narrowed eyes.
Then he sighed. "I suppose I have to feed you now. Binghe, bring your shishu's dinner in."
Shang Qinghua froze because--Shen Qingqiu had the protagonist cooking for him? Shen Qingqiu had the protagonist learning how to make ramen for him??
Was it poisoned?
Wait, no, of course it wouldn't be. Luo Binghe was still a fluffy little white sheep who wanted nothing more than his Shizun's approval. And he was really good at the cooking thing so he could probably figure out how to make perfect ramen based on half a description because he was the protagonist and of course he could.
The boy in question came out of the kitchen, holding a steaming bowl of heaven, and Shang Qinghua didn't waste any time scrambling into his seat.
Shen Qingqiu gave Shang Qinghua a disdainful look, but he waited until the ramen was on the table and then waved Luo Binghe off. "I need to talk to your Shishu privately."
"As Shizun says," Luo Binghe answered, stars in his eyes. And then he turned towards Shang Qinghua and the stars disappeared to be replaced with a blankly polite look as he bowed just as much as was minimally necessary to be polite before leaving the room.
That was so unfair.
Shen Qingqiu activated a muffling array, which probably meant Luo Binghe hadn't gone far? Weird.
And then he didn't say anything, he just resumed eating his ramen.
After a moment of internally sulking that his second-favorite son didn't like him, Shang Qinghua gave in to the aromas and shoved probably too much ramen into his mouth, letting out an actual moan at the taste. It was perfect.
Shen Qingqiu paused in his eating, wrinkling his nose. "Do they not teach manners on An Ding?"
Shang Qinghua waved his chopsticks as he struggled between wanting to savor the ramen and wanting to be able to talk. He settled on suffering under Shen Qingqiu's judging gaze for several moments. "It's been so long since I had ramen!"
"Then you should eat it like a civilized person and not like a heathen who doesn't care what his food tastes like." Shen Qingqiu took a dainty amount of ramen, as though demonstrating. "That way we can have an actual conversation."
Shang Qinghua pouted at him, but did take a smaller amount of ramen this time.
Not that it seemed to matter, since Shen Qingqiu wasn't talking?
"So…," Shang Qinghua started, struggling to figure out what to say. Did they small talk? Talk about the comment? Talk about important things?
Shen Qingqiu just kept watching him with narrowed eyes, clearly casting judgement onto everything he saw.
It was...actually scarily close to how Shang Qinghua had always assumed Peerless Cucumber would be? Less yelling and flailing, maybe? When Shang Qinghua was feeling self indulgent he'd definitely imaged a sexy icy-faced asshole glaring silently at the screen before typing out his big comments without pausing for anything but copy pasting reference links to the wiki, his fingers flying over the keyboard with perfect typing and then hitting send without even needing to edit.
It hadn't seemed like a realistic fantasy, and yet here it was.
On the other hand, it had taken him a month to write out his perfectly inked 'comment'.
Shang Qinghua decided to just go for the most important conversation. "Your system errored out too?"
"Obviously."
It was not obvious. For all Shang Qinghua had known, the system had just transferred itself from Shang Qinghua to Shen Qingqiu! He let it go though, mostly because Shen Qingqiu was looking at him with complete disdain as he took a sip of his tea.
"We should avert the plot then, probably?"
"Obviously."
More judgement. Still unfair!
"You should keep Luo Binghe out of the Immortal Alliance Conference."
Shen Qingqiu set his teacup down and glared at him. "You should prevent that mess from happening in the first place!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?"
"It's already being planned! This isn't the sort of sabotage that you do on a whim! It's literally been in the works for years already! Opening the endless abyss in a specific spot isn't exactly easy!"
Shen Qingqiu reached for his fan, tapping it on the edge of the table in annoyance. "And you have no desire to try and stop it? People are going to die. Cang Qiong disciples could die."
Shang Qinghua squirmed. He did care? He really did? His disciples were some of the most at risk--they weren't even strong enough to participate in the conference!--and keeping them alive was a trial and a half. "Even in the normal one disciples would die!" he finally protested.
Shen Qingqiu glared at him.
"You do it too! You left Liu Qingge to die!" Shang Qinghua protested. "Sometimes you just have to do things to avoid getting murdered! Or murdering, I guess, in your situation."
"I what?" Shen Qingqiu snapped, startled. "I've never even met him! And I definitely have no intention of killing him."
"Yeah but neither did the original you!" Shang Qinghua argued. "He tried to save him!"
Shen Qingqiu pushed up from the table, eyes wide, "You didn't think to mention this before? A peak lord is dead and you're just letting him rot in the caves?!"
That….
Okay that was fair. Shang Qinghua suddenly felt pretty shitty. He huddled down in his seat. "He's probably not dead yet." He whined. "He's in the caves so...he might be in a bad way but he's probably alive? That was kind of the tragedy, that Shen Qingqiu tried to help but ended up just making it worse."
"Then go get him," Shen Qingqiu snapped.
"I can't just waltz into the caves! Zhangmen-shixiong will be mad at me!"
"So ask him."
"You ask him!"
For a moment they stared at each other, then Shen Qingqiu glared at him with all the rage of a fixit fic given life and swept out of the room. He didn't even finish his ramen.
Shang Qinghua looked at his own ramen.
If he left it would just go to waste….
He had just shoved a bunch of noodles into his mouth, figuring it was best to finish quickly, when the protagonist burst back into the room. "Where did Shizun go!" Luo Binghe demanded, all his politeness apparently evaporating without Shen Qingqiu here to pretend to behave for.
This was what happened when children started imprinting on Shen Qingqiu. One rude table setting and suddenly they lost all their manners.
It was an impressive glare though, so Shang Qinghua choked down his current bite as fast as he could. "He, uh, went to talk to Zhangmen. Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be back soon!"
He tried to give an encouraging grin but it clearly didn't land.
Luo Binghe frowned at him, barely on the polite side of scowling. "Thanking Shishu for his visit."
Well, that was a clear dismissal.
Were disciples allowed to dismiss peak lords like that?
Shang Qinghua considered claiming that Shen Qingqiu had invited him to stay and finish eating, but discarded that idea immediately. Shen Qingqiu would never. It would be terribly OOC both for Shen Qingqiu and for the idea of Peerless Cucumber than Shang Qinghua had been slowly confirming.
He considered trying to take the bowl with him...but that probably wouldn't fly.
He shoved as much ramen into his mouth as he could, ignoring the increasingly judgemental fourteen year old standing there, and then took his leave with a wave.
It could have gone worse?
Shen Qingqiu's solution was apparently to ask to go into seclusion, find Liu Qingge (who was alive!), go get Mu Qingfang, go back into the caves with Mu Qingfang to stick around while Liu Qingge was revived, and then stay in seclusion.
According to the rumor-mill, Qing Jing was blaming Shang Qinghua for their master's sudden desire to go into seclusion.
According to one very awkward peak lord meeting that was filled with slight frowns in Shang Qinghua's direction instead of brotherly smiles, Yue Qingyuan was definitely blaming him.
It took two weeks for Shang Qinghua to figure out how to smooth it over. Eventually the solution basically hit him in the face as he automatically started to cover up some signs his people had seen of the demonic invasion plot and then...stopped. That was happening soon? Probably right when Shen Qingqiu would get out of seclusion! And it didn't have to happen because there was no system to make sure so--So maybe if Shang Qinghua followed up on the signs instead of hiding them, and warned everyone else to be on high alert, then they could avoid that fight entirely and Shen Qingqiu would be less mad at him?
It could work?
Somehow it did.
Sha Hualing got bounced right off the newly reinforced arrays and chased out by a furious Qi Qingqi with a hoard of older disciples at her back, while Wei Qingwei stayed to guard the borders. The most eventful thing that happened was Liu Qingge sneaking out of his mandatory bedrest to go fight.
Shang Qinghua stuck himself near the main building, supposedly to organize things from a central point and definitely not to wait for any vegetable themed persons.
"What's going on?" Shen Qingqiu asked, striding towards him almost exactly on time. Shang Qinghua felt a bit smug. Clearly even without the systems the plot was doing its thing!
...That probably meant that Cucumber-bro was right about the conference...but also maybe meant that the Abyss plot would happen regardless. But that didn't mean the protagonist had to go into it! This had happened and Luo Binghe was safely tucked away in the main building with the rest of the little disciples that had come to greet their Shizun while the actual adults took care of the demon invasion. Shang Qinghua would have weeped for all the coolness points the protagonist was losing but...honestly it was kind of a relief to have confirmation that they could change major plot points like this.
"A new demon saintess attacked." Shang Qinghua explained, carefully aware of all the ears not far away. "They're being repelled at the base of the mountain, of course, but our forces will be returning here."
Shen Qingqiu turned towards the bridge, clearly intending to help.
"They should be done with it pretty much though!" Shang Qinghua continued. "There's three peak lords down there! Four if you count Liu Qingge, I think he snuck out to help? Qi Qingqi and Wei Qingwei are more than enough for the fighting and Mu Qingfang is there to patch up anyone even if they do get a scratch! I'm sure they'll be back here before you would even get down there!"
Shang Qinghua tried to ignore how obviously he was projecting 'stay and talk to me!'. He was bored, okay? That was it!
It did seem to be working though? Shen Qingqiu was turning back towards him, fan going up as he regarded Shang Qinghua with appraising eyes.
Then the doors flew open and a bunch of yells of "Shizun!" started happening and suddenly all of Shen Qingqiu's attention was taken by a hoard of green clad little traitors, led by the protagonist (who was rapidly losing his spot as Shang Qinghua's second favorite even though he made excellent ramen).
Not that he cared that much! He was just bored! He wasn't sulking about it or anything!
When the other peak lords returned, Qi Qingqi landed next to Shang Qinghua, looked him over, and then very rudely rolled her eyes. "Idiot."
And then she just walked away. What was that for?
Shang Qinghua spent the rest of the week working and definitely not sulking. He'd warned Mobei-jun about the temporarily increased security, so he didn't even have that to worry about.
He wasn't really expecting Tiny Green Traitor #1 to show up at his door, with a scroll and a just barely on this side of respectful look. It was obviously a lie of a look. This author wrote you, protagonist! He knows when you're lying!
He took the scroll though, and shooed Luo Binghe away.
It was...it was basically a comment. A short one. Not short for any normal person but it was definitely short for Cucumber-bro. A page, max. Mostly on...the dream demon sequence? Had that still happened? Huh, weird.
There was also a whole rant about his manners at their dinner, complete with references to etiquette books. Rude.
Shang Qinghua went back to the dream demon part, because it almost sounded like Shen Qingqiu had gotten pulled into it?
Which was actually plausible, considering how the protagonist was behaving towards him?
Maybe Shang Qinghua should...go check on him? Or send a letter. Or maybe invite him over? It really pained Shang Qinghua to give up on the chance for more ramen (he hadn't even gotten to finish his bowl last time!) but inviting himself over to Qing Jing was probably a bad idea.
Plus, Shen Qingqiu would probably just refuse and they'd go back to ignoring each other even though they were two transmigrators abandoned in a Xianxia world with absolutely nobody else to talk to about the things from their own world. Peerless Cucumber was probably thrilled to be immersed in all this worldbuilding and absolutely not home sick at all. Which Shang Qinghua also was not!
Except, Shen Qingqiu didn't refuse. In fact Shen Qingqiu showed up with a box of delicious mochi!
Apparently the new rule of their meetings was that the inviter provided dinner and the invitee brought desert? That seemed nice and easy, as far as etiquette went. Not exactly normal for Xianxia, but...it worked! Also it meant that no matter what Shang Qinghua got delicious food cooked by Luo Binghe!
And Cucumber-bro seemed a little less annoyed at him this time! Shen Qingqiu was still very much the stone faced ice queen with five million complaints, and he kept sending comments via protagonist-mail, but Shang Qinghua was almost starting to enjoy them?
If he was honest, he'd kind of always enjoyed them? Which was silly, because they were very mean.
Then Shang Qinghua idly mentioned that he'd been thinking about writing again, maybe a proper romance this time, and Shen Qingqiu's fan flicked up to hide his face so fast that Shang Qingqiu could feel the wind of it from across the table.
"If you do, I'll let you know if you've actually improved," Shen Qingqiu said, sounding almost happy even if he seemed to be pretending otherwise. "You can't have possibly gotten worse."
...Shang Qinghua was pretty sure he had to actually write it now.
Shoot.
The worst part about Cucumber-bro was how good of a mood Shang Qinghua always was before and after talking to him, no matter the context
It made no sense! Shen Qingqiu was mean and--well actually mean just about covered it. Arrogant? No that didn't really fit. Shen Qingqiu was mean and pretty and graceful and poised and it just highlighted how much of a mess Shang Qinghua was. He was good enough at being a mess by himself, thanks.
In theory he should have been nervous. Really nervous. Because...he'd sent a scroll with actual fiction on it to Shen Qingqiu and there was zero chance that Cucumber-bro wasn't going to tear it to absolute shreds. He was going to tear it to shreds and he was going to enjoy doing it.
And Shang Qinghua was going to enjoy watching him enjoy doing it?
He couldn't be missing the forums that much.
Maybe he'd imprinted on all the mean comments that Shen Qingqiu kept sending him? Some sort of pavlovian response because they always happened around their dinner meetings?
He hadn't even wanted to write anything, Cucumber-bro had bullied him into it!
Shang Qinghua abruptly decided to shelve the thoughts as he neared his leisure house. Because what awaited him there was apparently less leisure and more a very impatient looking Zhangmen who probably wanted prying into what Shen Qingqiu was up to because Shen Qingqiu would just give him nonanswers but it was really really awkward because it wasn't like Shang Qinghua could tell Yue Qingyuan the truth and--
Okay maybe this was why he always was in a better mood talking to Shen Qingqiu. Absolutely no lying needed!
He spent the whole next day waiting for his protagonist-mail invitation.
And the next.
And the next.
Eventually he gave in and sent an invitation of his own, even though it was technically Cucumber-bro's turn to host.
Luo Binghe showed up, looking smug, to answer that his Shizun had to turn down the invitation.
Shang Qinghua absolutely did not fret circles into his floor. Was it that bad? It was pretty tame! Maybe it was too tame? Shen Qingqiu was the sort of guy who read harem novels after all...but he read them for the plot! Legitimately! Not just as an excuse! He actually did and Shang Qinghua had made sure to have a lot of plot in this new story just for him! The main lead was a botanist and did fifteen million different things with plants just so that Shang Qinghua could shove all sorts of plant lore in!
Maybe it had seemed like too much obvious pandering?
When the invitation finally came, it was two whole weeks later. Also known as roughly an eternity. It wasn't even an invitation for a meal!
Shang Qinghua brought a sugar painting with him anyways.
When he got there, Shen Qingqiu was waiting for him in a way that instantly reminded Shang Qinghua of that first dinner. Except instead of Shen Qingqiu looking angry with the fake insult dinner on the table, Shen Qingqiu looked pretty smug and the table was absolutely covered in papers.
There were...there were more pieces there than had originally been in the scroll.
Shen Qingqiu had apparently decided against inking up the actual manuscript and instead had carefully arranged everything so that each of Shang Qinghua's original pages had a matching one, inked in perfect red calligraphy. Sometimes there was more on the red page than on the black page.
Oh no.
The pages were turned so that they were facing towards the door. Waiting for him. Ominously.
"It's better than your last attempt at writing." Shen Qingqiu said, flicking his fan up to hide most of his face.
He didn't seem impressed?
Shang Qinghua decided to ignore it.
"Well you liked that one!" He lied cheerfully as he plonked himself down in the chair in front of the edited manuscript. "So that can't be too bad."
Cucumber-bro gave him an unimpressed look. "Not only have you learned nothing about how to write romance, but I think your kiss scenes are even worse now than they were before. I don't need to ask if you've ever kissed anyone because that answer is painfully obvious, but have you ever even seen anyone kissing?"
Ouch. "How do you know?" Shang Qinghua whined, kicking the table leg. "I could have kissed someone!"
"You have not."
"You don't know that!"
Cucumber-bro lowered the fan and reached out to tap one of the pages with it. He didn't say anything, but his eyes were full of judgement.
Shang Qinghua peered at the page. It was...it wasn't that bad! Definitely not worth the angry rambling in red on the paired page.
He wondered how much practice Cucumber-bro had with kissing, and then firmly squashed the thought.
He looked back up at Shen Qingqiu with a pout and just got a cold look in return. "It's totally normal kissing!"
"You have them essentially swallowing each other's tongues. That doesn't happen."
"You don't know!"
Cucumber-bro rolled his eyes. "How long do you think tongues even are? They may as well be licking each other's tonsils with how you've described it."
"Gross."
"Yes, it is. And you're the idiot who wrote it!"
"I did not!" Shang Qinghua glanced over the manuscript to check. "It's not anything like that! Just some tongue!"
"You may as well add a subplot where they're both very poorly disguised demons because that's definitely what it looks like."
"You've never kissed anyone either." Shang Qinghua bluffed, sinking down into his chair in a sulk. "I'm writing totally normal kisses and you just think they're wrong because you don't know what kissing is like."
Shen Qingqiu narrowed his eyes, which was probably a bad sign. "It wouldn't matter, because even the most inexperienced person in existence could tell this is unrealistic trash."
Shang Qinghua sat up straighter, eyes lighting up. It was true! He was right! "You haven't! Called it! I called it! You're such a hypocrite!"
"I'm not the one writing it with no experience." Shen Qingqiu snapped, raising his fan up to hide most of his face again.
"Hypocrite!" Shang Qinghua insisted, gleefully rocking back into the chair. "Such a hypocrite."
Shen Qingqiu was up out of his chair fast enough that Shang Qinghua decided to just hold onto his glee instead of worrying about the possible threat.
The way that Shen Qingqiu angrily swept around the table was sort of intimidating. Also kind of--actually, Shang Qinghua was just going to not finish that thought.
Shang Qinghua grinned up at Shen Qingqiu as the other man stopped by his chair, and kept grinning even as Cucumber-bro reached out for his neck. If this was how he went, strangled to death by his biggest critic for making fun of him for being a giant virgin who'd never kissed anyone ever, then Shang Qinghua was okay with that. It would be sort of disappointing, because Shang Qinghua thought they were sort of connecting over all those dinners? But as far as ways to go went it really wasn't the worst.
Shen Qingqiu didn't strangle him though, instead Shen Qingqiu's hand cupped Shang Qinghua's chin and he leaned down and Shang Qinghua didn't realize what was going on until Shen Qingqiu was kissing him.
Kissing him.
The only thing that kept him from tumbling off the chair was that hand, because that was Shen Qingqiu's lips on Shang Qinghua's lips and he didn't think that was allowed? But that was definitely what was happening?
Until it wasn't.
Shen Qingqiu pulled back and flicked his fan up to hide his face, trying to pretend like he absolutely wasn't at all affected by the crazy thing he'd just did! Except, Shang Qinghua could see how much he was blushing (all the way to his ears!)
Shang Qinghua's head was so full of everything that he just blurted out the first thing he could think of. "That's not going to help very much though, the kissing in the book had tongue."
Shen Qingqiu glared at him.
Shang Qinghua mentally composed his will.
Then Shen Qingqiu was moving very quickly and Shang Qinghua actually did fall off the chair as Cucumber-bro basically tackled him and--
Okay he was actually sort of good at the kissing thing somehow?
When Shen Qingqiu finally let him come up for air, Shang Qinghua blurted out, "Did you research kissing?"
Shen Qingqiu glared down at him, disheveled and flushed and straddling him and Shang Qinghua immediately regretted the question because wow was that not important. "Nevermind!"
"Time for you to leave!" Shen Qingqiu snapped, getting off of him. By the time Cucumber-bro was back in his chair he was mostly composed and definitely didn't look like he'd just been making out with someone.
Shang Qinghua stayed on the floor, trying to look as sad as possible.
"Get up," Cucumber-bro snapped. "We have editing to go over."
"Maybe I need more pointers," Shang Qinghua whined, not even slightly moving to get up.
"I think you're fine on that section for now."
"There are other sections?"
Shen Qingqiu's eyes flicked at a specific page and he went bright red. Shang Qinghua couldn't see the page but if he was guessing right based on the table size...probably the sex scene?
Okay yeah that. Haha. Definitely not happening? Wow he was definitely not thinking about Shen Qingqiu naked now that definitely wasn't happening at all.
"Actually I think you should leave," Shen Qingqiu said, voice going icy calm.
"Sounds like a good idea!" Shang Qinghua agreed, barely keeping his voice from squeaking as he scrambled up off the floor. Wow. He needed--he needed like fifteen cold baths right now. He needed to leave before Cucumber-bro realized that Shang Qinghua needed fifteen cold baths because if Cucumber-bro realized then he would be in even worse trouble.
He only had a day to fret over whether or not he needed an apology gift, because the next day he got a scroll.
A long one.
A very long one that was basically a massive condemnation of Shang Qinghua's kissing technique.
He didn't even know someone could go on for that long about that? Apparently he should have been doing things with his hands and also kissing better? There were references?
Shang Qinghua wasn't certain if Shen Qingqiu was trying to make him better at writing kisses or doing kisses.
Maybe both?
Hopefully both?
One dinner and editing meeting later, Shang Qinghua was able to confirm that it was definitely both.