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It wasn't easy being Queen.
The more she thought that to herself, the more Tier Harribel stubbornly hoped that those words would eventually prove themselves to be false. Alas, that was not the case thus far and she was left with all the responsibilities that being a ruler of a kingdom entailed, and Hueco Mundo was far from being an ordinary land to oversee.
She had to distribute water, manage Hollows, mediate with Shinigami and also give relationship advice, apparently.
The early days of cleaning up and rebuilding their home had taken their toll on her. Her temperament had been short, and her normally soft-spoken demeanour was replaced with a more aggressive tone than she would have liked. She wanted to be as peaceful as possible but sometimes the beings in Hueco Mundo only responded to strength and dominance.
Her Fracciones had picked up on her sterner disposition but didn't comment on the change. However, Harribel could sense that they chose their words more cautiously in her presence, as if they were scared of invoking her fury. While she hated to make them uncomfortable, it was a necessary sacrifice in order for them all to prosper.
Thankfully, she wasn't alone in rejuvenating their home and had help in her two closest allies. Actually, all things considered, they hadn't really made her job any easier with their constant arguing, but Harribel was glad they were with her nonetheless. Their lively antics were great for morale and she could always rely on them to lessen the heavy workload that naturally came with governing.
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez and Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck; together with Harribel, they stood as the final remnants of the Espada.
Seeing them enter her cold and dark cell after being held captive for weeks, she was quite concerned about the possibility that she was going insane. It was only when they cut off her restraints and she collapsed into Nel's arms that she accepted her rescue.
Grimmjow waited outside while Nel performed her healing. Harribel wasn't sure she could ever get used to being licked and having saliva rubbed on her wounds as a method of recovery but there were definitely worse candidates to deliver this treatment than Nel, so she decided to just be quiet and enjoy the intimate contact.
She desperately wanted to find her Fracciones and regain her strength, however if they were going to try and harmoniously coexist in Hueco Mundo, a new agreement with the Shinigami was going to have to be reached.
Grimmjow led the way and watched out for any attackers, while Harribel used Nel for support as they trekked across the sands. Harribel noticed how the two of them looked battle-worn and beaten down, as if they had fought the whole way to save her. With no questions to offer aside from the obvious, she asked them about their experiences during the war.
Nel laughed and made a remark about jumping in head first, to which Grimmjow growled and swore back at her. Their banter was refreshing and lightened the sombre mood significantly, even if she didn't quite get what she assumed to be an inside joke.
After a little back and forward with Grimmjow, Nel brought her up to speed on exactly what had happened to them. From retreating and rejoining Ichigo, to them both being equipped with new clothes and an armband that would let Nel permanently stay in her adult-form from Kisuke Urahara. To travelling to the Soul King's Palace, and finally rescuing Grimmjow, Urahara, Yoruichi Shihoin and her little brother from a poisonous cloud.
There were gaps in the story that Harribel chalked up to Nel being more exhausted than she appeared. Though she didn't miss that, once again, the one to save the day was Ichigo Kurosaki.
Harribel had long wondered about the Shinigami of Karakura town. His name resonated heavily in Hueco Mundo, especially with her two current companions. Add his long list of accomplishments onto Grimmjow and Nel's obsession with him, and suddenly he resembled more of a legend or a myth than an actual person. Should he ever decide to return to Hueco Mundo, the debt of gratitude she owed him wasn't lost on her.
Their meeting with the Shinigami was a limp affair, full of terms and rules they would have to follow, and muttered half-hearted agreements in return from them. Not even Grimmjow could seem to muster any defiance or anger, as tiredness seemed to compel him not to say anything. He must have been as eager to return home as she was.
In exchange for keeping the Hollows under control, Soul Society would bestow supplies that they would need if they were going to turn their home into a place worth living.
With their dull parley out of the way, the sight of Los Noches was enough to keep them on their feet and guide them back. Coming to the ruined entrance, Harribel was shocked to see the three forms of her bloody and bruised Fracciones. They were just as surprised to see her as they nearly toppled her over when they rushed to embrace her. Nel smiled warmly at the reunion and Harribel spotted Grimmjow wrapping an arm around her waist.
The announcement of their grand return could wait, in that moment, they all just wanted rest. Stepping into the castle, Grimmjow guided Nel towards his room, while Harribel and her Fracciones went to their tower. And for a full day, Los Noches was completely silent, save for the soft breathing of its sleeping inhabitants.
Once they were all revitalised, they quickly got back to business. Grimmjow found himself to be a very effective enforcer, and swiftly reminded disobedient Hollows of the rightful food chain. Nel found her own Fracciones and told them to bring any Hollows willing to provide labour to Los Noches in return for shelter there. The castle was more than big enough for the eight of them, so they could afford to house some extra residents.
Harribel decidedly took her role as the new Queen of Hueco Mundo. Grimmjow was indignant at first, but there was no malice behind his words and he never outright challenged her for the throne. Sitting into it for the first time, Harribel was glad that the mask she wore covered her mouth, so that no one could see the small grin behind it.
She had never been one to seek power, always keeping on, if not amicable, then at least civil terms with Barragan when he was King and for the most part, being completely indifferent to Aizen.
Actually that was only a half-truth, she just looked upon Barragan with rose-tinted glasses after dealing with Aizen. Her bloody skirmishes with the aging King had almost been fatal, before the false Shinigami entered the picture and brought them all together for one common cause. A cause that was a lie and sold to them using honeyed words dripping from a silver tongue.
So while previous rulers may have given her apprehension about her new position, she had to admit, that first view from her throne had been very satisfying. Seeing Hollows stack bricks and pave over cracks in the castle walls, watching Grimmjow and Nel idly chat beneath the steps, having her Fracciones either side of her, it felt like this had always been her rightful place.
After the repairs were finally complete, they all seemed to settle into routine.
Nel and Grimmjow had found solace and comfort in each other once more. Harribel was happy to see them reconcile after all the hardships they had endured. Their relationship spoke to a change in Hueco Mundo, where beings could be more than just comrade or prey.
They argued, fought and made up more times than she could count, had taken a trip to Karakura town and battled with several humans trying to arrest them, had a philosophical discussion about the nature of Hollows, and spent many a night trying to reminisce on their shared past.
Mila Rose, Apacci and Sung Sun had even ceased arguing for a few days after they had all regrouped. They rarely left her side, as if they were frightened to look away for just a moment, lest they all be separated again. It took a lot of coaxing from her to reassure them that nothing would ever split them apart again.
Then there was herself, who like many rulers before her, was now discovering some of the downsides that came with being in charge. However, given that there was finally time to reflect and calm down, she felt comfortable in her own skin once more. A soothing tranquilness had returned to her aura, and she was able to fully assess everyone's current wellbeing.
If she was being honest, what she saw worried her greatly. Looking around, she could see beneath the surface at three broken Arrancar who were trying to hold it together.
Nel was being afflicted by her stolen memories, taken so ruthlessly from her that she still had nightmares about the experience. The first night they rang out, her petrified screams filled the halls and brought terror to the entire castle. Nel's apologetic and embarrassed response was enough to alleviate their fears, until her piercing cries echoed throughout Los Noches again just two days later.
Now, they came and went so quickly, that it saddened Harribel to hear how fast Grimmjow had gotten at snapping her out of it, like it was reflexive for him to wash away her bad dreams.
Speaking of which, Grimmjow still seemed to be struggling with his transition to peace times, and was in a far more complex mental space than his two female counterparts. He could be restless in one moment, then turn around and remain as still as a statue for hours on end. His quietness and isolation unnerved everyone, and the reserved and polite interactions whenever he would speak didn't help.
Out of the three of them, there was a strong possibility that Grimmjow was going to be the first to break. That wasn't an indictment on him, merely an observation from her. It was just a fact that his very existence wouldn't allow him to suppress those rougher edges forever, doing that would, ironically, destroy him.
That was her interpretation of it anyway, she was well aware that Nel and Grimmjow had talked about it at length, and she was more than happy to lend any support she could.
While the Queen of Hueco Mundo was content and felt like herself once again, that didn't change the vivid and agonising memories of being captured. She could still feel those chains dig into her wrists, the humiliation of being conquered and left alive to serve as a trophy for the Quincies burned her insides. And while it had long healed, the treacherous slash to her stomach courtesy of Aizen also pricked at her ego during her time imprisoned. It was as if all of her shame had caused the wound to be reopened as a painful reminder of her defeats.
No doubt a factor in her more pugnacious mood when she returned to Los Noches. She didn't like to think of herself as being overly prideful, but clearly she acted as though she had something to prove upon taking the throne.
The three former Espada all had turmoil brewing within them and it could overwhelm them if left unchecked, but Harribel would not let it get to that point. Their trauma would not best them, they would pull together and strengthen each other. They had come this far, and she would give her life to ensure that they all stayed that way.
Nel wondered if this was a particularly mediocre cup, or maybe tea just wasn't for her. She never liked it when Aizen would serve it, and her opinion hadn't changed much under the new management. However, she could never bring herself to refuse her host; Harribel was always so earnest and polite when offering it that Nel often just forced herself to finish the cup.
She didn't come for the tea anyway, Harribel was more than worth drinking some flavourless hot water. Her quiet and calm personality was refreshing in such a hostile environment.
She always admired how Harribel was never needlessly cruel for the sake of it and only applied force when it was necessary. That level of restraint was to be commended when it would be far simpler to crush anyone who opposed her, and it made Nel all the happier that she was now the one in charge.
Harribel regarded her and Grimmjow as equals to her and made sure to keep them involved when it came to making decisions that would affect everyone. She took their counsel seriously and treated their views with respect. Discourse always ran smoothly until Grimmjow decided to open his mouth.
From their unofficial council meetings came affinity for one another and soon Nel made it a point to visit Harribel outside of Hueco Mundo business, just to unwind with her. She enjoyed their little social calls thoroughly, as it was one of the rare chances she had for conversation that extended beyond the usual topics that her and Grimmjow would discuss. Harribel usually always had an insightful perspective that held a lot of wisdom and spoke to her capabilities as a leader.
She also had a subtle sense of humour that Nel found absolutely hysterical. It could have been her expressionless features or her deadpan tone, but there was just something about the oblivious way Harribel would unintentionally say something funny that made Nel crack up. Harribel's puzzled look at the sudden outburst only made her laugh harder.
She wished that today was one of those days that she could just lounge back and languidly talk about something of little-to-no importance. Instead, she was here to seek guidance on a matter that weighed heavily on her heart.
"You've seen it, one minute he's raring to go and the next he's no more than a lifeless husk."
"While Grimmjow may be more subdued lately, isn't that better than him being constantly raucous? I would wager that he is still trying to adjust to not having an enemy to fight." Harribel said diplomatically.
"He's been going through this adjustment for the past year." Nel sighed. "It's just that sometimes he can be so irritating when he refuses to open up to me. I don't need him to become a puddle of emotions or anything, but just knowing if he's even happy would help put me at ease."
Keeping her face impassive was a natural skill that Harribel had perfected. She remembered Aizen one day making a wry remark about what a valuable asset she would have been in Soul Society's poker tournaments.
So while she appeared to be intently listening to Nel, inside she was wrestling with the decision of whether or not she should give her honest prognosis on Grimmjow. She was far from being a doctor, and Nel seemed to have good insight on his condition, but her input could make all the difference to both of them.
Was it better to be tactful and ambiguous, or candid and genuine?
"I've read about a condition that human soldiers go through called post-traumatic stress disorder, where they go from a high stress combat zone to a non-combat environment. Some of the symptoms include emotional numbness, hypervigilance and difficulty sleeping. Sound familiar? Combine that with his addiction- no, his need for destruction, and we could be in for an explosive outburst one day." Nel commented.
Harribel shouldn't have worried about sharing her own opinion. Her diagnosis from the comfort of her throne meant very little when Nel clearly had the situation in hand, and was more than capable of analysing and coming up with a solution for it herself.
"If that is the case, perhaps the best thing to do would just be to continue to support him. This has to be weighing even heavier on him and whatever he is feeling may not be easy for him to share; he may not even know how to. Should the time come when he wishes to open up to you, he will."
"I judged him for his nature before, back when I had no right to, all over a book. I just had to press the issue, to act like I was better than him when really I was the one acting like an ass. I'm scared to pry too deep in that area again." Nel admitted.
"I remember. Like I told you then, he will always return to you. If two wars couldn't keep you separated, I doubt Grimmjow's mood shifts will."
"He didn't want to leave, during the war, when the Quincies came." Nel mumbled. "When they overran us, flooded Hueco Mundo, divided us and captured you, he wanted to keep fighting. Through all the chaos and bloodshed happening over the land, I had to drag him away; to retreat and live to fight another day. Eventually, I had to leave him too, when I couldn't maintain this form and had to go get Ichigo. It never sat right with me though, leaving you like that, either of you." She confessed.
"Nelliel, the burden of guilt is something you shouldn't possess. If you didn't pull Grimmjow away, I would wager that none of us would be standing here today. In our experience, I think you'll find a smart move will trump a brave one. Do not lament what you could have done, instead be proud that we are all here, safe and sound thanks to your efforts." Harribel said sincerely.
She placed her hand on top of Nel's, causing the latter to blush at the sudden touch. Nel's hands were soft, made more for succour than battle. Her gentle nature was an enigma, even with her past superiority complex, the former Tercera was still the most virtuous Arrancar.
Then again, Harribel was sure that a few of the Espada had said the exact same thing about her when she joined them. A few of the lower ranked members whispered their contempt and envy at having another placid Arrancar who protected their Fracciones immediately overtake them to the number three spot.
It was as if they believed their bravado was an equivalent measure of their power, and not their arrogance. She would have happily thought them the difference should they have required the lesson.
Perhaps she wasn't always the pacifist she made herself out to be. Invisible flashes of anger like that made Harribel all the more grateful to have someone compassionate and serene like Nel by her side now.
"Thank you, Tier." She smiled brightly, causing Harribel to return the gesture behind her mask.
"While we're on the subject of mental health, how are you doing? Have you finally ceased having those nightmares, if you don't mind me asking?" She asked, causing Nel's smile to falter.
"Oh, um... sort of? Grimmjow doesn't really sleep all that much anymore, so he's helping to clear the fog around my past. He tells stories of how we used to be, how I used to be, and while it's great to hear them and see how important they are to him..."
"You're disappointed that you can't share in the same feelings that he has?" Harribel deduced.
"It's like he's known me longer than I've known myself." She sighed. "When we first spoke after the battle with Nnoitra, it may have been a reunion for him, but it was like an introduction for me. I can still see the expression he had the second he realised I didn't remember him, he looked absolutely horrified. He had to bear with me while I figured out how I felt about him, seeing him try to hurt Ichigo wasn't exactly the best first impression." Nel chuckled.
"While it's bad for me not remembering them, I know it's painful for him too. He's carrying those memories on his own; he might as well have experienced them with someone else." She muttered.
"I disagree. Without those moments you shared, I don't believe your relationship would be where it is right now and I don't think you'd care for him as much as you do. Subconsciously, there has to be something there, something that drew you to him once more?" Harribel reasoned.
Nel sat back and pondered this; while it would have been simpler to just claim that she stayed with Grimmjow due to him being the only one around when the dust settled, she knew the truth ran deeper than that.
The mind was a complex thing, and hers contained multiple broken shards of her life that were slowly weaving themselves back into a single tapestry. To think that Grimmjow was the common thread that was pulling them all together was enough to make her lips curve upward.
While she wasn't the biggest believer in fate, maybe there was something more to herself and Grimmjow repeatedly defying the odds. Maybe Grimmjow would always return to her and maybe she would always fall for him all over again; through every obstacle they encountered, maybe they were destined to overcome them together.
Romantic notions like that made for musings that Nel could only ever aspire to have in her present circumstances. Hope was seldom encouraged or warranted under Aizen, caution and foresight being much more useful attributes to possess.
The Hollows that they now shared the castle with were a different breed from those who were around back when she was an Espada. Not having to look over her shoulder as she passed through the halls anymore was just another thing she was indebted to Harribel for.
Her influence was strong yet understated, she had a way of appeasing everyone with her tenor alone, further demonstrated by how this conversation had completely turned Nel's mood around.
"I think you might be onto something, thank you for helping me put things into perspective." She beamed.
"A Queen is obligated to look after her subjects, no matter how big or small."
If it were anyone else, Nel would have thought they were being sarcastic, but Harribel's steadfast expression was so sincere that it was kind of endearing.
"More tea?" Harribel offered, standing to refill her cup.
"Ah, no thank you! I should go, I've taken up enough of your time. It was a pleasure as always, your majesty." Nel said with a wink and a half bow, before leaving with a cheeky grin.
It was the little luxuries that made being in charge worth it. Harribel wasn't sure what these were for Aizen or Barragan, but for her, it was larger, more comfortable quarters. A lot of people probably imagined that being the Third Espada came with a lot of perks, however Aizen wasn't one to lace his soldiers with lavishness, save for the bare necessities, like a lab for Szayel. She suspected that it was because he didn't want them to grow soft or complacent in opulent surroundings.
Harribel and her three Fracciones returned to see their tower in total disarray. So after that initial day's sleep, they knocked down the crumbling walls and prepared for a complete remodelling, which took several weeks to take shape for what they had in mind. Thankfully, time was the one thing they had an abundance of.
Her Fracciones had always slept in the same room as her; initially for security, they continued to remain there out of attachment for one another. So while they were always close, it was nice to now have a bit more personal space while sleeping. Well, for her anyway, even with the extra area available, the three of them still opted to sleep within arm's length of each other.
Harribel was proud that they had managed to survive on their own during the war. After their reunion, she made it her duty to rid them of the same guilt that Nel had just confessed to her a few hours ago. Mila Rose had been the one to issue the apology for leaving her in captivity while Apacci fidgeted awkwardly and Sung Sun tried to avoid making eye contact.
They looked like they were about to cry when she told them that there was nothing to apologise for, and that if her being captured ensured their safety, it was more than worth it.
Their unspoken bond was sacred and despite how often they would fight, there was never any lingering grudges between the three of them. Many nights, Harribel often just laid there and listened to them converse in the darkness, it was peaceful in a way, to hear them speak freely about whatever came to mind.
Tonight their topic of conversation was Grimmjow and Nel. It made her shamefully think back to how naive her armchair diagnosis seemed compared to the amount of thought Nel must have put into the matter.
Should she have said more, was it even her place to? Maybe she was the one with PTSD, constantly thinking about those chains wrapped tight against her skin.
Harribel frowned at this recurring line of thought which had antagonised her for the past few months. Her anger at being reminded of her capture suddenly brought her back to those Espada who had slandered her when they thought she wasn't within earshot. She only noted now that Grimmjow was not one of the voices amongst them.
In fact, she hadn't even taken notice of the Sexta for the first few weeks. He seemed morose; quiet most of the time and offering muttered answers whenever Aizen would ask something of him. It never even occurred to her until now that during all that time, he was yearning for Nel.
She attributed it to indifference on her part rather than inattention, as she only truly took heed of him when he came to the table with a fire lit under him on the exact same day Nnoitra was promoted to the rank of Fifth Espada. Not competitiveness, as she labelled it at the time: vengeance.
Nnoitra being one of the few who vocally lamented her position being two ranks higher than his, it was likely he couldn't resist rubbing salt on Grimmjow's wounds, rather than keep what actually happened to Nel to himself.
Harribel only found out the truth when Nel revealed it during one of their exchanges. She knew it had to be a lot to get off her chest, as Nel rarely left her tea unfinished.
Those weeks where Grimmjow was despondent, they were somewhat reminiscent of his current mood. But why? Aside from her nightmares, Nel slept soundly by his side every night now. They no longer had to hide their relationship and slink away to their own quarters at the risk of being found sleeping together.
Did he feel like he was losing her again?
"You think they love each other?" Mila Rose asked, bringing Harribel's attention back to her Fracciones' discussion.
Apacci sniggered. "The only thing Grimmjow loves is violence, I bet he's just using Nel to get his rocks off."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I can think of two good reasons right on her chest." Apacci scoffed.
"No, I mean how can you be so sure that his feelings don't run deeper that; think about how long they've been together." Mila Rose pointed out.
"You ever meet Grimmjow? He's got like, three moods, tops. In the mood to fight, in the mood to sleep and in the mood to fuck. Well I guess I'm not counting his new mood where he talks like someone cut his balls off. I think I almost prefer his angry shouting to these disgustingly timid attempts at idle chatter." Apacci sneered, causing Mila Rose to giggle.
"As for Nel, I'm pretty sure anyone is a step up for her after being alone with those two Fracciones of hers for so long, I mean have you not seen the way she looks at..." Apacci only narrowly managed to stop herself saying her mistress' name, sometimes it was easy to forget that Harribel was in the same room as her, given how quiet she tended to be.
"It seems you have a lot of opinions on Grimmjow when he is nowhere to be seen." Sung Sun finally said.
"Shut up, Sung Sun!" Apacci growled, giving her a dig in the ribs. Apacci always hated how she only spoke up with a petty jibe or whenever she knew she was right.
"Sometimes your perception of people can be misguided if you only focus on the surface." Harribel said, and the room immediately went dead silent at the even, low tone of their mistress.
"Look deeper, as you would when measuring a new, unknown combatant. Would you gauge the strength of your opponent based simply on their boasts and posturing? No, so you shouldn't paint Grimmjow or Nelliel with such a shallow brush. Take their history, actions and circumstances into account before casting judgement."
"As for his more restrained conduct recently, I remember several occasions where his rage would have left the three of you bloody and bruised had I not stepped in, are you telling me you long for those moments, Apacci? Why mock someone for making a genuine effort to better themselves, it only serves to make you look like the ignorant one."
Apacci didn't say anything out of shame; to be lectured by Harribel made her feel like the scum of the earth. She curled up into a ball and subconsciously leaned closer to Mila Rose for comfort.
After letting the uncomfortable tension hang in the air for a few beats, Harribel eased her spiritual pressure and decided that that was enough for conversation for tonight.
"Go to sleep, all of you." Harribel instructed, the harshness in her voice completely gone.
As Apacci turned over, she caught a glimpse of Sung Sun's smug grin at her being told off. Apacci snarled and drove a kick into her legs.
Being the main source of water in Hueco Mundo, Harribel was thankful that not many Hollows had need for hydration or hygiene. She was never asked to provide it when Aizen was in charge, which only raised the question of where he got it from in the middle of a desert.
Just another mystery surrounding the always enigmatic, omnipresent man.
Bathing was another bonus available to only herself, her Fracciones, Grimmjow and Nel. As well as cleanliness, it also served to be an incredibly therapeutic past time. They all agreed on carving large, marble indents into the floors of their rooms during the reconstruction. It took some precise chiselling and smoothing for the surface to be comfortable enough to lie back in.
When she had some free time, Harribel worked on her abilities of manipulating water; the volume she produced and controlling the temperature of it. While it meant that they were all able to have warm baths, she was also silently glad that if she should ever find herself face-to-face with that silver-haired Shinigami again, she could now turn his ice to steam.
Wringing the last droplets out of one of her braids while passing through the halls, Harribel immediately halted as she bumped into Grimmjow. They stood there awkwardly for a few moments, like they were both trying to find the right words to meet the minimum requirements of their social contracts. He both beat her to the punch, and caught her off guard with what he settled on.
"So... nice day we're having." He tried.
"What?" Harribel asked.
After some painful small talk that went on for far too long, Harribel invited Grimmjow to join her in the same room where she conversed with Nel.
"Tea?" She offered, boiling liquid spilling from her fingers like a miniature waterfall.
"No." He said, looking around to examine the room where Nel and Harribel spent most of their time talking. It was quaint, homely even, like Harribel had gone out of her way to add a personal touch in contrast to the previously bare rooms. Decoration and style probably weren't at the forefront of Aizen's mind when he was constructing his base of operations.
Grimmjow viewed this place as Harribel's personal sanctuary, an area that was equivalent to the spots around the castle he perched himself on. He wagered that there was a part of them that would always be solitary, and the need to be alone for a period would eventually compel them to seek a secluded area for a while.
It also spoke volumes that before today, Nel was the only one who had been in this space. Not even Harribel's Fracciones disturbed her when she was here.
There were many rooms in the castle that Grimmjow had not gone in. Now being occupied by Hollows that helped reconstruct Los Noches, he wondered if they also put any effort into making their personal chambers their own, or if they even cared.
Neither he nor Nel had many possessions save for some spare outfits. He was spoiled for choice when he could decide if he wanted to wear a black jumpsuit, or really switch it up with a navy one.
Nel had started a book collection from the few that Urahara and Ichigo had gifted her. She roughly assembled some crude, makeshift shelves with all the skill of an amputee. It was one of the most entertaining things he'd ever seen and the angrier she got, the more mistakes she made.
At one point she thought she had them steadily attached only for them to fall spectacularly, and he had to leap over to stop her from punching a hole through their bedroom wall.
As much as he wanted to make a smart comment on the stability of the finished product, he did have some small, waning sense of self-preservation lurking within him. Still, he was willing to bet that he could have done a better job back during that brief period when he only had one arm.
No Hollow was self-sufficient, and even trying to build spaces in their quarters where they could bathe had been a pain. So crafting a wardrobe to store what attire they did have was looking increasingly unlikely if they had that much trouble with shelves. They scavenged what furniture they could from the castle but it was still slim pickings.
Harribel made a better effort with her tower and because she was Queen, her quarters were a priority, so most of the initial labour was directed there. Even when she was satisfied with her repaired tower, Grimmjow knew there were still some amenities that she would have liked to add.
Humans always placed a lot of value on their belongings and he was slowly starting to understand why.
"You ever wonder who you were before? Back when you were breathing, I mean." Grimmjow asked.
"Not particularly."
He nodded, as if he understood everything her two word answer implied. "Well it's something that's been on my mind recently."
"I see." Harribel murmured, causing Grimmjow to roll his eyes behind her back.
"So, does Nel have this much trouble getting a conversation out of you? Because so far it's been like pulling teeth out, except not nearly as fun."
"I'm sorry, what would you like to talk about, Grimmjow?" She said, finally turning to sit down with her prepared cup of tea.
He wanted to scoff at her ever pleasant and sincere tone, it was just dry enough to almost be sarcastic. He sat down next to her and rested his elbow on the table that separated them.
"You ever thought we'd come this far, you being in charge?" Harribel was already regretting inviting him in; she was not in the mood for a trip down memory lane. "I'll be honest, I sometimes find myself longing for the time of our ranks. Things were simpler then, at least you knew where you stood." He continued.
"The competitiveness and cutthroat nature of the Espada was not something I relished." She said evenly.
"To each their own, I guess." He shrugged.
"I doubt Nel would miss the chaos of those dog-eat-dog days either." Harribel noted.
"No, she wasn't one to succumb to baser instincts alright," Grimmjow agreed, "Well, until it came to me." He smirked.
"Even with the uncertainty and paranoia that came with the Espada, I kind of miss those days when we'd sneak out for our midnight rendezvous'. Fraternisation being banned certainly added an element of excitement. Lying there when time was fleeting, just wishing we could have a few more moments together. But now that we've reunited and have all the time in the world, something's missing.
"She's getting better, I know you've noticed it given the lack of screams in the middle of the night. For whatever reason, it seems like me telling her about those times from before, they're helping. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier, guess I just didn't want to reminisce on my own.
"But with her getting better and me getting..." His voice trailed off. "It just seems like we're growing distant. And that scares the shit out of me because I have no idea what to do about it."
Finally, he was getting to the root of what he wanted to talk about. Harribel was grateful that he wasn't lost in nostalgia and hadn't come to her simply to talk about the past.
"Why distant, surely her recovering would only strengthen your relationship?"
Grimmjow side eyed her and said nothing. Half because he didn't want to answer her, half because he was desperate for her to take her first sip of tea, so he could see just how the hell she drank through that mask of hers.
"You really would give everything for our wellbeing, wouldn't you?" Grimmjow asked, changing the subject. "Not because it may be the heroic or selfless thing to do, but because you're compelled to. You probably don't even realise it until the opportunity presents itself, then you'd go all kamikaze if you thought it would save even just one of us.
"Just think back to that moment, that split second when you realised the battle against the Quincies was lost, and all you could think about was getting your Fracciones out of harm's way. That feeling right there." He jabbed his index finger on the table to emphasise his point.
Harribel narrowed her eyes at him, she knew exactly what he was referring to but wasn't sure where he was going with this.
"You see I'm compelled to do something too." Grimmjow said, subconsciously balling his fists. "Only mine doesn't arise under specific circumstances or when the situation presents itself, not anymore." He said solemnly.
"After we restored the castle and got order back in Hueco Mundo, there was a time where I was content. I guess that war filled my appetite for combat; rippin' out hearts and almost dying will do that, I suppose. Plus, I was actually just enjoying fuckin' around with Nel and you guys while the castle was being repaired. Sure, there were a couple of Hollows that needed to be whipped into shape, but it was all pretty peaceful for a while." He said uncharacteristically warmly.
"And what's changed?" Harribel asked again. She was more than happy to just listen, however she wanted to steer Grimmjow towards the crux of the matter.
"Nothing's changed, that's the fucking problem. I'm still the exact same malicious bastard I've always been, and that feeling that we just talked about, it's building again." He proclaimed, his tone nearly a snarl.
Harribel was intrigued. Introspection wasn't one of Grimmjow's strong suits, at least from an outsider's point of view, so to hear him speak so openly about himself was fascinating. Though she was puzzled as to why he was telling her of all people.
"Have you spoken to Nelliel about all this?"
"Why, so she can cry for me? I don't need to infect her with all the evil, all the- all the fucking bullshit that I have up in my head!" He suddenly snapped. He seemed angrier at himself more than anything.
Grimmjow looked for any change in Harribel's demeanour, but she didn't even react to the outburst. No, she was never the type to scare easy or flinch. Always composed, always calculating. He wanted to laugh about how sharing all this meant little when this was her response, but he figured if he was going let it out, there was little point in holding back now.
"I try to sit by myself, to meditate, to just stay still and try to quell those urges. Nel thinks I'm contemplating, or thinking about Kurosaki when I'm sitting in that spot of mine. She's not entirely wrong. Kurosaki was like a wall that I could just throw every violent and hateful impulse I had at. He'd just take it and come back for more with a fucking smile on his face.
"I don't know how to describe it. It's like an itch that I can't get rid of, right under my skin, just constantly ticking at me. When I get like that, with a lust for blood, I get angry, moody, bitchy. I say shit I don't even mean, to you, to your Fracciones, to her. It's like it's all an unintentional effort to rile you up and get you to fight me.
"It's not enough to tire myself out, I need to break something. To feel the snapping of bone, the tearing of flesh, the spray of blood. It used to be an effective weapon when I used it at the right time, helped numb all pain and removed whatever inhibitions I may have otherwise had.
"After a spar or a fight, or whatever physical confrontation I can find, it goes away. Then I try to remain in that state, just stay normal and not be an asshole. Though it doesn't help that you and your Fracciones act like I've got the fucking plague when I do this." He scowled.
Harribel thought back to last night when she scolded Apacci. After hearing all this, she felt more justified in her terse tone.
"But sooner or later, it comes back. It always comes back worse, just gnawing at the back of my head: that old urge to destroy. Fulfilling it feels... fuckin' amazing." His voice was barely above a whisper as he finished.
Grimmjow turned to look at Harribel dead in the eye. "Me and Nel both have a head full of demons; only difference is, I'm the one who actually deserves 'em. And unlike hers, mine aren't going away anytime soon."
Her poker face was slipping. Grimmjow had just dropped the mother of all bombshells within a five minute conversation and she had absolutely no idea how to respond. She felt out of her depth, ill-equipped to deal with all he had just revealed. How was she supposed to be a leader when one of the only people she could call a comrade had just confided in her, and she was completely powerless to help him?
"You can overcome your-" Harribel started, but he wasn't listening.
"She was right all along, her and that stupid fucking book." He shook his head and laughed bitterly. "I thought she was full of shit and just trying to make herself feel better, but she hit the nail on the fucking head."
"Grimmjow, you are not alone in this. You have Nel, and even the fact that you are here with me now, talking about this so freely, it says more than you know. We will help you."
"Help me how? The one person with the key to this shit is wrapped up in bondage underneath the Soul Society, and as far I'm concerned he can fucking rot there."
"If you do not wish to speak to Aizen personally, perhaps Nelliel and I could arrange with the General to speak with him-"
"No!" He snapped before immediately calming himself. His face was becoming redder as their conversation went on. "Let's- let's just leave him out of it. For all we know he could give you some bad information and the next thing you know the tattoo on my back is exploding."
"What?"
"This was a man who thought of nearly every possible outcome, would you really put it past Aizen of all people to not have an insurance policy in case one of us went rogue?"
He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled. "Look, Harribel." It was the first time she could remember him calling her by her name. "I appreciate you looking out for me, but I need to figure this out for myself. It's this contradiction in me that I've got to make peace with. How can a person created for destruction exist when there is nothing to destroy?"
Harribel didn't like repeating herself, but she evidently wasn't nearly as sagely as she appeared to be. Sometimes the simplest advice worked best.
"You need to speak to Nel about this." She pressed.
"If this is giving me this much worry, imagine what it'll do to her." He murmured.
"She already worries." Harribel retorted. "She was just in here with me yesterday telling me how she has no idea what's going on inside your head. At least if you were honest with her, she could actually start to support you instead of just anxiously trying to guess what's wrong with you."
Grimmjow raised an eyebrow at the sudden edge in that last sentence, then smiled.
"She likes you too, you know." He said, which caused Harribel to tilt her head. "You don't believe me? Nel fucking hates tea, and even if she didn't, yours ain't good enough to spend that amount of time with you."
"Don't change the subject." Harribel chided.
"No no, I'm being serious. I guess I just felt like you should know, seeing as how she'll never tell you. You bring a stability to her that I can't provide, I've seen how much that means to her, how much she reveres you."
"Why are you telling me this?" She asked curiously.
"She's been through a lot, and if you make her happy, if she's willing to open up to you; well I can't really... I could- I could live with that." He stammered. "Just... look after her." His voice trailed off.
"Grimmjow..." She had always admired his commitment to Nel but seeing how deep it ran was astounding.
"I'll be fine. I've never let my thoughts rule me, I don't intend to start now." He said bleakly, getting up to leave.
His hopeless tone worried Harribel greatly, a nihilistic Grimmjow could be a threat to a lot of things, mainly himself.
"I wish to speak to you again, to review how you are progressing and see if there is anything else you wish to share that may help."
"Like, a therapy session?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
"If that's how you wish to think of it." Harribel said with a hint of humour in her tone. "I feel like you and Nelliel open up to me in a completely different way than you do when you're together."
"If you say so." He muttered.
"Just out of interest, you never thought of me in the same manner as Nel?" One thing was for certain, she desperately needed to work on her attempts to lighten the mood for these future conversations.
"You?" Grimmjow burst out into genuine laughter at her unexpected question. "Please, I bet you've eaten more pussy than Hollows, though I could see how with your current uh... mouth restrictions, that would be quite the challenge these days." He rubbed his mouth to imitate her mask. "Still, I could see you transforming into your Resurreccion for it, make a night of it-"
"Are you finished?" Harribel interjected; clearly he was just as adept at comedy as she was.
"Ah, I've got plenty more jokes, but yeah I'm finished." He grinned.
Before he left the room, he turned. "Thank you."
That tone was far too final for her liking. "You're not leaving us, are you?"
"You sound like you almost care." Grimmjow gave a half smile.
"Don't mistake my calm and quiet demeanour for disinterest." Harribel said seriously.
"I was joking, I know you care, even if you shouldn't. Don't worry, I ain't going anywhere. You should know by now that you can't get rid of me that easily." He said, his smile widening before instantly vanishing the second he left the room and was out of sight.
She hadn't seen him in about a month.
Nel eyed his Zanpakutou as it lay against the wall and sighed, she wasn't sure if she was concerned or reassured by the fact that he left it behind. Her gaze trailed up the length of his blade and moved to her stack of books, still haphazardly resting on her crappy shelves. Not one word contained within the pages yielded any results that would fix whatever was wrong with him.
She had been worried sick from week two and was at the stage where she was preparing to hunt him down. The only reason she hadn't gone sooner was at Harribel's recommendation to give him his space.
Grimmjow leaving wasn't uncommon; Nel had a fairly good idea where he went on these trips. More often than not it was just about him needing time alone, but given his current state, she was petrified that this might be the first time he didn't return to her.
Her memories constantly returning only made his absence hurt more. She found it amusing how all the tales he told her painted him in such a positive light. She was looking forward to reminding him of just how many times she beat him when they sparred, or how loud he shrieked when she almost impaled him with her lance. It had certainly been a good test of his reflexes.
She smiled at the memory and lay back on their bed while stretching out; without him here she realised how spacious it truly was. They rarely got to spend many nights in it together when their relationship was starting out. However on the rare occasions when Aizen, Gin and Tousen were off playing Captain at Soul Society and the Espada had the castle to themselves, they could indulge and spend all day curled up under the sheets.
The first few times they slept together, it took them awhile to get the positions right. She would wake him up with a kick as his teeth painfully ran across her collarbone or neck.
"Get your fucking jaw off me." She scowled.
"Well stop trying to stab me with your horns then." Grimmjow hissed as she nearly took one of his eyes out when she accidentally turned her head.
Now she missed whenever he wasn't lying beside her at night. Whenever she read, he often liked to rest his head on her thighs, muttering some excuse about them "being softer than any pillow I could find in this castle."
How were they going to close this agonising gap between them?
"Lady Nel!"
She sprang up as Pesche ran into her room, her rhetorical question would have to be answered another time.
"What is it?"
"He has returned, he's outside, he's coming in right now!" Her Fraccione babbled.
"Thank you, Pesche." She said warmly and he nodded furiously before scuttling off. Grimmjow being present would be a good start to bridging the gap she supposed.
Nel took a deep breath as she stood up and went down to inspect the damage Grimmjow had inflicted on himself. She could sense him as she made her way to the front entrance, he was right at the doors.
She looked straight down the long hall and heard the heavy creak as the former Sexta returned home. He looked unhurt, like he hadn't even fought once, much to her relief.
Nel marched towards him while he sauntered to her. Thoughts swirling around in her head about what she wanted to say to him. When she was about halfway there, she upped her pace from a brisk walk to a light run.
Harribel emerged from an adjacent corridor to see Grimmjow and Nel meet in the center of the great hall. She stood behind a pillar to watch the scene unfold, her Fracciones took tactical striking positions without her even having to tell them to.
As soon as she got close enough, Nel jumped on him, hugging him as tight as she could before punching him in the gut. Harribel felt uneasy by his lack of a reaction. As horrible as it was to think, she was fully ready to intervene should Grimmjow have come back to Los Noches with an intention to destroy.
"Where the hell have you been?!" Nel shouted.
"It doesn't matter." He uttered, his voice husky.
"Grimmjow." She growled.
"I didn't want to offload anymore of my problems onto you." He quickly conceded.
"No! No more of this cryptic bullshit, no more sitting in that same spot for hours on end without saying a word. You are going to tell me what is going on with you right now, damn it!" She yelled, stamping her foot with a loud thud and leaving a crack in the floor.
Grimmjow considered her as she stared him down. Harribel stood in the background, as still as a statue though infinitely more conspicuous. He wasn't sure if he was grateful to her for not telling Nel the truth, or if he wished that she would have just saved him the trouble.
"I'm not depressed, Nel. I'm not upset at you not remembering our 'date nights', matter of fact, recounting them has been the most fun I've had in a while."
"So, what's going on with you then?"
He paused and thought of how best to word it. "There was a time when I wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, if I was going out. Somehow, I think that time has passed me." He said slowly. "I'm not upset at the peace times we find ourselves in either. I'm actually glad that things seem to be improving here, believe it or not. It's shaping up into something special, something that has no need for the likes of me. I attribute that to the two of you."
Grimmjow's glanced at Harribel. "You don't have to worry, I'm not going to hurt anyone. I haven't gone feral just yet." He said drily.
Nel spun around to see Harribel standing tense behind her, eyes focused harshly on Grimmjow.
"What the hell is going on?" Nel demanded, she was tired of feeling like she was being kept in the dark, and she was just about done with Grimmjow speaking in riddles and anecdotes after he just left her alone a month.
"I've got this." Grimmjow said earnestly to Harribel.
Harribel's expression softened and she nodded. She beckoned to her Fracciones who were waiting in the wings, ready to pounce should the need arise, to follow her in order to give Grimmjow and Nel some privacy.
Nel watched them leave, then folded her arms and looked at him expectantly.
They were back on that balcony, she had just woken up from another nightmare and the moon happened to remind him of an evening when they sat out for hours on end, looking up, not caring who saw them. He couldn't bring himself to share what was going on with him, not when she was going through her own struggles. Yet, rewinding their past seemed to be the solution to the puzzle of her woes. She got better, he didn't. She slept soundly while he had become more and more of an insomniac.
He had nothing to gain from keeping the truth from her any longer.
So finally, he told her. He told her about the voice in his head, the itch in his skin, the fire in his veins. It was like a weight off his shoulders, he felt cleaner, and for the briefest of moments, like he was back to his old self.
Grimmjow silently examined Nel's face to gauge any reaction when all of a sudden she started to pace back and forward, full of plans and enthusiasm, more muttering to herself than him.
"Okay, so now that we know what it is that's wrong with you we just have to think of a solution." She pondered, hand stroking her chin.
"Nel." He said softly.
"I mean, if our Aspects of Death are something tangible, something woven into us, maybe there is a way to remove them."
"Nel." He tried again.
"We're going to need some outside help for this one. We've been keeping to the terms of our agreement, so I'm sure we could arrange-"
"Nel!" He said forcibly.
She turned to him and was taken aback by what she saw staring back at her.
He looked at her intently, his stare pierced her like never before. His empty, blue eyes that were once so beautiful and alive, now looked glassy and listless. His soft, light blue hair was mangy and unkempt. She didn't even notice when she first saw him, so focused on looking for his standard injuries of blood and bruises that she completely missed his dishevelled appearance.
She used to see the scars that decorated his body as marks of honor, mementos from a life of tough battles to remind him of his victories and defeats. Now, they just looked ugly against his frame, which had gotten considerably thinner now that she examined him. His skin appeared worn and clammy, like he had just recovered from a severe illness.
This hadn't been the result of a two month absence, this was the gap blinding her to what was right in front of her. How had she not seen his body's deterioration when she slept next to him every night? She suddenly felt sick, Grimmjow had been suffering in silence this whole time and she was only now seeing the effects.
She needed time. Time to think, time to formulate a plan that would fix him.
"Come on, let's go for a spar, blow off some steam. That'll have you feeling better in no time." She tried with a weak grin.
When he didn't move an inch, her heart started racing. The one question on her lips, the one question he danced around and alluded to, the one question that she couldn't think of any other way to phrase.
The one question that his entire body language begged her to ask him despite the implications his answer would bring.
"Do- do you want to die?" Nel whispered.
"I don't know." He replied flatly.
The bluntness of his answer shouldn't have shocked her, it wasn't definitive, wasn't concrete. But the fact that he was open to it, the fact that he felt completely ambivalent to his own wellbeing, it terrified her.
She started panicking. This wasn't right. Where was the explosive meltdown, why wasn't he full of that fury and violence? Why was he speaking to her so rationally?
"You can- you can talk to me, we'll figure something out. C'mon, all we've been through, it should be simple. If you talked to Harribel and got this far, imagine where talking to me could get you." She said desperately. "You may think that this place has no need for you now, but I do."
Grimmjow didn't say anything, he just continued to stare at her with that empty gaze.
"Grimmjow." She choked.
"Don't, don't. I ain't worth a single one of your tears."
"Why do you want to leave me?"
A flash of hurt finally spread across his features at such a harsh and direct question. "I never, ever want to leave you. I've been intoxicated with you ever since you went out of your way to introduce yourself to me."
Finally he moved and wrapped his arms around her. His embrace even felt tired, like she was holding him up more than he was hugging her.
"We've been fighting the whole world to stay together from that moment, right after I told you my name, and everytime after we've somehow come out on top. But I can't fight this, it's gonna kill me, one way or another." He whispered into her ear.
"What do you mean?"
Grimmjow exhaled slowly and pulled back to look at her.
"I'm like a melting pot for all of man's worst impulses. Aizen and that fucking Hogyoku; it corrupted us, infected us, twisted our spirits into something we were never meant to be. I really don't think he ever intended for us to last this long, because this impulse, it's getting worse.
"It's not a personality trait, it's not a temporary urge. It's ingrained in me, it's quite literally embedded into my very being. I was made for one purpose, and one purpose alone: To destroy. That's my gift, that's what I have to offer to the world. At this point, I feel like I'm just... disposable."
Nel tried to think of some retort, of some witty comeback to comfort the man in her arms. Her mind was racing as she desperately tried to come up with an answer in less than a minute to a problem that he had been mulling over for the better part of a year. Every solution she conceived, every avenue she went down, it was all a dead end.
"I- I saved you once, I pulled you out, I can do it again, please. Please just let me help you." She begged.
"This was put inside me from the very conception, the second I stood on two legs and tried to rip Aizen's face off. I'm a weapon, Nel, it's what I was made for."
"You don't have to destroy anything."
"You say it like it's a choice." He whimpered, shaking his head and recoiling from her. "You say it like it's something that I want to do, or can control-"
"Of course I don't mean it like that." Nel said quickly, reaching out to him.
"I have been sitting on that perch for the past year trying to get a handle on this thing. I am what I am, and I can't change that no matter how much I want to." He turned back to look at her with the most steely expression she had ever seen. "A day will come where I can't keep it in check anymore and one of you will have to put me down. I don't want that and despite me being an asshole most of the time, I don't think any of you want that either. At least this way it's on my terms and... it's quicker." He said solemnly.
"You know, Harribel would look after you, I mean you're always saying how she's better company than me." He chuckled weakly, trying to bring any levity he could.
"I can't talk about this." Nel choked, tears starting to roll down her cheeks as the last of her resolve finally cracked.
She got up and walked away, each one of her sobs stabbing him with guilt. She didn't even look at Harribel as she passed, who had returned to see Grimmjow looking lost. As he saw her approach him, he shifted his weight and adjusted his posture in an attempt to regain his equilibrium.
"I thought about being restrained before I whip myself into a frenzy, but I would rather die than live in some cage for however long I'm like this, I think you could relate to that. Maybe that's how the story ends, all the destruction I've doled out over the years, it could only conclude with self-destruction." He mumbled incoherently.
"You told me before you left that meditating and being by yourself didn't do anything to alleviate your symptoms. Why then did you leave Los Noches?" Harribel asked, ignoring his brooding ramblings.
"One last try, one last attempt to realise that this shit isn't going anywhere. I should have died a long time ago; maybe if I had been in Karakura town, I would have been killed by Aizen as well. That would have been a worthy ending, coming full circle, falling to the hand that created me." He mused.
"If you had actually been at Karakura town, you would not speak with such ignorance. Two better men than you died in that fruitless war started by a madman. If you truly wish to die, then at least do so with some dignity." She fumed. "Self-pity is not becoming of you, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. I told you to speak with me and I would try to help you. However if that nonsense is all you've got to say, just leave now and never return, your presence here is a liability to us all."
It might have been the only time Grimmjow felt genuine fear towards her. The quiet anger emanating from her disgusted tone sprouted goosebumps along his skin. Her words carried the sting of betrayal; betrayal from both him and Aizen.
"I'm sorry." He blurted out.
Harribel wasn't sure if that was addressed to her, Nel, or the ether. She took her burning gaze away from him and retreated in the same direction as Nel's distant snivels.
Grimmjow stood alone in the deafening silence of Los Noches' great hall then fell to his knees. It was suddenly stifling in here. Despite the size, it seemed like the walls were closing in on him.
He felt broken and out of place. He didn't belong here. He was no King, he wasn't worthy to be in the same room as a Queen and her Knight. All he was causing here was pain and sorrow, Harribel and Nel's empathetic natures meant that they took on his hurt as if it were their own.
Was this it? Had he snapped? He expected his breaking point to involve a lot more screaming and violence, not him being short of breath, a lump in his throat and...
Grimmjow felt the first drops leak from his eyes. He immediately wiped them away and swallowed some saliva to clear his windpipe. Shaking his head and blinking a few times helped him compose himself, but he still felt miserable inside.
He didn't cry when she left, he didn't cry when he learnt the truth about what happened to her, he didn't cry when he was lying bleeding on those sands or choking in that poison cloud, at death's door.
He had tried to take his fate into his own hands and for once do something for someone other than himself. Now that someone was weeping for him when all he was trying to do was protect her. He didn't want to die, not really, not yet. But if it was between him laying down his life, or taking one of theirs, he was content with this being the end of the road for him.
For the first time in a while, the voice in his head was strangely silent. He didn't feel the rage burning within him, just this tranquil emptiness.
Harribel followed Nel's trail and stood in the doorway of where she found her.
Nel had ducked into the first secluded room she could find and was barely able to stand as she bawled, bracing herself against the wall. Harribel had never seen her so vulnerable, she was always so collected, so confident in herself. Yet now she looked just as lost as Grimmjow.
Nel sensed Harribel standing there and looking over to see her emerald eyes filled with such concern just brought on a fresh wave of tears. She went to steady herself, however she lurched forward and threatened to fall over if Harribel hadn't caught her, exactly as Nel did when she rescued her from that cell.
Harribel tried to help her upright, but was caught off guard when Nel grasped at her sleeves and looked up at her helplessly.
"I- I don't know what to do." She whimpered.
Nel's trembling hands loosened as she sank to the floor, utterly defeated. Knowing that there was nothing she could say at that moment that would be of any comfort, Harribel bent down to her level and pulled her in tight.
She had failed. Three broken Arrancar who were falling apart right in front of her very eyes.
One was wailing in her arms, one was likely to either paint the sands red in order to satisfy his desires, or resist them and tear himself apart from the inside. The last one was a poor excuse for a leader who had grand aspirations to create a beacon of hope in the desert, yet was just as likely to become even more cynical and jaded as she watched each of her allies decline, all while being unable to do anything about it.
"I'm sorry." Harribel whispered and finally understood Grimmjow's apology to her. She wasn't sure if hers was addressed to Nel either, but she continued to hold her close until the last of her tears had been spilled.