Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Ennis lay soaked in wet, twisted in his sheets, like he was most every dawn. His face felt damp. Wouldn’t be the first time his release caught at his heart and left tears in its wake. Eyes were crusty, too.
Swearing, Ennis swung his legs over the side of the bed and forced his body to sit upright. Blearily, he squinted at the light coming in the tiny window. His breath left faint white trails in the air. Late in the year to be so chill.

Ennis was used to the ache in his gut that assaulted him every morning. Difference between what he saw in his dreams and what he saw when he woke. This morning it was worse, tight pain coursing near his heart. Somehow he’d thought – what? – that for once in his sorry life saying yes to someone he loved, his daughter, his baby getting married – that finally saying yes would tamp down the hurt?

Damn stupid ass he was, for sure. Probably he’d thought that saying the word “love,” though it was to Junior, and saying the words “I swear,” though it was to a memory, would help ease the hurt of every fucking sunrise. Ennis stared at his closet, seeing his future stretch in front of him. A long barren stretch of work, whiskey, peeing in the sink. If it weren’t for Junior and Francine, he might just lie there in those wet sheets till he couldn’t move no more.

Tears rose in Ennis’ eyes again. Getting soft. But damn, those shirts, Jack keeping them together like that all those years. And Jack had told Ennis, told him without telling him, that Jack weren’t no one to hide. Ennis had seen the desperation in Jack’s eyes last time on Brokeback, first time he’d not seen no hope in that boy’s eyes. Ennis might as well have just raised the tire iron himself.

Ennis sighed. He mustered his strength to get to his feet, start another empty day.

Then something changed. He was lying down again, twisted up in wet sheets again, eyes crusty, face wet, but now it was dark. Middle of the night, looked like. Heart and gut still hurt, though, hurt bad. Must have dreamed the waking up. Never had that happen before.

Shit, this was worse than regular. Now he’d have to try to go back to sleep. Needed those dreams where Jack came to him. Harder when interrupted.

Ennis shut his eyes and curled again into the sheets. But something was wrong. He opened his eyes again and searched out the trailer in the dim light. Ancient stove, rusty sink, tiny window letting in some moonlight. Closet.

Closet with no postcard, no shirts. Pain stabbed him, hard, from gut to heart. What the hell?

He sat up quick, pushed to feet, was at the closet in no time. Stood there, gutshot. Wasn’t no picture of a mountain, weren’t no shirts. Eyes darted to the calendar from the five and dime he’d tacked to the wall. May. May and he’d just left Jack a month ago.

So none of it was real? The postcard saying deceased, the call with Lureen, the tire iron, Junior in love? The nights and nights of dreams, only solace from the agony of empty days?

How could a few hours of dreaming tell him a whole life like that? Felt so real he tasted it in his mouth, tang of loneliness like the bitter dust of Wyoming.

Ennis went to his stove, put water on, went to look at the calendar again. Turned the water off and went to his truck. Drove to The Barrel, it was closed, middle of the night. Remembered the radio, flipped it on. Country playing, then a guy saying it was May 15. Drove back to the trailer, sat in the truck, head on wheel. Thoughts swirled.

Must have fallen asleep again, because Ennis woke up with dawn breaking and a crick in the neck, bad one. Turned on the radio again, sure enough May 15.

Every part of him, every part of him was heading to Childress. Calling on the pay phone didn’t seem like enough. Every part of him except the part that showered, drank coffee, packed a lunch for the ranch. Every part of him except the part that drove to work, rubbed the horses, counted the stock.

Midday he ate his lunch, sitting on hay in the barn. Felt the tendrils of the nightmare still, so real he could taste it. Ennis didn’t believe in heaven or hell, not really. He didn’t believe in signs or prophecies. He was a man of the earth, of dirt behind his fingernails. But what the hell kind of dream could feel so real? Maybe it was his last chance, and his mind knew it. Superstitious bullshit, one part said. Another part, quieter, said he was losing Jack one way or the other, and it was his own damn fault.

Shit, he’d already let Cassie go. Deserved better. Why’d he do that, anyway? Knew his heart wasn’t free. Maybe queer too, but mind skittered away from that.

What kind of man was he, anyway? Jack had been trying to tell him for twenty years, and all he’d ever done was throw it back at him, try to feel bigger by making the man feel small.

Maybe he’d already lost Jack. What he wanted, right? Normal life, no one looking at him funny? No fears of tire irons, Jack or him lying in a ditch?

Ennis found himself walking, walking strong. Told the foreman something, some bullshit, drove to the trailer, loaded food, couple of shirts, toothbrush. Left a note for the girls just in case. On his way out of Riverton, stopped at the pay phone, called the stable about his horses.

Driving just made it worse, the pain. Jack had driven those thousand miles few times a year for twenty years.

Every few miles, Ennis let up some on the accelerator. Felt the fear tug him back to Wyoming. Saw Earl in a ditch. Hated the part of himself that liked the muscles on Jack, the hardness, the trace of beard. Wanted to cut it out of himself with a knife.

Few miles outside of Childress, Ennis pulled into a wayside and stopped the truck. What had he been thinking? Waltz up to Jack’s house, then what? Ennis in his piece of shit truck, worn clothes, worn body? Jack wanted to quit him, anyway. Lying to him all these years, doing it with other men. Anger and pain lashing Ennis’ heart. Fuck Jack, right?

People at the wayside were looking at Ennis, looking at him like they knew. Wasn’t safe. Wasn’t right. Something to be done in the dark, in the wilderness. You don’t waltz up to someone’s door in the middle of fucking Childress and say sorry, Jack, want to change now after twenty years. And change to what? What the hell could they do, anyway? Weren’t moving to no city, couldn’t live like that. Shacking up? Probably kill each other. And if they didn’t, others would. And the stares, the whispers.

Ennis drove out of the wayside, headed back to Wyoming.

Twenty miles along, his gut cramped like the devil. Stopped the truck, knelt off to the side of the road, puking. The feeling he always had when he left Jack rose up in him, and a sob wrenched from the deepest place within him. Shit. Shit, shit. He was a coward, no doubt. Not a man at all. Never owning up to what was in him.

Back in the truck, all the way to Jack’s house. Steely resolve now. Big houses, manicured lawns, shiny cars. Ennis’ piece of shit truck, parked now in front. Felt like scum of the earth, but dragged his body to the door, pushed the bell. Couldn’t breathe. Probably having a heart attack. Wouldn’t that just be grand.

Footsteps coming to the door. Hat off head, hat in hand. Jack probably off fucking some foreman. Jack probably hated Ennis, would never get over the hate. Why should he? Ennis a coward for close on twenty years.

Door opened. Jack. Still haunted around the eyes. Ennis not able to breathe. Didn’t plan, didn’t know what to say.

Jack’s eyes wide, body stiff. Apparently not talking neither. Seconds ticking, staring at each other. Ennis gathering courage.

“Jack.” Rusty voice, barely could hear it. Eyes down low. Ennis raised his eyes, met Jack’s. “Jack.” A little louder now.

Jack, not moving a muscle. Low startle point. Eyes wary. “What’re you doin’, Ennis?”

“I. “ Ennis cleared his throat. “I don’t know, I …”

Jack’s eyes got harder.

“No, Jack, see, I. Your family here?”

“No, gone to fair. Few hours.” Jack looked at Ennis like you would an insect, a stray dog that wandered to your house. Ennis knew he’d lost him, it was too late. Desperation washed through him, remembering the days of waking into a world without Jack. Something in his soul shifted, became strong for just another minute.

Ennis looked Jack straight in the eyes. Took a breath. “Jack, I swear.” Tears in Ennis’ eyes. Couldn’t find words.

Something in Jack shifted a little, Ennis could see it.

“You drove here?”

“Yeah. Left yesterday. Left work and all.”

Ennis saw Jack consider. Ennis remembered Jack showing up at his place all happy after Ennis’ divorce. Remembered shutting Jack down, sending him away. Even so, Jack had met him on Brokeback a month later. Jack was thinking of sending Ennis away, Ennis could see it. Jack rubbed his face, glanced around the fancy houses.

“Ya better come in, Ennis. We standin’ here like this, neighbors’ll think you selling something and I’m buyin’.”

Ennis felt a wave of gratitude that Jack could still invite him in, after all this time, after all the un-inviting Ennis had done.

Jack stood aside, let Ennis walk past him into a rich cool house. As Ennis passed him, he felt the heat from Jack’s body, same as he always did. Felt his own body respond. Figured. All this heavy shit, and he had a hard on. Nothing changed. Jack did it to him every time.

So much to say. Words weren’t Ennis Del Mar’s strong suit, certainly not. But finding words now seemed impossible, ‘specially since Ennis didn’t know what he wanted to say. No clue. Man of few words come a thousand miles.

Every step into Jack’s house made Ennis curl further in on himself. Fancy paintings, fancy sofas, fancy floors even. On Brokeback it was easy to forget Jack didn’t live in no rusting trailer, didn’t eat food from a can. Sometimes Jack talked about taxes and shit like that, but usually a few days on Brokeback and he was himself again.

Jack’s clothes were nice, his trucks were nicer, but Jack breathed easy in the mountains, sure enough.

Ennis followed Jack to the living room, sat gingerly on a white sofa that had nothing of the Jack he knew in it. Jack sat across from him in some big soft chair. Jack never sat across from him, always sat next to him. Jack glanced at his silver watch. Jack never looked at his watch, ‘cept when their time was running out.

Jack was jumpy, foot tapping. Not looking straight at Ennis. Jack jumped up, said he had to make a phone call. Back in a minute. Jack walked, quick-like, down a hall, probably to the bedroom. Closed the door. Ennis heard his voice, muffled, soft at first, then rising.

Ennis never made it past ninth grade, but he wasn’t stupid. Wife and kid gone, Jack had an appointment. Not the business kind of appointment, neither. Rage took him hard, white-hot. Ennis driving all that way. He’d warned Jack, just last month.

Sickness slammed him in the gut a few seconds after the rage. Pictures swam in his mind, pictures of Jack, taking it from another man, whispering in another man’s ear, his mouth on another man’s body. In his dream, it’d been some ranch foreman. Shit.

Ennis lurched up, heading for the front door. Couldn’t make it, ducked into the bathroom. Sickness took him, hard this time.

Crouched over the toilet, after some time, Ennis felt Jack’s eyes on him. Jack was leaning on the doorframe, watching Ennis. Ennis scrambled to his feet, tried for the door. Jack didn’t move. Ennis shoved him, hard. His voice came out a low growl. “Get the fuck out a’ my way, Jack.”

“I don’t think so.” Jack’s voice like steel, like Ennis had never heard it ‘cept once, that one time being just last month. What had Jack become? Who was Jack, anyway, this man Ennis saw just a few days a year?

“Step out a’ my way, boy. Told ya’. Told ya’ might kill you, all them things I don’t know, all them things . . .” To his shame, Ennis’ voice broke. Rage took him again, and he grabbed Jack by the shoulders, threw him across the hall, made for the front door, boots clacking on the shiny tile.

The punch felled Ennis like a tree. Out of nowhere, a sucker punch. Ennis lay bleeding on the cool fancy tile of Jack’s front hall, clutching his jaw.

Jack stood in front of the door, blocking it. Ennis still lay on the floor, gasping, eyeing Jack.

Jack slowly lowered himself to sitting, back to the door. “You ain’t leavin’ my fuckin’ house Ennis. Not till we have it out. Why you’re here.” His eyes cut to the hallway to the bedroom. “All o’ it.”

Ennis raised his head. Murderous intent in his eyes.

“You can try, Ennis. Sure ‘nuff you could beat the crap out of me, probably kill me.” Jack sighed, a defeated sound. Maybe that’d be better.” Jack lowered his eyes, raised them again to Ennis’, and Ennis saw something new in them, something he hadn’t seen in a long time. Jack took a breath. Jack’s voice came out soft. “That what you come here for, Ennis?”

The pain in Ennis’ jaw was letting up just enough that he could think, if thinking is what you called it. He felt rage, wanted to tear Jack limb from limb. He felt a nameless softness toward this soft Jack. He felt shame, hot stabs of shame for ever looking at a man, ever touching a man, not a woman, like God intended.

Underneath it all, Ennis’ nightmare whispered to him of lonely days and nights, stretching on till death, filling him with what he vaguely realized must be fear.

Ennis could smell Jack from where he lay. He smelled of sweat and fancy shampoo and something else, something musky that was just Jack. And, suddenly, absurdly, Ennis felt lust, lying there with blood on the floor, vomit in his mouth, staring at Jack splayed out in front of the door.

Jack, who had always understood Ennis’ feelings better than Ennis, looked straight at Ennis, said, “I ain’t no girl, Ennis. Don’t need no sweet talk. That’s something you like ‘bout me.”

The air shifted between them, just like that. Ennis crawled to Jack, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Jack reached a hand and grabbed Ennis’ head, pulled him to his mouth. Ennis crawled between Jack’s legs, taking Jack’s mouth hard. Jack’s arms went round Ennis’ neck, held Ennis fast.

Ennis tried to head down Jack’s jaw, but Jack’s hands kept pulling him back to his mouth. Jack was kissing the hell out of him, hands grabbing Ennis’ hair, tongue deep in Ennis’ mouth.

Ennis grabbed Jack’s hands, forced them up and back against the door, pinned Jack’s wrists there above his head. Ennis licked a trail down Jack’s jaw, swirled in his ear, headed down his neck. Ennis wanted to devour Jack, swallow him whole. Jack moaned.

Jack was straining his hips up now, trying to rub against Ennis, but Ennis held his own body up, out of reach. Ennis shifted his grip so both Jack’s wrists were held in Ennis’ left hand, pinned fierce against the door. Ennis reached his right hand down and started flipping the buttons of Jack’s shirt open, one by one, his mouth never leaving Jack’s skin, trailing further and further down Jack’s chest. Jack moaned louder.

Ennis got Jack’s shirt unbuttoned, pushed it aside with his hand, licked a nipple. Jack practically levitated off the floor. “Fuck! Ennis!” Ennis licked harder, grabbed the nipple softly between teeth, pulled. Jack struggled to get his hands free, whimpering. Ennis pressed them harder against the door, returned to Jack’s mouth, tongue pushing in hard. Ennis forced himself not to grind against Jack. Jack moaned, said “Ennis.” “Ennis, please.”

Ennis pulled his mouth away from Jack’s. “Please what, Jack?” Ennis managed to whisper.

Jack banged his head back against the door. “Oh, fuck. Sadist. Need ya’.”

Ennis growled, lowered his body against Jack’s. Awkward position, but sexy as hell, Jack’s arms over his head, held fast in Ennis’ left hand, Ennis’ right hand now circling under Jack’s ass, Ennis’ body grinding into Jack’s, Jack lifting up, both of them trying to fuck each other through layers of jeans.

Ennis felt his control slipping. Could a guy almost forty years old come in his pants from a dry hump? Appeared so. Jack, breathing hard, apparently of the same mind, said “Ennis, not like this, not like this, gonna shoot you’re so fuckin’ good.”

Panting, Ennis pulled himself off Jack a few inches, saw Jack’s eyes closed, saw Jack’s body writhe toward Ennis’ body, like the hand of a compass heading north. Ennis waited there, just waited, panting, till Jack opened his eyes. “C’mon, Ennis.”

Ennis didn’t recognize his own voice it was so low. “Should make you beg, friend.”

Jack’s eyes turned liquid. “Jesus H., Ennis. You never talked ‘a me like that afore.”

Ennis wrenched Jack’s wrists even harder against the door, reached in and licked, fucking licked a hot line across Jack’s lips. Jack gasped. Ennis pulled back a few inches. “Never drove to fuckin’ Childress ‘afore, neither, huh? Lot o’ things I never done ‘afore, Jack.” Ennis’ right hand pulled Jack by his ass right up against him, and Ennis ground hard. Jack’s eyed rolled up, and Ennis felt Jack’s whole body trembling like a leaf under him.

Jack murmered, “I swear, Ennis, you don’t fuck me now, gonna’ come just from you talkin’.” Ennis groaned, couldn’t help it, then let go Jack’s hands. Jack reached for Ennis’ belt, but his hands were shaking too bad, they couldn’t do it. Ennis scrabbled for his own belt as Jack did the same, of one mind now if never again or since.

Both of them pushed their own jeans down, frantic, Jack turning, one hand pressed palm on the door, one on the floor, saying “c’mon, c’mon,” Ennis spitting, hadn’t done it on just spit for awhile, but wasn’t going to stop for nothing. The push, then Ennis trying to wait, trying to hold still to let Jack adjust, but fuck, Jack was pushing back, leveraging his strength against the door, moaning “Ennis, Ennis,” and Ennis remembered Jack’s muffled conversation on the phone in the bedroom, and pushed hard, grabbed Jack’s hips and held him still, lowered his teeth and sunk them in Jack’s shoulder. A shudder shook Jack’s body.

Jack was babbling, incoherent, but Ennis heard “more” and “c’mon,” and he pounded into him and reached around and wrapped his hand hard around Jack, merciless. Jack came on a groan, rising to a no shit scream, and then Ennis was coming, in a blinding hot flash that went on and on, and he heard a voice, probably his own, growling “mine, Jack.”

Ennis lay unaware for a time on top of Jack, who had collapsed to the floor underneath him. The world around him returned in pieces. His nose lay buried in Jack’s hair, which curled, slick with sweat, against his neck. Ennis’ hands were clenched in the edges of Jack’s shirt.

He was shaking.

No, it wasn’t Ennis who was shaking. It was Jack underneath him who was shaking.

What the hell? Ennis withdrew slowly, unclenched his fingers from Jack’s shirt, rolled off to the side. Jack was still shaking, silent. “Jack?”

No response. Jack’s face was hidden, facing the floor, his arm thrown tight over his eyes.

“Bud?” Ennis reached out, tried to pull Jack’s arm off his face. Jack wrenched his arm back, turned his face away from Ennis. Warmth stabbed in Ennis’ gut, but this time it felt like butterfly wings. He was acquainted with the feeling, but usually he just waited it out. He felt a desire to do something different this time.

Somewhere in Jack’s house, a phone started ringing.

Jack tensed, pushed up, back to Ennis, swiped his wrinkled shirtsleeve fast over his face. The phone continued to ring. Glancing at his watch, Jack said “Oh, shit.” He pulled on his pants, rose to his feet.

Ennis sat up, pulled on his jeans as Jack walked down the hall, toward the ringing phone. Jack called back, “fuckin’ phone. I’ll be jus’ a sec. We’re goin’ ta’ have ta’ clean up this place pronto. Wife and kid.”

Jack didn’t close the door to the bedroom this time. Ennis glanced around him, saw blood on Jack’s fancy tile. Blood and who knew what else. There was a definite dent in Jack’s wall. Didn’t realize he’d thrown Jack so hard. He looked away from the wall.

Jack’s voice on the phone filtered to the entry, clear as day. “Fuck you. Told you somethin’ came up!”

Ennis heard the phone slam down as he leveraged himself to his feet. His jaw was starting to ache, bad. Knees were killin’ him. Heart startin’ to hurt again, too.

Jack appeared again, took a look at Ennis, whistled. “Jesus, Ennis, didn’t mean ta’ clock ya’ so good.”

Ennis, despite himself, snorted. “I’m thinkin’ maybe ya’ did.”

The corners of Jack’s mouth turned up. “Yeah, well, I may not be walkin’ right fer a week or more.”

Something bloomed in Ennis’ chest. Jack’s eyes were very blue. His hair, graying at the edges, was tousled. Jack looked Ennis right in the eye, eyes open and clear. Ennis took a step toward Jack.

The phone rang.

Jack shut his eyes, let out his breath, clenched his head with his hand. “Fuck.”

Ennis saw in his mind’s eye some stallion, some bulked up fella’, or, maybe worse, some rich rancher with jewelry. Or a young guy, crazy in love with Jack. “Fuck you, Jack Twist,” Ennis said, turning and walking toward the door.

“Ennis, stop. Ain’t what you think.”

Ennis stopped, turned, advanced on Jack. “Don’t lie t’ me Jack. Stand anythin’ but the lyin’, goddamnit. “

The phone kept ringing, relentless.

Jack took a step toward Ennis. “That true, Ennis? ’Cause I’m thinkin’ you wan’ me ta’ lie. You can have your coupla’ fucks a year with someone with a dick, and not never think ‘bout what that might mean.”

Ennis had to suck in extra air to breathe. His chest heaved.

The phone stopped ringing.

Jack took another step toward Ennis. “Tell you what. “ Jack’s eyes narrowed. “Truth is --. You know, you sonofabitch, why you makin’ me say it? Tryin to - ” Jack’s voice faltered. He covered his eyes with his hand for a minute, then raised them again to Ennis’ face. His eyes had that defeated look Ennis remembered from last month on Brokeback. “Why you here anyway, Ennis?”

Why was he here? How the fuck had he ended up in Childress, Texas, in Jack Twist’s white house? Jack’s cheatin’ rubbed in his face, his own beat-up pickup on Jack’s fancy street, his own beat-up body on Jack’s shiny tile. Seein’ Jack’s fancy sofas and entryways?

Exhaustion hit Ennis all at once, in a giant consuming wave like prairie fire.

Ennis shook his head, pursed his lips, dug the tip of his shoe into the floor. Found a spot on that floor to look at. “You’re right. Shouldn’t a’ come. Be goin’.”

Ennis heard Jack’s sigh. “Just Ennis, please. Just let me clean this place up and we’ll get out a’ here, find a place to talk, or fer you t’ rest at leas’.”

“I don’ know. Mistake.” Ennis’ voice sounded weak.

“Ennis! “ Jack was using his growly voice. “You come a’ thousand miles or so in that piece a’shit, I ain’t lettin’ you go back till ya’ at leas’ rested. “

“Well.” Ennis kept his eyes on the floor. He could hardly stand.

“Friend, I traveled that road almost twenty years. Ain’t lettin’ you get back on it right now. Come sit while I fix things up, get some crap.“

Ennis walked where Jack told him, groggy, to the sofa. Next he knew, Jack was standing next to him. Jack’s voice was low. “Ennis, you sleepin’ on your feet like a horse.” Ennis’ gut did a flip-flop.

Jack’s voice was almost a whisper now. “Sit down, cowboy.”

Ennis sat.

Next thing Ennis knew, Jack was pushing a cup of coffee and a sandwich in his hand. “You even ate, Ennis?”

“Whuh?” Ennis’ head felt full of fluff.

“We gotta get out a’ here, Ennis. Lureen gonna come back any minute. She’s not stupid as she used a’ be, she’ll know somethin’s up she sees us together.”

Ennis grunted, started ripping bites out of the sandwich, bolting the coffee. Noticed his hands were shaking.

“Been doin’ some thinkin’. Cain’t leave your truck out there. Gonna leave a note says ol’ friend come by, gone with him a few days. Know a place we kin go.”

Ennis, still foggy, grunted again, which Jack seemed to take for assent. Jack nodded. “Let’s go, then.” Jack had a suitcase, pressed a grocery bag into Ennis’ hands. Ennis followed Jack out through the front door. The blood and everything else had been cleaned off the shiny floor. Nothing to be done about the wall.

Jack said, “I better drive.” Ennis fished for the key, still miraculously buried deep in his jeans’ pocket, tossed it to Jack, who caught it, one-handed.

Ennis felt his mouth curl up. His voice came out rusty as they crossed Jack’s yard to the curb. “Been workin’ on those reflexes, friend?”

Jack shoved Ennis. “Fuck you.”

Ennis laughed, first real laugh in a long time, got in the truck “I don’ think so.”

Jack pulled the truck away from the curb, threw Ennis a glance through his lashes. “Think again, cowboy.”

Ennis tried to keep his face stern. Jack laughed. Been some time since Ennis’d heard Jack laugh.

Ennis curled into the seat, and didn’t know anything more till the truck stopped, some hours later. Jack was out of the truck already, feeling around near the ground in front of a cabin. They were apparently in the woods in some mountains. Scrawny Texas mountains, but still, Ennis could smell pine.

Ennis couldn’t see much. Dusk, night falling fast. Needles crunched under his boots as he joined Jack.

Jack straightened, key in hand. “Found it.”

Ennis appraised the cabin, whistled. “This yours?”

Jack shook his head. “Nah. Friend of mine’s.” Jack opened the door, didn’t look at Ennis. “Ya hungry?”

Ennis followed Jack in the door. “Could eat a horse.” Ennis took in a huge room with vaulted ceilings, river rock fireplace to the roof, rich carpet. Jack walked behind a counter into a kitchen, started unloading groceries, beer, got out buns. Ennis fired up the stove, started some burgers in a pan. “Ketchup?”

“In the fridge.” Ennis shot a glance at Jack. Jack’s face was blank.

“Ya come here a lot?”

Jack shook his head. “Nah. Coupla’ times.”

Ennis’ stomach churned, only partly from hunger.

After devouring the meal, they took turns cleaning up. Ennis did dishes till Jack was done, trying not to think about Jack, naked, water running off his body in droplets. Ennis felt strange in the fancy bathroom when it was his turn. Huge mirrored reflection showed a haggard stranger. The bruise on his jaw from Jack’s punch was rising, mottled and purple. Still, he shaved, put on his cleanest shirt.

Ennis emerged, saw Jack had laid a fire, was sitting with long legs stretched out on the floor, bare feet to fire, back to sofa. Jack’s forehead was crinkled, eyes gazing into the fire. Million miles away.

Ennis approached Jack warily, slid down a couple of feet away. The silence stretched for some time.

Jack finally spoke. “Sorry ‘bout the punch. Sore?”

“Nah.” Ennis looked at Jack through the sides of his eyes. “Owed ya’.”

“From twenty years ago?”

“Uh huh.”

Jack seemed to consider this for awhile. “Girls doin’ good?”

“Yeah. Junior’s settin’ up for graduatin’ high school.”

“Right. Still can’t believe she’s that old.”

“Yup, crazy. Bobby’s readin’ still better?”

“Doin’ real good.” Jack leaned forward, opened a cupboard to one side of the fireplace, took out whisky and two glasses.

Ennis narrowed his eyes. “Nice place you brought me to, Jack. Real nice.”

Jack shook his head. “Ain’t gonna get into this with you, Ennis.”

“All the places, ya’ had to bring me here.”

Jack slammed the glasses and bottle down. “Best I could do, ya’ droppin’ in out a’ the sky. Ya want I shoulda took ya’ to the Childress No Tell Mo-tel? That what you want? Or how ‘bout we just stay with Lureen? “

Ennis closed his eyes, reached for anger. “Sonofabitch. I oughta kill you.”

Jack murmered, “like ta’ see ya’ try.”

A tide of red anger lapped at Ennis. But something occurred to him, out of the blue like, almost twenty years on. The question was leaving his mouth before he knew it. “Why ain’t you afraid of me, Jack? Most folks is, little bit.”

Jack sighed. “I ain’t never been afraid a’ you, Ennis. Know you, always did. One of them things ya’ like ‘bout me. Bet your girls ain’t ‘fraid of you neither.”

Ennis snorted, turned his face back to the fire. “Since y’ know so much about me, tell me what else I like ‘bout you, ‘cause right now sittin’ in some sugar daddy’s cabin I cain’t rightly recall.”

Jack kicked the door to the liquor cupboard closed, hard, sat up tall. “Ya’ like ‘bout me that I don’t pester you with questions like a gal, like what the fuck you doin’ showin’ up in Childress middle of the fuckin’ afternoon, no sleep, no food, last words ya’ said ta me bein’ ya’ couldn’t stand a’ be with me no more!” Jack’s voice had risen with every word.

“Had a dream.”

There was silence.

“Ya’ had a dream.” Jack, incredulous.

“Had a dream.” There was more silence. Ennis couldn’t make the words come. Telling Jack the dream would strip the manhood right off him, might as well just paint “queer” cross his forehead, drag him around by the dick. Never hear the end of it from Jack, neither.

Jack stood up. “Fuck, Ennis, I give up. I’m tired. I’m going a’ bed.” Jack walked away, down the hall.

Ennis watched the flames, saw a log consume itself and fall into ash. Jack was rich now, still a head-turnin’ beauty even with a bit of padding. Wasn’t meant to be, Jack with a grey old guy like Ennis. Why fight it, why not just let be. Wasn’t so bad, and if you didn’t stick your head out, no one could ever knock it off. Dreams was dreams, but Ennis wasn’t no one to stick his neck out.

Ennis glanced at the hall, pictured Jack getting ready for bed. He rubbed his hands together, feeling the warmth of the fire on his fingers. Took him back to their second night on Brokeback, all those years ago, Jack in the tent, waiting, hoping. Didn’t rightly know if Jack even hoped no more.

Ennis found himself leaning on the doorframe of the bedroom. He saw Jack, outlined in moonlight, lying on the far side of the bed, back turned to the door. “Jack, you take my shirt?”

Jack turned his face towards the door. His voice was a hiss. “What?”

“Back on Brokeback. First time. End of summer. You take my shirt?”

There was a slight pause. “What're you talkin’ about?”

“Remember I lost my shirt? In my dream, you took it. You do that?”

Jack stared at Ennis full on. He shifted, shamed look in his eyes. “Yeah, I kep’ your fuckin’ shirt.”

Ennis walked into the bedroom, collapsed sitting on the edge of the bed, back to Jack. He pressed his fingers into his eyes. “You still have it?”

Ennis could feel Jack considering what to say, whether to lie. Guessed he knew Jack ‘bout as well as Jack knew him, after all. Jack went with truth, defiant-like. “Yeah, I got it.”

“Your folks’ place?”

“Nah, Childress. Dresser.”

Ennis breathed out.

Ennis’ voice came out small. “In my dream. Not a regular dream. Real-like. Went on forever. You died. Was killed. ‘Ya’ got careless, men and all. I -- .”

Ennis stopped. Tears sprang into his eyes. Why couldn’t he talk, what was wrong with him? In a cabin with Jack in some pissant place out in godforsaken Texas, his last chance, he fuckin’ knew that, what was the point a’ not talkin’?

Jack sat up, back against the bedframe, silent. Jack wasn’t cuttin’ him no slack.

Ennis took a deep breath. “I got old. Lived alone. Wanted night ta’ come, ‘cause then I dreamed a’ you.”

Jack was still silent. Ennis felt exhaustion settle on him again. “I know yer’ probly movin’ on, bud, can’t really say as I blame ya’. I’ll head on out firs’ light – .“

A choked noise from behind him on the bed stopped Ennis. Ennis turned. Saw Jack, fist to mouth, eyes wet. Jack moved his fist, swiped at his eyes. “You asshole! Sonofabitch! Just when I ‘cide I cain’t take it no more, ya’ come waltzing in talkin’ ‘bout some dream but then you headin’ out again! Ennis Del Mar, you the stupidest son of a bitch I ever seen! I cain’t never move on! I try, it don’t work, won’t never work even if I never see ya’ again’ in my life! First time I saw you, first time, I knew what it was. Like a hun’red gushin’ rivers, like tamin’ that mare. Never goes away, never enough --.” Jack was full out crying now.

Jack’d seen Ennis tear up plenty of times, sure enough, but Jack never had cried, never in all those years had Ennis see Jack cry.

Ennis’ hand reached out. “Jack.”

Jack pushed his hand away. “Stay the fuck away from me! You’re here to fuck with me? Walk away again? Swear I’m done! You had some dream, but you not never goin’ a be able to change, so you’s just fuckin’ with me!”

“No, Jack - .”

“You ain’t thought it through, you just come here! Minute you think on it fer real, you won’t be able ta’ do it. Then where’ll I be? Back in the same shithole place I always been.”

Ennis couldn’t stand it anymore. He crawled over to Jack, eyes full, tried to bring him into his arms.

Jack pushed him away. “Leave me alone! You ain’t mean, Ennis, don’t you get it, you cain’t shit, so you gotta get off the pot!”

“Jack, I wanna try. Why I’m here.”

“Too late for tryin’, Ennis.”

A sob he didn’t know was there crawled its way out of Ennis’ throat and he felt himself collapse onto the bed, onto Jack. Ennis crawled up Jack’s body, wrapped his arms around Jack. Jack tried to push him away, but Ennis just held tighter. He pulled Jack all the way in his arms, cradled Jack’s head against his chest.

Ennis began to stroke Jack’s hair, kiss the top of his head, rock in a tiny motion. Words pushed out of Ennis’ mouth. “Little darlin’.” Jack sobbed hard then, burying his head in Ennis’ shirt. Tears sprang into Ennis’ eyes and he let them stay, rocked Jack in his arms.

After some time, after they’d been quiet for a long spell, Jack pulled back a bit, blew out a puff of air. His hair, gray and jet together, was curling, his eyes bluer than ever against his flushed skin. His voice croaked. “Shit.” He looked away from Ennis, wouldn’t hold his eyes.

Ennis’ hand, apparently with a mind of its own, reached out, cradled Jack’s face back toward him, thumb brushing under Jack’s eyes where a tear track still glistened. Jack raised his eyes reluctantly to Ennis. Ennis lifted the corner of his mouth. “Jack fucking Twist, you slay me. S’okay to have my dick up you, but you ain’t a man now ‘cause you cried one time in your sorry life.”

Jack still looked shamed.

Ennis took a deep breath. “Jack. In my dream, this dream I had, I cried every mornin’ and every night. Then I woke up for real, cried some more. Never felt so --. Nothing ever so bad as that. You not in the world. Didn’t know. Knew but didn’t wanna.”

Jack stared at Ennis.

Jack kissed Ennis, soft like butterfy wings, covering his mouth, his cheeks, his eyes, pressing him back and down onto the bed. Tears still leaked out of Ennis’ eyes as Jack kissed down his body, removing clothing along the way, nuzzling and then lingering, frequently returning to lips, then ducking down.

When Jack finally took Ennis in his mouth, Ennis was floating, unable to move, feeling the butterfly kisses everywhere, like nothing felt before. A powerful yearning came on him. “Jack.” He was acquainted with the feeling, usually just waited it out. “Jack, want you, Jack, stop.” Jack kissed his way back up Ennis, arriving at Ennis’ trembling mouth in time to hear him say “Jack, want you. In me.” First time for everything under God’s sun. Jack hovered over Ennis’ mouth, closed his eyes. Took a breath. Opened his eyes, breathed “sure?”. Ennis nodded, started to roll. Jack stopped him on his side.

“Best this way first time.” Jack spooned up behind him. Jack’s voice was in his ear. “Gonna make it good for you, Ennis. Best I can.” Ennis felt a shudder run up his spine, a licked finger behind. Jack’s voice came low in his ear. “Tell me you feel any hurt.” A finger in slow, then further in. Ennis’ body broke out all over in sweat. Slow sliding, gentle, then after some time, another finger joined, pushing, in and out.

Jack’s voice in his ear making him like to die, “That’s it, Ennis, just relax, be good in a minute, I’ll make it good fer you.” Something brushed inside made a jolt course up his spine, pleasure so strong there was no word for it. He knew ‘bout this ‘cause of Jack, but knowing wasn’t the same as feeling. He felt his body buck back, trying for more. Jack’s voice in his ear breathier now, “Ennis.” Ennis tried to breathe, get air to speak. Couldn’t. Tried again. “Jack, now.”

Fingers sliding out, slow, no pain, Jack’s clothes coming off. Ennis dazed. Jack back behind him now, kissing his neck, his ear, his shoulders, reaching around to touch his cock, stroke it gently once or twice. Then impossible size behind, pushing in a little, Jack panting in his ear, “relax now Ennis, gonna’ take it so slow, oh my God, so sweet.” Jack hovering there, hardly breaching. Ennis whispering, “Jack,” Jack moaning in his ear, pushing in past resistance, Ennis full, Jack saying “oh fuck!” Jack pausing, breathing, gathering himself, Ennis could tell.

Ennis full and wanting more, pushing back just a little, Jack tilting a little, pulling out, pushing in and pleasure with every push, pleasure in a red wave, Jack in his ear “that’s it Ennis, oh my God so fuckin’ good,” Jack’s hand reaching around, stroking him.

Can’t tell what’s cock and what’s ass, all blinding pleasure with Jack filling him, Jack all around him. Words spilling out like a door was opened, “Jack, God, oh my God, more, fuck yes, darlin’.” Pleasure taking him hard, like a fist, like never felt before, Jack behind, in front, inside, a wave going on and on, then cresting impossibly higher when Jack, in his ear and inside his body, panted, “I’m gonna’ shoot, gonna’ come inside you Ennis, oh sweet --” and Ennis could feel him, inside, filling him.

A long while later, Jack’s arms still tight round Ennis, Ennis’ hands still clasping Jack’s arms, Jack said low, hard and gentle at once, “this don’t fix nothin’, ya’ know.”

“Don’t I know it,” said Ennis, and pulled Jack’s arms tighter round him.

Ennis, still a man of hard work and early risings, slipped out of the warm bed when the sun was weak. Showered, made some coffee, toast. Needed something to do, no horses, no stock. Found some wood, an axe, started chopping. After awhile, the morning sun strengthened. Sweating, Ennis took off his shirt.

A pile of firewood lay in front of him by the time he felt eyes on him. Saw Jack out of the corners of his eyes. Jack gazing at Ennis’ body, two cups of coffee hanging forgotten, certain look in his eyes and jaw. Ennis resisted an urge to flex his muscles a little more, kept swinging. True, he’d kept his body taut with years of labor. Maybe he wasn’t completely washed up; muscles roped in his arms, stomach still tight. His hair had no grey in it yet neither, and it curled long against his neck, framed his eyes. Ennis felt a bloom rise to his sun-warmed cheeks under the heat of Jack’s gaze, which flushed to full flower when he thought on last night.

Jack stepped down off the deck, approached Ennis, coffee cup in outstretched hand. “Brought ya’ a cup.”

Ennis grunted, took the cup, not making eye contact. Jack’s hand might have been trembling. Ennis stopped those thoughts, swallowed coffee, feeling sweat trickling down his chest.

Ennis heard Jack swallow. “Y’all right and all?”

Ennis grunted, “yup,” still looking at the ground.

Jack nodded. “Okay, then.”

Ennis snuck a glance under his hat. Jack was looking straight at him, and Ennis’ eyes were snagged against his will. Jack took a step closer, glanced at Ennis’ chest and watched a droplet of sweat gather speed from where it had been hovering. Ennis felt it roll down his stomach, all the way behind the waist of his jeans, low and loose. Jack looked back up to his eyes. Spark that snapped between them, fiercer than ever, forced an exhale from Ennis’ mouth.

Jack, coffee dribbling onto the ground, breathed, “Jesus, Ennis.”

Ennis managed, “Ya’ said it don’ fix nothin’.”

“Shut up, Ennis.”

Ennis shut up. Jack, holding Ennis’ eyes, reached for the zip to his jeans and slid slowly to his knees. Time seemed to slow, any blood left in the rest of Ennis’ body rushing all to the one place. Ennis not bothering today with underwear, Jack had him out in seconds. Jack, sometimes a lingerer, today rushed ahead on the straight road, taking him in hard and deep. Ennis’ legs weakened, couldn’t stand for the strength of his want. Jack’s arms went round his hips, supporting him, stroking.

The sun, the pine trees, then finally Jack. Couldn’t stand to look, couldn’t stand not to. Nothing never so hot, never, as Jack, not a young buck no more, on his knees broad daylight, mouth wrapped round. Ennis’ hands, own accord, went to Jack’s hair, thick still after all the years. Trying not to pull, they rested, twisted in his hair. Jack, having none of it, growled, going deeper, and Ennis, liberated by Jack’s want, moved his hands to the back of Jack’s head, held him hard against him.

Now everything was fast, hard, and Jack didn’t never pull back. Ennis couldn’t keep his eyes open no more, felt the mountain sun on his face, and came, blindingly hard, into Jack’s beautiful mouth. Next thing he knew, he was collapsing into the dirt, legs wouldn’t stand no more. Jack was wiping the corner of his mouth, eyes dark.

The force of his desire to have Jack the same way hit Ennis hard. Pushing Jack over on his back, Ennis unzipped him, took him in fierce, Jack slick and gasping just like that.

Long time past, Ennis had learned to do this. This, something a gal did, a queer did, different than just fuckin’ a different place. But long time past he’d decided weren’t fair, couldn’t just lie there knowin’ felt so good, Jack put out he didn’t. Not fair, so he did it good and proper all those years.

Today, sun on his back, Jack’s hands in his hair, Ennis let himself see, first time, how he felt deep down doin’ this. Truth was hard. Died to have Jack’s cock on his tongue, straining thighs under his hands. The hardness, the softness, all wrapped up together, better than any woman. Not done to be fair despite the fact Jack was a man, done ‘cause Jack was a man, ‘cause he was Jack.

Fuck, Ennis so far out of his ordinary way of thinking anyway, lit on a thought sometimes had, always pushed back, nasty. Ennis yanked Jack’s jeans down and off, Jack barefoot anyway, left Jack’s cock, started licking down and further back. Ennis never used nothin’ but his cock back there, nor let Jack do none a’ that shit to him till last night, but now, in for a penny in for a pound, let his tongue lick, then a finger brush.

Jack thrashed under him like a fish on a line, gasping “Ennis!” or “yes!”, not sure which. Why not, why the fuck not at this point, so he licked some more, then worked a finger in. Pulled back to look at Jack’s face, what the hell, Jack moaning now like to wake the dead. Powerful urge to see Jack’s eyes, they finally opened on Ennis, then adding a finger, hitting gold, Jack saying “fuck! Ennis, Jesus!,” then not saying words just sounds. Ennis feelin’ the urge, leaning down to suck Jack’s cock again, fingers exploring, feeling Jack clench, hearing him moan like never heard before, feeling come in his mouth in a flood, swallowing some just to bring the point home. Aftershocks rippling through Jack’s body, Ennis feeling them head to toe.

Lay there like that a long time, Ennis feeling Jack’s breaths move his stomach up and down, feeling Jack’s body relax and loosen into the pine-covered ground.

Ennis first to speak. “Haven’t done it on the ground like that fer some time.”

Jack chuckled, hesitated, then spoke. “Haven’t done it like that, never. Two new things one day, Ennis – earth might stop spinnin’ here.”

Ennis, suddenly overcome with newness, strangeness, uncertainty, even the sunlight, harsh in his eyes. Earl in a ditch, Ennis queer now no doubt. Hating it still, hating it more’n ever. Hating Jack making a joke, hating Jack, hating himself. Heard himself say, sarcastic-like, “New to me, not new ta’ you, no doubt.”

Jack’s whole body stiffened under him. “Fuck you, Ennis.”

“Well, I’m tired a’ ya’ lyin’. And cheatin’.”

“You cheatin’ on me with that gal, that waitress.”

“Ain’t the same. ‘Sides, quit her.”

“When that happen?”

“Uh. D’know, don’t matter.”

Jack rolled, sat up. “Boy, you’re full a shit, and that’s no lie.”

“I ain’t never lied t’ you!”

Jack laughed, bitter laugh of twenty winters. “Ennis, you lyin’ your whole life. You lyin’ when you married Alma. When ya’ puttin’ the blocks to that gal. When ya’ say ya’don’t know why or when ya’ quit her. When ya’ say that’s not cheatin’, but men is.”

“I ain’t queer! Only done this with you.” Ennis took a breath. “ Not like you. You ‘parently cattin’ around’ with half o’ Texas! How long ya’ been screwin’ around on me Jack, huh? You ready ta’ tell me somethin’ true for once?”

Jack pulled on his jeans. “I’ll tell you somethin’ true when you tell yerself the truth, Ennis.”

Ennis’ voice went nasty. “Ya’ done that afore, Jack, ‘nother man’s hand up there, huh?” Ennis despising himself even as he said it, knowing he was lashing out like a dog in a trap, hating it but lovin’ it all at the same time.

Jack turned to look at Ennis. Cold rage Ennis’d never seen. “That’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever said to me, Ennis Del Mar, you son of a whoreson bitch, and you’ve said some doozies.”

Jack adjusted pants, got to his feet. “I’m goin’ ta’ town. Gotta make some phone calls, get some shit. Gonna have ta’ go back a’ Childress tomorrow. First light. You’ll be able ta’ be on the road ta’ Wyomin’ noon latest.” Jack went into the cabin, was slamming the door on his way back out before Ennis could think. Jack headed toward the truck. “ I’ll be back in a coupla’ hours.”

Jack took a few more steps, shot back over his shoulder, voice the Wyoming snow, “If you’re lucky.”

Ennis just lay there staring up at blue sky, long past the time he heard Jack start the truck, rev the engine hard, squeal out on gravel. Fleecy clouds marched slowly across the blue, a blue you could drown in looking up.

A cold cramp clenched Ennis’ stomach remembering Jack in his dream. Ennis felt like he was drowning in his own blood. Drowning in his own thoughts, roiling in his head. “Jack Nasty,” Alma had said. But it weren’t Jack was nasty, it was Ennis. He was queer, leastways for Jack, and maybe when he thought on it, always was.

What kind of man takes his wife like that if she don’ want it? What kind a’ man watches Jack’s long legs first day he saw him, watches him cling onto that mare? Maybe his Daddy so harsh on Ennis, nine years old seein’ Earl, ‘cause he suspected.

So now Jack was sick of his shit, who wouldn’t be. Probably lost him for good, Jack seeing again, just now, it weren’t no good.

Eventually, Ennis pulled up his jeans, sat up. Stared at the two coffee cups lying on the ground, contents long since mingled and soaked into the earth.

Probably better he let Jack go, let him go to the fella whose ground he sat on, the fella Jack was probably talkin’ to right now on some pissant Texas pay phone. Probably better for Jack, someone nicer and better, not all fucked up and full of fear. ‘Cause Ennis saw it was fear, all of it. Two ways fer a coward a’ deal with that: drink or fight. One of them, he’d already took care of.

Ennis stumbled into the cabin, headed straight for the cabinet next to the fireplace, pulled out the whiskey and a glass, poured it full. Was about to drain the glass in one swallow and head back for more when he saw Jack’s shirt, the one he’d had on in the dirt, crumpled on the sofa. Jack must’ve thrown it off to change ‘fore he went to town. Shaking, Ennis set down the glass, reached for the shirt, held it to his face, buried his face in it, soaking in smell of Jack, feel of Jack.

Jack deserved a man, not some sniveling fool didn’t know his own self, couldn’t stand up and say what’s true. Jack deserved more than Ennis could give.

But, in his dream, Jack didn’t want no one else, Jack wanted him. After everything, despite it all, Jack’d kept his shirt and wrapped his own around it. And this Jack, the real Jack, told Ennis just last night he did have that shirt, in a drawer in his fancy house in Childress, he had taken it, had kept it, all these years. The blood on that shirt had been his and Jack’s, mingled together, like the damn sheep.

Jack’d been telling him, telling him all these years, all he wanted was Ennis. Didn’t make sense, Jack could have anyone he wanted, but he wanted Ennis. Leastwise he did till Ennis put the final nail in the coffin back on Brokeback last month. And then today.

What could Jack think, Ennis mocking Jack all those years, Jack a braver man than him? Ennis felt shame, shame so thick it burned up his throat, stuck in his lungs.

The Ennis he’d always been would drink whiskey now till all these thoughts were gone, seal his fate for sure so he didn’t never have to hear his own mind accusin’ him of nothin’. Ennis set the glass on the hearth and stared at it. The whiskey glowed: tempting oblivion. Didn’t need no dream ta’ tell him his fate if he drank it now. Would be the trailer and all alone till death. And one way or the other, he might be killin’ Jack too.

Didn’t drink it, there was a chance. Not much a’ one at this point, but a chance. Probably losing Jack regardless, but why not go out in a blaze a’ glory? Jack deserved that, maybe even Ennis deserved that, he going to dream ‘bout Jack every day of his life regardless.

Ennis stood, hardest thing he ever did, ever, lifted the glass onto the mantle, left it, went outside, picked up the coffee cups, came in, started cleaning. Dishes, bathroom, bedroom, fireplace. Started cooking, some chicken Jack’d brought first day. Made a salad. When Jack didn’t come, made a sort of cake from stuff he found in bins, using a cookbook and a bit of a memory. Laid it all out nice on the table, didn’t care made him seem like a gal. Searched his heart; really didn’t give a fuck.

Finally eight o’clock at night still no Jack, built a fire, sat, just waited.

Eight thirty heard the truck. Ennis’ heart leapt into his mouth, stomach tightened. Jack stormed in, stopped in his tracks for a minute, shot a glance to Ennis.

“Jack.” Ennis’ voice cracked. He closed his eyes. Jack took a couple of steps toward the hall, stopped, said “Ain’t doin’ this no more, Ennis. Packin,’ out a’ here first light.”

“Jack, just let me --. Just sit for a minute, just a minute, got somethin’ ta’ say then I’ll never bother ya’ again ya’ don’t want me to.”

“I’m done, boy.”

“I know. You got every right. But what I said today? Ain’t the nastiest thing I ever said ta’ ya’.”

Jack sighed, came to the sofa and sat, as far from where Ennis sat as possible, crossed his arms. “Jist get it over with.”

“Jack, nastiest thing I ever said ta’ ya’, and I’ve said a lot in my time, was last month on Brokeback. Said I was nothin’ and nobody ‘cause a’ you. But it weren’t you, Jack, was me. I bin fightin’ myself all these years, you knew it, I didn’t see it. Didn’t let myself.”

Jack was turned away, not looking at Ennis, staring at the fire, still angry as sin, Ennis could see.

“Jack, I never said sorry to anyone ma’ whole life, not even Alma, marryin’ her a sin no question. But I’m sayin’ it ta’ you now, no bones about it. Ain’t you made me this way, it’s me. I’m sorry for everythin’ I done and ain’t done as a man should’ve done. I’m sorry I ain’t stood up and done right by you. I’m sorry as the day is long and I kin never make it up ta’ ya’, never, even if ya’ let me try. Ain’t askin’ forgiveness, can’t be forgave, it’s so wrong.”

Jack turned to Ennis now, looked him full in the face, but his arms were still crossed. Ennis scooted closer, just a little, took a breath. “Nothing I wanted ever’ come ta’ my hand easy, either, Jack, ‘cept you, and I threw it away, time an’ agin. Worst sin of all.” Ennis felt tears in his eyes, and he looked down, throat clogged. Raised his head, looked square into Jack’s eyes, spoke clear as he could. “But if lovin’ ya’ is a sin, Jack Twist, then I’m a sinner three times over, ‘cause I surely do.”

Jack gasped and closed his eyes, then opened them and looked at Ennis with all the sorrow in the world.

“Ya’ tell me this now, Ennis, when it’s too fuckin’ late.”

“I tell ya’ this now, Jack, ‘cause I want to help your daddy with his place.”

“You want to help my daddy with his place.” Jack, incredulous.

Ennis took a breath, begging more words to come. “I wanna see if you’ll let me go up there, maybe scrape it into shape, help your daddy. And your momma too. Maybe build a little house, it works out. House for me.” Ennis looked at Jack to see if he was understanding yet. He wasn’t.

“A house for me and you, if you ever wanna.”

Jack took a breath.

“Wait, Jack, don’ say nothin’ yet. Not askin’ you to come there now.” Ennis took a deep breath. “Better if ya’ don’t, just me. Give me time ta’ sort myself out, become a man could deserve ya. See if I can. No strings. Quit my job ta’ come here anyway, might be a good life for me, better’n my fuckin’ trailer n’ Riverton. Still close enough ta’ my girls, them grown up n’ all.“

Jack was still staring at him.

Ennis spoke even softer. “Know ya’ might not want that life no more, Jack. Ya’ ain’t had to scrap around with stock n’ seed for many a long year, and ya’ never liked it that much anyway. Yer a rich man now, Jack, fancy stuff, easy life. Don’ blame ya’ fer that. Ya’ might not wanna be at your parents, neither, ‘specially with me, push come to shove. I get all that. Ya’ can do what ya’ want, long as ya’ want. No leash.”

Jack was shaking his head.

Ennis felt desperation fuel his words. “I could come ta’ Texas if that’s better by you, get a job, maybe still find a way a’ visit my girls. But --. But maybe ya’ wantin’ ta’come back ta’ some real mountains someday? Big combine dealer not far from Lightnin’ Flat now. Case ya’ didn’t want ranchin’ work no more.”

Jack put his hand over his eyes.

“Jack, listen, I won’t never ask no questions anymore ‘bout what ya’ do down to Childress, won’t expect nothin’ from ya’ you come home ta’ yer folks. Don’t wanna never hurt ya’ again, don’t even wanna dream a’ ya’ with me till I know I won’t, hun’red percent. Maybe we cain’t never put it back, ya’ won’t see your way clear back ta’ me, but I wanna know I tried. I wanna know for once in my life I stood up and was a man.”

Ennis, exhausted by the flood of words punched out from his gut, sat trembling, looking at Jack, waiting. Jack closed his eyes again, collapsed back on the sofa cushions, breathed deep, turned to Ennis once again. “Friend, now that’s more words’n you spoke in twenty years.” No smile, but his eyes weren’t cold no more. Ennis’ heart squeezed.

Jack turned, looked at the whiskey glass on the mantle. Ennis cleared his throat. “I put it away, Jack, wanted it, knew it was ta’ hide from this thing, put it away, made dinner. Made a cake.”

“Ya’ made a cake.”

“Uh huh.”

“So you could help my momma.”

Ennis’ heart leapt. Heart felt like to breakin’, tears awash in his eyes, helpless with it all. Jack scooted over, kind Jack, still kind under all the bitter, and took Ennis in his arms, held him gentle, then tight, said “sonofabitch” in Ennis’ ear. Said “You ain’t the only one bin wrong, Ennis, I knew it was cheatin’, did it anyway, let the bitter get to me, knew how ya’ felt though ya’ never said it.”

Ennis pushed away a little, shaking his head. “Not your fault, Jack.”

Jack looked at Ennis’ face, stood up, went to the table, got the plates of cold food, brought them to the sofa, gave Ennis one, started eating. “Started after yer divorce. Tempted ‘afore, only few days with you in a year, never did. After that -- .” Jack swallowed.

Ennis swallowed some chicken. “Don’t need ta’ tell me, Jack. I mean it.” Said it clear and strong, light as a feather.

“Never was too good keepin’ my dick in my pants. One a’ my problems. How I ended up with Lureen. That and the money. I ain’t a saint, Ennis, think you know that. After that first summer on Brokeback, tried ta’ get ya’ out a’ my system. Ya’ can guess how.”

Ennis nodded, chewing some lettuce.

“When we got back together, in Riverton, after that kept it zipped all those years.”

Ennis looked at him.

“Truth. Was after your divorce, when I seen the cards on the table, I started. “

Ennis hung his head. “My fault, Jack.”

“My dick, Ennis.”

“Happen ta’ like your dick.”

“Well I’m kinda fond of it myself.”

Ennis’ lips quirked.

“Long and short of it is, been ta’ Mexico a few times, coupla’ other places, found a coupla’ guys ‘round Childress, married, they won’t talk. End a’ story.” Jack gestured at the cabin around them. “‘Cept this one’s getting’ a little fond I think.”

“Can’t imagine.” Ennis managed.

Jack shot him a look. “I bin sad for all these years, Ennis. Not gonna lie ta’ ya’ ‘bout that. Just makes me sadder guy wants me, when I do it. All of it just one big fucked up mess. Wished I could quit you. Appreciate what’s offered. Scratches the itch a bit, then just makes it worse. Not sayin’ don’ enjoy it, a’course I do. But it’s not never what I really want. Cain’t say it any plainer than that.”

Jack looked into the fire, chewing some bread. A log fell. A river of sparks flowed to the hearth and snapped into the air. Jack turned, caught Ennis’ eye. “And it’s not never been gals, not ‘cept Lureen and one or two ‘afore her. Only fellas. All a’ that was lies I told ya’.”

Ennis nodded, temporarily deprived of the ability to speak.

Jack looked at Ennis, searching, must’ve approved of what he saw, because he got up, said “ain’t goin’ a let a cake baked by Ennis Del Mar go ta’ waste. This is too good ta’ be true, a once in a lifetime event.”

Ennis, bowled over by Jack, as he was so many years ago on Brokeback, took the plate of cake, ate it. He could feel exhaustion licking around his edges.

Jack, after a bit, asked, “This thing ‘bout my folks’ place. This have somethin’ to do with that dream a’ yours?”

“Their place pretty beat up, my dream.”

Jack snorted. “Their place a fallin’ apart piece a’ shit. Tell ya’ what, bin worried ‘bout ‘em. Too bad, think the place could support a pretty sweet ranch operation.”

Ennis nodded. “Imagine so, things ya’ tol’ me.”

Jack reflected. “My folks’ is pretty wore out, though. Gettin’ old.”

“They know ‘bout you, Jack?”

“No, they don’ know ‘bout me, you crazy?” Jack must have sensed something in Ennis silence, ‘cause he wrinkled his forehead. “This one a’ yer spooky questions?”

“Nah, just – Yeah, in that dream, I went there, after. Your daddy a right bastard.”

“Got that part right.”

“He said.” Ennis swallowed. “He said you always talkin’ ‘bout bringin’ me there. Then some other fella this year, he said. Knew my name.”

Ennis risked a look at Jack, who was staring deeply into the fire.

Jack spoke quietly. “Reckon I talked ‘bout you some. Never ‘bout you comin’ there. Thought on it some, long time ago. Wanted our own place, though.”

Ennis winced.

Jack reflected some more. “Comin’ ta’ their place all those years after I jes’ seen you, possible they figured it out, ‘specially my momma. Probably know I ain’t ‘xactly happy with Lureen.”

“Hm.”

Jack looked at Ennis. “You wore out talkin’ so much, Ennis. Yer system ain’t made fer it. Come ta’ bed.”

“Nah. Too much a figur’ out. Ain’t a small thing. Wan’ ya’ ta say yes. Even maybe.” Ennis’ words were slurred.

“I’m wore out too, tryin’ ta’ stop myself from beatin’ the livin’ crap out a’ ya’ out there today. Come on.”

Jack rose, pulled Ennis up, then along the hallway and into the bed. Stripped him, put him under the covers, crawled in next to him, pulled Ennis onto his chest, and kissed Ennis’ hair.

The last thing Ennis knew before sleep took him was the sound of Jack’s heart, beating low and steady, and his voice murmuring soft in his ear, “maybe.” Ennis fell asleep smiling, ‘cause what else could ya’ do, Jack Twist whispered maybe in your ear.

Ennis woke up spooked, twisted in the sheets, soaked in sweat, fighting.

Someone was hurting Jack, something bad was happening, someone was shaking him, and ---

“Ennis! Stop it!”

“Huh?” Ennis had to pant for breath.

“Ennis, you’re havin’ a dream. Nightmare.” Jack had his hands on Ennis’ shoulders, had been shaking him. Ennis felt sick in his gut, had an ache up in his throat. Eyes felt sticky. Jack was sitting up, holding Ennis’s shoulders. Ennis was sitting up too, couldn’t move his legs. They were in a bed. Looking down, saw his legs were so twisted up in the sheets they were wrapped up tight.

Reality came back slow. He and Jack, in a cabin in Texas somewhere. His dream, his fuckin’ dream, propelling him all the way here. Falling asleep last night in Jack’s arms, Jack sayin’ “maybe” into his ear.

Ennis felt himself relax as the shadow of the dream faded. Jack let his shoulders go, whistled. “That was some nightmare, friend. What happened ta’ me in that dream, anyway?”

“Ya’ think you’re in all my dreams, Twist?”

Jack just looked at him. “You said my name. Number o’times.” Ennis looked away. Jack perservered. “So what happened ta’ me?”

Ennis shivered. “Nothin’. “

Jack cocked an eyebrow. “Must a been pretty bad, to get ol’ mister “I don’t go farther than ‘round the coffeepot” ta’ come ta’ Texas.”

Ennis swallowed, started trying to unwrap his legs from the sheets. “Yeah, well, think whatever ya’ want to.” Ennis glanced at Jack. “I’m here, that’s the point, right?”

“Guess so.” Ennis heard a new note in Jack’s voice. Jack was staring a bit too hard at Ennis in that certain way he had.

Ennis was still struggling with the sheets. It was dark, pitch dark except for the faint silvering of moonlight slanting in through the blinds. Must be the middle of the fuckin’ night. Tendrils of the dream clung to him; bits of anger and sorrow lapped at his thoughts. The things he said to Jack last night echoed like ghosts in his head. Couldn’t believe he’d said those things, practically begging him. Ennis pulled the sheets one way, just twisted ‘em worse, same thing the other direction. “Fuck!” Ennis couldn’t get the goddamned sheets undone. He let his head fall back on the bed.

“Can I help ya’ with that, Ennis?” Jack’s voice, low and gentle, but tinged with something darker.

Ennis looked up at Jack. Jack’s eyes looked black in the moonlight, dark and strong, familiar look in them now Ennis came to think on it. Ennis spoke short. “I’ll take care o’it.”

“I’m freezin’ here, ya’ pulled all them sheets off me.” Naked Jack next to him.

Ennis’ body had apparently already taken note of that, the tenting in the sheets being any indication. Jack’s hand, not freezing at all, landed on Ennis’ cheek, caressed it softly, then his fingertips brushed across Ennis’ lips.

Ennis swallowed, looked at Jack, said, “You don’t need ta’ do nothin’, Jack.”

Jack moved nearer, let his leg nudge up against Ennis’ sheet-wrapped legs. “Tol’ you, I ain’t a gal. ” Jack’s lips quirked. “Just ‘cause we bin fightin’ and you’re some kinda screwed up mess don’t mean I don’t wanna fuck.”

Anger wanted to win, but laughter did instead. “Thought a lot of things, Jack, but promise you, I never did think you was a gal.”

“Good thing.” Jack rolled so one leg was all the way over Ennis’ sheet-wrapped legs and he was looking down into Ennis’ eyes. Jack pushed the evidence of him not being a girl, hard, into Ennis.

Ennis groaned and pushed back, struggling against the cocoon encasing his legs. “Shit. Cain’t move.”

Jack’s voice was a purr. “So you’re stuck there, cain’t move.”

“Nothin’ but my hands.” Ennis ran his hands down Jack’s silk-warm back, slow, to the place where it dipped, and beyond.

“Mmm. I kinda like you helpless. Might need to put it to good use.”

Jack’s lips quirked, but his eyes held a wary look Ennis recognized.

Ennis studied his own reaction: turned on, that’s what it was, mighty turned on, then some powerful shame at that feeling, then the wanting to lash out. Ennis took a breath. He could do this. He could. He had to.

He struggled again, but this time for show, then lay still. “Guess you got me good and proper, Jack. At yer’ mercy.” Ennis darted a glance at Jack’s face, looked away again, shy. Looked again, mumbled, “Guess the only thing I’ve got is my hands.” He paused for effect, starting to enjoy this. He lowered his voice. “And my mouth.” Jack gasped. Ennis felt Jack’s cock jump against him, same moment. Ennis pulled at Jack’s hips, moving Jack’s body up toward Ennis’ mouth. “Come ‘ere.” Ennis had to hold in a laugh, Jack’s face looked so shocked.

“Ennis, you don’t gotta – this –“ Jack gestured at their bodies – “ don’t got nothin’ to do with –“

Ennis dug his hands into Jack’s hips harder, pulled him up toward the head of the bed almost to his mouth, said “you talkin’ too much, Jack,” lifted his head and licked the tip of Jack’s cock, just a little quick swirl. Jack moaned and collapsed forward, hands going to the headboard to support his weight, knees either side of Ennis’ face.

Liking the reaction so far, Ennis tried a lick up the side, then under. Jack’s cock was already salty. Ennis noticed his desire to have Jack all the way in, followed the desire, ran his lips all the way down and back up, lightly. When his teeth brushed at Jack’s cock, Jack hissed, so Ennis tried it again, wrapping his lips more firmly, pulling back with just a bit of teeth. Jack’s legs were shaking bad now.

Ennis imagined himself in that position, knew he’d be tryin’ hard not to thrust. Thought about it as he moved his mouth slowly up and back down, what the hell, lowered his head all the way back to the pillows, yanked Jack’s hips down, pulled him hard into his mouth. “Jesus!” Jack was panting now, starting little thrusts with his hips, but still holding back.

Ennis, wanting Jack to lose that control, moved one hand off Jack’s ass, lifted it to Jack’s mouth, worked some fingers in, Jack sucking hard, making little noises. Ennis moved his hand back to Jack’s ass, dripping wet, then let his fingers brush back there. Jack groaned and thrust, hard, into Ennis’ mouth, “fuck!”

Loving it, loving it all, Ennis let one finger breach, just a little. Now Jack was frantic, trying to push back on the finger and forward into Ennis’ mouth all at the same time. Little mewls were leaving Jack’s mouth. Jack’s sweat dripped onto Ennis’ face. Ennis pushed the finger in slow, feeling Jack’s tightness, often thought of, thought pushed away nasty, this time feeling it ‘round his finger, working its way in. Jack moaned when Ennis pulled it out slow, then pushed back in. He was pushing his cock into Ennis' mouth in a stuttering rhythm now, not smooth at all.

Ennis worked another finger in, then pushed them both, hard, all the way in, then out and in, again. Jack arched back, yelling “Ennis, God, Jesus H.” and then babbling words didn’t even make sense and then thrusting, control lost, into Ennis’ mouth.

Ennis was drowning in sensations: Jack in his mouth, hard and salty-sweet, pushing in, Ennis’ hand on Jack’s ass, feeling muscles rippling and shaking under his hand, fingers up Jack, feeling the tightness, Jack’s sweat mingled with his own on his face, Jack’s legs, trembling around him. Jack around him, in him, Jack about to come like this, nothing finer, then suddenly Jack pulling back, off, “Ennis!”

“Huh?”

Jack could hardly talk for panting. “Ennis, been tryin’ to tell ya’.”

“Whu? I wanna --” Ennis’ mouth headed for Jack’s cock.

Jack pulled away, reached down and did something to the sheets, ripped them off Ennis’ legs, freeing his aching cock. Ennis’ head lifted up in search of Jack, said, “No, Jack, wanna do it right this time, lemme –“

Jack grabbed Ennis and rolled him over on top of him, panting “In me, want ya’ in me.” Jack’s voice went lower to a growl. “Now. Lookin’ at me.”

Ennis lay there, panting, feeling Jack’s voice all the way down to his toes. Suddenly Ennis wanted this more than anything he’d ever wanted, Jack’s face in front of him, his own sweat fallin’ onto Jack. Ennis grabbed Jack’s knees, already on their way, pushed them hard all the way up, felt Jack’s strong legs ‘round his back, pushed in, long fast thrust. Jack moaned “Ennis!” like it was ripped from his throat. Jack was gasping, pushing up to him, cock hard and dripping against Ennis stomach.

Ennis struck suddenly by the beauty of it, Jack’s hair slick with wet from his own sweat, Jack’s eyes more slate than blue, so glazed, Jack’s panting, feel of Jack’s hips straining up on his cock. Powerful urge to slow it all down came on Ennis, and he did. Jack whined, a real whine. Ennis stopped moving his hips, felt Jack push up but didn’t give, leaned over, supporting himself on one arm, used one hand to smooth Jack’s hair out of his eyes, then pull Jack’s face up to his, murmured, “Jack,” and kissed him, slow and deep, tongue pushing in and swirling.

Jack seemed to melt, all resistance and strong muscle gone out of his body, kissed him back with all his self, twining his tongue. The kiss went on and on, Ennis stroking the side of Jack’s face. Finally, Ennis pulled out just a bit, let himself push forward a little, Jack meeting him but not so frantic. Again and again, slow and deep with his cock and his tongue, same time. Jack started whining again, low in his throat, shaking, and Ennis realized he was shaking too, power of this so strong.

He finally broke the kiss when he couldn’t stand it no more, pulled back so he could see Jack clear, started thrusting for real. Kept his eyes on Jack’s while his thrusts got stronger, harder, Jack’s face like he never saw it. Jack was saying words again now, words like to make Ennis blush,“Ennis, fuck, yes, just like this, fuck me,” words he’d never said before, maybe whispered, but never out loud like that, bolts of electric fire shooting up Ennis’ spine each time Jack spoke.

Then on the edge, right on the edge, reaching a hand down to Jack, coupla’ strokes and Jack was coming, looking at Ennis, nothing more beautiful in the world. Then Ennis, most brave ever, keeping his eyes open long as he could, so Jack could see him, see Ennis hover on the brink, then fall, harder than ever, right into Jack, his groan ripped from the deepest place in him.

After the shocks stopped rippling their bodies, Ennis pulled out with his last strength, and collapsed, full body, on top of Jack, Jack still panting like a mare foaling.

After some time, Ennis became aware again of where he was. Strips of moonlight filtered through the blinds, painting the room with silver. Ennis felt Jack’s lips in his hair, kissing the top of his head. Letting himself savor, why the fuck not, Ennis turned his face, brushed his lips soft against Jack’s chest underneath him, this quiet afterglow as rare for them as a bed, never enough time, always leavin’.

Yesterday morning all the newness had risen up in Ennis like a summer squall, spitting hail out of a clear blue sky. Tonight, the newness settled softly on him, a spring shower, spreading a warmth radiating out from his heart. Ennis let his arms go around Jack’s back, pull him even closer. Jack’s legs were around Ennis’ legs now, and his arms squeezed tighter behind Ennis’ back. Peace settled around Ennis like it rarely had.

After a long time, Jack breathed out a laugh. “Ennis, you’re goin’ to kill me you keep all this up.”

Ennis grunted, but then worried, lifted up a bit to look at Jack, managed, “Now Jack, I ain’t done this just ‘cause I’m tryin’ to get you ta’—“

“Nah, I know.”

“Unless it’s workin’.” Ennis chuckled as he lay his head back down.

Jack slapped at Ennis’ bicep. “Yer a riot.” Jack took a breath. “Meant it before, I ain’t never once had a complaint ‘bout this between us.” Jack squeezed his arms tighter ‘round Ennis, stroked a hand down Ennis’ back. “That’s always been – been better n’anything ever. You always light me up good no matter what –“

Ennis cut Jack off. “Thanks, bud, me too, but this thing –“ Ennis stared at the ceiling. “Ah, hell, I don’ know. I ain’t doin’ nothin’ I don’ wanna do, that’s all.”

Jack nodded. “Allright then.”

Companionable silence for a while, then Jack asked, careful-like, “Why did ya’ quit that waitress, Ennis? Kinda thought you might marry her.” For some reason, this time Ennis could hear what Jack wasn’t sayin’, what he never said, what Ennis never got before: to Jack, Ennis fuckin’ some gal was the same as Jack fuckin’ some guy was to Ennis. And why not?

Ennis rolled off a little, one leg still thrown over Jack, arms still around him. “Did it after last month on Brokeback.” Ennis turned his head back onto Jack’s chest, stroked Jack’s arm in little circles. Ennis shook his head. “Just seemed wrong. Didn’t know why. Maybe knew, didn’t want to see. ’Nother wrong thing I did, hookin’ up with her.” Ennis sighed.

“Ya’ break off before that nightmare of yours, then?”

“Yeah.”

There was silence, then Jack frowned, took a breath. “Ennis, if you went to my folks’ place, if any of that happened, you picturin’ tellin’ my folks ‘bout us? Or you just goin’ to be some hired hand?”

Something flipped in Ennis’ gut. He had to just breathe for a minute, power of his longing so fierce. His arms maybe tightened around Jack. Jack just waited.

Ennis forced himself to consider, took a breath. “I don’t know, whatever you wanted, I guess. I just don’t know if it’s right, not tellin’ your folks, presumin’ on their hospitality an’ all.”

“You’d be workin’, not a guest at some dude ranch.”

“True ‘nuff.”

Jack pulled back a little to stare at Ennis. “I ain’t never told them ‘bout me, Ennis, never planned to.”

Ennis thought. “Y’know, Jack, they’re your folks. You’ve gotta live with whatever we do, so I ain’t gonna do nothin’ you don’t want. I’m not goin’ to walk ‘round with my hand on your dick if you come visit, but I think maybe they should know what they’re agreein’ to if you decide to ask ‘em. Other than them, ain’t no one’s business but ours.”

Now Jack was staring at Ennis hard. “Ennis, how ya’ gonna be, first time some yokel says ‘fag’ ta’ ya?” Ennis stopped a powerful urge urge to squirm and look away. “For all I know, probly’ be my daddy says it. Won’t even have to say it, just think it. Has his ways. Hell, I don’t think I’m ready to tell my folks’ about us. Might keep it to we is friends, that’s true enough. Less strings for both o’ us. Even if you really go there, what if you change yer mind?”

Not liking the sound of “less strings,” Ennis still shrugged. “You don’t think it’s a good idea, fine by me, yer probly’ right. Could say I fell on hard times, true enough, then for some reason you ain’t gonna stay in yer momma’s house when you come visit, yer gonna stay with yer fishin’ buddy. “ Ennis felt a smile quirk up his lips, then remembered himself, added, “If you wanna stay with me, when you come visit, that is.”

Jack raised up on an elbow to stare down into Ennis’ eyes. His voice came out low and fierce. “If I say yes, Ennis, and ya’ do this, and yer still there when I come visit my folks, there ain’t no doubt where I’m goin’ to be stayin’ and it ain’t in the fuckin’ bedroom I growed up in. I don’t care if yer livin’ in a cat piss pup tent. I’ll think o’ somethin’ to tell my folks. Hell, they can guess all they want, ain’t the same as tellin’. Maybe just won’t say nothing’. Stops the lyin’, but it don’t rub their face in it.”

Ennis felt one more thing needed to be said. He looked at the ceiling now. “Jack, ya’ agree to this, if ya’ ever want me gone, well, you just gotta say the word. I won’t put up no fuss.”

Jack reached out a hand, pushed curls away from the side of Ennis’ face. “Ennis, you really up for this? I mean, s’one thing to wanna see me more, maybe we could work that out, but maybe tellin’ people, or even just havin’ ‘em wonderin’? Movin’ from Riverton? Dealin’ with my parents for God’s sake?” Just don’t seem possible you changed so much, so fast.”

“Ain’t claimin’ I can do it fer sure, Jack. Just claimin’ I’m gonna try.”

Jack smiled, tight little smile. “I’ll take Ennis del Mar’s “try” over mos’ people’s “definite” any day.”

Ennis felt tears prick at his eyes, unexpected, Jack the only fool in the world havin’ confidence in Ennis del Mar. Jack smiled, brushed his thumb next to Ennis eye, said “you’re that stubborn, Ennis, you set yer mind to something.”

Ennis cleared his throat. “So I bin told.”

Jack leaned down and kissed Ennis, kissed him no sex possible yet, not even on the horizon, kissed him and Ennis kissed back, hand slowly snaking behind Jack’s neck, rare thing a kiss goin’ nowhere, kiss just for kissing, kiss like home.

Jack pulled back after awhile, said, “I meant it ‘bout I ain’t no saint neither. Bin getting’ used to the fancy life.” Jack looked away, no doubt staring at visions of his house and cars and fancy friends. He looked back at Ennis. “I wanna say I can leave all that shit. Don’t make me happy anyway. But don’t wanna promise somethin’ I ain’t sure of. Not to you. ”

Ennis nodded. “Don’t want no promises from you, Jack. Swearin’ somethin’ never made it true.”

Jack smiled then, one of his light up the room smiles, said “Tell you what, then. Yes. Probably oughta just shoot myself right now, git it over with, but yes, Ennis del fuckin’ Mar you can move to my friggin’ folks’ house out in the middle o’ nowhere, U.S.A. and wait fer me to come and visit you every once in awhile.”

Ennis, joy so strong it mixed with the sorrow of almost twenty years and squeezed his heart fierce, couldn’t speak for awhile. Jack lay his head down on Ennis’ chest and just held him, and Ennis let him. After a bit, Ennis cleared his throat. “You sure you don’t want me to move down to Texas?“

“Nah. Wouldn’t be right, you with the girls and all.”

“They’re getting’ older though. And you’ve got Bobby to think on.”

“Yeah. I kinda like havin’ you same place as Brokeback, truth be known. Maybe real mountains in my future sometime ‘stead of these pissant Texas hills.”

Ennis tightened his arms again. After some time, he managed, “Yer probably right about not tellin’ yer folks the whole story.”

Jack squeezed Ennis a bit more. “Hmm.”

Ennis went on. “Even if you ever come up there permanent, might not work anyway, we might not be able to stand to live in the same place. Not like we had much practice. Odds are I’d drive you crazy.”

Jack raised up on an elbow again, looked down into Ennis’ eyes. “True, you give me cake like that.”

Ennis surged up, grabbed Jack and rolled him under him, Jack whooping like he used to when he was nineteen. Ennis pinned Jack to the bed, growled “thought you liked my cake.”

Jack, laughing so hard now it shook the bed, said, “maybe my momma’ll give you a lesson,” then convulsed when Ennis growled “gonna get you, Jack,” grabbed for his stomach and under his arms and started tickling him, no mercy for some time, Jack finally gasping out, “Uncle, I give, I give.”

Ennis, unable to resist, asking “What’ll you give, Jack?”

Jack could only reply, “Anythin’,” then suddenly serious, low and hot, “anythin’ you want, Ennis.”

“Mmmm. Gonna remember that, Jack.”

“Good.”

They snuggled then, no other word for it, till sleep took them for the second time that night.

* * *

Ennis woke, bright light of day, sun streaming in through the cracks in the blinds. Jack was stirring next to him, cracked an eye. “Shit.”

Ennis groaned. “Thought you said we’re leavin’ first light.”

Jack smiled. “Changed my mind.”

Ennis smiled back.

Jack reached a hand to stroke Ennis’ bicep, down his arm. The hairs on Ennis’ arm stood up. Ennis remembered something, frowned.

“Jack.”

“Mmm.”

“Jack, I was just wondrin’.”

There must have been something in Ennis’ voice because Jack sighed. “Wonderin’ what, Ennis?”

“Well, I cain’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but I’m startin’ to feel a little bad fer the fella owns this cabin?”

Jack’s hand froze on Ennis’ arm.

“I mean, ain’t my business really, but -“

“That’s right, it ain’t.”

“Fine then. But us bein’ here, his place, like this, it - ”

Jack pulled his hand off Ennis. “Fuck. Can see I’m not getting any, no time this millennium. Ennis, yer ‘nuff to drive a man crazy with them morals o’ yers an’ all.”

“Never mind.”

“Ain’t like there’re no manual tells you what to do, your - fishin’ buddy - shows up, only place can think to go yer – “ Jack stopped himself, threw his head back down on the pillow. “Fuck.”

Ennis took a breath. “It’s just – this is his place, his – bed -, his damn ketchup --.”

Jack sat up, banged his head back on the headboard. “I get the point, Ennis. Fuck. He ain’t ‘zactly thrilled ‘bout it, neither, you know.”

Ennis shot a look under his lashes, asked real gentle. “What’d you tell him ‘bout all this?”

Jack swung his legs off the bed, sat up tall and fast, looked a hard look back at Ennis. “What do you think I told him, Ennis? Lies, o’course. More fuckin’ lies. I’m gettin’ up.” Jack stalked out of the bedroom. Ennis lay there for awhile, Jack banging pots around in the kitchen.

After awhile the banging stopped, Jack appearing in the bedroom, pants on, steaming coffee mug for Ennis offered silently.

Ennis sat up, took the coffee, sipped. Jack sat on the edge of the bed near Ennis, Ennis making space. Jack sighed, pressed his hand to his eyes, then looked at Ennis. “You’re right o’course. Just add it to that tally card o’ folks I done wrong to.” Jack shook his head. “Swore we’d only be here a day, he’d never know.”

Ennis stayed quiet, not hard since he was fighting the red rage that wanted to rise, thinking on Jack protectin’ the feelings of some other guy, thinking on Jack doing any of them things with another guy, any of them things at all, and rage at himself for bringing it up at all, let alone defending the fella’s property as it were.

Jack sighed again. “I need to head back, deal with it all, just didn’t expect --. We better head back tonight, tomorrow first light, latest.”

Ennis gathered himself, pushed the rage somewhere it might stay hidden, said, “sure ‘nuff.” Ennis took a breath, forced his hand out to touch lightly at Jack’s temple, a gesture Jack’d done to Ennis a few times, never him to Jack. Jack swallowed, leaned his temple into Ennis’ hand careful-like, closed his eyes. When he opened them again and looked at Ennis, his eyes had something in them took Ennis’ breath away was so pure, putting Ennis in mind of looks he’d surprised on Jack’s face a few times on Brokeback their first summer.

“We’re one fucked up pair o’deuces, ain’t we, Ennis del Mar?”

Ennis smiled a little smile, said “Ain’t that the truth.”

Then Jack, same quicksilver Jack from all them years ago, smiled, pulled at Ennis, said, “get up, lazy ass, got somethin’ I wanna show you, we can make some plans, pack up, head back first light tomorrow.”

Next thing Ennis knew, after quick showers and Jack doing stuff in the kitchen, they were walking on some path through the scrubby forest, Jack with a knapsack. Jack was bouncy, talkin’ up a storm, tellin’ him all about his folks’ place, huge acreage, fallin’ all to shit, just needed attention, little bit of money, his daddy too tight to spend where it needed it most, too old and getting’ ripped off by hired hands.

After some time, while they took a water break, Ennis asked, “Uh, bud, where we goin’?”

“Just a place I want you to see. Not far now.” Jack got quiet as they continued up a steeper slope, came over the top. Down below, nestled between two pine-covered hills, water, water in a little lake, little stream running into it from up above. Jack was silent as they slid down the slope, dust rising up behind their heels.

When they reached the bottom of the hill, Ennis saw that the little lake had created an oasis in the scrub pines and dust. A mat of green grass poked up in patches. A riot of wildflowers sprang up through the grass, painting the lakeshore with oranges, pinks, yellows, and deeper hues. Steam rose in the stream where it joined the lake, some type of hot spring feeding into rocky pools.

Ennis took it all in, eyes wide. He felt – he didn’t know what he felt – Jack showin’ him this. “S’beautiful, Jack.”

Jack didn’t respond. Ennis shot him a glance. Jack’s face was closed, stormy. Ennis approached, reached out and touched Jack’s arm, just a little. Jack wrenched it back, looked at Ennis, said “bad idea. Time ta’ go back,” turned his back to the lake and started back up the slope.

“Jack. Jack!” Ennis shook his head, muttered “asshole” under his breath.

Apparently not enough under his breath, since next he knew, Jack was taking the few steps back down the slope, was standing right in front of Ennis. “You’re calling me an asshole?”

“I ‘parently did. What’s got into you, Jack?”

Jack took another step towards Ennis, hands on hips. “What’s got into me? I’ll tell you what’s got into me. I mean, fuck, Ennis, you bin shovin’ me away my whole life. All this time, all that time gone by, then ya’ waltz back in and - .” Jack blew out air, waved a hand in the air. “Forget it.”

Ennis took a step toward Jack now. He could see Jack needed this. “Jack, this place” – Ennis gestured to the little meadow – “it’s beautiful.”

Jack looked at the ground. “Yeah, well, reminded me of – of Brokeback, that’s all.”

Ennis spoke careful. “It’s natural fer you to be a little angry at me.”

Ennis felt Jack snap, a satisfyin’ feeling in its own way. Jack came all the way up to Ennis now, pushed his shoulder, hissed, “a little angry. A little angry. You fucker!” Jack shoved Ennis again, harder. “All I ever wanted – everywhere I went, thought of you, couldn’t get you out of my fuckin’ head! These fuckin’ flowers, this lake – all of it! You made fun of me every time, Ennis, made fun o’me even thinkin’ of bein’ together, and now ya’ waltz in, you’re ready to do it and worse, just like that I say yes, it’s pathetic.” Jack stepped back, shook his head. “I’m goin’ back.”

Ennis said, “No, ya’ ain’t.”

Jack hissed, an actual hiss, whirled, said “You ain’t never tellin’ me what to do again, Ennis,” and turned away.

Ennis grabbed Jack’s sleeve, wrenched him back, and Jack took a swing, wide, missed by a mile, Ennis expecting it. Jack tried again, a vicious uppercut. Ennis dodged back. Jack grabbed Ennis by the shoulders, shoving him back, Ennis’ heel hit a rock and he fell, hard, onto his back, but he’d managed to pull Jack with him. Then they were tumbling on the grass, Jack trying to get enough purchase to really haul off and hit him, Ennis keeping him close enough Jack’s punches didn’t do much damage.

Ennis, patience finally snapping when Jack’s fist connected with a rib, scrambled to try to get away, found himself flipped onto his stomach by Jack, wrestler’s hold, Jack’s body covering his from behind and pressing him down into the springy grass. Ennis was struggling to breathe, Jack so heavy on him, Jack was panting in his ear, vicious, “I hate you. I fuckin’ hate you, Ennis.”

Ennis stilled, said, careful as he could, “Imagine you do. Good reason. S’alright.” Then Ennis, not believing he was doing it even as his hips lifted, raised his ass up, unmistakable, into Jack’s crotch.

Jack froze for a few seconds, time measured in Ennis’ heartbeats, then made a low sound in his throat and scrabbled for Ennis’ jeans, the fastening on his own, then something from the rucksack. Time blurred for Ennis, blue lupine dancing in front of his eyes, Jack panting behind him, till he felt Jack’s fingers, slick, back behind, and everything snapped into focus again.

Jack’s fingers, not gentle this time, prodded, stretched, then pushed in, felt like about five of them, probably only two.

Wanting Jack’s anger, Ennis pushed back hard, panted out, “yer’ cock.” Jack withdrew the fingers too fast, gritted out, “fine,” and Ennis felt Jack slick himself, position himself back there, and then push, all in one long push. Ennis breathed fast, could feel Jack shaking, shaking hard waiting there.

Ennis wanting Jack’s pain, pushed, just a little, all he could bear, back on Jack. Jack gasped, grabbed Ennis’ hips, pulled him back even harder, flush against his body. Ennis reveled in the strength of him, the muscle running down Jack’s arms, the power in his legs, even the bit of pain he felt. Ennis tried to move forward, but was pinned, good and hard.

A sound he’d never heard from his own lips before left his mouth, a sound like a whine, like a man drowning. Ennis felt Jack throb inside him, felt his own insides relax, just a little, form around Jack.

Then Jack was pulling back, pushing in hard, pulling out a little too fast for Ennis to adjust, then pushing in again, over and over.

Ennis was lost now, feel of Jack in him like this, Ennis not catching a rhythm, having to go with Jack’s pace, scrabbling to keep in position on the wet ground, wanting to touch his cock but afraid he’d collapse, not wantin’ to do nothin’ to stop Jack.

Jack was whispering under his breath now “hate you fucker, hate you,” and Ennis was going to say something but then Jack stopped, moved Ennis’ hips, came in at a new angle and Ennis couldn’t think no more, everything in him centered on wanting more, more of the vicious pleasure shooting through him each time Jack pushed in.

Ennis vaguely heard his own voice moaning, saying “more,” over and over, and Jack was coming unglued, passionate Jack, sweet Jack, batted Ennis’ hand away when it tried to touch his poor cock, grated out, sexiest voice ever in Ennis’ ear, “gonna make you come without nothin’ touching yer cock, Ennis.” Ennis felt a jolt run through his whole body from Jack’s words. Jack felt it too, ‘cause he made his voice even lower, growled “Yer gonna come with jus’ my cock, Ennis, swear it. Jesus.”

Jack’s sweat was dripping on Ennis now, Jack’s power like lightning in Ennis’ veins, Ennis’ mouth was chanting something that sounded like “fuck me, Jack,” and then everything tightened, everything stopped, and he was coming, a wave that slammed through him hard and vicious. He actually screamed, shooting all over the grass, over Jack’s hands, now on Ennis’ hands in the grass. Then Jack was pumping one last time, impossibly deep inside him, shot his load writhing into him, pressing Ennis’ hands down into the meadow, groaning louder and longer than Ennis ever heard.

They collapsed together, panting, Jack still in him, smell of sweet grass and Jack surrounding Ennis. Ennis felt his body sink into the ground, Jack sink into him, managed to turn his hands, interlace his fingers with Jack’s, his own spunk coating them both, feeling a jolt to his heart when Jack squeezed his fingers back.

Took a long time, but Jack finally softened, pulled out slow and easy, slid slow off Ennis just a little, leg still over him, hands still interlaced.

Sounds from the world around them filtered back slowly. Ennis heard the wind in the pines, the babble of the little stream, even a hawk high overhead. He felt the sun beating down on them, now at its spring height mid-day. He felt the flower smashed under his cheek, the loam under his fingers.

Jack’s lips moved, soundlessly, on Ennis’ ear, then he mouthed, “Y’allright?”

Ennis nodded his head a fraction of an inch, held Jack’s fingers tighter. “Yeah.” After awhile more, Ennis said, “Jack?”

“Mmm.”

“I thought ‘bout Brokeback too. All the time. Know I never said, but I thought ‘bout this – this thing - all the time too. Never got you out o’ my head. My not sayin’ it didn’t mean I didn’t want it.”

Jack was silent. Ennis went on. “You got a right to be angry. Long as ya’ need. Twenty years maybe. But I don’t want you to think I didn’t want it. Want you. Fought it so hard ‘cause I wanted it so bad.”

As the words left his mouth, Ennis realized how true they were, resonating deep in his gut. Jack could feel it too, Ennis thought, ‘cause he buried his nose deeper in Ennis’ hair and kissed his neck real tender. Said, after some time, “I don’ wanna hurt you back Ennis, that’s not what I really want.”

Ennis turned over, took Jack in his arms, head on his chest, whispered into his hair, “I know that. You’re a good man, Jack. But all them parts of you – I want ‘em all. Even parts that wanna hurt me. Only fair.”

Jack pushed up on an elbow, looked down, full into Ennis face. Jack’s eyes were shiny wet. He looked away, looked back, bit of a shamed look. “I hurt you?”

Ennis smiled a little smile, then felt it twist into a smirk. Looked right into Jack’s eyes, said for all the meadow to hear, letting the heat show in his voice, “You can hurt me like that any time, Jack, any time at all.”

Despite himself, he could tell, Jack’s lips quirked into an answering smile. Suddenly shy again, Ennis looked away.

Jack chuckled, a joyful sound to Ennis’ ears. “Ennis, you’re blushin’!”

“I ain’t.”

“You are.” Ennis was silent, and Jack laughed again, a real laugh this time. “Have it your way. Wanna hose off?”

“Sure.”

Jack sat up, pulled Ennis up by the hands, started stripping off his clothes. “Last one in has to wash the clothes!” Leaving clothes in his wake, Jack ran down the hill, Ennis close on his heels, to the steam pools, whooping and hollerin’ like they was nineteen again and this really was a Brokeback meadow.

“So Ennis, I’m goin’ to give you some money.”

“Whut?”

“Have you even bin listenin’ to one thing I said?”

“Uh.” Ennis roused himself a little. He was lying on his back with his head on Jack’s thigh, hat protecting his face from the sun, now starting its mid-afternoon descent to the horizon, but still strong. Jack had his back against some scraggly pine, sitting up.

Jack shook his leg, and Ennis sat up, groggy. The remains of lunch lay scattered around. Some industrious ants were already busy. He and Jack had soaked in the hot pools near the side of the stream, ducking into the brisk chill water when they got too hot, then back in. Eventually they had gotten out, gathered up their clothes, thrown them on and eaten, both of them ravenous. Seemed only natural to stretch out in the sun, rest a bit.

Ennis remembered they’d started talking about Jack’s folks’ place, figured he must have dozed off a bit.

“I was sayin’ that I’d call my folks on the way out a here tomorrow, talk to them ‘bout you comin’.”

“Sounds right.”

“So when you plannin’ ta’ go up there? Ya’ gonna keep your place near Riverton? How you gonna see the girls?”

Ennis grabbed an apple off the ground near him, dusted off a few ants, started eating. “I don’ know all of it, Jack, I gotta think some.”

“Yeah, well, you better get started on that project, ‘cause last I knew, we gotta go back tomorrow.” Jack shot a glance to Ennis. “And I was sayin’ that I’m gonna give you some money so you can git up there, start fixin’ the place up.”

Ennis shook his head. “Now Jack, I ain’t takin’ yer money.”

“Ennis.”

“No, Jack, ain’t takin’ yer money. I’m gonna be fine. Won’t need nothin’, livin’ on yer folks’ land. ‘Sides, got a little saved up.”

“What, coupla’ dollars in a coffee tin?”

Ennis looked away.

Jack sighed, scooted over closer to Ennis, spoke quiet. “Sorry. Know you gotta pay for the girls an’ all.”

Still looking away, Ennis said, “I don’ work fer my wife’s daddy. Cain’t up and leave any time I wanna. Cain’t take no ‘lectric company type jobs like Alma was always buggin’ me ta’ do. Gotta take jobs I can quit.“ Ennis looked at Jack. “’Cause o’ you.”

Jack stared at Ennis, swallowed. Asked low, “You really do that ‘cause o’ me?”

Ennis snorted. “What d’ya think, asshole? Jeez, I don’ never get no credit, things I do.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Maybe that’s ‘cause you never say nothin’, so no one never knows what you’re doin’ or not doin’ or why.”

“I told you, sure ‘nuf.”

“Guess ya’ did. Maybe I didn’t really hear it.”

Ennis rolled his shoulders, pulled his hat a little lower. “Well, now you did.”

Jack scooted closer, put his hand on Ennis’ hand, said low. “Now I did.”

When Ennis looked up and met Jack’s eyes, the spark flew between them again, hit Ennis hard down low, though it’d only been a few hours. Hit him in his throat too, seeing Jack’s eyes looking like that again, like Ennis had given him a present or something. The urge to kiss Jack came on powerful strong, and apparently Jack felt the same, because they met in the air between their bodies, lips soft, mouths opening almost at once, Jack’s hand curling around Ennis’ neck to draw him in.

Ennis thought maybe this was better than anything, Jack looking at him like that, their tongues twining, hands in each other’s hair, mountain sun beating down on them. For awhile, the kiss glided on smooth and warm. Then the warmth spread to Ennis’ toes and other places. Ennis wanted to feel Jack’s skin, wanted Jack’s hands on him, and the kiss deepened, got more ragged.

They pushed away from each other at the same moment, looked into each others’ faces, panting. Ennis said, “we shouldn’t, no time, gotta pack up, figure things out.” Jack nodded, caught his breath, gave Ennis a fierce look under his lashes that did something funny to Ennis’ stomach, said, “tonight.” Ennis nodded, stood up a little shaky and started collecting the remains of their lunch, mumbled, “better git goin’, I ain’t responsible fer the consequences if we stay,” and shot Jack an answering look. Jack chuckled, a bit breathless still.

Ennis packed up while Jack fetched something from down by the stream. “Took ya’ long enough,” Ennis said, when Jack finally returned, grocery bag in hand. Jack just nodded.

Hiking back to the cabin, dust kicking up behind them as they walked through the scrub pine side by side, Jack said, “I ain’t forgotten about the money, Ennis.” When Ennis opened his mouth, Jack said, “No, now Ennis, jus’ listen to me a second. First of all, thing is, my folks’ place, it’s gonna need lots o’ work if we want it to work out like yer thinkin’. Bin neglected so long, my daddy so stingy, gonna take awhile ta’ turn any real profit. No sense doin’ it if we ain’t gonna do it right.“ Ennis loved the sound of that “we,” but opened his mouth to speak anyway.

Jack held up his hand, went on. “Second. Second, gonna be my place one day no matter what, so if I spend money on it now, gonna be worth more ta’ me later.” The path narrowed and Jack fell back behind Ennis. Jack talked to Ennis’ back. “Third. Third, Ennis del fuckin’ Mar, you’re a stubborn son of a bitch I know, lots of pride, respect ya’ for it, but goddamnit, I got it, you don’t right now. I bin settin’ somethin’ aside fer twenty years hopin’ –“ Jack broke off abruptly at the same moment Ennis stopped dead on the path, Jack stumbling to avoid crashing into him. “What’re you doin’, Ennis!”

Ennis turned to face Jack. “You bin’ savin’ yer money since you met me?”

Jack put his hands on his hips. “Yeah, that’s what I said. What do you think I bin tellin’ you all these years, Ennis? You think I didn’t mean it?”

Ennis looked at his feet. “Nah, knew you meant it.” He looked up at Jack. “Just didn’t think –“

Jack stepped closer. “Yeah, you didn’t think. That’s kind of the story of our life, isn’t it, Ennis?”

Ennis swallowed the anger that wanted to come out, looked at his feet, said, “’bout right, I guess.”

Jack nodded, looked at the ground, looked back up into Ennis’ eyes. “Yeah, well, I ain’t always been ‘zactly Albert Einstein myself I reckon. Ennis, it’s just – this money, I cain’t even look at that bank statement no more, makes me so-.“ Jack looked away, cleared his throat. “I was thinkin’ on givin’ it to some poor kids or somethin’, figured wasn’t never gonna use it. We’ve got more’n enough for Bobby for college, if he wants it, more’n enough fer Lureen to live on.”

Ennis felt that goddamned stinging at his eyes again, throat closing up, goddamnit he was not going to turn into some woman always cryin’ all the time, is that what queer makes you? Takin’ another man’s money, too.

Jack reached out, wrapped his arms around Ennis, pulled him in for a hug, right there on the trail, then pulled out, talked right into his face, “You got no choice, Ennis. My parents, my land someday. You don’t take my money tomorrow, I’ll send it ta’ my daddy. You’ll regret it though, and so will I - he’s stupid, not like you, cain’t run nothin’ worth beans. Ennis, you’re the best worker I’ve ever known, shit don’ I know it, always sayin’ ya’ had to get back to them fuckin woolies, never shirkin’ yer jobs all these years, never stayin’ with me even an extra day. You’re smart about livestock and ranches and all that shit. You ain’t gonna let anyone rip you off. I want you to run that ranch, not my daddy no more.”

Jack reached out, pulled Ennis’ chin up with his hand. Jack had one of his fuckin’ smiles on his face. “Ennis, you’re gonna be the boss. Won’t say it this way to my daddy, but I’m gonna hire you ta’ run that place proper. And you gotta have money to do it. Any owner would give you capital, money to spend on stuff to make it work. Salary too.”

Ennis studied his shoe, noticed a small yellow flower stuck on its side. He raised his head, looked at Jack. Couldn’t say the words, but brought himself to a nod, knowin’ Jack was right. Said, “no salary though, jus’ enough to live on.” Jack frowned, but said “then we’ll give ya’ shares.” Ennis shook his head, but raised his hands in surrender. Jack’s smile turned relieved, and he shook Ennis’ shoulders then, said, “let’s get goin’, then.”

The descent down to the cabin put Ennis in mind of other descents, probably Jack too, ‘cause no more conversation was had the whole way back. Ennis thought on tomorrow more with each step, tomorrow when they left each other, like all those other times. And this particular time being so short, he hadn’t even begun to have his fill of Jack. Not that he ever did.

Ennis pictured driving back to Childress tomorrow, sinking stomach feeling. Driving back to Wyoming, even worse. Not bein’ with him, thinkin’ on what he was doin’, who he was doin’ it with. And havin’ ta’ worry same as always guys were goin’ ta’ hurt his Jack. Jack so stupid probably fuckin’ guys out in the open, who knew what he’d been doin’. Was goin’ ta’ do. And Ennis was goin’ back, to night after night alone, day after day without his smile, his jokes, his strong muscles and deep blue eyes. And why the fuck was he thinkin’ on Jack’s eyes, anyway. Shit. Should be used to it by now, but it just weren’t right.

When they got to the clearing where the cabin sat, the sun was already sinking below the tops of the trees. The cabin, and what that cabin meant, stopped Ennis in his tracks. When he was almost at the deck, Jack must have realized Ennis had stopped, ‘cause he turned around and saw Ennis, staring hard at the cabin, Jack’s boyfriend’s cabin, apparently, couldn’t believe his fishin’ buddy had a boyfriend. Couldn’t believe he himself had a fishin’ buddy. Anger surged in Ennis again, along with the disappointment of twenty years of goodbyes.

He turned to look at Jack, saw Jack was starin’ hard at the cabin too, different reason, face with that beaten down angry look he got ever since Ennis’ divorce, whenever their time together was almost over. Could tell Jack was thinkin’ on all the times Ennis had left him, time after time. Ennis forced his words to stay down, nasty ones wanting to come out, forced himself to say between his teeth, “gonna get some wood or somethin’.” Jack nodded, short, said “I’ll get dinner,” went into the cabin.

Ennis, needing something physical to do, grabbed the axe, started chopping wood, only thing he could think of. Could leave a nice pile for the asshole rich cabin owner who loved his Jack. Sure as shit he was gettin’ “fond.” Who wouldn’t, Jack a beauty and that wasn’t funny, eyes flashin’ his feelings all the time, legs long and strong as anything, ass that --. Ennis threw the axe down on the ground, panting. Fuck. Saw the ground, same ground he and Jack had been on just the day before yesterday, Ennis letting his anger boil over, saying something almost unforgiveable. Almost.

Jack had forgave and forgave, and there wasn’t much left in him for that, Ennis could tell. Ennis wanted Jack, he might be able to have him, for good and forever, all to himself. But not now. Now, he had to wait, had to swallow it all. Plenty o’ time for all the bad stuff tomorrow, this time tomorrow he’d be alone again, alone like always, headin’ back to his shitty little life. If he let out the anger tonight, it was over. If he kept it locked up, or made it go away, maybe somehow this whole fucked up thing might actually work. Doubtful, but it could. Ennis sat down on a log, put his face in his hands, tried to gather strength, fightin’ his own nature the hardest thing he’d ever done, and that was sayin’ somethin’.

Heard the deck door open after a bit, heard Jack approach. Looked up, saw Jack with a mug in his hand, holding it out to Ennis. Jack met his eyes, ‘parently having been doing his own fightin’ down of anger, said, “whisky?“ Ennis grunted, nodded, took the cup, cocked his head to the space on the log next to him with a question on his face. Jack nodded, sat on the log with his own cup.

Ennis looked at him, raised the coffee mug, said, “toast. Fucked up pair o’ deuces.” Jack smiled a rueful smile, clinked his mug to Ennis’, took a swallow.

After drinking for awhile, taking in the fading light in the pines, familiar night starting to descend, Jack said, “Wouldn’t trade it, though.”

“Trade it?” Ennis looked at Jack, not understanding.

Jack looked at the pines. “Trade knowin’ you. ‘Spite everythin’.”

Ennis’ throat clogged again. “Me neither.”

Jack turned to look at Ennis. Ennis met Jack’s eyes. Ennis said it again, stronger. “Me neither.” Jack’s eyes had that Brokeback look again, and Ennis felt his own face settle into unfamiliar territory, a smile, but a smile that put him in mind of when the girls were little, and he looked down at them sleepin’. Jack nodded a little nod, and they turned back to their whisky, sat drinking in companionable silence.

Some time later, the sun sank completely below the invisible horizon. Something started chirping in the trees around them and a woodpecker tatted nearby, fortunately too early for many mosquitos. After a while the first star appeared, and Ennis remembered something his momma had taught him, him not remembering much from his momma, so long gone. He broke the silence softly. “How’s it go, Jack, my momma used ta’ say it, said it to my girls, star light, star bright?”

Jack turned to him, funny expression on his face. “Why you think I know that?”

Ennis shrugged. “Seems like the kinda thing you’d know.”

Jack said soft, “first star I see tonight.”

Ennis nodded.

Jack said. “It’s for wishin’ on.”

“I know that.”

Jack looked at the star. “When Bobby was little he used ta’ say it. Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.”

“That’s it.”

“Why ya’ askin’?” Jack looked at Ennis.

Ennis looked up at the star again, now joined by more companions with every passing minute. “Ya’ know them stars are millions of miles away, that light left ‘em ‘afore humans was walkin’ on the earth.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Jus’ thinkin’ on it makes me feel small. But big too.” Ennis shook his head. “I ain’t makin’ sense.”

“Doin’ fine by me, Ennis. Like to hear yer thoughts.”

Ennis smiled at Jack. “Ya’ always have.”

“Another thing ya’ like ‘bout me.”

“Yup.” Ennis took a breath. “So I wanted ta’ make a wish. Know it’s nonsense, a small thing compared ta’ all that.” Ennis waved his hand at the stars. He turned and looked at Jack, now a lighter smudge in the darkening night. “But I wanna think I can wish something true.”

Jack scooted over next to Ennis on the log, his whole side up against him, said soft, “I think ya’ can, Ennis.”

Ennis turned and raised a hand to Jack’s hair, indistinguishable against the dark, brushed a strand off his face. “Ya’ always bin a dreamer, Jack. Glad ya’ still are.”

Jack said “You ain’t always bin glad,” but he said it gentle.

“Changed my mind. World needs a dreamer.” Ennis moved his face closer to Jack, hovered over his lips, brushed a featherlight kiss. “So do I, ‘parently.”

Jack reached a hand to Ennis’ hair, tangled his fingers in his curls, pulled Ennis back to him, brushed his own feather kiss on Ennis’ lips, drew back a little without letting go of Ennis’ hair. Jack set his empty mug down, raised his other hand to Ennis’ cheek, and leaned in, a real kiss now, just lips, but hand on his cheek, another hand pulling lightly in his hair, lips pressed soft and firm.

Ennis opened his mouth, tasted whisky and starlight and Jack, then in a rush Jack’s tongue was in his mouth, soft now, but warm and confident. Ennis dropped his own mug, raised his hands to Jack, one curling behind his neck, the other stroking Jack’s cheek with his thumb. The kiss seemed to last forever, sounds of the night fading to shadows in the background, feel of Jack, whole and alive, everything in the world.

Ennis’ hand, of its own accord, pulled harder on Jack’s neck, the other hand sliding down Jack’s arm to feel the hard muscle corded there. Jack sighed, leaned into his hand, and Ennis moved it up to Jack’s shoulder, then down his strong back, down to the waist of his pants, where he tugged at Jack’s shirt, wanting to feel Jack’s warm skin, proof of him alive and breathing and whole.

Jack’s hand in Ennis’ curls pulled harder, and now Jack was taking charge of the kiss, tongue no longer soft, but hard and demanding. Ennis’ head swam with the delight of it, and his hand pushed up under Jack’s shirt to skim over Jack’s skin, warmer than the sun today by the lake.

Ennis felt Jack start to tremble under his fingers, and he took over the kiss, spreading his fingers out to cradle Jack’s scalp, pressing him in even tighter, pressing his own tongue, hard, into Jack’s mouth. Jack moaned, and then Jack’s hands had freed Ennis’ shirt, were running up and down his back.

Jack was trying to push his whole body into Ennis now, hands roaming all over him, legs trying to tangle with his. Ennis could feel Jack shaking all over, the way he got sometimes when the need got strong.

The current that always lay between them surged, strong and rushing, through Ennis. Wouldn’t take much and they’d be rolling in the dirt, him takin’ Jack just like that, both of them lovin’ it, nothin’ wrong with that, but --- “Jack.”

“Mmm.” Jack was trying to reach for his mouth with his own. Ennis had hold of Jack’s shoulders, keeping him away.

“Jack, wait.”

“Wait?” Jack was staring at Ennis’ mouth now.

Powerful urge hit Ennis to throw Jack down on the ground, Jack so lost already couldn’t even make sense. Wondered what Jack might do, what he could get him to do, what Jack wanted to do, when he got all trembly like this. Ennis knew a lot of things already, might learn more. Ennis took a breath. “Jack, let’s go inside.”

Jack looked around, then back at Ennis’ mouth. “Allright. Inside.”

Ennis smiled. “Ya’ wannna eat dinner first?”

Jack wrenched his eyes from Ennis’ mouth, brought them to Ennis’ eyes. “Fuck you.”

Ennis laughed. “Somehow don’ think so, Jack, could be wrong, but guessing not, tonight.” He reached out a hand to help Jack up.

Jack took it, shooting a glance to Ennis as they walked into the cabin. His powers of speech seemed to have temporarily returned. “What’re you talkin’ ‘bout?”

Ennis waited till Jack was over the threshold into the living room of the cabin, then came up behind him, wrapped his arm around his chest from behind, pulled him fast to his own chest. Ennis leaned to Jack’s ear, said low, “Ya’ have that look tonight, Jack, that’s all.” Jack leaned back into Ennis’ body some more, whispered “what look?”

Ennis pulled his arm even tighter across Jack’s chest, put his other hand on the cloth of Jack’s shirt over his stomach, Jack jumping when it touched. Ennis reached out his tongue and licked at Jack’s ear, pulling Jack even tighter against him with his hands. Jack gasped. Ennis didn’t know if he could go through with it, never being one to let himself know he thought such things, let alone speak them, said into Jack’s ear “look you get sometimes.” Jack sighed, letting his head roll back farther onto Ennis shoulder.

Jack pressed his hips back against Ennis’, said low “ain’t no police goin’ ta’ come write you a ticket you whisper something sweet in my ear, Ennis. Something nasty neither. And I ain’t tellin’, not even you tomorrow.” Ennis’ right hand traced a line, lightly, along the top of Jack’s waistband. Jack gasped in a breath, said, “like you quiet too though, Ennis, no need ta’ talk if you don’t want to.”

Ennis licked around Jack’s ear again, let his one hand trace under the waist of Jack’s pants. If he hadn’t been held up by Ennis, Jack would’ve staggered, his legs were shaking so bad. Ennis let his tongue head into Jack’s ear, push hard inside.

“Jesus! Ennis!” Jack was sweating now, or maybe it was him, Ennis could feel it where his chest and Jack’s back touched, through their shirts, sticky wet already.

Ennis said, voice sounding low and scratchy in his own ears, blush warming his cheeks despite himself, “look you get sometimes, you want me to take you hard, fill ya’ up good.” Jack gasped, sagged now, dead weight in Ennis’ arms. Ennis kicked the door to the deck closed with a foot, and pulled Jack further into the room. Carpet in front of the fireplace looked soft, and Jack had apparently lit a fire when he was inside. “Come ‘ere,” Ennis grated, and half pulled, half dragged Jack to the area by the sofas. Not wanting to let go, Ennis collapsed to his knees, pushing Jack down with him, then all the way to the floor, still with his arm around Jack’s shoulders, Jack now underneath him. Ennis’ hips pushed down at the same time Jack’s pushed up, both of them groaning together.

Ennis growled, didn’t want it to be over too fast, rolled to his side, pulled Jack with him, arm still around Jack’s chest. The fire snapped, and sweat broke out all over Ennis’ body, feeling Jack alive and pushing back at him. Ennis’ own heart was racin’ like crazy, dick ‘bout to jump out of his pants, felt like. Jack writhed back against him, grabbed Ennis’ hand from in front of his chest, pulled it to his mouth, started to suck on Ennis fingers. Ennis felt his control slipping, growled out, “stop movin’, Jack, stop it.”

“Whu?” Jack’s voice was slurred, hazy from lust. Ennis had to breathe deep, loving that sound over all others. Ennis sharpened his voice. “I said stop movin’. Ain’t doin’ nothin’ till ya’ stop movin’. Less I tell ya’” Jack froze, a shudder snapping through him from foot to head, Ennis could feel it. Ennis raised up a little, talked into Jack’s ear. “That’s it, that’s good. Now I’m gonna take these clothes off ya’, Jack, and mine too, see ya’ in the firelight.” Jack whimpered, honest to god whimper in his throat. Ennis’ own hands were shaking as he reached around to undo Jack’s jeans, lower the zip. “Raise up a little now, Jack,” Ennis said soft, and pulled Jack’s jeans off.

Ennis had to take another breath to stop himself from just taking Jack like that, wouldn’t be nothin’ wrong with that, but wanted Jack to know, to hear what he did to him, wanted Jack to feel like Ennis had the other day, Jack whisperin’ in his ear so sweet. Only tonight might not be sweet, ‘zactly. Sweet maybe not what Jack needed tonight, him having that look he got sometimes.

Resisting temptation, strong temptation, to touch, Ennis brought his arms round Jack and flicked open the buttons on his shirt, one by one. Jack’s hips surged back against Ennis when Ennis’ hand brushed Jack’s chest undoing a button, and Ennis, hardest thing he ever did, stopped his hand.

Jack whined. “Ennis!”

Ennis, surge of power now taking him even stronger, said, “told ya’ ain’t doin’ nothin’, ya’ don’t stay still.”

Jack gasped out a breath, breaths comin’ hard and fast now, chest heavin’, held his body still, still except for the tremblin’ taking him all over.

Ennis started unbuttoning again, let his tongue circle round Jack’s ear again, dive in. Jack was moaning low now. When Jack’s shirt was all unbuttoned, Ennis had to lie there a minute, tryin’ to find some control, Jack all warm, firelit skin everywhere, willin’ to do anythin’, wantin’ anything Ennis could give, sure ‘nuf.

Ennis leaned up to Jack’s ear again, whispered, “wanna lick ya’ all over, Jack, lick ya’ till you’re moanin’ like ya’ always do, slide inside ya’ then, my hands all over ya’.”

“Fuck! Jesus H.” Jack’s chest was heaving now under Ennis’ arm, his body vibrating. “Please, Ennis, cain’t stand it, gonna shoot.”

“Ya’ think ya’ could, Jack, just from me talkin’?”

Jack knocked his head back against Ennis. “Hell!” Jack was panting so hard each word took a breath. “Could, ya’ talk ta’ me like this. Ennis, want ya’ – arh!”

Ennis had chosen that moment to finally let his hands touch Jack’s skin, one skimming over a nipple, instantly hard, the other over Jack’s thigh, silky warm and strong. Jack bucked, hard, into Ennis’ hands, and Ennis stilled them instantly, hard to do, Jack’s body feeling like putty under them. Jack whined again, and Ennis leaned into his ear to whisper, fierce now, “hold still.” Jack melted, just melted, Ennis could feel it.

Jack whispered “never been so hard in my life ya’ fucker,” and Ennis moved his hands again, slow, Jack now focused on stayin’ still. Jack’s skin felt like silk, silk over steel muscle, prickly hairs on his thighs. When Ennis ran his hand from Jack’s thigh back to his ass, Jack’s body snapped hard, but he was tryin’ to stay still, Ennis could tell, so he let his hand run, soft as anything, over and then down the middle, one finger trailing a little in the crack.

Jack’s breath was heaving now, so hard Ennis spared a thought for hoping he wasn’t out of air. Ennis’ other hand found a nipple again, and this time pinched. Jack yelled, loud, struggling hard to keep his body still. Words started pouring from his mouth now, Ennis running his hands all over Jack, everywhere but where he wanted them. “Ennis, shit, yer hands on me, ya’ whisperin’ ta’ me, ain’t ever known nothin’ like it, shit, ya’ always do this ta’ me, so much power in ya’, but never like this, gonna shoot ya’ not in me, ya’ not touchin’ me, swear it, yer so good, so fuckin’ good, ya’ makin’ me crazy, I’m gonna come, I’m not kiddin’, ya’ keep this up.”

And then he was just babbling, nonsense not meanin’ nothin’, moanin’, skin shiny with sweat in the firelight, and Ennis couldn’t hold back any longer, said into Jack’s ear, “gonna make you come now, Jack, want ya’ to, right here.” Jack moaned, “no, want ya’ in me,” but Ennis said, “do that later. Want you comin’ now. Wanna watch.” A shudder took Jack from head to toe, vibrating into Ennis’ body. Ennis reached his hand and ran it down Jack’s cock, light as anything, barely brushing, said into Jack’s ear, “beautiful,” and Jack spasmed and came, gushing out into Ennis’ hand, onto the furry carpet, came and came, gasping words that weren’t words.

Ennis held Jack as the spasms ran through him, feeling each one in his heart, most beautiful thing ever, this thing between them. When Jack had quieted, Ennis started kissin’ Jack’s neck, a kiss then a lick, pausing to suck at times. Jack moved to turn over, but Ennis pressed him gently back, whispered, “stay. Please Jack. Let me.” Jack reached back, squeezed Ennis’ hand, stayed on his side.

Ennis started kissing Jack again, first the salty places in his neck, then over his shoulders. Slowly, he worked his way down Jack’s back, licking at his spine, salty sweat taste everywhere, overwhelmed with taste of Jack, feel of him under his tongue. Ennis’ arms were around Jack, still holding him in place, as he scooted lower and lower. Jack was starting to gasp again, little throaty ones like he couldn’t quite breathe. When Ennis’ tongue licked the place where Jack’s back ended, he scooted all the way down, started licking up Jack’s legs, and Jack moaned something fierce. Hairs caught in Ennis’ mouth, sweat and dirt mingled on his skin, but it all tasted like Jack.

When Ennis finally arrived back up at Jack’s ass, Jack was moaning again, and Ennis could hear words again, “Jesus Christ, Ennis, ain’t never – you don’t know what that feels like, you, ah!” Ennis had let his tongue lick on one cheek, just a little lick, to see what would happen. Jack was babbling again, “impossible, cain’t get hard twice so fast, feels like- mmm,” Ennis having arrived back at the crack, starting to work his tongue down and in. Jack froze, whispered, “Ya’ ain’t gotta do nothin’ like that, Ennis,” but Ennis could feel Jack was trembling again, and took a lick, then started pushing inside with his tongue. Jack’s taste was comforting, not nasty, just a place to make Jack happy, making Jack happy now Ennis’ focus in life, ‘parently.

And Jack was happy, saying “Yes. Yes. Yes, Ennis, do it, oh my God, oh my fuckin’ God, gonna die right here, never had no one do -” Jack cut off what he was saying, but not before Ennis felt the meaning of it, sharp, like a pang in his heart, painful and sweet at the same time, and Ennis pushed in harder. Jack levitated away from him, and Ennis couldn’t stand it no more, and then Jack was pushing back against him, whimpering, “Ennis, Ennis, fuck me, want ya’ in me, gonna die, swear I’m hard again, please, Ennis, now.”

Ennis surged up, control finally snapping, found the place quick and pushed into Jack, one giant push, hands pulling Jack’s hips back against him, biting Jack’s ear now, saying “Christ. Holy fuck” when he was in all the way, feeling Jack’s tightness, the thing he never let himself think on, thinking on it now, feeling him around him like a fuckin’ glove, made for him, made for each other. Ennis had to breathe hard, panting fast, or he would’ve come right then, and Jack knew enough to hold still, reach back and pass a shaky hand over Ennis’ arm, gentling him.

A little more under control, Ennis started to move, weren’t nothin’ sweeter, Jack pushin’ back every thrust, Jack babbling again, nonsense mainly, but Ennis heard “Ennis,” and was lost, lost in his Jack, so willin’ times like these, so strong other times, the heat between them always there, from the first, just growin’ over the years. Ennis thought he couldn’t take it no more, and then Jack grabbed his hand, put it on his cock, hot and hard, no shit hard as rock again, said, “what you done ta’ me,” and he felt like he was part of Jack, couldn’t tell what was him and what was Jack. Then Jack, after just a coupla’ strokes, was spasming again, shudder first coursing through his whole body, Ennis felt it, and Jack moaned, “Ennis, I lo-“ and it garbled into a yell and he started to come. It hit Ennis with a jolt like prairie thunder, and he fell into ecstasy, coming in wave after wave into Jack, his Jack.

Ennis became aware again slowly, his mouth pressed into Jack’s hair, hands clutching the furry carpet. He wanted to kiss Jack’s neck, so he did, warm and tender. He wanted to press his nose in his hair so he did, smelling pine and sweat and Jack. He wanted to say something ‘bout the ache in his heart, said “Jack.”

Some of what he felt must have been in it, ‘cause Jack moved to turn over, and Ennis brought Jack’s head to his chest, wrapped his arms around him, kept his lips in his hair.

Jack lifted his head up after awhile, brought his lips to Ennis’, kissed him soft, laid his head back down on Ennis’ chest.

Ennis thought on his dream, his nightmare, and thought he could lie like this forever. The world lay outside the cabin, world of problems and heartache, but if only Jack and he could be together, like this, everything would be all right.

After some time more, Jack breathed out a little chuckle, so Ennis said, “Whut?”

“Just thinkin’ on how years ago, ya’ couldn’t even look at me when we did nothin’ and now you’re – “ Jack waved a hand.

Ennis frowned. “Thought we weren’t goin’ to be talkin’ ‘bout none of that.”

Jack nodded and curled back into Ennis’ chest. “Sorry, you’re right.”

There was silence for a minute, then Ennis mumbled, “cain’t believe ya’ shot twice like that though.”

Jack huffed out a breath of air, said in his teasin’ voice, “Ennis del Mar, you just got through tellin’ me we ain’t talkin’ ‘bout none of this. Now next minute you’re goin’ on ‘bout this mind blowin’ sex and all. You’re just braggin’ on yerself.” Ennis huffed out a laugh, and Jack lowered his voice, said all sexy, “’course, this was somethin’ ta’ brag about tonight, gotta give you that.” Ennis laughed for real now, warm feeling filling him from having Jack his friend, and Jack joined him.

After a bit, Jack pushed up on his elbows, looked at Ennis. “It bother you, I get like that, Ennis?”

Ennis stared at him. “Bother me?”

Jack crooked a smile, looked down, looked back at Ennis. “Know I get kinda – kinda het up.”

Ennis felt his mouth quirk up. “Yeah, it bothers me.”

Jack’s face started to fall.

Ennis laughed. “Bothers me ya’ so fuckin’-“ Ennis waved a hand, at a loss for words. “fuckin’ whatever, can hardly keep myself from just rollin’ you down in the dirt. Shit, most of the time cain’t keep myself from it, you know that.”

Jack smiled, looked at Ennis again.

Ennis cocked his head. “Why would ya’ think something like that, Jack? I ain’t made it obvious enough fer you I like ya’ like that?”

Jack laughed, shook his head, “yeah.” He hesitated, said, “Well, it’s just that I kinda think sometimes I need it more, when we ain’t together, you maybe don’t –“

Ennis frowned, interrupted Jack. “Why would ya’ think some fool thing like that? You know how much I have to wring it out, thinkin’ on you?”

“But –“

“You know how many times I took Alma the wrong –“ Ennis choked off what he was going to say, goddamned mouth getting ahead of his brain.

Jack gasped real quiet, creased his forehead, reached a hand to Ennis’ face. “Ennis, I’m sorry, didn’t mean nothin’”

“Yeah, well, just ‘cause I’m quiet ‘bout stuff don’t mean I’m not feelin’ it.”

Jack had a thoughtful look. “I know that ‘bout you, Ennis. Always have, like I said. But I can see I don’ know as much as I thought.”

“Well, not all your fault. Know I don’ talk much.”

“Now that, friend, is what they call an understatement.”

“Suppose so. ‘Specially hard for me ta’ talk ‘bout this.” Ennis waved a hand over their bodies.

Jack grinned. “’This.’ Ya’ mean sex, Ennis, that thing we do ‘bout every few hours when we’re together?”

Ennis surged up, pinned Jack under him, working hard to keep a straight face. “Yes, I mean sex, asshole, you got it in one.” Something in Ennis surged up, brave, and he took a breath, said serious, “Always thinkin’ on you. Always. No matter what I’m doin’, no matter who I’m with.”

Jack’s smile had faded, and his eyes looked stunned. Stunned and a little misty. He cleared his throat, put his hands on Ennis’ face, said straight into his eyes, “Me too, Ennis. Every single fuckin’ time. You hear me?”

Ennis heart hurt, good hurt like the beauty of the sunrise over Brokeback, eyes hurt too, stinging. Ennis bit his lip and nodded, letting Jack know he heard him proper, knew Jack was tellin’ the truth, all of it, ‘bout this thing.

Ennis cleared his throat, said, “one thing, though, Jack. You’re wrong ‘about the police.”

“Hmm? What d’ya mean?” Jack swiped his sleeve over his eyes.

“Still a crime, what we doin’, lots of places. Texas fer one.“

“I was speakin’ poetic’ly, Ennis.”

“That’s fer damn sure. Ain’t never heard you so poetic as tonight.”

Jack swatted Ennis, said, “ain’t the words is a crime, it’s the doin’.”

“Think that’ll change some day?”

“Supreme Court o’ the United States gonna look at it soon, sure of it. I read about it.”

“That right?”

Jack said, “that’s right. Constitution don’t give us this, ain’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

“That’s what them judges goin’ ta’ say?”

“You bet.”

“I’m not takin’ that bet. I’m startin’ to like this dreamer stuff myself.”

Jack grunted, said “Ya’ hungry?”

“As a horse.”

Jack took a breath. “Let’s see if I can move this old body up, rescue the dinner.”

Ennis groaned as he tried to sit up. “I hear you, friend. Don’t see nothin’ old ‘bout your body, though.”

Jack shot Ennis a grateful smile, gave him a hand and helped him leverage up off the floor. Jack said, “think we’ll be doin’ this when we’re old men?”

Ennis grabbed Jack’s arms, looked him straight in the eyes, said strong and right out loud, “I know it.”

Jack smiled, a smile that reached his eyes all the way, and pulled Ennis into the kitchen for a late night dinner.

Partway into the kitchen, paddin’ on his bare feet, Ennis realized he didn’t want to eat without cleanin’ himself up first, and turned into the hall. Jack musta thought the same thing at the same time, ‘cause he said, “um, think I’m gonna hit the bathroom, shower first maybe.”

Ennis grunted, said “yeah, me, too. You can go first.”

Jack looked at Ennis funny. “Ennis, just come in with me.”

“Together?”

Jack laughed right in Ennis’ face. “You ain’t never taken a shower with someone?”

Ennis felt the heat rise to his face. “Jack, now don’t make fun of me."

Jack’s grin faded to something else, something soft. He reached a hand, quick, to Ennis’ temple, stroked there.

Ennis felt his anger trying to get purchase. “Don’t want no pity, Jack.”

Jack withdrew his hand, nodded, grabbed Ennis’ hand and pulled him towards the bathroom. “Come on, then.”

Jack had the water heated up and himself in the shower in no time, but Ennis lingered outside.

Jack bellowed, “Ennis, get in here!”

Ennis, dribbling toothpaste, yelled back. “Yeah, well I kinda thought maybe I’d brush my teeth. Seein’ as where my mouth–.” Ennis broke off.

Jack’s laugh rose over the noise of the water.

Ennis finished and yanked the door to the shower open. Steam rose all around Jack, arched backward into the flow of the water. He was still laughing, though, eyes sparkling at Ennis.

“Jesus, Ennis, you’re gettin’ so free, pretty soon you’re going’ ta’ be puttin’ on makeup and checkin’ out pretty boys’ asses.”

Ennis growled, lunged into the shower, grabbed Jack by the ass, lifted him a few inches off the floor, grated into Jack’s ear, “who says I ain’t done one of them things already?” Jack just laughed, Ennis likin’ the happy feeling of hearing Jack laugh so much in one day.

Jack said, “Put me down, and I’ll show you one o’ the advantages o’ this.”

Ennis did, and next he knew, Jack was behind him, rubbing shampoo on his head. Jack’s fingers were strong, digging into his scalp, then gentle. Jack’s hand went to the small of Ennis’ back, and he let himself be tipped back into the stream of water, Jack rinsing all the shampoo out, his fingers catching leftover trails of soap and rubbing them away.

“Mmm. Now I know why Cassie kept tryin’ ta’ get me ta’ do this. Always bitchin’ about wantin’ her hair washed and all.”

Jack finished with his hair, and started lathering up Ennis’ back with a bar of soap and a washcloth. Ennis felt Jack’s strength, a man’s strength, rubbing down his back, going gentle at his ass but not hesitating. “You break her heart, Ennis?”

Ennis grunted, then remembered his resolve to talk, best he could, to Jack ‘bout stuff. Said, “apparently fell in love with me or somethin’.”

Jack said, “cain’t imagine,” and turned Ennis around, repeated the process on his front, slow and gentle all over. Right about when he was getting to an interesting part of Ennis’ body, not that it could get real interestin’ so soon after, Jack started to ask “Why’d you --?” but cut himself off, shook his head.

“Why’d I what?

Jack said, “Ain’t none of my business.”

Ennis thought a minute while the washcloth made lazy circles on his stomach, said “maybe it is, we gonna try this thing.”

The washcloth stopped. Jack was standing very close, and Ennis made himself raise his eyes to Jack’s. “Think I went along with it ‘cause she was so lively, reminded me of you a little actually now I think of it. She wanted it so much, I thought – I don’ know what I thought.” Ennis looked at the tile at the side of the shower. “Guess I thought I should try it with someone else – a woman.” He looked back at Jack. Water drops were hanging in Jack’s hair, on his eyelashes. “Broke it off after last month ‘cause I’d never be able ta’ give her what she wanted, she wasn’t what I wanted. Already made that mistake once. I’d have to be a worse man than I am ta’ do the same damn thing again.” Ennis stared at the tile again a minute. “Almost did though, gotta admit it.”

“Hmm.” Jack resumed the washing, crouching now to scrub at Ennis’ legs. He looked up, the water beating all around his face. It made it hard to hear, but Ennis heard Jack plain when he asked, “Ennis, you never – you really never thought on another man?”

Ennis reached down, pulled Jack up by the arms, hard. “What do you mean by that?”

Jack said, lightly, ”don’t mean nothin’. Just seems you ain’t had too much satisfaction out of women, that’s all.”

Ennis stood in the water a minute to wash off the last soap, choking down words he might regret, images swirling fevered in his brain, opened the door and shut it, none too soft, grabbed a towel, said over the water, “I’ll set the dinner out.”

When Jack came out a bit later, a look on his face Ennis couldn’t figure out, Ennis handed him a plate with his soup and sandwich, no mustard just like he liked it. They’d both tossed on clean clothes. Ennis scuffed his foot on the floor, said, “Jack, I’m tryin’ – I.”

Jack was on him in three steps, plate set down fast, hugging Ennis tight with both arms. He said in his ear, “Ennis, don’t want you tiptoin’ around me. Censorin’ every word. That ain’t what me and you are like. Ain’t walkin’ away if you say something I don’t like one time.” Jack pulled back a little, shook his head. “Though now I think on it, probably should have my head examined fer sayin’ so.”

Ennis wrapped his arms tight round Jack, pulled him closer to him. “Same fer you, bud. Wanna know what you want to know. Jus’ not sure I can always say.”

Jack pulled back, picked up his plate. “Yeah, well, same here. You can ask me stuff, won’t guarantee I’ll answer. Let’s go sit down.”

Jack led the way into the living room. Ennis went to the cabinet, looked a question to Jack, who nodded. He poured them each a glass of whisky, nice stuff, too. They sat on the floor, backs up against the sofa, feet to the fire.

After they’d been eating a bit, Ennis got some words out. “Don’t know the answer, Jack.” Jack shifted, but kept his mouth shut. “Know that sounds crazy, but that’s the best I can do. Always thought I weren’t queer, was just you, fer some reason, did this ta’ me. Still think that. But I’m figurin’ out a lot of the things I thought weren’t exactly true, so I’m waitin’ on the fer sure answer ta’ that one.” Ennis took another swig of whisky. “I’ll say this, Jack, think you know it already. Ain’t never felt nothin’ with no woman like I do with you, I’ve told you that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jack looked at the fire. “So you don’t remember never havin’ no thoughts on other guys when you were growin’ up or nothin’?”

“No. “ Ennis took another swallow. “Don’t think so. I’ll think on it more. I ain’t always remembered stuff right, I seen that now. Workin’ so hard not ta’ think it. Like with us, took me a long time ta’ understand why I was pukin’ my guts out after I said goodbye to you in sixty-three. Maybe just figurin’ it out now. What about you?”

Jack shot a glance at Ennis’ face. “Which part?”

“Well, I know most o’ it. But when did you first – think on a fella that way.”

Jack examined Ennis’ face a minute.

Ennis said, soft, “I always figured ya’ knew something ‘fore our summer together, Jack. I ain’t a total idiot.”

Jack leaned back farther against the sofa, sighed, stared into the fire. “Kept havin’ these thoughts, startin’, I don’ know, maybe when I was eleven, twelve? Scared the shit out o’ me. Everybody said I was supposed ta’ be thinkin’ o’ tits and pussy and stuff. Kept tryin’ not to look, in the locker room, summers at the creek.”

Jack changed position, moved up close to the fire, started messing with a log with the poker. “By high school.” Jack glanced at Ennis again. Ennis nodded. Jack smiled, but it faded fast. “By high school was like a fire in me. Thinkin’ on – thinkin’ on guys’ parts and all. Wantin’ to be touched, feel that stuff.”

Ennis picked up the bottle, poured Jack and himself another slug.

“My daddy. My daddy and his friends, all my friends at school, all they ever talked ‘bout it was fags this, fags that.” Jack looked straight at Ennis now. “I didn’t see no Earl in a ditch, didn’t have to. Figured out real early weren’t no upside ta’ the things I was feelin’. Liked girls well enough, ‘course so horny at that age coulda screwed a knothole.” Jack shot a little smile to Ennis.

Ennis smiled back, said. “Yup.”

Jack looked back at the fire. “Put it to a coupla’ gals, it was fine.” Jack poked the fire again, hard. “Didn’t stop the yearnins’.”

Ennis felt a hankering to touch Jack, but just moved up closer to him near the fire. Jack poked a log and sparks flew out on the carpet, lingered and then died. Jack lowered his voice. “Wasn’t till I was eighteen got a chance.” Jack shot a significant look at Ennis. “Fall of 'Sixty-two. Was workin’ on a neighbor’s spread, there was an older guy hired on fer the harvest, probably twenty three, twenty four. Mike.”

Ennis reached his hand out, covered Jack’s where it sat on the rug, feeling something he couldn’t name. Jack turned and looked into Ennis’ eyes. “He showed me stuff. Kind enough in his own way. Thought I’d felt the most one guy could feel.” Jack looked down, turned his hand over, laced his fingers with Ennis’. Jack raised his eyes again to Ennis. “Till I met you.”

Ennis couldn’t speak, throat so clogged with tenderness for that young Jack, he just squeezed Jack’s hand. After a minute, he murmured, “wish I coulda been yer first,” but he said it tender, not mad. Jack seemed to understand, ‘cause he scooted closer, brought his free hand to Ennis’ cheek, said, “you were first in what counts, bud. But I wish that too.”

Ennis’ eyes were stinging now, no bones about it.

Jack brought his face close to Ennis’ now, whispered close to his lips, “maybe you can be my last,” and kissed Ennis, a sweet kiss, only lips, but lasting a long time, hand curled still on Ennis’ face. The kiss so sweet, the recollectin’ Jack at nineteen, the thinkin’ on tomorrow and sayin’ goodbye just when it was gettin’ so good - all of it came together to make Ennis’ heart hurt fierce. Part of him hated the womanish pleasure he was taking from kisses and Jack talkin’ to him so real, but he pushed it away, hard. The two of them, alone in the back o’ Texas, who was he tryin’ to hide from?

What had he been thinkin’ all them years, lettin’ fear keep him from this? He’d almost let this slip from between his fingers, Jack bein’ the best thing he’d ever had in his grasp. Even now, he was barely hangin’ onto him, still only a prayer of havin’ him for good. Now he had to wait and show he could do it, he really didn’t know if he could, road so hard that lay in front of him. Meantime, Jack’s rich cabin owner friend was growin’ “fond,” showin’ Jack the good life with fancy whisky and who knew what else.

After awhile Jack pulled back, said, “you wanna ask me anythin’ else, Ennis?”

Ennis looked at the fire. “This guy” – Ennis motioned to the cabin around them. “He a big burly fella, beard?”

Jack laughed. “Not hardly. That’s what yer dream showed?”

“Yeah.”

“Nah, he’s tall, skinny. O’course.”

Ennis just looked at Jack.

Jack snorted. “Like you, idiot.”

Ennis took that in.

Jack talked again. “Rich rancher, married for now. That what you wanna know?”

Ennis nodded. “So. I guess I can get Mexico, and this guy, not that I’m approvin’, mind, but what are them ‘other places’?”

“Other places?”

“You said, Mexico, married guys, coupla’ other places.”

Jack looked away, sighed. “Guess I did.” The silence stretched. “Don’ think I wanna talk about that right now.”

Ennis looked at the fire hard. “I didn’t just fall off a turnip truck, Jack.”

Jack took a breath, said, “Ennis, I’m gonna be stoppin’ all that. I prom-“

Ennis leaned over quick, his own mind not knowin’ what the hell he was doin’, hand shooting to Jack’s mouth, covering it hard. Ennis shook his head. “No promises, Jack, not now. No promises, no lies. For the both of us.” Jack’s eyes went wide, but he nodded, then grabbed Ennis’ hand with his own, pulled it off his mouth a fraction of an inch, then pulled it back to his lips, placing a gentle kiss in the middle of Ennis’ palm.

Ennis leaned in, put his hand on Jack’s face, said fierce, “I wanna be the person ya’ tell only truth to, Jack. The only person. Gone past the bullshit, haven’t we? Hurts like hell, but I want it ‘cause it’s you. And what’s the point, ain’t the real you?” Ennis pulled his hands back, managed a little smile. “You gotta take the real me then, too, anyway, and that ain’t exactly a prize.”

Jack smiled back, eyes wet. “Prize to me, Ennis del Mar.”

Ennus grunted, pushed himself to his feet. “Yeah, well, just be careful. You’re better off --.” Ennis had to clear his throat, study the wall. “You’re better off bein’ with this guy quiet-like than roamin’ aroun’ Mexico and them other places.”

Jack just stared.

Ennis started for the hall. “We better start packin’ up, tomorrow’s goin’ ta’ be here ‘fore we know it.”

Jack appeared in the bedroom door after Ennis had been packing for a while. He leaned on the door jamb, asked quiet, “So what happened ta’ me in yer dream, Ennis?”

Ennis stuffed a shirt into his bag with a vicious thrust. “Not worth talkin’ about. Just a dream.”

Jack walked in, sat on the bed, stared at Ennis. “Must’ve been a hell of a dream, friend.”

Ennis kept his back to Jack, said, “Yeah, well, just be careful. All I’m sayin’.”

“Ya’ seen me killed.”

Ennis didn’t answer, kept his back to Jack.

Jack’s voice was soft. “I’ll get the kitchen stuff loaded, what I can tonight. Then let’s go ta’ bed.”

Ennis nodded. “Sounds right by me.”

Ennis packed his clothes, packed Jack’s clothes, packed what he could in the bathroom. He stripped after he was done, crawled into the bed. Bed they’d shared, what, three nights now? Exhaustion hit Ennis hard, weren’t no young buck no more ta’ be rollin’ around in some meadow, stayin’ up ta’ all hours o’ the night. Thinkin’ on tomorrow made the life just drain out o’ his limbs.

Jack came in, crawled over to Ennis, put his head right on his chest, put his arms ‘round Ennis. This holding, no sex, stuff was startin’ to seem almost normal. Ennis couldn’t bring no words to his lips, and it seemed Jack couldn’t neither. The same moonlight that had painted Jack beautiful the other night seemed harsh tonight, glarin’ on what tomorrow would bring. Jack stroked Ennis’ hair, sweet feelin’, whispered, “you sleep now, Ennis, we can talk tomorrow on the drive ‘bout how this is goin’ ta’ work. You got a long drive ahead of ya’, you need ta’ sleep.”

Jack didn’t look like he’d be fallin’ asleep anytime soon, but Ennis did, against all odds, given all the feelings swirlin’ inside him, fallin’ asleep like some child held tender by her daddy. Like Francie, after one of them bad asthma spells, him strokin’ her hair, assurance to her someone was there watchin’ out for her if she slept.

Many hours later, beginnings of pale sunrise just seepin’ in through the blinds, Ennis woke. Jack’d moved off in the night, though their legs were still tangled. Sleepin’, most of the hardness was gone from his face. Squintin’, Ennis could see the young Jack there, under it all.

Three nights in this bed together. Three nights in an ocean of loneliness. Ennis had never been to the sea, though he’d thought to take the girls sometime. Like so much else, he’d never got ‘round to it, had to save money and time for Jack, never wanted them higher-payin’ jobs ‘cause couldn’t see workin’ inside, neither. Who was he foolin’ anyway; up to now, he’d never crossed the state line. But though he hadn’t seen it, Ennis thought on the ocean sometimes – deep and dark, vast and lonely. Beautiful on the surface, full of hidden darknesses.

Felt like one of them ocean riptides was pullin’ him down right now. Sadness in waves, beatin’ on his heart. Chop hittin’ his stomach with sickness. Dark ocean hole deeper’n all the deep around it, pressure so tight squeezin’ the air out of his lungs. Always sayin’ goodbye, Jack was right, never enough time, never enough.

Not just sadness, though. Shameful, but true: currents of fear were swirlin’ ‘round Ennis’ feet, tryin’ to grab hold. How would he do this in the world out there, the world where people called fag to anyone as breathed funny?

Ennis thought on tomorrow and the day after, each hour worse than the one before. Leavin’ this place for the drive to Childress, a downhill slant he could already feel in his bones. Everywhere they went, people’d be lookin’, wonderin’ what two guys were doin’ together out in the middle o’nowhere, no huntin’ guns, no fishin’ poles.

Goin’ to Childress – worse. Jack goin’ to his fancy bank, taking out money, big money knowin’ Jack, handin’ it to some beaten down hick drivin’ some shit piece o’ junk. Ennis havin’ to see Jack’s house again, all spic n’ span, see the town Jack’s rich rancher lived in.

But that was nothin’compared to tellin’ the world he’d be goin’ to Jack’s place. No way to keep from questions then. No escape from funny looks. Funny looks only the half o’ it compared to tellin’ the girls. Worse, really, them bein’ teenagers and able to think on it more. All the fancy stories in the world wouldn’t hide the fact that Ennis del Mar, man who never went farther than the handle of the damn coffee pot, was pullin’ up stakes to go to his buddy’s place. Sure, he’d tell ‘em it was ‘cause of the work or ‘cause of Jack’s folks’ need, but he could just ‘bout see the questions in their eyes right now.

And what the hell would Jack’s folks think, final humiliation on this journey down off the mountain. Right bastard, Jack’s daddy, Ennis knew it from the stories Jack’d told. Not stupid, though, that was clear.

Even Jack’s folks weren’t the worst of it. Fightin’ it the whole time, Ennis’ mind skipped over ta’ Alma, Alma with her morality and her grocer man and her knowin’ the truth, only one besides Jack in the world knowin’ the truth fer sure, his sin to her unforgiveable any way you looked at it.

How the hell was he going to do this thing he’d taken on, out in the world of bright lights, loud noises, people who stared and whispered ‘bout guys like them? When had Ennis del Mar ever took the hard path? Never happened before, chances were couldn’t never really do it now. Easy to talk, that nightmare doggin’ him, hard to do.

And Jack wouldn’t even be with him. Might not never be, even if Ennis stayed in Lightning Flat waitin’ the rest of his life. And why in hell had he stopped Jack from making that promise ‘bout other guys? What had he been thinkin’? He really had no fuckin’ clue.

What could Ennis offer Jack, anyway? Some plan, offerin’ Jack Lightnin’ Flat. A place Jack was dyin’ to leave every day of his childhood, hadn’t let the door hit him on the way out. Ennis a washed up cowboy with nothin’ to his name, no education beyond freshman, no life outside his girls, and that a sorry once in awhile kind of thing at that.

“We can eat breakfast down in the village, I can call my folks there.” Jack’s voice, close at hand.

“Hm.”

“Alien spacecraft come lit on the back deck.”

“Mmm?”

Ennis suddenly had Jack’s warm body on top of him, Jack’s laughing face inches above his own. Appeared Jack had woken up.

“Ennis, yer thoughts are spinnin’ so dark I kin see ‘em from out here. Bin talkin’ to you fer some time.”

Ennis frowned. “Sorry, bud.”

Jack’s smile faded. “Knew this had ta’ happen sometime.”

“This?”

“Ya’ slidin’ down into yer paranoia. Ain’t an easy thing ya’ set fer yourself, Ennis. I know that better n’anyone.”

Ennis sighed. “Probably won’t be able ta’ do it, Jack, might be too much fer me.”

Jack’s eyes got fierce, and his hands came to either side of Ennis’ face, old gesture for them, the clingin’ on like that. “You listen ta’ me, Ennis.”

Ennis sighed again. Weren’t much use to talk ‘bout it all, were it?

Jack spoke fierce, low. “Look at me, Ennis.”

Ennis slid his eyes up to Jack’s. Jack’s eyes were dark, strong, flashin’. A shiver ran up Ennis’ spine.

Jack rolled them on their sides facing each other, hands still framin’ Ennis’ face, eyes still locked. Jack’s mouth was very close. Ennis felt Jack’s warm breath on his face.

Jack brought one hand down sudden to Ennis’ dick, and the shiver that had just run up Ennis’ spine ran back down it. Ennis hadn’t even known he was hard, though he shoulda figured it. He felt his eyes start to close. Jack whispered, voice hard, “Look at me, Ennis.”

Ennis opened his eyes, looked straight into Jack, inches away. Jack’s hand squeezed on Ennis’ dick. A little sound left Ennis’ lips.

Jack took Ennis’ hand and pulled it to his cock. Ennis cupped it, hard and heavy in his hand.

“Ya’ feel that, Ennis?”

Ennis murmured, “cain’t hardly help it, now can I?”

Jack tightened his grip, started to slide his fingers on Ennis. Bolts of fire shot up Ennis’ spine. “Ennis, listen ta’ me. You think on this today, and all them other days.”

Ennis’ eyes started closing again, and Jack shook Ennis’ face with the remaining hand on his temple, said “open yer eyes.”

Ennis did, feelin’ helpless against Jack, this strong Jack that had sprung up with the years, lovin’ this Jack mixed with the sweet Jack. Even in the midst of this pleasure, Ennis had a thought, fleetin’. Maybe this strong Jack was there all along, him bein’ a son o’ the Wyomin’ prairie too, but Ennis hadn’t seen it, bein’ so caught up in havin’ to be strong himself.

Jack’s hand started movin’, slowly, on Ennis, and Ennis’ thoughts flew away on the heat of it. “You think on this when yer asshole daddy’s voice comes in yer head, tellin’ you this is nasty, everyone’s talkin’ ‘bout you, everyone knows.”

“Jack.” Ennis’ voice came out funny, such a mixture o’ feelins’ goin’ on.

Jack leaned in, kissed right into Ennis’ mouth with his tongue, pushed it all the way in, Ennis suckin’ on it without even thinkin’.

Jack pulled back after awhile, and Ennis started movin’ his own hand on Jack, feelin’ of Jack hard under his hand like hittin’ an elk with one shot. All them times he’d had Jack in his hand like this, and maybe he was only now knowin’ the pleasure it gave to him, Jack’s cock hard, hard as anythin’, strong and all man, responsive to his every touch.

Jack’s voice got tight. “You think on this when ya’ see that guy in that ditch, you jus’ nine years old, little baby seein’ that, makes my daddy seem some saint.”
Jack twisted his fingers on Ennis. Ennis moaned.

Jack leaned in again and fucked Ennis’ mouth with his tongue, ‘cause that’s what it was, pushin’ in, swirlin’ around, pullin’ almost out, then back in. Jack was pantin’ when he pulled back just enough to say, “you think of this, and tell them voices, those eyes, those people thinkin’ stuff, to go fuck themselves, you hear me Ennis del Mar?”

Ennis was pantin’ himself now, but he got some spit and brought it down to Jack, covering him good. Jack arched back, shoving into Ennis’ hand. The pale stretch of Jack’s neck pulled at Ennis’ mouth, and what started as a kiss turned into a suckin’, a wantin’ to put something on Jack that would show tomorrow after they was apart. Jack writhed underneath him, moanin’, deep moan like Ennis’ mouth on him was hotter’n anything. Ennis sucked a long time, movin’ his hand on Jack’s cock at the same time, pressed up all along Jack’s body.

Jack pushed Ennis away, pantin’, held his face so he was lookin’ right at him, said, gaspin’ for air, “‘Cause if you don’t, and I gotta be without you, rest o’ my life, gonna break my heart fer good, worse than ever before, and I won’t care I end up in a ditch somewhere, you hear me, Ennis?”

Ennis couldn’t get no air. His hand stopped movin’ on Jack at the same time Jack’s stopped on him. He choked out. “That’s not fair.”

Jack breathed in a bunch of air. “Yeah. Life’s a bitch, ain’t it. Wasn’t me showed up on yer doorstep. Now ya’ gotta take the heat.”

Ennis was breathin’ hard now, anger, shame, fear, sorrow, lust, all of it a swirlin’ mess inside. Feelin’ he recognized, feelin’ in years past would have him walkin’ out the door, findin’ a fight. Or he could just fuck Jack now, flip him over and do it like so many times before, no doubt. Didn’t seem enough somehow, this last time, for sure ‘nuf it was that, for now at least, maybe forever.

Unbidden, unwanted, Ennis’ eyes stung, thinkin’ on their partin’, thinkin’ on Jack losin’ his innocence, havin’ to be strong, and whose fault that was. Jack was still lookin’ into Ennis’ eyes, not afraid of him, though maybe he should be, waitin’ on Ennis.

Ennis used his own strength to shake off the sadness and the anger, pulled the sheets off their bodies, reached down, pulled Jack’s hand off Ennis’ dick, moved Jack’s hand over onto Jack’s own cock, all the while keepin’ his gaze right into Jack’s eyes.
Jack’s eyes were huge. Quite a feat, shockin’ Jack Twist.

Ennis’ voice sounded scratchy to his own ears. “Wanna see you. See what you do when you’re alone.”

Jack just stared.

Ennis said, “You’re blushin’, Jack.”

Jack took a breath, said “No, I ain’t.”

Ennis laughed a little chuckle, reached his other hand to Jack’s cheek, caressed the faint redness there. “Never thought I’d see the day Ennis del Mar made Jack Fuckin’ Twist blush.”

Jack’s lips quirked.

Ennis’ voice darkened, turned into a growl. “Wanna see what you do when the need takes you, you ain’t got no one around. ‘Cause this is our last time. Fer now.” Ennis pushed a little on Jack’s hand. “Wanna watch.” He leaned into Jack’s ear. “Wanna listen.”

Jack’s face was a study and that was no lie, shock and embarrassment warring with turned on, Ennis could read Jack’s face ‘bout as clear as the Sunday paper.

Ennis said, voice almost a purr, “ya’ said anythin’ I wanted.”

Jack rolled his eyes, whispered, “Jesus H., Ennis, do you remember every fuckin’ thing I ever said?”

Ennis smirked. “Yup. I do.”

Jack swallowed, heat kindling in his eyes.

Ennis leaned in, licked at Jack’s lips. “Come on, Jack. Wanna see. Somethin’ fer me to think on.” Jack made a sound like a whine. Ennis ducked forward again, licked into Jack’s mouth, open and willin’ under him. “Somethin’ for you to think on.”

Jack moaned deep in his throat, and Ennis could feel the muscles in Jack’s arm flex, knew Jack had started touchin’ himself. Hot fire ran through Ennis at the very thought, Jack openin’ himself to him like that.

Ennis pulled back from Jack’s face to look. Jack’s hand was running softly up and down his dick. Early dawn light painted Jack in light and shadows, showing wetness already gathering at the tip.

Ennis pushed his own cock up against Jack’s hand, feelin’ it movin’ faster. Ennis whispered, “Jack, look,” and Jack did, gasping at the sight.

Jack angled so the tip of his dick hit Ennis’ cock every stroke, then took it and rubbed it along Ennis. Ennis’ groan shook the bed. “Fuck.”

Jack leaned in and ran his tongue along Ennis’ lips now, hot fire zinging where it touched, then shoved his tongue in, hot n’ hard. Ennis’ tongue twined with Jack’s, and they pushed their bodies tighter and tighter together.

Jack pulled back a little, gasping, said, “you, Ennis, wanna see you. How you wring it out, thinkin’ o’ me.”

Ennis felt his own blush but ignored it, bit his lip and forced his hand onto himself. Jack shuddered, a deep shake that ran through his whole body.

Looking down at their bodies, Ennis thought he’d never seen nothin’ so obscene, nor nothin’ so beautiful, in his life, their bodies twined together at the feet, touchin’ along all the skin they could, watchin’ each other doin’ this most private thing of all.

Ennis’ cheeks heated some more, but he let his fingers run down his cock, then up and down again, over and over. Jack was lookin’ now, tongue curled between his lips like it did sometimes, eyes smoky. And then he was startin’ to talk, sayin’, “Jesus, Ennis, jus’ thinkin’ on what you’re doin’- I cain’t stand it, I won’t last.”

Ennis gritted out, “slow down, want it to last,” and Jack did, stillin’ his fingers completely, eyes gone liquid and dark watchin’ Ennis. Ennis built to a rhythm and Jack leaned in for a searin’ kiss that got Ennis to shakin’.

Jack started his own hand movin’ again, slow. It startled a gasp out of Ennis when Jack brought his fingers to the tip of his cock and rubbed a little o’ the slick around. Ennis copied the motion on himself and Jack moaned, reached with his mouth for Ennis’ mouth again.

They pulled off to breathe, Ennis gaspin’ in huge pants o’ air, Jack too. Jack was moanin’ for real now, startin’ to chant, “Ennis, Ennis,” down low in his throat. His name on Jack’s lips went straight to Ennis cock, now rock hard and weeping, and his hand sped up.

Jack was lookin’ down at them again, and Ennis let himself get a little showy, takin’ the slick and smoothin’ it slow down his length. Jack whined, said, “Ennis, I want -.”
Ennis kissed Jack again, shovin’ his tongue in, free hand clenchin’ on Jack’s hair, pulled back, grated “anythin’ you want, Jack, anythin’.”

“Fuck!” Jack tightened his own grip on Ennis’ curls, brought their mouths together again in a bruisin’ kiss.

Jack’s hand had sped up on himself again, and he brought his free hand out of Ennis’ curls to Ennis’ balls, cuppin’ them sweet n’ hot, pullin’ a groan out of Ennis.

Ennis’ free hand slid down, went to the base of Jack’s cock, felt the sac below it, springy hairs and warm life pulsing. Jack moaned hard, tossed his head back, and Ennis dove in for that beautiful neck again, starlin’ a low whine from Jack’s throat.

“I want – “

Ennis growled on Jack’s neck, raised his mouth up to Jack’s ear, said, “nothin’ you could want is shameful to me, Jack, nothin’.”

Jack shuddered, moaned. Ennis licked at Jack’s ear and Jack thrashed underneath him. Ennis dove down to his mouth, fucked it with his tongue, feelin’ at the same time the movin’ of Jack’s hand on himself, right up against his own hand on his own dick.

Jack pulled back from his mouth an inch, panted into Ennis’ mouth, “put something in me,” and Ennis felt his own body shudder in response, shudder so strong he had to clamp down on his balls to keep from unloadin’ right then and there.

Ennis whispered “yes” at Jack’s mouth, then forced his tongue back in hard. He slid the fingers of his free hand into Jack’s mouth, right up against their tongues, Jack writhing now underneath him, the feelin’ of it and the knowin’ what was next makin’ them both pant for air.

Ennis slid down a few inches, his own cock hard under his own hand, said, “watch,” and slid two fingers into Jack, far as they could go. Ennis had to stop his hand on himself or he would’ve shot right then, Jack’s body twitchin’ like electric volts was runnin’ through him.

Jack pulled his head up, craned down searchin’ for Ennis’ mouth. Ennis craned his own neck up, and their tongues were in each others’ mouths again, fierce.

Jack pulled his mouth back, said, “Ennis, Oh God, I’m gonna – “and Ennis pulled his fingers back a little, then added a third, pushed hard. Jack yelled. Ennis said, “Jack, watch,” and Jack, helpless, looked again, eyes wild, and came in a gush on his own hand, his belly, Ennis’ hand and Ennis’ cock. His insides clamped down on Ennis’ fingers and his body arched up, yell on his lips, “Ennis!”

Ennis watched him, watched him every second, and Jack kept his eyes open to watch, then brought his eyes up to Ennis’, such pleasure in them Ennis might’ve drowned in the blue.

Ennis kept up a slow slide on himself, Jack’s seed coatin’ Ennis’ cock and Ennis’ hand, him knowin’ this was part of Jack. He let his fingers slip out of Jack, brought them up to cup light ‘round Jack’s balls, knowin’ the good feelin’ of that after.

Jack came back slowly, eyes focusing again on Ennis, said “Jesus H. fuckin’ Christ,” looked down at Ennis’ hand, still on his own cock, growled low and said, “now you.” Jack was breathin’ hard and his eyes was fierce, and Ennis’d been holdin’ back forever.

Jack’s hand came on top of Ennis’ hand, holdin’ on while it worked on his cock, his tongue came in Ennis’ mouth again, and Ennis felt himself fallin’, fallin’ into Jack. He felt a yearnin’ for somethin’, heard himself moan, “Jack, me, too,” not quite bein’ able to say the wish out loud.

Jack deepened the kiss, hittin’ every place inside Ennis’ mouth, then pulled his mouth off, said, “look,” rubbed his fingers in his own spunk, lyin’ there on Ennis’ belly, and brought them back down to Ennis. One finger breachin’ startled a grunt, but Ennis pushed into it, and Jack took that as a sign to try two.

Ennis felt sweat pop out all over, could barely keep up a rhythm on his own cock, heard himself groan, “Jack.”

Jack said close to Ennis’ lips, “feel this” and twisted his fingers somehow, and Ennis was babblin’ words that weren’t words, electric fire coursin’ through his bones, body thrashin’. Jack whispered soft, “Ennis, look,” and Ennis looked down at the sight of Jack’s hand up inside him, other hand covering his own hand on his own cock, and came, the feel of his own spunk floodin’ on his fingers to mingle with Jack’s, Jack’s breath warm and alive on his face.

Jack shoved his tongue in Ennis’ mouth when Ennis was still comin’, pullin’ Ennis’ head up to meet him, and Ennis’ groan shook his body.

When Jack’s tongue went away, Ennis said, “darlin’,” and Jack said, almost too low to hear, “baby,” and Ennis felt another, improbable, wave course through his cock, and an arrow pierce his heart.

Ennis brought his hand to Jack’s hair again, needin’ to feel his fingers card through it, brought Jack’s mouth to his again for another kiss, this one gentler, tongues softening. Jack’s one hand tangled in Ennis’ hair, pullin’ through the curls.

Their bodies were pressed up together, and Ennis drew Jack in even tighter, wrappin’ his arms ‘round him strong, keepin’ their lips together. Felt like their whole selves was touchin’, bodies and hearts, too. Jack tightened his own arms ‘round Ennis, wrapped his legs further ‘round. Gradually their lips stopped kissin’ and they just lay there, mouths almost together, breathin’ in time, touchin’ on every part of their bodies as could reach.

Ennis wasn’t sure who first pulled back a little, maybe it was both of them at the same time, but slowly, bit by bit, they pulled apart, and after a long stretch of time, they got up and moved to the shower together.

Seemed like there should be somethin’ to say, but Ennis couldn’t think of one single thing. Jack neither, apparently, ‘cause the first words they spoke was Ennis, sayin’ “I’ll do yer hair.” Jack smiled, and Ennis tried to pore all his feelins’ into the hair washin’, makin’ his fingers strong but gentle, keepin’ up the massagin’ till Jack said, “mmm” and leaned all the way into Ennis’ hands.

Washin’ Jack’s body, Ennis did the same thing, gentle but strong, still a man but doin’ this lovin’ thing for his fella. Jack musta felt it, ‘cause after, he cradled Ennis’ cheek with his palm, pressed a sweet kiss on Ennis’ lips, water fallin’ into both of their eyes.

Not much words were said neither throwin’ their last things in the truck, Jack having already taken Ennis’ bag and stuck it in, along with his own. Jack took a moment puttin’ the key back under some rock, it not escapin’ Ennis for the second time that Jack sure was acquainted with where that key belonged.

Jack took the truck key, they both got in, but Jack just sat a minute, not startin’ the engine. Ennis looked over at him, and Jack hunched his shoulders, gripped the wheel tight for a minute. Jack turned his face to Ennis, breathed out in a gush, said “Ya’ ready?”

Ennis wanted to say he wasn’t ready, wouldn’t never be ready, not for bein’
‘round other people, not for goin’ back to the real world, and most of all not for leavin’ Jack for one single minute. He shifted his hat down lower on his head, but made sure Jack could see his eyes, nodded, said, “Ready ‘nuf.”

The drive to the village was silent, and that was fine, them bein’ guys and no need to blather on ‘bout stuff weren’t nothin’ to be done about. They ate breakfast in some place where the waitress knew Jack, Ennis wincin’ when she asked him did he want his regular, it bein’ obvious Jack’d been to that cabin more than the coupla times he’d said.

Jack put his fingers to his forehead, took a breath, said “sorry” down low when the waitress left their table.

Ennis finished swallowin’ the sip of coffee in his mouth, havin’ a difficult time swallowin’ over the bile risin’ up from considerin’ Jack and them other men, and this particular other man who probably sat in this very chair across from his Jack. Considered what the hell to say. Looked at Jack, sure lookin’ mighty sorry, couldn’t even look at Ennis’ face. Ennis figured he’d have plenty of time to let out the anger later, not much point to it now, said quiet as he could manage, “why I stopped you from promisin’ anythin’ now, you’ve gotten used ta’ the lyin’, the dickin’ around.“

Jack raised his eyes to Ennis, and Ennis could tell it took quite an effort. Jack cleared his throat, said “Yer bein’ awful understandin’, considerin’ how I’m guessin you feel.”

Despite his resolve, Ennis felt anger boil up. “You want I should spell it out for you, how I feel about it?”

Jack darted a glance around the restaurant, and Ennis realized he musta raised his voice a bit. Jack shook his head. “Think not. Unless you need to.”

Ennis cleared his throat, kept his voice as low as he could, said, “I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, Jack, but I get that it’s ‘least partly my fault. Time may come, Jack, when I ain’t so understandin’. Time may come fer promises.” Ennis waited till Jack turned his head to look at him. “Not just promises. If I change, you gotta change, I ain’t that much a Christian. Hope I ain’t given that impression.”

Jack’s mouth actually curled up a little. “Well, ya’ did say you’d wait in Lightnin’ Flat not never askin’ nothin’ of me.” Ennis couldn’t talk for a second, and Jack said “But I kinda figured that was the not havin’ slept or ate for days talkin’.” Jack hesitated, added, “I know you better’n that, Ennis.”

Exasperatin’, that’s what Jack was, but Ennis just snorted and drank some more coffee. “Ain’t no sense in talkin’ about it no more now, Jack.” And that was true, Ennis realized. It was somethin’ to be dealt with another time, when they weren’t headin’ down the mountain, when Ennis wasn’t headin’ up the mountain of tryin’ to do somethin’ he could hardly believe he’d took on.

The waitress brought their food, and Ennis dug in, surprisin’ himself by bein’ able to eat at all. Ennis even took a moment to enjoy the experience of eatin’ out in a restaurant with Jack, somethin’ they’d done only a few times in twenty years. If it weren’t for it bein’ this particular restaurant, on this particular leavin’ day, the experience might be downright nice.

He remembered the first time they’d eaten in a restaurant together, them comin’ off a night in the Motel Siesta, shit place as far from Riverton as he could stand ta’ go, which after not seein’ Jack for four years had been ‘bout ten minutes drivin’, considerin’ the stop for whiskey took another ten. Ennis remembered thinkin’ that he didn’t know much Spanish, but sure as shit he and Jack hadn’t done much sleepin’, ironical given the name Siesta.

That night still memorable, Jack shakin’ so bad Alma musta felt them floorboards tremblin’ when Ennis brought Jack up ta’ meet her. Miracle they made it inside the door of that motel, miracle the door got closed, ‘course it helped Ennis grabbed Jack and pinned him flat against the inside of that old door the second they got it open.

“Ennis?” Jack was wavin’ his hand in front of Ennis’ face. “What ya’ thinkin’ on?”

“Nothin’.” Ennis could feel that he must have been smilin’, which must look pretty strange to Jack followin’ on the discussion they’d just had.

“Ennis.” Jack was getting’ growly.

“Fine.” Ennis slouched back, looked Jack in the face. “Was thinkin’ on one o’ the other times we ate at a restaurant together. That time in Riverton, after that Motel Siesta.“ Ennis let his smile show and lowered his voice. “And that night there.”

Jack’s mouth curled up real slow, and his eyes turned warm and grateful. “Allright then.”

The warmth in Ennis’ heart didn’t falter even when the waitress appeared again. If the look she shot them was funny, Ennis didn’t care. Plenty of time for that later too.

Ennis sat in the truck while Jack called his folks. Whole thing seemed so crazy to Ennis now he just sat there, waitin’ on his fate.

Jack came back pretty fast, big ol’ grin splittin’ his face. He slid into the driver’s seat, started the truck and eased her onto the highway. He darted a quick grin to Ennis, then looked out ahead at the highway. “My momma, ain’t heard her like that in a long time, she’s all excited.” Jack reached a hand across the seat, poked Ennis in the ribs. “She’s gonna fatten you up, boy, that’s the least of it.”

Ennis squirmed. “Jack. Yer gonna crash the truck.”

Jack just laughed, looked back to the road. “She wants to know can you bring the girls too. Told her how they live with Alma most of the time, plus Junior’s set to graduatin’, but she’s got it all planned, girls come in the summer, stay on the place, swim in the creek, bake cookies, you name it.”

Ennis throat swelled up, very thought of it, his girls welcome, more than welcome, runnin’ in the sunshine of summer on a spread like that, Jack’s momma wanting them around.

But what the fuck? “Jack, what’d you tell them?”

Jack smiled. “I jus’ told ‘em my buddy, one they heard about goin’ on twenty years, needed a change, divorced and all, good worker.”

Ennis scooted down in the seat a little lower, said, “What’d yer Daddy say?”

“Caught him home, that’s a miracle right there. He’d usually be out on the spread by now. Just said, ‘hope he’s half the worker you always said.’ My daddy ain’t much one fer words. Tell ya’ what, though.” Jack paused.

“What?”

“Think he was happy to get somebody might know what they’re doin’. Think he might know he ain’t too good at runnin’ them hands. Stock, too. Think he’s worried ‘bout getting’ old. Never thought much on it, but I’m not sure he ever wanted ta’ be runnin’ some ranch.” Jack looked over at Ennis, took in the hunch of his shoulders. He said, soft, “My momma wants you to stay in the house with them, not the bunkhouse.”

Ennis let a lot of road go by under the truck’s old tires before he said anything to that, and Jack let him, wonderful thing ‘bout him ‘bein a guy and furthermore knowin’ Ennis as good as he did. Wasn’t too much road left to Childress, near as Ennis could tell, when he finally said, “Don’t think it’d be right, stayin’ in their house. They thinkin’ I’m overseein’ the hands?”

Jack said, as if it hadn’t been many a mile of silence, “Yup. My daddy said it himself.” Jack shifted his voice deeper ta’ imitate his daddy. “Gonna put him over the hands. Won’t be any worse.”

“Think it’s best I pitch my tent. Then I’m not stayin’ with yer folks, not stayin’ with the hands. What d’ya’ think?”

Jack nodded. “That’d be best, you gonna get those deuces ta’ respect you. Not that they wouldn’t anyway.” He shot a quick gland over to Ennis, stern. “When the cold weather comes, you ought to move in to the house.”

Ennis straightened up a bit, said, “Now, Jack, wanna ask you one thing. I mean to build a place, if I really do this. They okay with that?”

“Sure ‘nuf.” Jack smiled. “My momma always said the upper forty’d be a fine site for another place. They mentioned it particular, you were welcome to build somethin’ if ya’ wanted to. Far as they know at the moment, ain’t no chance a’ me buildin’ on it, they figure might as well go ta’ some good use.”

“You still okay with that, Jack?”

Jack flashed a serious look at Ennis. “I’m more than okay with that, Bud. I just cain’t believe yer really sayin’ it.”

Ennis sighed, looked at the landscape outside the window changing from scrub pines to flat out Texas desert, sagebrush whirlin’ ‘cross the road, endless horizon, said, “Yeah, well it’s the doin’ that matters, not the sayin’.”

Jack waited a number of seconds, then said gentle, from the heart, “ain’t that the truth.”

They shared a quick smile, and then the rest of the miles ticked off. As Childress approached, Ennis felt his guts start to clench, familiar feelin’ but now he understood it complete.

The old dark thoughts started comin’ in to his head hard, too, ‘bout people lookin’ at them and guessin’, lookin’ at him and knowin’.

Jack pulled up to a big shiny new bank, cut the engine, and blew out a big breath. “Well. Here we are.”

Ennis nodded. “I need ta’ come in?”

Jack shook his head. “No need.”

Ennis gathered courage, offered to Jack, “You want me to?”

Jack, merciful, said no, shot Ennis a grateful smile, which he returned back.

Sittin’ in the truck, Ennis saw the shiny bank, the normal people walkin’ on these coupla streets of downtown Childress. A couple had stopped Jack on his way in, all dressed up in finery, smilin’ at Jack like he was important. Jack was glad-handin’ ‘em, and they was lappin’ it up. Salesman. Wouldn’t have ever thought that Jack Twist, the boy with rodeo in his dreams and don’t wanna live like everyone else in his heart woulda ended up like this.

Jack spent a bit of the time in the bank, but next Ennis knew, he was pressin’ a big envelope in Ennis’ hands. Ennis started to open it, but Jack said, “not now, wait,” and Ennis said, “I’ll get it back to you if I cain’t do it.”

Jack just nodded. He didn’t seem in any hurry to start the car back up. His eyes were startin’ to get that desperate look again, the one Ennis couldn’t stand, and he was lookin’ around those Childress streets a bit paranoid himself.

Ennis said quiet, “Jack, you wanna talk ‘bout what’s waitin’ here for ya’? I fucked up yer life again pullin’ this stunt?”

Jack looked off at the car window. “My choice. Probably could fix it all up if I wanted to.” Jack sighed, empty look in his eyes.

Ennis felt something new rise up in him, some part of him he hadn’t known was there maybe, said, “Jack. Jack, don’t –“ Ennis swallowed, “don’t do nothin’ on account of me right yet. You got a good life ya’ made for yerself. Nice house, Lureen sounds like she’s a good woman, you got Bobby, maybe –“ Ennis gritted his teeth – “maybe somebody else who cares ‘bout you.” Jack was looking at him funny, but he went on. “Just don’t – don’t throw it all away on account o’ me doin’ somethin’ right for once. It’s just three days so far, wait and see if I can make it longer than that before ya’ throw somethin’ away that’s workin’ good for you. You should fix it up, fer now, when you get back.”

Jack looked at Ennis’ face, searching look. “You sure you’re really Ennis del Mar, not some alien transplanted into his body?”

Ennis’ mouth curled up, Jack tryin’ to make him smile at a time like this bein’ such a Jack thing to do.

“Well, just don’t quote me.”

Jack smiled, a real smile that reached his eyes. After a minute the smile faded, and Jack took a breath. “Ennis, if you decide you cain’t do it, any time, just send a postcard. Say – say the fish ain’t bitin’ or somethin’. Don’t worry ‘bout that stuff I said. I’ll know you tried your hardest.”

Ennis took his hat off, held it on his lap, shook his head. “Ain’t gonna send you no more postcards.” Ennis raised his eyes to Jack. “No more postcards ‘cause you’re goin’ ta’ know where you can find me, any day, any time. ‘Less you send me one tellin’ me get on away from yer folks’ place.”

Jack pressed his lips together. His hand started toward Ennis, then fell onto the seat. “Allright then.”

Ennis stared at Jack’s hand, lying there on the seat between them, broad light of day in downtown Childress, took a breath and put his own hand, for one heartbeat of time, on top of Jack’s hand, then pulled it off. “Allright.”

Jack nodded, gunned the truck, and within minutes they were on Jack’s street. Jack got out, Ennis slid over, Jack got his stuff out of the back and came to the window. Ennis was tryin’ real hard to be a man, maybe Jack too, ‘cause his mouth looked a little shaky. Ennis couldn’t stand it, so he said, “goodbye, Jack.”

Jack wouldn’t let go of the window, just leanin’ onto it, sayin’ “goodbye, Ennis,” lookin’ like he wanted to say more than that, and Ennis wanted ta’ kiss him so bad he could taste it. Jack knew it, ‘cause he licked his lips and looked right into Ennis’ eyes.

Ennis remembered one time when Francine was a baby, her gettin’ some kinda barb in her foot. Every time Alma went to get it out, Francine had shook with fear and screamed. Ennis’d clenched his jaw, held her foot with an iron grip, and said, “Francie, darlin’, sometimes ain’t nothin’ for it but a yank, then it’s all over.”

That was how this was, each passin’ minute just getting’ worse. Ennis said, “I gotta go, cain’t stand this, Jack,”

Jack said “allright,” voice catchin’ just a little, and Ennis said soft into Jack’s face, “I took yer shirt, Jack.” Jack’s fist went to his mouth hearin’ that, his forehead crinkled, and then Ennis pulled the car away and he was seein’ him in his side mirror, gettin’ smaller and smaller standin’ there on that fancy street.

And just like that, Ennis was drivin’ away from Jack, again, guts churnin’, eyes stingin’, like all them other times. The waters were suckin’ Ennis in deep now, swirlin’ ‘round his heart with darkness, chokin’ his lungs, crampin’ his guts. He hoped the road went straight for a bit, ‘cause he couldn’t see too well, eyes swimmin’, vision turned grey. Maybe the world had turned grey for all he knew, Jack Twist not bein’ there next to him no more.

Though the tears went away, the mist over his vision didn’t clear none. Might as well have been sucked out to sea for the darkness that was fallin’ on his heart. Every hundred miles acquainted him more and more with the person he really was.

Who was he foolin’ anyway, with his dreams o’ sharin’ a life with Jack. The world had changed a little since Earl was drug around and left in that ditch, but not enough to make it safe, certainly not enough to keep people from laughin’ and talkin’. Ennis weren’t no hero, hadn’t never been, and thinkin’ on people’s scorn made a cold shiver run through him.

Sure, he had meant it at the time. Sure, he had seen a way to maybe do it, out in the back forty of Jack’s folks’ place. But that was that nightmare talkin’, fillin’ him with sad visions. Jack was fine, nothin’ bad was goin’ to happen to Jack. He’d probably be better off livin’ the life he’d figured out for himself down in Childress. Up in Wyoming, people would talk, two guys shacked up together, just weren’t no way around it. Everyone would know, country people bein’ like that. Everywhere Ennis went, everywhere Ennis and Jack went, people would know, people would stare, people would scurry their children out o’ the way. And them tire irons were possible, too, Ennis knew that well enough.

By the time Ennis arrived at his trailer on that Wyomin’ prairie, he knew it had just been a dream, his own last dream of how it maybe coulda been. Weren’t the real Ennis del Mar. It’d been a full day since he and Jack had woken in the early dawn light, but it could have been one minute or twenty years. The drivin’ all blended together, and Ennis couldn’t remember nothin’ of the road.

Ennis cut the engine and looked at his trailer, piece of shit in the middle of nothin’. He had nothin’ and nobody, and that was just the way it was meant to be. Dreams was dreams, but weren’t no way Ennis del Mar could ever step out o’ the tried and true, listen to the shushed laughter and see the open scorn.

Some people just weren’t meant for nothin’ more than grey. People like him just put their heads down and kept walkin’. If once in awhile, coupla times a year, he had had the privilege o’ seein’ a bit o’ color, he should be grateful, not get greedy for more. He couldn’t fix the world, so he’d just have to stand it, live on memories if he had to, ‘cause the world weren’t set up for people like him and Jack.

Ennis got out of the truck, grabbed his bag, went to his door. Junior’d apparently been by, so that was a blessin’, ‘cause there was a note, “Daddy call me when you get back, love, Junior.” Later he’d walk to the pay phone, but now he just needed to lie down and rest a bit, cradle his sorrow to him and see if it was too early to start reelin’ out the memories.

He opened the door, saw with clear eyes how he’d been livin’. One cup, dirty, on the counter. Two plates in the cupboard, coupla cans of food, saggin’ chair near the t.v. Even less color inside than outside, and that was sayin’ something, the area ‘round Riverton not exactly bein’ some riot o’ sights. Ennis sank into his chair, put his head in his hands, weary to his bones.

Just as well he wouldn’t be able to do it, Jack needin’ so much more than Ennis had ta’ give. Ennis didn’t have nothin’ to offer, him a grey old guy without an ounce of fun ta’ his name. Jack’d be allright, never havin’ no trouble findin’ people fond of him, probably better off.

Sure, Jack’d be sorry Ennis couldn’t do it, but he’d probably known in his heart it weren’t going to happen. Jack was strong, he’d be fine. Ennis’d send him that postcard, fish not bitin’, and Jack would understand, he always did. Hurt Ennis’ heart to think on it, but wasn’t no point fightin’ it.

After some time he got up, decided to take a shower and hit the hay for awhile, though he didn’t think he’d go to his bed, just curl up in his chair, thought of bein’ in a bed alone somehow worse than anythin’ right now.

Ennis went to get his toothbrush out of his bag, figurin’ he could at least do his teeth, opened the bag. Strange. A grocery bag was inside, top folded over neat. No wonder his bag had seemed fuller than it should. Ennis stared at it a minute, flutter in his stomach. His hands reached, tremblin’ a little, for the bag, lifted it out. Light as a feather. He remembered Jack two days ago at that little lake, grocery bag like this tucked under his arm.

Ennis sat down on his crappy chair, put the bag on his lap, took a breath. He unfolded the top, opened it up. What in the world? A sharp scent hit his nose, sending a stab to his heart. Smelt like mountain grasses, like Jack.

It was so dark in his trailer, Ennis couldn’t see in. He upended the bag, shook it out. He gasped out loud. Cascading over his lap, quantities of flowers, flowers from that meadow by the lake, in all the colors of God’s earth, yellows, reds, blues and pinks, interlaced with every shade of white and orange and purple. Ennis’ heart leapt, he felt it actually skip a beat.

His throat closed, and then he was cryin’, cryin’ for real, cryin’ for sorrow and for joy, his Jack still able, after all the hurt and all the years, to give such a gift to him. Jack still wantin’ Ennis more than anyone else, Ennis knew in his heart Jack’d never given no flowers to no other man, nor any woman for that matter. He’d told Ennis himself that meadow had reminded him of Brokeback, he’d kept their times together as close to his heart as Ennis had, seein’ a place like that and thinkin’ on Ennis.

Jack wanted this, that’s what he was tellin’ him, wanted Ennis to do it. Jack wanted to bring the color ta’ Ennis’ life, was willin’ ta’ try it even now, twenty years on. For whatever goddamned reason, Jack wanted Ennis same as Ennis wanted Jack. Jack’d been tellin’ him that for sixteen years of drivin’ that godforsaken road, and if Ennis’d let him, Jack probably would’ve told him the same thing twenty years ago on Brokeback.

Ennis brought them flowers to his face, felt his tears, healin’ tears, fallin’ into the colors, smelt the life that could be his, just maybe, if he was strong.

When he’d calmed somewhat, he found a beat up metal bowl, put some water in it, started gatherin’ up the flowers from where they’d fallen on the chair, the floor. Crouchin’ there, he saw one stalk of lupine, perfect, like the flower he’d watched when he’d offered himself to Jack in that meadow, offerin’ his body ta’ Jack as much for himself as for Jack. And Jack’d understood, ‘cause he’d always understood Ennis and known him better than he did himself.

One perfect blue stalk, hundreds of tiny blossoms, miracle the places it could live. Close to treeline up on Brokeback, down in the dusty Texas hills, and who knew where else? Ennis wouldn’t be surprised if that same flower, delicate lookin’, but hardy as anythin’, flourished up at Lightnin’ Flat as well.

Ennis placed the other flowers in the bowl, set it in the middle of his kitchen table, then felt his mouth quirk up it looked so funny surrounded by the shitty linoleum and beat-up crap in his kitchen. Just like Jack, makin’ him laugh after he’d made him cry.

Ennis picked up the lupine, went into the bedroom, crawled into his bed after all. Cursin’ himself for a sentimental fool, but figurin’ he was entitled, seein’ as how later today or tomorrow he’d be tellin’ his girls and then Alma he was movin’ to Lightnin’ Flat, Ennis cradled that stalk of blue in his hand, brought it to his face one more time to catch that mountain smell, then placed it next to him on the bed.

After some time, he let his eyelids close. Eyes shut, he still saw that flower, sight he’d never forget, and just before sleep came over him, he muttered under his breath, smile on his lips, “Sonofabitch, Jack fuckin’ Twist.”

Ennis woke drenched in sweat, face down, hands clutched in a pillow, body twisted in the goddamn sheets. Again. This was getting’ damn old, and that weren’t no lie. Heart was thumpin’ like he’d been chased by a bear, throat was tight, goddamn crusts of tear stains on his face. ‘Least there weren’t no come dryin’ on his thighs this time.

He turned onto his side, draggin’ the sheets with him, gatherin’ energy to get up. Froze in position. On the other pillow, startling against the white, the stalk of lupine, blue like the Brokeback sky, blue like eyes.

Ennis looked toward his one window, saw it was still day, though probably late afternoon by the slant of the light. No one else was there, so he reached out a hand, stroked gently at the delicate flowers. Soft as anything, but strong.

Ennis had read in Reader’s Digest in the dentist’s waitin’ room one time, dreams was windows into the soul, told you what you secretly wanted or feared or knew. The dreams was tellin’ him something, he knew it in his heart. He guessed he’d better goddamn figure out what, seein’ as how he was about to turn his life upside down.

He rolled out of bed, headin’ for the kitchen, turned back around and picked up that blue flower from his pillow, feelin’ a bit of a fool. Stuck it in an envelope he got from a bill, put it in his shirt pocket. Got to the kitchen, stopped in the doorway, mouth curvin’ up, looking at the bowl of goddamned flowers. Set the water on, found some molding bread and toasted it.

Sittin’ in his crapped up vinyl chair at his Sears table drinkin’ his coffee, Ennis forced himself to think about the nightmare as was doggin’ his nights. Shouldn’t the nightmares have stopped, now he was going to Lightning Flat, now he’d driven them many miles to Childress and had that time with Jack?

He couldn’t figure it out. Sittin’ there wasn’t doin’ no good, so he finished his coffee, pushed back and got in the truck to drive to Alma’s house. With any luck, this time of day, close on supper time, he could catch the girls and Alma home. If not, he could leave a note so’s they could meet up before he left town.

He made it almost to downtown Riverton before his heart started up beatin’ so fast he thought he couldn’t breathe. Sure enough, his throat was tight and he had to suck in air. He pulled the truck over to the side of the road, parked it in a spot with no people around.

The thought of tellin’ Alma and the girls where he was goin’ – worst thing he could think on. He’d be lucky if Alma just gave him that look she had, lucky if she didn’t just come out and call him queer in front of his own babies. She knew ‘bout Jack, somehow – put it all together from the no fish brought back, the back door in the bedroom, maybe even the look on Ennis’ own face that time she met Jack. Closest he’d ever come to hittin’ a woman that night years later in her kitchen, her callin’ Jack nasty.

Ennis’ chest heaved just thinkin’ on tellin’ Alma. He didn’t think he could do it, too humiliatin’ for words. And his daughters – their sweet faces, their lovin’ of their daddy – how could he do somethin’ that would risk all that?

Weren’t too many steps from sayin’ was goin’ to live on a friend’s place to endin’ up in a ditch like that Earl, either. Small towns like this and Lightning Flat, everyone knowin’ everyone’s business. He could see the stares now. Bad enough he’d never married again.

He slumped against the wheel of his car, shoulders forward, head on the wheel. He was a pathetic excuse for a man, but the fear was breakin’ him out in sweat, and his heart was hammerin’ worse than ever. His bowels felt loose and nausea nipped at his stomach.

Appeared it just weren’t gonna happen, ‘cause he sure wasn’t going to be able to move to Lightnin’ Flat and deal with everyone there if he couldn’t even deal with his own kin on this. Ennis felt despair crush him in a wave, wantin’ to be a different man, a stronger man, knowin’ he wasn’t, and couldn’t do the thing he wanted so much. Could break a man’s heart, knowin’ what was right, but lackin’ the spine to do it.

He straightened up to start the car and head back to the trailer, weight of defeat hard on his shoulders, heard a crinkling in his pocket. Time stopped for a minute, and he dug the envelope out of his shirt. Cracking it open, he looked at the lupine, still fragrant and blue. His eyes stung and the blue petals blurred, became a sea of that wild lupine color.

Against his will, an image from the dream painted itself across the blue: Jack, beaten and bloody, dying alone starin’ up at the blue of the sky. He felt a gasp ripped from deep inside him as it came to him like one of them revelations, fast and all in a piece. It was like they always said, fight fire with fire. He’d seen them wild forest fires, leapin’ from place to place, no water was goin’ to stop one of those. The only thing that stopped the big ones was fire, fire set on purpose to burn off the fuel in the path of the wildfire.

Maybe fear was like that too. What better to fight fear than fear?

In his nightmare, the Ennis who lived through gettin’ that postcard stamped “deceased” had reeled out good memories of Jack one by one, savorin’ them piece by piece, same as the real Ennis did all them lonely nights. After Jack had died, in his dream, memories was all he’d had left. And it had taken Jack dyin’ for Ennis to realize what it was he felt.

Ennis fingered the lupine again, feeling it springy and alive against his fingers. Maybe, just maybe, he needed to reel out pieces of the nightmare and play them on his mind’s screen whenever the fear tried to take hold of him.

If somebody looked at him funny, reel out a picture from his nightmare of himself livin’ alone, postcard for company, living only because some stubborn part of him refused to curl up and die.

If somebody laughed at him for bein’ with Jack, reel out a memory of them shirts, holdin’ each other in an embrace for eternity.

If somebody said fag to him, and his heart sped up and his breaths got heavy just thinkin’ on that, reel out the worst thing of all, Jack bitter, losing his last bit of caution, pissing off the wrong folks flaunting it all, Jack dyin’ alone, thought too horrible for his mind to stay on, worse thing he ever thought on.

Might not work, the fear was so deep, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. The lupine looked so pretty in that envelope, vibrant against the white. Maybe the flower was tryin’ to tell him somethin’ too. Somethin’ about if all else failed, if fear failed to fight fear, to think on what that bag of flowers meant. Like a postcard: From Jack, to Ennis.

Ennis started the truck, drove the last blocks to Alma’s house. Stomach was queasy, breaths a bit fast, but thinkin’ on that nightmare settled everything down so he could manage it. Fear was powerful, he ought to know that better than anyone, and maybe its power could help him for once.

Walkin’ up her steps, his heart started to pound, so he dredged up that nightmare image of findin’ those shirts in Jack’s closet. That was the saddest thing he’d ever seen, himself cradlin’ those shirts, proof Jack thought on him the same as Ennis thought on Jack. Knowin’ Jack had put them away in his closet, along with most of his hopes and dreams. Knowin’ he himself had made fun of Jack for his dreams, and weren’t nothin’ he could do about it anymore. Knowin’ the word for the thing he felt for Jack, word more powerful than anythin’ on earth, except death. Knowin’, lookin’ at those shirts like that, Jack’s snugged tight over his, that Jack had felt the same.

The fightin’ fire with fire sure seemed to be helpin’, ‘cause when Alma answered the door, he was only shakin’ a little.

“Ennis?”

“Alma. Okay time ta’ talk?”

Alma looked surprised, but stood aside to let him in. “Sure ‘nuf. You want I should call the girls?”

Ennis shook his head, took off his hat. “Just you n’ me for a minute, Alma, if that’s allright.”

Alma gestured with her hand and they sat in the living room, Ennis fingering his hat on his lap. Alma looked at him expectantly.

Ennis took a breath. Pictured Jack on the side of that road in his nightmare, to get his breathin’ back to something like normal. “Alma, thing is, I’m goin’ to be movin’ from Riverton.”

Alma face was shocked. “Ennis del Mar movin’? Where to?”

Ennis leaned forward, forced himself to look at her. “Alma, I’m gonna ask you to forgive me. Ain’t likely you can, ain’t likely you should.”

Alma was looking at him like some stranger had come to rest in her living room.

“Thing is, I did wrong by you.” Ennis swallowed, remembering the young Alma when they were first married. He examined the photos on the wall for a while. Alma sat silent, hands twisted in her lap. “Ain’t askin’ you to say it’s right, know you won’t.” He turned and looked at her again. “But I want you to know I know I did wrong, all them years ago, by the both of us.”

Her eyes were shiny, and his own eyes stung a little. She opened her mouth to speak, and he cut her off. “Before ya’ say anythin’, Alma, gonna tell ya’ where I’m goin’, and ya’ aren’t gonna be feelin’ too forgivin’ after that, if ya’ were before.” Ennis took a deep breath, then to fight the sick feelin’ in his stomach, thought about the lonely days and nights stretching until he died an old man in his dream. He pressed the rim of his hat hard between his fingers, said soft “I’m movin’ to Lightnin’ Flat, Alma. To Jack’s folks’ place. To work on their spread.”

Alma’s eyes narrowed. Her voice was a hiss. “I cain’t believe that even you would do somethin’ so bad as that. Right out in the open like that? Shames me ta’ even think on it.”

Ennis dropped his voice even lower. “He ain’t gonna be there, Alma, ‘least not at first. But I hope – I hope maybe one day he will come there, Alma, I won’t lie ta’ you.”

Alma pushed up, pacing the floor with furious steps.

Ennis called on whatever strength he had, pitched his voice just loud enough for her to hear. “Alma, I been lyin’ my whole life, ta’ myself and ta’ everyone else. The lyin’ didn’t seem to work to make people happy. I ended up hurtin’ the people I cared most about. Includin’ you.”

Alma’s pacing stopped, and she sat down across from him again, huffin’ out one of them misery sounds. Ennis waited, head down.

Alma said, like it was wrenched from someplace deep inside against her will, “Did you even try ta’ stop bein’ like that, Ennis? Did ya’ even try ta’ be true ta’ me?”

Ennis had to press his lips together hard to stop from cryin’ in front of Alma. She could probably see he had tears in his eyes, though, when he said, “I been tryin’ not to be what I am for twenty years, Alma. All it done –“ He had to look at the wall again. “All it done was mess up everyone’s life.” He looked back to her, saw she was fightin’ tears too. “I tried ta’ not be that way fer my whole life, and all it’s done is caused a world of hurt.”

He looked down at the hat in his hands, couldn’t look at her. He heard her sniff, then push out a breath. Her voice, when it finally came, was firm, but had a softness ‘round the edges he hadn’t heard in a while. “I ain’t lettin’ Francie come up there ta’ see you if he’s there, don’t even think ‘bout it till she’s eighteen. Then I guess I don’t got nothin’ ta’ say about it.”

Ennis sighed out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “Wouldn’t expect ya’ to.”

Her voice sharpened. “Don’t want him with you if you come here to visit the girls.”

“’Course not.”

“Don’t want you tellin’ the girls ‘bout yourself, neither. No call for that, sounds like you don’t even know what’s what up there in Lightnin’ Flat.”

Ennis thought for a minute. Not tellin’ the girls the whole of it would be a relief, and that weren’t a lie. Was that too easy?

“Ain’t no call for it now, Ennis, seein’ as how it sounds like you ain’t sure how it’s gonna come out. They don’t need to know their daddy’s a - .” Alma bit off her sentence, pursed her mouth tight.

Ennis’ stomach churned, and he couldn’t look at her. “Allright. Maybe they can come up, though, in the summer. Mrs. Twist, she’s real kind, wants the girls to visit. We can wait and see though. Jack’s in Texas where he’s always been, ain’t likely ta’ be comin’ ta’ Wyomin’ any time soon. Maybe never.”

Alma was quiet, and Ennis realized he’d probably said too much. He cleared his throat. “Figured I’d drive down here every month, see the girls, just like always. I can probably stay with Don. Maybe I can take ‘em up there for a while in summers if I stay. They can ride horses, swim in the creek, stuff like that.”

Alma looked hard at him, said, “we’ll see.”

Ennis just nodded. Alma got up, went to the stairs, called the girls. They took it well, considerin’, but it ‘bout killed him to say he’d be at least an eight hour drive away. The way he said it, though, he made sure they knew he’d drive that distance any time they needed, would do it regardless every month to keep their monthly dates. Alma looked severe, but he told them anyway ‘bout how they might be able to come up to spend time with him in the summer, ridin’ horses and helpin’ with ranch work, if they wanted.

Junior walked him to the truck. He got in, and she leaned into the window. “Daddy?”

"Yeah?”

“You happy ‘bout this? “

“Well, I ain’t happy ‘bout bein’ further away, Junior. But yeah, think it’s a chance fer me to take on a real project. Runnin’ a spread like that, could be real satisfyin’.”

“Yer friend gonna be there?”

Ennis throat closed. He’d told the girls he was going to the ranch owned by a friend’s parents, the Twists. Did Junior know somethin’ about him more than the little he’d told and that she remembered? Her eyes were guileless, beautiful as always. Ennis cleared his throat. “No, honey, just his parents.”

Junior frowned. “Just don’t want you gettin’ too lonely, Daddy.”

Ennis smiled, warm feelin’ in his chest. “Only people I’ll be lonely for is you girls.” Lyin’ through his teeth like that hurt, but it was a white lie, not the bad kind like he’d been tellin’ forever.

Junior smiled. “I don’ care what momma says. If we’re welcome, me n’ Francie will come up soon as school’s over. I don’t think my job’s gonna start for a couple weeks after school’s out anyway.”

“I’ll come get you. I’ll call soon as I get there, tell you the best way to get hold o’ me.”

“Sure ‘nuf. Daddy? “

“Yeah, honey?”

“I remember Mr. Twist. He seemed nice. Real nice.”

Junior’s eyes were still guileless, but Ennis’ heart felt a little squeezed. “Maybe you can meet him again sometime, Junior, though he ain’t plannin’ on bein’ there that I know of. Livin’ in Texas.”

“Well, I’d like ta’ meet him again, Daddy. Any time.” Junior smiled a smile that reached her eyes. “Think it’s good ya’ got a friend. Yer too lonesome most o’ the time.”

Ennis patted her hand, cranked the engine, fighting tears again, damnit, said, “thank you, darlin’, I’ll call you soon,” and drove off to the trailer park before he was weak in front of his girl.

The rest of his day and the one after that went by in a blur of busy. Next he knew, he was standin’ in front of that trailer, all his earthly possessions loaded into the bed of the pickup, not that they even filled it up halfway. He put the key to the door under the mat like the landlady said, turned to look at what he’d called home one last time. Pretty pathetic if he thought about it. He tossed the envelope from Jack’s bank on the passenger seat of the truck, still unopened, just hadn’t wanted to look till he knew he was really doin’ this.

Last stop was gettin’ his horses from the stable, loadin’ ‘em into the trailer and squarin’ up, task as took but a few minutes. He wasn’t happy ‘bout the look of Cigar’s right hind leg, not happy at all, but the stable folks said nothin’ had happened during the time Ennis was gone, and he figured the trip in the trailer wouldn’t hurt it any worse.

He'd thought on seein’ the girls again, but decided it would only upset them, seein’ as how he only saw them regular once a month at best. That was pathetic too, now he thought on it, but all he could do now was look forward. Seemed unlikely, but maybe this move could turn out good for him and them.

Still, passin’ the Riverton limits sign near tore the heart out of him, thinkin’ on the girls back there, daughters of his heart, his sweet babies who brightened his life. Drivin’ east and a bit north, he passed an awful lot of country, plenty of long hard miles under the truck’s worn tires before he could see the Sundance Mountains far off ahead in the distance and knew it was time to head due north for the state line and Lightning Flat.

He’d only stopped twice on the whole drive, so by the time he came into Lightning Flat, his vision was swimming. Made Riverton seem like New York City or somethin’, Lightnin’ Flat proper consistin’ of two rural roads intersectin’, with what looked like a store with one gas pump, a bar and restaurant the only commercial establishments he could see.

Dusk was hittin’, so there was no time for checkin’ the town out. Followin’ Jack’s directions, scrawled on a piece of paper he dug out from the glove compartment, Ennis managed to find the long drive up to the Twist’s place, and finally pulled into a large gravel area in front of a tidy but beaten-down whitewashed farmhouse. It weren’t quite so forlorn as the place he’d seen in his dream, flowers growin’ in pots out front, but it did have a neglected feel. He saw a barn off to one side, and what looked not much better than a shack beyond that, guessed it was probably that bunkhouse Jack had mentioned.

Ennis had bought a newspaper earlier in the day, and his eyes lit on the date. May 24. Not even ten days since he’d woke from that nightmare. He’d covered a few thousand miles, said more words than he’d ever said in his life, and was sittin’ in his truck outside the house of people he’d never met, ready to start a new life. He felt like someone caught up in one of them Twilight Zone shows that he used to watch with the girls.

Ennis reached his hand up to pat on his pocket, hearin’ the envelope crinkle. He took in a big breath and leveraged himself out of the truck. A woman as could only be Mrs. Twist came out the door, smilin’.

The real Mrs. Twist was older than the dream one, shriveled already on herself, hair grey and in a bun. But her eyes sparkled, blue and deep like Jack’s when he was happy.

Ennis loped up to the front porch, taking off his hat, shook her extended hand. “Pleased to meet you, ma’am. Ennis del Mar.”

Her smile got even bigger. “I’ve been hopin’ to meet you for a long time, Ennis. May I call you Ennis?”

“Honored, ma’am.”

“Now none of that ma’m stuff, Ennis. Call me Ma, everbody does. Or –“ her eyes got softer – “maybe that’s not right for you, seein’ as how –“. Unexpectedly, Ennis’ heart grew warm, thinkin’ on the momma he’d lost those many years ago, and Mrs. Twist knowin’ ‘bout that. Must have been Jack told her, evidence he talked ‘bout Ennis sometimes here. Mrs. Twist seemed to know exactly what he felt, ‘cause she smiled again, said, “Maybe you should call me Evelyn. That’d be nice.”

“I can try, ma’am.” She looked at him hard. “Evelyn. Don’t seem right.”
“Well, you’re a nice boy, brought up polite and respectful. But it’ll make me feel best if you call me that.” She nodded. “Come on in, I’ve got supper.”
“Now ma’am, you don’t need to feed me, I can just set up to campin’ up on that land Jack mentioned.”

Mrs. Twist – Evelyn – quirked her eyebrow at him in a way that hit Ennis familiar. “Ennis del Mar, ain’t no friend of my Jack’s gonna eat cold beans his first night at our home. Nor sleep in some tent neither.” She turned and held the door open for him. “There’s plenty of time for that later.”

“Yes, ma’am. Evelyn. I’m gonna have to see to the horses soon though.”

Mrs. Twist glanced at his trailer, smiled. “Shoulda thought of that. Will they be all right for a few minutes? You could eat, then John can show you the barn set-up.”

“Sounds fine.”

The Twists’ place was spare, but had a woman’s touch: there was flowers in a vase on a small dining room table, a few photos in frames on the wall.

Ennis went to go wash up where he was told, then sat waitin’ at the table as he was told to do when he found Mrs. Twist – Evelyn – in the kitchen and offered to help. She had smiled an approvin’ smile, but said, “Just sit for a minute, Ennis, you’ve had a long day.”

Ennis fastened on two of the photos right off. One had to be Jack, around six or seven, dressed up in some rodeo type fancy shirt and hat, gap-toothed grin splittin’ his face. You could tell from the picture that boy had high spirits, no question of that.

The other ripped Ennis’ heart right out of his chest. Jack, probably a couple years after Brokeback, taken when he got married, could tell ‘cause of the fancy jacket he had on. Those eyes, a little sad lookin’ even then, but still full o’ hope, that little quirked eyebrow, that beautiful mouth. So much like the Jack he met in front of Aguirre’s shit trailer, that Jack as entertained Ennis till he got a smile from him, as bewitched that lonely orphan boy as had never seen anythin’ so beautiful in his life.

Ennis cleared his throat and looked away, not believin’ he was thinkin’ on a man as beautiful, remembering that summer like it was yesterday. Like gettin’ hit by a bolt o’ lightnin’ out o’ the clear blue sky. What was it Jack had said just the other night? Said it’d felt like hundreds of gushin’ rivers when he met Ennis. Ennis felt a flush rise to his cheeks thinkin’ on that moment, Jack tellin’ him the feelins’ inside him back then.

Too bad you couldn’t go back, knowin’ what you’d know later. Ennis had been too overwhelmed to know what he was feelin’ at the time, but now he saw it pretty clear. But would it have made any difference, anyway? Probably not, the world bein’ what it was, and Ennis bein’ who he was.

The back door into the kitchen slammed, and Ennis heard a man’s voice talkin’ low to Mrs. Twist. Sure ‘nuf, Mr. Twist came stridin’ in the next minute, followed on his heels by Mrs. Twist. Evelyn. Ennis bolted up from his chair, and Mr. Twist nodded brusquely, said “Del Mar,” sat at the table. Ennis just stood in place a second, and Mr. Twist growled out, “no need ta’ stand.” Ennis pulled his chair into the table, and Evelyn started dishin’ out the food she’d brought.

Mr. Twist Senior looked different than the version in Ennis’ dream, too. Like Mrs. Twist, more shriveled, hair white. His body was still laced with powerful muscle, though: you could see he was a workin’ man used to hard labor.

Ennis cleared his throat. “Quite a spread ya’ got here, sir.”

Mr. Twist grunted. “Lots of acres. Lazy ass workers.”

“John.” Mrs. Twist’s voice was mild.

Ennis swallowed some potatoes. “I’ll be lookin’ forward to seein’ the place.”

Mr. Twist nodded. “Tomorrow we’ll look around. You got horses?”

“Yessir. Worried about Cigar, actually. Right rear leg seemed kinda lame when I got him from the stable this mornin’. I’d – been away a few days.”

Mr. Twist grunted. “Nobody cares fer horses or anythin’ else the way they used to, that’s fer sure.” He took a large hunk of the roast, passed the plate. “Tell you what, we’ll see how he’s doin’. If we need to we can call the vet to come tomorrow.”

“I appreciate it, sir.”

Mr. Twist didn’t say nothin’ more as he tucked in to the meal, but Mrs. Twist asked Ennis a bunch of questions ‘bout his girls and Riverton. The roast was delicious. Funny thing was, Mrs. Twist had stuck out a plate of cookies on that table along with the potatoes and brussel sprouts.

Ennis, too polite to say nothin’, probably stared a bit. Jack’s mama passed him the plate. “No rule written in the Good Book says you have ta’ eat dessert at the end.” Ennis took a cookie, startled, set it next to his brussel sprouts. Mrs. Twist grinned, and Ennis had to look away a minute, her smile lit up the room so Jack-like.

“So ya’ seen Jack just now.” Mr. Twist’s voice came sudden.

Ennis cleared his throat. Made sense Jack’s folks would know he went to Childress. “Uh. Yes, sir.”

Mr. Twist grunted.

Ennis felt something more needed to be said. “I hit a rough spot. Appreciate the offer ta’ come here. You let me know if ya’ want me to go, and I’ll go.” He shot a glance specific to Mr. Twist.

Mrs. Twist sat up tall. “Now none of that talk, Ennis. We’re glad to have you here. Gets mighty lonesome here. Jack only gets up to visit a couple of times a year. We’re pleased as punch to have you joinin’ us. Hope you stay for good.” She smiled a warm smile at him, passed him the plate of cookies. “Have another cookie. I miss cookin’ for my boy, so you gotta eat for him.”

“Weren’t like Jack gave us much choice, now was it?” Mr. Twist had a funny look in his eyes. “Seein’ as how this is pretty much his place now ‘cause of the money.”

“John! Ennis is our guest.” Mrs. Twist wasn’t smiling.

Ennis cleared his throat. “It’s allright, ma’am.” He turned to face Mr. Twist. “I ain’t aimin’ to do nothin’ but help out any way I can. Ain’t no words I can say to prove that, so time’ll tell if you think I done it.”

Mr. Twist’s mouth curled up a little. He nodded. “Least the boy’s got sense, Evelyn. More than some I could name.” He stood up sudden. “Well, let’s see to the horses.”

Ennis started clearing plates, but Mrs. Twist motioned him away. “Go with John. He’ll show you what’s what.”

Ennis pulled the trailer where Mr. Twist showed him, and brought the horses out. Cigar was favorin’ that leg now, certain. It felt hot and swollen. Jack’s daddy felt it, too, said, “I’ll call the vet. She’ll come tomorrow.”
Ennis raised his eyebrows.

Mr. Twist spat on the ground. “Vet’s a goddamned gal. Only one in fifty miles, no choice. She’s better’n I expected, though.”

Ennis toured the barn with Mr. Twist, then got the horses settled for the night. Whiskey seemed in good shape, but he was real worried ‘bout Cigar.
After the horses was taken care of, he grabbed the envelope and his bag out of the truck, came inside. Evelyn directed him upstairs to Jack’s old room. Climbin’ those stairs, a feelin’ of dread hit Ennis real hard, remembrin’ his nightmare and seein’ Jack’s room after he was gone.

His real room wasn’t much different than that nightmare room, except it wasn’t as barren, Mrs. Twist havin’ placed a nice red rug on the floor, a matchin’ spread on the little twin bed, and sure enough, a few rodeo type knick knacks on some shelves.

Ennis’ heart felt a little full sittin’ on that childhood bed of Jack’s, starin’ out that window Jack musta stared out a million times.

After he went to the bathroom and cleaned up, Ennis felt through his bag and pulled out the grocery bag, tucked in tight near the bottom, and Jack’s shirt, the one he’d taken from him, the one he’d had on in that Texas meadow. He stuck them, along with the envelope, on the red cover of that bed, took in a breath.

He’d never had no tokens of Jack, never in all those years, and now he had three, and he was sittin’ on Jack’s own bed in his own folks’ house. He didn’t know what the hell he felt.

Ennis took a deep breath, opened the envelope. Some dollars, a check, and a little note fell out. Lots of dollars, close on five hundred. The check – goddamn. The check was for thirty thousand dollars, made out to Ennis del Mar. More money than Ennis could even think on. The note – Ennis had to breathe for a minute. The note, in Jack’s school printing. “Friend knowing you you won’t open this unless you do this thing. If your doing this, take this for fixing the ranch and building a house. Don’t be an asshole about the money. Build the fucking house. I want” – only the “ I want” was hastily scratched out. “Jack.”

Ennis put his hand over his eyes for a minute. He’d been so busy, he hadn’t had time to really feel his missin’ of Jack, but now he did, hard and tight in his chest. Their time together – like all their times together – so strong. But this time so different, the talkin’ from their hearts, even the fightin’, ‘cause it was ‘bout things that was real.

Ennis pulled Jack’s shirt to his face, took in the smell of sweet meadow grass, sweat and sex. Couldn’t no one mistake it for the smell of anythin’ but a man, neither.

An embarrassment of riches, all these tokens of Jack. He looked at the paper sack, decided not to even open it tonight, put it back in his bag, along with Jack’s shirt. It was all too much. Too much Jack and not enough. He took the note, read it again, fingering the writing there, then took out the envelope from his shirt pocket with that blue flower in it, folded the note and put it next to the flower, closed the envelope and put it in the pocket of the shirt he’d wear tomorrow at dawn.

He crawled under the covers and thought about the note. What did Jack want? What was he going to write and then scratched out? His heart felt full at any of the things he thought Jack might’ve meant to write – that he wanted it to work, that he wanted Ennis to do it, that he wanted Ennis.

Ennis woke up before the sun cracked the horizon, put on his clean shirt, envelope cracklin’ a little in the pocket, went downstairs. Mrs. Twist had on a housecoat but already had coffee and eggs and toast waitin’. Mr. Twist just nodded, but Evelyn fed him till he could hardly move. Mr. Twist suddenly spoke up out of nowhere, “So you’ve known Jack for twenty years.”

Ennis nodded. “That’s right.”

“Jack never had no interest in fishin’ before he knew you.” Ennis couldn’t raise his eyes to look at him, swallowed a mouthful of coffee. “Never had no interest in none of them things.”

Ennis sat quiet.

Mr. Twist made a noise in his throat. “Jack never was much of a man, you ask me.”

Evelyn breathed out. “John, not now.”

“Sounds like he cain’t even keep that wife of his happy. Always talkin’ on how he might move back ta’ Wyoming. ‘Course, never happens, like all his fine plans.”

Ennis brought his hand up slow to just finger his shirt pocket. “Jack might be more a man than you know, sir.”

Mr. Twist looked at him hard, shoved back his chair. “Well, let’s get to it.”

They spent the morning driving around the acreage, a mighty large acreage, though most of it was goin’ to waste. There was cattle, some land planted for grain, but most of it was lyin’ unused. The “upper forty” was on a bit of a bluff, with a fine view out to distant mountains. Looked fertile enough, the weeds bein’ any indication. A creek ran through the upper land, then down near the Twist’s house. Mr. Twist just said, “Jack says you’re thinkin’ on buildin’ a place. No skin off my nose.”

They came back for lunch, and then the vet arrived. Ennis having never met a lady vet had no idea what to expect, but she looked normal enough, tall brown haired woman near his age, weathered and muscled, short hair, but friendly enough. Lisa Cohen. Knew what she was doin’, too, feelin’ Cigar’s leg real careful, checkin’ him all over, heart and mouth too. “You were right to call, Ennis. I can call you Ennis?”

“Sure thing.”

“Right. He’s got an infection in there, why I don’t know. I think we can just treat it, see what happens. But if it doesn’t clear up right away, I’ll want to bring him in for tests. Let me see if I’ve got what we need in my truck.”

Lisa rustled around in her shiny pickup, came back empty-handed. “Damn. Can’t believe I did that. Can you come to town this afternoon, to my office? I’ll give you a sample I’ve got to get him started, but you’ll have to swing by to get the rest of the antibiotic. Here.”

Lisa handed him a card, fancy printin’ on it, with an address in Lightning Flat. “My office is on the main floor of our house.”

Ennis looked at her. “Can I ask you somethin’, ma’am?”

“Not if you call me ma’am.” She smiled, held up a hand. “Or Miss Cohen.”

“Lisa then. Can I ask you where you’re from? You don’t talk like most people ‘round here.”

“Sure. Everyone asks the first time they meet me. I grew up in Oregon.”

Ennis nodded. “You ever see the ocean?”

“I could hardly help it growing up there, though I lived in the valley. You ever been? To the coast?”

Ennis shook his head. “That’s why I asked. Always wanted ta’ see it.”

Lisa smiled. “Well then you should do it. I’ll tell you the best places. That is, if you’re still here after a few days.” Lisa looked around, saw no sign of nobody else. She lowered her voice. “Most hands don’t last too long here.”

Ennis nodded, looked off to the distance. “Well, I’m hopin’ to be here for the duration.” His hand brushed his shirt pocket. “I’m friends with Jack, the Twists’ son.”

“Oh? Glad to hear it. I’ve never met him. My roommate knew him though.”

“Your roommate?”

“Yeah. Bonnie. She grew up around here.” Lisa looked at her watch. “Well, I’ve got to head out. Come by this afternoon.”

“Sure ‘nuf.”

Lisa expertly turned her truck on a dime and peeled out of the Twist’s drive.

Ennis gave Cigar his medicine, then spent the afternoon acquainting himself with the hands and the work around the place. Mr. Twist had introduced him that morning to Joe and Early, two of the sorriest old guys Ennis had ever seen. After lunch, he met Charlie, the only other hand right now, a young guy with Jack’s coloring, though his eyes were a sort of green color.

Charlie at least seemed eager, willin’ to set to with vigor on whatever task needed doin’. His build helped, too, Charlie bein’ long and lean and full of young strong muscle. Loadin’ some hay into a truck that afternoon, it’d gotten mighty warm, warnin’ of summer comin’ on, and Charlie’d stripped off his shirt. You could tell he wasn’t soft, good strong arms and back.

Really, it was overwhelmin’ thinkin’ on the work and plannin’ to get this acreage runnin’ even close to right. Ennis felt a need he’d never felt before for a pencil and paper to try to set it all down, figure out the order o’ business. Everything depended on everything else, so ya’ hardly knew where to start. Then there was the matter of the money. What would make the most sense to use it on? What would be the best bets for makin’ this place successful? ‘Cause while Ennis weren’t no genius, he could see it was barely hangin’ on by the skin of its teeth.

He checked in with Evelyn, asked if she needed anythin’ from town. Told her he’d move out to the tent when he came back, but she put her foot down, said no way and he didn’t feel like fightin’ it tonight.

He drove the few miles to what passed as downtown, and found a nice little house with the vet’s address on it right there on the main drag. Not that there was much more to the town than that. A shingle out front had her name plus those initials after it as meant she’d gone to a lot of school. He parked the truck and walked up the path. Sign on the door said come on in so he did, noticing as he went in how perfectly that door was hung. There was a little office inside, with a few chairs around the walls, nice molding around the top of the wall. A bell had rung on the door when it opened, and he heard Lisa’s voice from out in the back. “I’ll be right out.”

Sure enough, she appeared, this time with one o’ them white coats on. “Ennis. Good. I’ll get the antibiotic. Any change?”

“None I can see. Took the medicine fine.”

Lisa rustled around in back again, gave him the medicine and the instructions.

Ennis looked around at the snug office. “Nice place.”

“Isn’t it? Bonnie built it.”

Ennis looked at Lisa for a few seconds. “Your roommate – built – it? The house?”

Lisa straightened up from where she was fillin’ in a paper. “Yeah. Where are you from, Ennis, anyway? This is 1983 you know. Didn’t you get the memo? Women can be whatever they want to be.”

Ennis felt himself blushin’, stared at his feet. “Sorry. I just never -.”

Lisa appeared to took pity on him, laughed a little. “Look, you’re not the only one who’s kinda shocked at first. But they sort of get used to it. Or they don’t – I don’t care long as they leave me alone. Bonnie’s got a thinner skin, but she’s a really good carpenter, and can build great stuff, so people hire her all the time.”

Ennis looked through the door at the next room. Looked like a cozy living room, beautiful fireplace with a mantle and all. “I might be buildin’ a house. You think she’d be interested?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself.” Lisa walked to the open door, yelled “Bonnie?”

A petite gal with blonde hair, kinda long but pulled back into some tail or somethin’, appeared in the doorway. She was pretty enough, though ‘round her eyes showed she was similar age to Ennis. “Hi.”

“Bonnie, meet Ennis del Mar. Friend of Jack Twist’s.”

Bonnie’s lips quirked. “You know Jack?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Ma’am?” Bonnie shot a look to Lisa.

“He’s been livin’ – where’ve you been living, Ennis?”

“In Riverton.” Ennis was getting’ a bit offended.

Bonnie smiled. “Now don’t you take no offense, Ennis. We just get goin’ sometimes. I knew Jack, long time ago. How long ya’ known him?”

Ennis swallowed. “Twenty years.”

“Wow. How’s he doin’?”

“Real well.” Ennis cleared his throat. “Married. Down in Texas, got a boy.”

“Huh.” Bonnie looked off at the wall. “Funny. He was always full o’ such dreams. Thought he mighta done somethin’ different.”

Ennis felt his heart twist a little.

Bonnie spoke again. “So, were you interested in some carpentry?”

Ennis found his voice. “Actually. Actually wonderin’ if you might look at a project. Buildin’ a house on the upper forty of the Twist land. Fer me.”

Bonnie nodded. “Sure can look at it with you, talk about what you’d have in mind. Gotta tell ya’, Ennis, I’ve only seen through the buildin’ of – maybe four – houses.”

Lisa said “five.”

Bonnie nodded. “Right.”

Ennis nodded too, said, “I imagine it’s the quality of the job ya’ do, not how many times ya’ done it, that matters.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” Bonnie smiled.

They arranged for Bonnie to come up to the Twists’ the next day. Was only as Ennis was drivin’ that rutted road up to the house that he started worryin’ again ‘bout payin’ for the buildin’ of it, him bein’ so momentarily wrapped up in visions of a snug place all his own. Couldn’t even let himself consider the vision that wanted to come into his head, a snug place not his own, snug place shared with someone.

He remembered the note from Jack, sayin’ build a house, but it went against his pride somethin’ awful to take another man’s money, even Jack’s, or maybe especially Jack’s.

Bonnie came the next day at mid-day. Mr. Twist harrumphed a little, but she got him talkin’ ‘bout drainage and wind stress and all kinds o’ stuff, and next thing Ennis knew, he was talkin’ ‘bout how addin’ a house would add to the value of the property, and maybe he’d finance it himself.

Ennis fingered that envelope in his pocket surreptitious-like, took a breath. “Mr. Twist, sir, this house is somethin’ Jack particular wanted me to build out o’ his money.”

Mr. Twist got a pinched look on his face. “Why in hell would Jack want anythin’ to do with the house?”

“Well sir, Jack n’me, we’ve been friends a long time. Seein’ as I’m divorced, if he and his wife cain’t work it out, he might end up here.”

“In that house? He’s our son. What the hell kind of a thing is that?” Mr. Twist spat in the dirt.

“Well, it’d be up to him. But he mentioned somethin’ to that effect ta’ me. I don’t want to be buildin’ on no false pretenses.” ‘Course, Ennis thought, there was one huge false pretense that he was engagin’ in, but he wasn’t goin’ ta’ come out and say ta’ this man here and now what he wanted to be doin’ with his son, now was he? There was bein’ strong, and then there was bein’ crazy.

Twist scrunched up his face, looked at the sky. “You’re right, he’s a grown man. Or should be.” He turned and walked away.

Over the next few days, Ennis and Bonnie met a number of times, him gettin’ more impressed each time. He had this idea ‘bout could they build a little bit first, but build it so it was easy to add parts on, should the need arise. Had an idea he could work on the physical labor parts to save money. She thought yes to all of it, but started talkin’ ‘bout ‘bearin’ walls and all kinds of technical stuff he couldn’t follow. Fine by him, since his days was getting’ fuller and fuller, tryin’ to get a handle on the ranch. ‘Cause ranch it was, large and spread out, so big there was different kinds of soil in different parts, so big he discovered a whole herd o’cattle he didn’t know even existed on his sixth day there, Jack’s daddy not exactly bein’ a font of information.

He was havin’ trouble with the hands, too, Joe and Early that is. Twist was right, they were lazy sons of bitches. He’d caught ‘em more than once drinkin’ durin’ workin’ hours, and their idea of takin’ care of stock was a joke. Charlie he had more hope for. Seemed lackin’ in knowledge, but willin’ to learn. He’d taken to followin’ Ennis around most days, and it was sure handy to have someone around so willin’ to take anythin’ on. Appeared Charlie growed up nearby, but the family needed money, so here he was. Charlie seemed interested in Ennis’ teachins’ ‘bout crops and stock, and had some potential. ‘Course Ennis didn’t let on to Charlie he thought he was a good worker.

Ennis had been in Lightning Flat a week when the phone rang while Mrs. Twist was making dinner. Ennis was in the kitchen helping her cut up carrots. Mr. Twist was still out somewhere on the acreage. Evelyn answered the phone, said “Jack!” The knife slipped and cut Ennis’ finger, and, cursing under his breath, he rinsed it off in the sink. He missed part of the conversation ‘cause of his finger. When he started payin’ attention again, he saw that Evelyn had a huge smile and the happiest voice he’d ever heard her use.

“Yes, he’s been here a week. Jack? Jack?” Evelyn held the phone out, shook it a little, brought it back to her ear. “Jack, you there?” Jack musta started talkin’ again, ‘cause Evelyn said, “Sure, he’s standin’ right here.” She handed the phone to Ennis. “He wants ta’ talk ta’ you.”

Ennis took the phone with the hand that wasn’t bleedin’, brought it slow to his ear. “Hello?” His voice cracked a little. Evelyn glanced at him, whispered, “I remembered some laundry – I’ll be back in a bit.”

Jack’s voice came on the other end, hoarse. “Sonofabitch.”

Ennis felt a grin crack his face, though his eyes felt a little sting. Seems he’d managed to surprise Jack.

“Ennis?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Jesus H., Ennis, why didn’t you tell me? Sonofabitch.”

“Figured you’d find out when ya’ found out.”

“Asshole. You are the most exasperatin’ –“ Jack’s voice petered out. “I cain’t believe ya’ did it, Ennis. I just cain’t believe it.” His voice was pitched low.

“Well, believe it. I had a little help, too.”

“Help?”

Ennis considered, decided to be brave. “Somethin’ in a grocery sack I found in my bag. Wonder how that got there.”

There was silence on the line. Finally Jack’s voice came, a little choked up. “Jesus, Ennis, I was hopin’, but I was cursin’ myself fer hopin’ again, ‘cause I just knew - .” There was silence again. “Damn.”

Warmth bloomed hard in Ennis’ chest. He lowered his voice. “Listen, bud, I’m here. I mighta found a way ta’ -. It ain’t easy, but I’m figurin’ out some stuff. I’m here.”

“Yeah. Okay. I just didn’t really think -. I ain’t thought - .”

Mrs. Twist’s humming preceeded her into the kitchen. “Yer Ma’s back, Jack.” Ennis searched for words to say what he wanted. “That’s all fine, Jack. I’m here.” He heard Jack breathin’ hard on the other end of the line. Ennis pitched his voice just right. “I’m workin’ on plans fer a house.”

Ennis heard a gasp on the other end of the phone. “I’m gonna put you on with your Ma again. She misses you when you’re not here.”

Ennis handed the phone to Evelyn before Jack could say no more, started carrying dishes of food out to the dining table. He had to bite his lip to keep his emotions from getting’ into his eyes, bite down hard.

When Mrs. Twist came to the table, she said soft, “Jack says to tell you don’t be stupid ‘bout the money. He wants you to build a nice house, not some” – Mrs. Twist’s eyebrows rose in disapproval “not some piece of -.” She sniffed. “Well anyway, he wants you to build a beauty of a house, told me specific to make sure you did. Says it’ll only add to our property value.” She looked into Ennis’ eyes, smiled big. “And he’s right.”

Ennis laughed, an actual laugh from his belly, and Mrs. Twist’s mouth turned up at the corners. “Nice to see my boy’s got such a nice friend, Ennis. Nice to see.”

She’d left the room before Ennis could respond over the lump in his throat, and Mr. Twist arrivin’ for dinner kinda broke up the mood they’d had goin’. Still, it was a happy dinner that night.

Ennis’ days were stretchin’ longer and longer now, hard work from sunup till long past sundown. Bonnie came out a few times, and Ennis told himself over and over to “not be an asshole,” so he started seein’ a nice little house bloomin’ on her papers. Nothin’ fancy, but he wasn’t countin’ the pennies. The foundation guys came once they had a good workin’ plan, dug a hole as looked pretty deep to Ennis, but Bonnie knew what she was doin’.

Ennis went to town to use the pay phone to call the girls and they decided he’d call them every Sunday after their church. They sounded happy, and Junior was all atwitter ‘bout graduatin’ and the prom comin’ up.

Ennis thought Jack might call again after a week or two, but if he did, he never knew it.

It’d been three weeks since he’d arrived in Lightning Flat, ‘bout two weeks after Jack’s phone call, when Bonnie asked him one Friday would he like to come for dinner. He looked at his shoes. She laughed a little laugh, tossin’ that blond tail of hers back. “Lisa’s gonna cook some specialty of hers I’ll bet you’ve never had,” a nice way for her to indicate it would be the both of them, ‘cause he wasn’t gonna get back into any messes with women never again. Though Bonnie was pretty enough, he liked her just fine as a friend. And that’s what she, and Lisa, were becoming, he thought to his own internal amazement, drivin’ down to their house that night. He’d gotten to know Lisa a bit more when she’d done a follow-up visit on Cigar. She was a no-nonsense kind of a gal, not some spoiled city thing as couldn’t get her hands dirty like you might expect. He’d never had no women friends before.

Since both of them were there, wasn’t awkward at all. Lisa cooked some soup thing he’d never heard of before, sayin’ it had “mazza balls” in it, and he near choked hearin’ her say balls like that, but of course she was a vet, so she was hardened to stuff like that and of course he knew it wasn’t any kind of real balls. Turned out they was a type of dough thing, nice and fillin’.

When he made a compliment to her on the dish, she chuckled, said, “one of my favorite parts of my heritage.”

Ennis stared at her.

Bonnie said, “Lisa’s Jewish.”

“You’re Jewish?”

Lisa smiled. “That’s right.”

“Ain’t met no Jewish person ‘afore. Least that I’m aware of.”

“Well, there’s got to be at least one in every state, doesn’t there? Even Wyoming. Does it bother you?”

“Nah. Ain’t never put too much stock in religion.”

“Don’t tell that to Bonnie. Her Dad’s a minister.”

“A minister? Of a church?”

Bonnie put in, “feel free to talk ‘bout me while I’m sittin’ right here.”

Lisa ignored her, went on. “Yeah. Of a church. Nice folks though. Not the fire and brimstone crowd.”

Ennis’ head went up. “Didn’t know there was much other kind.”

Lisa nodded, said, “They seem to feel Jesus meant it when he said love one another. Blessed are the peacemakers. Stuff like that. They aren’t into prosyletizing.” Ennis stared at her.

Bonnie said, “converting people ta’ what they believe.”

Ennis nodded, understanding now. He looked at Lisa. “So you don’t believe in Jesus, that’s it?”

“I believe he existed. I think he was a very wise man. Maybe a prophet. Just not the Messiah.”

“Sounds fine by me.” Ennis blushed. “Not that it’s any of my business.”

“It’s okay, Ennis. Now tell us about your kids.”

And he had, surprisin’ himself by talkin’ ‘bout the girls and what they liked and what he’d done with them when they were little. After a bit, he’d said, “So neither of you ever got married, had kids?”

Bonnie said, “well, I did. Didn’t last. The marriage. Kids, well-” Bonnie smiled a smile as looked kinda sad. “That’s a story for another day.” Ennis nodded, recognizing the look of not wantin’ to talk ‘bout somethin’ right then, familiar thing for him, checked his watch and headed home after a little more chitchat.

Next morning, phone rang early, real early, while Ennis was eatin’ hotcakes with syrup. Mr. Twist was gone somewhere, and Ennis heard Evelyn in the kitchen. Ennis had to admit his stomach had clenched and heart started racin’ when he heard that phone ring, silly thing to have happen, like some schoolgirl.

Sure enough, it was Jack, and he wanted to talk to Ennis. Evelyn remembered she needed to water her flowers.

“Jack.” Ennis winced. His voice sounded kinda breathy.

“Ennis. You’re still there.”

“I’m here.”

“Oh Jesus, Ennis, I cain’t fuckin’ believe this. Now what the hell am I supposed ta’ do?”

Ennis was quiet for a bit.

“Okay, listen, bud, I gotta think ‘bout this. You really stayin’?”

“Looks like.”

“Ennis.” Jack lowered his voice. “I got a bunch of shit happenin’ down here, don’t know what ta’ do, I-“ Ennis heard a woman’s voice in the background, Jack yellin’ back ta’ Lureen.

Ennis took a breath. “Listen, Jack, take some time. Been twenty years, we need time ta’ think on it.”

Jack was quiet, then he said, voice low as anythin’, “thank you, cowboy.”

Ennis heart squeezed.

Jack said, “ya’ cain’t imagine how this makes me -.”

Ennis said, “Yeah.”

A bit of time passed silent, then Jack said, voice a little funny, “Since ya’ seem to be really there, ya’ buildin’ that house like I told ya’?”

“Yeah, got a builder lady plannin’ it, already goin’ up.” Ennis’ lips curved into a smile. “Every time I’m gonna be an asshole, I think no, I’ll spend more of Jack’s money instead.”

Jack laughed, a real laugh that time. His voice got low again. “I miss ya’, Ennis.”

“Yeah.” It was quiet on the other end. Ennis cursed himself fer not bein’ able to say stuff. Put his hand to his pocket, felt that crinkly beat-up envelope, dryin’ flower inside, said, it takin’ all his effort to do it, “I miss you too, Jack.”

He could tell Jack noticed him sayin’ that, from the breath he heard took in.

Ennis cleared his throat. “Well, I’d better get off. Ridin’ fence today.”

“Nice ta’ think of that. Sounds like your kinda work. Ya’ workin’ too hard?” Jack chuckled before Ennis could answer, added, “don’t answer that, ‘course you are. I gotta go too. I’ll call again in a week or two.”

“Sounds good. Ya’ allright? Ya’ said lots o’ crap happenin’ there?”

“Yeah, it’s Bobby, and stuff at work.” There was a pause. “Other shit.”

Ennis looked out the kitchen window. Wasn’t gonna even think ‘bout what that might mean. “Well, don’t -. Just - take care of yourself.”

“I’ll do that. You too, Ennis.”

That night, Ennis opened the bag of flowers. They were dead, o’ course, but still had all their colors. Sounded like Jack had stuff happenin’ in Childress ta’ keep him busy. Irony of life, of course: Jack’d done what Ennis wanted, made a life for himself away from Ennis. Now? Now maybe Jack wouldn’t want ta’ throw that all away, certainly had no one ta’ blame but himself if that was the case. He closed the bag of flowers, put it back in his bag, curled up in that lonely bed of Jack’s. Couldn’t believe he was still sleepin’ in the house, but Evelyn had put her foot down hard ‘bout him sleepin’ outside when it was still damp and cold at night.

Damn. Had he missed Jack this much his whole life? Seemed hard to believe, ‘cause the missin’ seemed to take up most of the space inside him.

One day Ennis looked at the calendar and swallowed a little. One month since he’d come here. Amazin’. The walls were goin’ up on his little house now, Bonnie havin’ reached an accommodation with some guys as owed the Twists some money and had some buildin’ skills. Evenins’ after supper, Ennis did whatever work he could on the house, simple stuff, but stuff as took lots of time.

Weather was warmin’ up so much, Ennis told Evelyn he was movin’ up there, near the house, pitchin’ his tent, and he put his foot down this time. He agreed to her terms, though, said he’d eat dinners in their house most nights, shower and breakfast there in the mornings.

Ennis missed Jack’s bedroom in a way, but in another way he was glad to put up his tent, comfortin’ to hear the flap of somethin’ like canvas, though it weren’t actually canvas these days, comfortin’ to have his own space, though his bones ached more in the mornin’ despite the heat. He pitched the tent close to where the house was goin’ up, and every night looked at how the walls were higher, the details goin’ in, like windows, windows set to look out over the sweep of the land and out to the mountains.

Some nights he sat up late outside, starin’ at the stars, tryin’ not to let his gaze go every few minutes to the Twists’ long driveway. Reminded him a little of their summer on Brokeback, his gaze when he switched to herder goin’ to the spark of Jack’s campfire down below before he even understood why, like a moth to a flame.

Seemed like now he’d let himself feel, was like a logjam bein’ breached, longin’ for Jack spillin’ through him so strong he didn’t know how he’d ever stood it, all those years.

He knew it’d be months till Jack came, if that, October or November at best, since he’d just come to Wyoming in April. He shivered a little thinkin’ on that time, the terrible time when they’d had those words, him sayin’ he couldn’t stand it no more, him tellin’ Jack he was nothin’ because of him.

He tried not to let his mind go to the words Jack’d said, but couldn’t help it sometimes, him picturin’ in his mind Jack’s body under some other guy, Jack’s eyes smilin’ at someone else. Hurt in his heart so bad when he thought on it, Jack thinkin’ on anyone else but him, not to mention touchin’ anyone else, bein’ touched by someone else.

What had Jack meant on the phone, he had lots o’ crap goin’ on? Family crap, or rich rancher kind o’ crap? Maybe Ennis weren’t lookin’ so good ta’ Jack now he thought on it more. Maybe Lightning Flat was a piss-poor idea, Jack havin’ always been a dreamer, wantin’ out o’ this middle o’ nowhere kind of a place.

Wasn’t even his body he craved most, though that was sure a powerful thing, like it always was. Just that laugh of his, him jerkin’ Ennis around, the talk ‘bout stock n’ fence, even Jack angry, ‘cause it was all him. And of course he did miss Jack’s body fierce, he could admit that now, his face, his hands. His hands on Ennis, eyes gleamin’.

In Jack’s little bed, in his mother’s house, Ennis had only wrung it out when he couldn’t take it no more, fast and silent in the dark. Here, in his tent, he could spin his thoughts wider, think on times with Jack, linger a little and let the heat build till he couldn’t help but spill out with a groan. He could remember every time from their bein’ together in May, the heat between them fierce like always, but opened up into new roads ‘cause of him bein’ so desperate. Now, lyin’ in his tent, Ennis pictured himself with Jack, and thought that all he wanted was to say to him, “anythin’ you want, Jack, anythin’ at all.” That’s what he shoulda been sayin’ to Jack all those years, ‘bout everything.

Turned out he wasn’t goin’ to Riverton this month to see the girls. Junior’s job had started up right away after school was out, and Francie had some horse thing, but Alma had agreed to them comin’ to Lightning Flat at the end of July for more’n a week, so they were waitin’ for that. Probably a good thing, though he missed ‘em bad, ‘cause he was workin’ now from before sunup to well after dark, and dark came late this time of year this far north.

It just kept getting’ hotter, Wyomin’ sun blazin’ down fer long days. Joe and Early were off in the far pasture dealin’ with the stock, and Charlie and Ennis were focusin’ on mendin’ fence. They’d taken to drenchin’ their shirts in water every chance they got, or takin’ ‘em off altogether, though that was riskin’ a burn.

One day end of June they’d been workin’ for hours, and had eaten their lunches in the small shade cast by some scraggly trees. Ennis’ hat was over his eyes, and he was tryin’ to get a bit of rest.

Charlie’d been yammerin’ on ‘bout his family, a momma and a bunch of sisters, how one of them was goin’ to college, but Charlie just wanted a place of his own one day.

Ennis let him talk, times like these, and the boy seemed never to stop. He’d been quiet for a little while now, though.

Ennis heard the boy scoot closer to where he was lying. “Ennis.”

Ennis said “hm.”

“Think you’ve got some sunburn goin’ on.”

Ennis grunted.

Charlie’s voice sounded funny. “Here.”

Ennis’ eyes flew open. Charlie’s warm rough hand had touched his chest, and was running down toward his stomach.

Charlie met Ennis’ eyes, licked his lips a little. His hand stayed lightly in place on the skin of Ennis’ stomach above the waistband of his pants.

Charlie was breathin’ hard. Ennis could see his chest risin’ and fallin’ all rapid. His hair was dark, and his eyes looked bluer than normal in the dappled light under the tree. Muscles rippled in his arm as it hovered over Ennis.

Ennis was frozen in place just long enough for Charlie to spread his fingers out wider over Ennis’ stomach, lean closer, and whisper, “Ennis?”

Ennis reached up a hand, grabbed Charlie’s hand in a grip of steel, yanked it off him and sat up, all in one motion. “What the hell you doin’, boy?” His voice came out harsh.

Charlie’s eyes had a scared look, and a flush ran up his chest and cheeks.
“N- nothin’. I was just sayin you’re gettin’ sunburned.”

Ennis still held his hand in an iron grip. “What kinda bullshit is this?”

“Y- you’re hurtin’ me.” The boy’s eyes had tears in ‘em now. Looked so much like Jack that young, ‘cept Jack’d never cried, and Charlie wasn’t as good lookin’.

Ennis forced himself to let go Charlie’s hand, but his words came tumblin’ out fast, voice harsh.

“What is wrong with you, boy, you’re goin’ ta’ get yerself killed. Or worse. I should do it myself. You don’t lay yer hand on a man like that, y’hear me? What were ya’ thinkin’ of?"

Charlie had sure ‘nuf tears in his eyes now, sad sight to see, him bein’ a tough farm boy in most respects. He hung his head.

“Didn’t mean nothing’. Just the sunburn. Please don’t let me go. I’d take a beatin’ first. Please, we need the money, my momma-“

Ennis wanted to punch this boy hard, get up and leave, run away, fire this boy from the ranch, never see him again. What the hell kind of stupid ass trick was that, him doin’ that to Ennis?

Charlie was cryin’ openly now.

Somehow, over the fear and the anger, Ennis heard the voice of the father in him rise up. Without him knowin he was gonna say it, he said, quieter, but firm, “Charlie, listen.”

Charlie had his face in his hand.

“You listenin’ ta’ me, Charlie?”

Charlie nodded.

“First thing is, if you was to be thinkin’ on what some people coulda thought you was thinkin’ on, you don’t never lay yer hand first on someone else. Ya’ got that?”

Charlie raised up his head. “I know, but you’re too – moral an’ all – you’d never do it first with me, ‘cause I’m younger and all. But I’m old enough, way old enough, I’m almost nineteen, I’m not a kid.”

Ennis couldn’t breathe. His own chest was heavin’. Charlie thought –

Ennis searched his soul quick, really couldn’t find a thing he’d done to bring this on. Even if he had, kid had to learn. And if Charlie was to stay on, Ennis had to figure out how to make it right.

Sure ‘nuf, Charlie was mortified now, lookin’ off to the far trees, a few tears tryin’ to escape his eyes still.

Ennis sighed. “Charlie, listen. If I was the kind ta’ be interested in what ya’ maybe were offerin’, not sayin’ ya’ were, and I was interested, I’d a made it obvious. Probably – I don’t know – touched ya’ some or somethin’.”

Charlie looked a little pouty now, but Ennis kept talkin’ before Charlie could get started.

“And if I weren’t, Charlie, and I was like most regular guys? You’d be missin’ some teeth, minimum, not ta’ mention a job. So don’t you never go touchin’ someone as hasn’t touched you first, got that?”

Charlie had stopped cryin’. “Yeah, I got that.”

“And if you were interested in that kind of thing, you’d need to find someone near your own age, not some tough ol’ guy ya’ don’t know nothin’ about.”

“I know enough.”

“Charlie, I’m warnin’ ya’.”

Charlie sighed. “It’s just. There’s just nobody ‘round here.” He darted a glance at Ennis. “Sure do like ya’, though. Sorry I fucked it up.”

Ennis swallowed. “Don’t need to be fucked up. We can forget it. You’re a good worker, Charlie. Smart, too.” Ennis debated, then decided. “I’d be glad to have you stay.”

“You’d do that?” Charlie had that look in his eyes he’d had for weeks, which Ennis now saw for what it was. That wouldn’t do neither.

“Yup. But any more of that nonsense, any of it, you’re out on yer ear, ya’ got that? Yer the age of my daughter, just ‘bout, and if I were interested in any of that, not sayin’ I am, it wouldn’t be with some kid.”

The hurt in Charlie’s eyes was worth the knowin’ he’d cut it off before any real damage could be done. “Let’s get to work.”

Charlie was quiet, and a little sulky, but by the end of the day, was lookin’ Ennis in the face again, and even whistlin’ a little under his breath. For once, Ennis felt good ‘bout how he’d handled a tricky situation. Maybe he really could be boss over guys, he’d certainly seen enough bad bosses ta’ have some opinions on the subject.

His good mood didn’t last long, Jack’s daddy spoutin’ off at dinner that night ‘bout queers runnin’ the fuckin’ country, ‘cepting Reagan, who though he came from Hollywood sure seemed ta’ be a man as knew what it was ta’ be a man.

“Tell ya’ what,” he’d spat out, chewin’ a piece of chicken, “buncha queers, might as well dress ‘em up in pink skirts, chickenshit at fightin’ the communists.”

Evenlyn said, “John,” quiet, but Mr. Twist just said, “can say what I want at my own table, damnit.”

Ennis fought the part of himself, large part, as wanted to squirm in his chair like a schoolboy. Fought another part as wanted ta’ join him in his fag talk ta’ make his credentials clear. Wasn’t like he hadn’t been hearin’ that kind o’ talk his whole life. Talk like that or worse. He swallowed his last bite of lemon cake and excused himself to do some dishes, sayin’ he had some work ta’ do before the last light faded.

He didn’t know how the hell it ever could work out even if Jack did come ta’ join him, Jack’s Daddy bein’ a tolerant saint compared ta’ the folks Ennis knew was livin’ all around here. Figured wasn’t nothin’ ta’ be done now, and the question likely wouldn’t even come up, Jack unlikely ta’ pull up stakes and join him here.

At the end of that same week, Ennis headed into Lightning Flat on Friday evenin’ feelin’ pretty good. The whole thing with Charlie was goin’ to work out, he thought. The boy just needed some guidance, a kick in the butt and maybe a shoulder if it could be managed. Just had to make sure it didn’t go in no inappropriate direction no more. Ennis’d encouraged him to go ta’ some dang fool Fourth of July thing down ta’ Laramie that Charlie’d mentioned, sayin’ Ennis should go. Ennis’d just grunted and told Charlie ta’ make himself scarce, given him bus fare and the weekend off sayin’ it was a gift from Mr. Twist, not sayin’ but thinkin’ might be enough folks there ta’ find someone ta’ Charlie’s taste.

He was lookin’ forward to seein’ the plans Bonnie’d drawn. Seemed like she’d really gotten what he was tryin’ to say. Satisfyin’ feelin’, workin’ on a house. He’d never built anythin’ of his own before, always workin’ on other people’s places, other people’s schedules.

He pushed through the door of the office into the house. The bell on the door musta stopped workin’, ‘cause it didn’t make a sound. No one in the office, so he peeked into the livin’ room, where Lisa had said it was fine to check any time. For a second his brain couldn’t catch up to what he was seein’: Bonnie and Lisa standin’ in that living room in front of that mantle embracin’, but not like the embracin’ of friends. If Bonnie didn’t have her tongue in Lisa’s mouth, he was a monkey’s uncle. And Lisa’s hand most definitely was caressing Bonnie’s breast, the other hand on her ass pullin’ her close down below.

He musta made a noise, because they sprang apart in a way that’d be almost comical if the whole thing weren’t so damn shockin’. They all just stood there starin’ at each other for a space of time, till Lisa finally said, “Shit.”

Bonnie came towards Ennis a little. “Oh God, Ennis, sorry – we never – the bell musta gone out on me.”

Ennis cleared his throat. “Uh.” He didn’t seem to have words to say.

Bonnie said. “Listen, Ennis, we woulda gotten around to tellin’ you. Maybe. Or maybe you’d never have known, most people don’t, there’s no need. It’s just – we don’t usually, this time of day. I just got some good news about my kids, and we – well.” She looked off out a window.

Ennis shook his head. “Can I? Can I sit down a minute?”

Lisa and Bonnie shot a glance to each other. “Sure.” Ennis sat, relieved to get his weight off his shaky knees, and they sat on the sofa across from him, nowhere near touchin’ each other. Bonnie cleared her throat. “Listen, Ennis, you don’t need to use me for your house if you don’t want to no more. I’d understand. I mean, people might use Lisa usually regardless, but havin’ someone workin’ on yer house, that’s a little different.”

“No. No.” Ennis felt a little faint.

“Want a drink or something?” Lisa asked.

“Maybe whiskey.”

They all laughed, awkward.

Ennis put his head in his hands a minute, tryin’ to figure out what the hell he was feelin’. He glanced up at Lisa and Bonnie, sittin’ on the sofa across from him, keepin’ lots of space in between the two o’ them.

“How long ya’ been -?”

“Together?” Lisa said.

“Like this?” Bonnie said, same time.

They all laughed a little. “Any of it, sure.”

“We’ve been together nine years. Met about twelve years ago in Montana. I was at the University. I’ve always known I’m – like this.” Lisa turned to Bonnie.

Bonnie looked at her hands in her lap. “I got married, had my kids, kinda knew somethin’ was missin’, but couldn’t really understand -.” She looked up at Ennis. “I was raised out here, Ennis, you understand, I bet. I never knew there was such a thing, thought what I felt sometimes was just a passin’ thing. Loved my babies to death o’ course -” Bonnie stopped talking.

Lisa’s hand lifted off her lap, headed to Bonnie’s shoulder, but stopped mid-flight, went to the sofa. Lisa said, soft, “She’s had a tough time. Tough choices. We can talk about it another time, Bonnie.”

Ennis found his voice. “No need, gotta be rough.”

Lisa scooted a few inches closer to where Bonnie sat on the sofa. “Never figured you for someone as would take this well, Ennis, though anyone can see you’re a kind man.”

Ennis sighed a little sigh. “Well, guess ya’ can’t always judge a book by its cover.”

Lisa said, quiet like, “Still waters run deep.” She had a thoughtful look on her face too, and her eyes were narrowed a little, starin’ at Ennis.

Ennis felt brave all of a sudden, very brave, looked at her full in the face, said, “Yes.” Stood up to go.

Lisa made a little sound.

“What are you guys havin’ some ESP thing about?” Bonnie asked.

Lisa turned to Bonnie, said “Sh. Later.”

Ennis turned back, looked at the beautiful carpentry in that little house, looked at the two of them sittin’ on that sofa, wantin’ the comfort of touchin’ each other, anyone could see that if their eyes was opened, turned and said to Bonnie. “We might have more in common than ya’ imagine.”

He heard Bonnie’s little gasp.

Ennis stared right in her face. “Never admitted that ta’ no one, ever, ‘cept one person.”

Bonnie got a light dawning look on her face, a soft wonderin’ look too, whispered “Jack?”

Ennis couldn’t handle no more, turned to leave, said “Bring the plans on up tomorrow if you have time. Else I’ll come back next day,” and walked out their door.

If a man ever needed a drink, it was now, so Ennis swung into the little shack on the main drag as had a beaten up sign said BAR in the window, went straight to the stools in the front, ordered a beer. Couple of bottles later, he was finally feelin’ a bit better, started noticin’ the Willie song comin’ from the ancient jukebox, the other people in the bar.

“Howdy.” Man on a stool next to him. Tall guy, thirtyish, long legs with jeans on ‘em pretty tight, hand holdin’ a shot o’ whiskey, sleeves rolled up, could tell he wasn’t some desk worker ‘cause of them ropes of muscle in the forearms. Broad shoulders, probably not a big eater, kept his stomach nice and flat. “Name’s Glen. Haven’t seen ya’ ‘round here before.”

“Ennis. Workin’ on the Twist place.”

“Pleased ta’ meet ya’. I’ve got a stud farm off the highway few miles up.”
“Good to know.” Glen’s hair was longish and sandy, had a moustache like Jack, like them stars on television.

Ennis felt himself relax, talkin’ with Glen ‘bout horse breedin’ and ranchin’ for some time. Glen bought him a whiskey, and Ennis bought Glen one back. Or maybe it was two each, he couldn’t remember ‘zactly.

Ennis was laughin’ hearty at some good joke Glen told, when Glen leaned in a little, said, “I got some good whiskey out ta’ my place. Wanna come try it?”

Ennis stomach felt a little funny, but he couldn’t figure out why. “Come to yer place?”

Glen said, “Shh. Not so loud.”

“Come to yer place?’ Ennis said it quiet. “Why would I do that?”

Glen’s forehead crinkled a little. “I have to spell it out fer you?”

Ennis breathed out, alchohol haze liftin’ a little in his panic. “Are you sayin’ what I think yer sayin’?”

Glen looked a little fed up. He looked ‘round the bar again. No one was anywhere near them. He said, almost a whisper. “What’s wrong with you, Ennis? Are ya’ interested or not?”

Bolt of shock finally hit Ennis hard. His breathin’ sped up quick, and he could feel his fists clench.

Glen musta sensed the change, ‘cause he pulled back a little, spread out his hands and waved them. “Now listen, I don’t want no trouble.”

Jesus Christ. Was everybody in Crook County queer? Sure seemed so. Whole fuckin’ county didn’t number more’n a few thousand souls. How many could there be? Shocked, Ennis heard himself chuckle, a most unlikely sound to his ears.

Glen moved a little closer to Ennis on his stool. “I was worried you’d be the type to slug me, or worse, but yer laughin’, so I guess that’s a good sign.”

Ennis turned and looked at him full on. “Listen, Glen, even if I was – interested – I wouldn’t be interested, ya’ get me?” Ennis let his certainty show.

Glen got him, moved further away on his stool.

A thought occurred to Ennis. He glanced again at Glen. Seemed like an okay guy. Wearin’ those jeans and a regular shirt, nothin’ prancy. Not no secret redneck, though, neither, settin’ Ennis up, he could tell. “Kin I ask ya’ somethin’ though, Glen?”

“Sure.” Glen sounded a little nervous still.

“What made ya -? Why’d ya’ think I’d be -?”

Glen gave him a glance, nodded, swallowed a mouthful. Took a careful glance around the place, the kind no one would notice.

He lowered his voice. “Ya’ mean ta’ tell me yer just figurin’ this out?”

“In a manner of speakin’. Yes and no.”

Glen’s eyebrows went up. “Allright. Well, your eyes – it’s so hard to put a finger on it. Like you looked at my legs just a half second too long. My arms.”

Ennis found himself involuntarily looking at the muscles in Glen’s forearms again and swallowed.

“Ya didn’t draw back when I touched yer arm. Ya’ – kind of – I don’t know – leaned in like.”

Ennis just nodded a little nod, was all he could manage.

Glen leaned in a tiny bit closer, lowered his voice even more. “You let me buy you a drink, you looked in my eyes a lot, looked at my hair and stuff. And after lots of that kind of stuff, and you bein’ all macho and kinda – butch – well, I jus’ kinda felt ya’ might know what ta’ do with a boy like me.”

Ennis choked on the mouthful he was about to swallow. Beer got in his lungs and it took a while before he could think. His thoughts was swirlin’ so fast he didn’t hardly know his own name. He threw some money on the bar, nodded to Glen, said “thanks,” best he could do under the circumstances, drove home with no clue what he was doin’, pissed in the bushes with some effort and crawled into his tent. Tried to just pass right out, but the more he tried, the more he remembered the one thing he didn’t want to remember: when Glen was talkin’ to him, his cock had stirred, and when Glen said that last thing, he’d become all the way hard.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ennis rolled over in his blankets onto his stomach, pushed his face down in the pillow. Rolled onto his back again, no that was worse, tried his side. Bein’ on his side just reminded him of the cabin with Jack, Jack goin’ all liquid in his arms, him holdin’ him snug against his chest, whisperin’ in Jack’s ear, slidin’ into that tight heat. Damn. A boy like me.

He gave up fightin’ it, rolled onto his back and took himself in hand. Yeah, Ennis knew what to do with a boy like him. He’d known with Jack, no instructions required. First time he’d done it to Jack, he’d still been so drunk, and he’d been so overwhelmed, hadn’t hardly had a chance ta’ feel before he’d come, though it’d just ‘bout ripped him apart it was so damn good even so. Had been like a revelation from on high, pushin’ into that tightness of Jack’s, feelin’ him movin’ under him.

Through the rest of the summer, they’d learned the ways of it, learnin’ the joys of slow and buildin’, lovin’ the heat of fast and hard, findin’ just the right way that made Jack see stars. But it was after they’d not seen each other for four years that Ennis had known, in that foggy way of knowin’ he had then, that this was what he was made for.

Seein’ Jack after all that time, somethin’ had happened inside Ennis, what he feared all along, the thing between them overpowerin’ him like a rip tide, pullin’ him down so fierce weren’t no way to fight it. For that brief time, didn’t care someone could see him crash Jack’s body into the wall, latch onto his mouth like a drownin’ man. Didn’t care ‘bout nothin’ after that but the look on Jack’s face, Jack pushin’ him back and takin’ Ennis’ mouth hard, Ennis wantin’ to take him right there in that alley, turn him ‘round and do it right up against that wall, the wantin’ was so bad.

He’d tamped it down long enough ta’ deal with Alma, grab some whiskey on the way and chug some down hopin’ it’d take the edge off, but it was impossible, it was suckin’ him down hard all the way. Jack’d had to go in ta’ the desk clerk, the Siesta bein’ too close to Riverton, and Ennis could see from his eyes Jack was fightin’ the same battle, Jack could hardly walk, hardly talk. Jack’s eyes were glazed, and he was shakin’ so bad he couldn’t hardly hold the key. They parked in front of number 4, didn’t even get Jack’s shit out of the truck, just tried to make it to the door. Jack was fumblin’ with the key, but Ennis didn’t even try to help, ‘cause he knew if he came that close to Jack’s hand it’d be all over.

When that door finally opened, Ennis had thrown the whiskey on the bed, thrown Jack up against that door, closin’ it with their weight, and a good thing, because not one shred of sense was left. Jack was moanin’ and Ennis hadn’t even touched him, hands all over Ennis. Ennis was kissin’ Jack against that door, his cock harder than it’d been for four fuckin’ years, grindin’ into Jack, Jack grindin’ back just as frantic, startin’ a little cry of “Ennis, Ennis, Ennis.” Hearin’ his name on Jack’s lips, man’s voice, man’s hard strong body under him, pushed Ennis over some cliff he didn’t even know was there, and he was pushin’ his crotch hard into Jack, Jack lovin’ it and pushin’ back, then suddenly, unbelievably, comin’ right there, standin’ up grindin’ into Jack, clothes on no touchin’, groan wrenched from deep inside. Jack pulled him even tighter, bit Ennis’ neck hard, and came in a spasm up against Ennis, moanin’ his name.

They’d stood their clingin’ on for a bit, then Jack’d said “fuck.” It startled a laugh out of Ennis, he said “sonofabitch,” and then he was reachin’ for Jack’s clothes, strippin’ ‘em off him, reachin’ for that body he’d known so well, Jack reachin’ for Ennis’ buttons and zip same time.

Now, lyin’ on the ground in his tent, Ennis saw it for what it was, him wantin’ to touch Jack all over, feel that hard muscle in his arms, see the line of fur leading down his stomach, feel Jack’s stubble on his face. Jack’s body had been the same but different, four years older, a real man’s body now, chest strong, arms large and muscled, stomach tight.

Jack had that look on his face still, that look Ennis now knew meant fuck me, fuck me, Ennis, do it, but then just made him wild, pushin’ Jack’s clothes off him, pushin’ Jack onto the bed. Jack handed him a tube with tremblin’ fingers, and Ennis added it to the slick on his dick, Jack rollin’ onto his belly no words exchanged. Ennis couldn’t think, everything pulled down to this man, this body, this right now, view of Jack’s strong back and muscled ass pullin’ a moan out of his own lips before he even touched, smell of spunk and sweat and Jack minglin’ in the air. Ennis reached his arms out, pulled Jack up with one hand, aimed true with the other, and had to pant there at the openin’, so close to comin’ just from that, even right after comin’ just now at the door, he couldn’t move or it’d be over. Jack whined down low in his throat, pushed back against Ennis, and Ennis could see those muscles contracting under that skin, golden in the faint light from the streetlamp comin’ in the curtains.

Ennis pushed in, bitin’ his lip ta’ keep from shootin’ right then, pushed in far as he could, Jack gone momentarily limp underneath him. He waited there to breathe, then pulled back, pulled Jack’s ass up a little higher, then pushed in again. Jack said “fuck!” and Ennis was movin’ faster, each push in like meetin’ his maker, tight muscle clampin’ on him, Jack shovin’ back now, meetin’ him with every thrust, sayin’ “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”

Ennis reached his hand down, felt for Jack’s hard length, feel of it throbbin’ in his hand just ‘bout sendin’ him over the edge, Jack collapsin’ off his hands to his elbows when Ennis touched him.

Jack groaned “harder,” and Ennis let go, let that tide pull him under, reveling in the man’s strength under him, the man’s desire for harder and faster, the man’s leveragin’ off his elbows to push back just as hard as Ennis gave, waitin’ longer than he thought possible till he hit Jack inside just right one last time and Jack contracted around him, hottest thing in the world, Jack chantin’ “Oh fuck gonna die, gonna die I’m shootin’ so fuckin – “ and ended with a yell. Ennis felt the tightness ‘round him pulse even harder, felt Jack’s spunk shootin’ out in his hand, and came in a blindin’ fury into Jack, second time in fifteen minutes.

Lyin’ in his lonely tent, Ennis came with a strangled groan, feelin’ his seed coat his fingers, rather than fillin’ Jack’s body like it should. He saw now what he hadn’t let himself truly see then, it was a man he wanted, a man he wanted ta’ be poundin’ into, man’s body he wanted to be feelin’, man’s strong mouth he wanted to be kissin’ afterwards, like he had that night with Jack.

Where was Jack? Would he ever come? He missed him so bad it was his whole self involved. He missed him in his brain, in his heart, in his gut, in his cock. Curled in that lonely tent, Ennis wondered if Jack would ever see his way clear to joinin’ him. Could be years, maybe twenty, even if he did. Now that he knew what the feelin’ was, how could Ennis wait? The loneliness was killin’ him now he let himself feel. It was like the feelin’ was there, the whole time, but he’d been so good at coverin’ it over, standin’ it, that it hadn’t been felt full strength. To think that this was what Jack had felt, every day for twenty years, like to killed him. He didn’t know if he could do it. It was an emptiness too deep for tears, a yearnin’ after Jack’s whole self.

Jack’d sounded funny on the phone last time they talked, sayin’ stuff ‘bout lots of shit happenin’ down there. Could be Jack was figurin’ out the rich ranch guy with the cabin was a better bet, couldn’t blame him after all the years o’ shit Ennis’d put Jack through. Jack hadn’t called again, kinda strange for Jack, and Ennis thought maybe Jack’d figured out wasn’t such a good plan after all.

The next day, a day he had to work on almost no sleep, Ennis was able to think clearer ‘bout Charlie and Glen. Maybe movin’ from Riverton made things different. Like, people there knew him all those years, so they didn’t see it. Here, no idea in their mind who he was, those who were like that could pick it out, feel it was there. And same for him. There, he was so tamped down, he wouldn’t have known it even if he was noticin’ a man’s legs. Here, now it was pointed out to him two times in one fuckin’ week, he saw it for himself. Could also be that the time with Jack, first time ever talkin’ open on it all, had opened somethin’ in Ennis as well, let his true nature show out through his eyes. Any way you cut it, he had some thinkin’ ta’ do ‘about himself, and that weren’t no joke.

Bonnie came by after suppertime with the plans, after Ennis was already up at the site for the night. He was workin’ on some plumbin’ when she drove on up, tryin’ not to think about whether it’d ever get used by Jack. He straightened up, noticed she looked a little worried.

She nodded, a little embarrassed-like. “Ennis.”

“Bonnie.” Before he could think, a smile started crackin’ Ennis’ lips, startled him a little.

Startled Bonnie, too, ‘cause she said, “Good ta’ see ya’ smile. Ya’ looked a little shell-shocked last night.”

Ennis’ smile grew bigger. He shook his head. “I’m just havin’ an interestin’ week.”

Bonnie’s right eyebrow arched up. “Oh, do tell?”

Ennis laughed right out loud. “Ya’ wouldn’t believe it if I told ya.”

Bonnie just shook her head, and they worked for awhile on the plans for the kitchen, last steps needed ta’ be able to finish the house.

Bonnie rolled up the plans when they were done, opened the door to the truck, but paused before she got it. “Thank you, Ennis.”

“Fer what?”

Bonnie bit her lip. “Fer everythin’, Ennis, all of it.”

Ennis looked at the horizon to the south, towards Texas, line between sky and earth almost invisible in the gathering darkness. “You too. And Lisa. Tell her.”

“Allright then. Ennis?” Bonnie looked at him serious.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve got somethin’ I wanna give ya’ I think. Can I ask – are we right, yer hopin’ on Jack comin’ here too? Don’t answer if ya’ don’t want to.”

Ennis scuffed at the ground, took his hat off, looked at her kind face. “That’s what I’m hopin’ on. We – we been – seein’ each other these twenty years, week here, week there, that’s all we’ve had.”

Bonnie nodded. “What we thought. Twenty years. Wow.”

Ennis nodded. He cleared his throat. “My fault those weeks is all we’ve had.”

Bonnie looked like she might know somethin’ ‘bout that, but just put her lips together. She reached into her truck, took out a piece of nice paper, rolled up. She handed it to Ennis, said, “I got somethin’ for you. I hope you don’t take it wrong. It’s just –“ She looked up at the stars now dappling the twilit sky. “It was something I loved as a girl, and then later when Lisa and I – well, it helped me, and I thought of this part when I thought of you and Jack. It’s kind of personal, but Lisa thought you wouldn’t mind.” Bonnie’s mouth curved into a small smile. “Lisa says it’s okay ‘cause it’s in the –.” She stopped herself, shook her head. “The Hebrew Bible.” It’s from the Song of Solomon.”

Ennis looked at her, vacant.

Bonnie laughed again. “Part of the Old Testament.” It’s not one they talk about a lot. My dad says it’s about man’s relationship with God. Most pastors and rabbis do. Regular folks think it’s about lovers.” Bonnie laughed, then got a more serious look. “People say it’s about a man and a woman, but I’m not so sure. Here.” Bonnie pressed a piece of paper into his hand. “Lisa wrote it out for you nice.”

Ennis didn’t know what to say, said “thank you” just as he was taught.

“You take care, Ennis. You hold onto that hope, ya’hear?”

Ennis nodded.

Ennis stared at that paper in his hand after Bonnie drove off. Somethin’ told him to wait till he was in the tent, so he finished his work, found his flashlight and got into his blankets. Ennis uncurled that fancy paper real careful. There was Lisa’s nice writin’, just like Bonnie said. Had some fancy letterin’ ‘bout that Song of Solomon, the verses and such. He started to read, squintin’ like he always had to. The old biblical phrasin’ sounded pretty familiar, so maybe some of that early churchin’ had stuck with him.

First line read: “By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.”

Ennis had to bite his lip. What the hell? This was in the Bible?

He kept reading. “I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.”

Ennis’ breath was comin’ rapid now. Wasn’t that what him and Jack’d been doin’, all those years, seekin’ each other, but missin’? What he felt was too big for words, too big even for tears. Somethin’ deep inside, seein’ what he hadn’t let himself see. The name for the feelin’ as pulled him to Jack, pulled Jack to him.

“The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?”

The person who wrote this knew that heartache, then, the heartache from his nightmare, of looking for that someone, but not bein’ able to find them. Ennis remembered it like it was real, the lookin’ twice at every dark head that passed, the wantin’ to share a thought, then remembrin’ he was gone, the lookin’ at a mountain and wishin’ for only one thing. One person.

Breathin’ hard, Ennis read the last verse.

“It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me. “

Ennis gasped, there in that tent on some rise of land in a godforsaken corner of Wyoming. His heart hurt so bad he could hardly stand it, ‘cause it was like Jack was writin’ this, Jack lookin’ for Ennis all those years, and not findin’ him, ‘cause Ennis wouldn’t listen, couldn’t hear. And damn but somehow Ennis had come here to Jack’s mother’s house, and Jack had wanted to let Ennis go, to quit him, but he hadn’t. Just like that long-ago lover from Solomon’s time, wouldn’t let him go.

Now Ennis had to be that lover, ‘cause Jack had done it fer twenty years and he was tired. Ennis had to be the one pullin’ Jack to his own mother’s house, not never lettin’ him go. Ennis needed to find Jack, and hold him, and not never let go again. Ennis had gone to Childress, had made the long journey here, and he wasn’t gonna quit. He’d show Jack he could do it, and wouldn’t give up, and would be waitin’ here fer the day Jack could come home.

If someone from the olden times of Solomon could feel those things and do that, then why couldn’t Ennis del Mar? And if the Bible could talk ‘bout lovers like that, maybe the things that people thought of as sins weren’t so sinful after all. Maybe the Bible itself was sayin’ that the greatest sin of all was to not hold on tight to the person you cared for, not to listen when they called out for you, not to look for them if they went away, not to bring them to your bed in your own house.

Ennis rolled up the paper, stuffed it into his bag next to that grocery sack from Jack. He wasn’t goin’ to listen to the voices no more as said Jack wouldn’t ever come, Jack couldn’t leave all his Childress life behind. Wasn’t goin’ ta’ listen to the voices ‘bout neighbors callin’ him names or worse. Wasn’t goin’ ta’ let the fears chart his path. Might take years, but Ennis’d be waitin. Ennis closed his eyes and told himself to go to sleep, ‘cause he had lots of work on that house to do tomorrow.

Ennis del Mar had always been told he was stubborn, and he meant to prove that true one last time.

Ennis swiped at the sweat beading his forehead. It was seven o’clock at night, but heat was still radiatin’ off the ground in waves. The day’d been a scorcher, no doubt about it. He and John Twist had spent most of the day workin’ on the irrigation system. Ironic as heck, since if the thunderheads built up were any indication, they were in for a major shitstorm of rain within the hour.

Normally they’d have eaten supper by now, but they’d both felt the need ta’ check to make sure everythin’ was battened down tight against the comin’ storm. This time of year, the storms built in intensity over the weeks, and by mid-July like it was now, they had a ferocity that couldn’t be matched anywhere, far as Ennis knew.

Had to be at least ninety five degrees still, and the humidity wasn’t much lower. He’d checked everythin’ on the upper lot, tightenin’ the bolts and checkin’ the knots on the lines holdin’ the roof tarp in place, and he’d just finished seein’ to the livestock in the barn.

He looked down at his sweat-soaked shirt and grimaced. Weren’t to be helped, and Evelyn weren’t no shrinkin’ violet. Still, he hoped he’d have time to wash up in the upstairs bathroom and change into one of the shirts he’d taken to leavin’ in Jack’s old room.

Sure enough, Jack’s ma took one look at him and sent him upstairs, hintin’ that a shower wouldn’t be amiss. They both knew the good effects of the shower would be overrun by the humid heat within minutes, but it felt good anyway, and he ran the water cold as he could stand.

When he came down a few minutes later, same dirty jeans but fresher from the shower, and at least wearin’ a clean shirt, he went to the kitchen as was his custom to see if Evelyn needed any help. Tonight it was just carry the dessert to the table, and they were ready to go.

Evelyn said a blessin’ as was her custom, including’ as always a thought for Jack and Lureen and Bobby, addin’ in Ennis’ own daughters and even Alma, somethin’ that warmed his heart, and they dug in.

Evelyn, after a bit of time concentratin’ on the roast, said, “sure do wish we’d see more of Jack. He’s just too far away.”

John Twist snorted, said, “that boy couldn’t get the road under his feet fast enough. Only gets up here once or twice a year, you know that, so why get all bent out o’ shape ‘bout it.” Mr. Twist took a swig from his beer bottle. “Tell ya’ what, we won’t see that boy till November, soonest.”

Ennis sipped some beer, tryin’ to fight the sadness that came over him thinkin’ on Jack. Every day, every night, shit, every fuckin’ minute, he was fightin’ the missin’ of Jack. He should be used to it by now, twenty years of missin’ him, but it only seemed ta’ get worse, the heaviness he felt slung ‘round him like a load of rocks or somethin’.

He couldn’t figure out what he missed most, seein’ as how he missed his body, sure, but more’n that he kept thinkin’ on some joke Jack would tell in that way o’ his, or some teasin’ comment he’d make on Ennis. Even the fightin’, he missed that too. He’d never fought with anyone like he did with Jack. With Jack, it was about real stuff, stuff that mattered. And shit, no one could fight good as Jack, with them words always to hand, those sparkly eyes, them hands in his pockets. Felt good to have a man as could stand up to him, not back down when the rubber met the road. Liked that about Jack, Jack was right, him not being afraid of Ennis. Him thinkin’ Ennis was even worth the trouble o’ fightin’.

Ennis caught himself goin’ off in his thoughts, saw Evelyn had a sad look on her face. Ennis said, not believin’ it even as he said it, “now, ya’ never now. Jack’s been comin’ here all them years, wouldn’t have to, he likes ta’ see ya’, I’m sure.” Evelyn still looked sad, though grateful, so he tried ta’ think of something. He cleared his throat. “Probably lose power tonight.”

“Yup.” Mr. Twist buttered another roll. “Ya’ better sleep here tonight.”

Evelyn looked up from the brownies she’d been slicing. “Why don’t you, Ennis?”

“Nah. Ain’t nothin’ I’m not used to.” Truth was, but he wasn’t going to say it, the sound of thunder, flash of lightning, brought Ennis back to times long ago with Jack on Brokeback. He didn’t mind getting’ a soakin’, a soakin’ which seemed guaranteed despite the tent that’d be around him. “’Sides, I can always ditch into the house it gets real bad. Framin’s almost finished. Might be good ta’ keep an eye on things, anyway.“ Ennis felt bad sayin’ a bit of a lie, that part about goin’ into the house, weren’t goin’ ta’ happen yet, but he knew he’d be fine.

“Suit yourself. Wouldn’t trust that roof tarp tonight.” As if to underscore Twist’s words, a harsh white light flashed in the distance outside, then abruptly flared out. The lights faded for a second, then came back on. A crack of thunder followed a few seconds later. The wind had whipped up, and a shutter banged somewhere in the house. Wasn’t any rain yet, but that would come.

Ennis ate a brownie to make Evelyn smile, then took another to make her smile get to her eyes. He pushed back from the table when the meal was over, carried dishes into the kitchen. Evelyn shooed him away, sayin’ “Put on your gear, Ennis, you’ll catch your death.”

Ennis smiled at her. “Yes, ma’am.”

She smiled back. “Even big boys still need a momma sometimes.”

Ennis felt a need, took a step toward her, wantin’ – something. Reached out a tentative hand, haltin’. Evelyn took his hand and squeezed it. Ennis got out, “thank you.”

Evelyn looked at Ennis with full eyes. “Thank you, Ennis.”

“I ain’t done nothin’.”

Evelyn patted their joined hands with her other hand. “You’re here, Ennis.”

He pulled his hand out, patted her hands.

She smiled, nodded, said, “now get goin’ before the flood comes. Skedaddle.”

“Skedaddlin’, ma’am,” Ennis said over his shoulder, seein’ the smile reach her eyes again as he walked out.

He trudged up the path cut rough between the Twists’ main house and the acreage up on the bluff. Usually he drove his truck between the houses, but this morning he’d walked down. Driving required going straight out the driveway from the house he was buildin’ to the main rural route, goin’ along that for ‘bout a mile, then turnin’ into the Twists’ long driveway. The cut-off road that went direct between the upper land and the Twists’ main place weren’t really a road so much as a path for stock and people, though tractors and other farm equipment could go along it just fine. Wasn’t worth riskin’ the truck for the slight amount of time it cut off the trip between the two houses.

Today he’d walked down, ‘cause he’d wanted to check the path, try to figure what it would take ta’ fix it so it was usable for real vehicles. Was goin’ to be a costly and time-consumin’ operation, that was for sure, and it might be somethin’ as would have to wait. He’d already had a local guy come look at the path, friend of one of the guys as worked on the house. Dave’d been a real talker, but Ennis hunched his shoulders up remembrin’ his funny look when Ennis’d said he wasn’t interested in bein’ set up with no local woman right now. He’d not even touched his pocket, but just thought of Jack, and that’d been enough. Still, the memory of that look sent a little shiver through him.

Ennis swore as he tripped over a rock. He had a flashlight, and it weren’t full dark yet, since it stayed light till past nine o’clock this time of year, but he couldn’t see much in the gatherin’ gloom. Every so often a huge fork of lightnin’ would split the night, hittin’ some distant hill. The lightning was so huge it filled up half the sky sometimes, forks branchin’ out in every direction from the massive main trunk. The thunder was crackin’ sooner and sooner after the bolts appeared, so he figured the rain’d be on him soon.

He scanned the horizon as best he could, the late daylight turning black as night with the approach of the massed thunderheads. Ennis spared a thought for Joe and Early, out ridin’ herd over the sheep. He’d told ‘em ta’ shelter in one of the herder’s shacks if the lightin’ came as had been predicted, and he hoped they had the sense to do so, from the look of the gathering clouds. They’d been herdin’ for a long time, so they probably’d be fine, knowin’ how people got killed dead every year from bein’ stupid. Ennis remembered Charlie, too, and hoped he was safe in the bunkhouse. Sittin’ under some lone tree was the last thing you did if one of these babies came on, which they did for weeks in the Wyoming summer.

Just the other week some stupid herder got killed sittin’ under a tree instead of crouchin’ down in a ditch like the experts said, if you didn’t have a structure close at hand. Ennis had had to stop readin’ when the paper started talkin’ ‘bout the black marks as showed entry and exit of the lightnin’, in this case entry through the chest and exit out the crotch. The picture that called up was so vivid, and reminded Ennis of another crotch as was black and empty.

The clouds were buildin’ fierce now, and a gust of wind near tore off Ennis’ hat. Walkin’ up the rough road, Ennis could see out to the far horizon, dark tendrils of cloud reachin’ down to the earth, full of rain or worse. He could smell the rain comin’, fresh tang of water in the air, and hurried his steps.

He was a few hundred yards away from the house he was buildin’ when the storm caught up to him full on. Pellets of rain started hittin’ the road, steamin’ a little where they hit the earth, still holdin’ so much of the day’s heat. The wind got fiercer as he reached the top of the bluff, and then the rain was on him. Black clouds whirled in the sky right over the ranch, and pellets of ice started raining furiously down. Ennis swore and pulled his rain gear tighter ‘round him, not that it’d do much good on a night like this.

A huge bolt of lightning hit the fields off maybe a mile from the house, and the near simultaneous crack of thunder shook the ground. Huge chunks of hail were hitting him now, and the wind made it tough to make much progress. Sure ‘nuff, he was worried about the house, vulnerable as it was, not finished and all. He’d be lucky if all he had to deal with tomorrow was a soaked structure.

By the time he got to where he could’ve seen the house, it was pitch black. The hail had turned to rain again, a flood of rain. Damn but he was going to be wet even under the gear, wind was whipping the moisture everywhere so bad.

Another fork of lightning hit the fields, now maybe half a mile away. The smell of ozone was in the air now, the thunder a sharp deafenin’ near-simultaneous crack, followed by ominous rumblins’.

The hair rose on Ennis’ arms.

In that brief flash of glarin’ light, he’d seen somethin’ near impossible. Up in front of his house, a few feet in front of the door, someone had been standin’, lookin’ up.

A man had been standin’ in front of the house.

Nobody had no business bein’ out in this weather, let alone standin’ in front of Ennis’ half-built house on a hidden road off the rural route. Ennis felt his eyes narrow and his fists bunch. He made his walkin’ quiet now, approached warily, waitin’ for the next lightnin’ burst.

Sure ‘nuff it came, now hittin’ in a huge oak a few hundred feet away, not the house itself thank God, blue white light flaring at the same moment. The crack of thunder was like the end of the world, sharp and deep at the same time, enough to knock Ennis to his knees. The lightnin’ illuminated the spot in front of the house like it was day, and Ennis could see the man clear.

Ennis thought maybe he’d been hit, felt like it, but then he knew it wasn’t no lightnin’ from the sky as made his blood surge hot through his veins and his breath come hard.

Jack Twist was standin’ in front of that house, lookin’ at it with an expression on his face -. Ennis didn’t know what the expression was, the light bein’ gone again, all bein’ black, but it was Jack, hundred percent.

Ennis pushed up from the ground, took a few steps, should be just ten feet or so behind where Jack was standin’. “Jack?”

Ennis could hardly see, but heard Jack’s voice, faint over the wind and rain, “Ennis?”

Ennis took the last few steps to where Jack must be. Another lightning strike, now past the house and on across the highway, illuminated the night for another second. Jack was standin’ there, hat off, rain pourin’ off his dark hair, soaked to the skin, must be, wearin’ one of them useless parkas, still lookin’ away from Ennis, towards the house.

The clouds in the west were clearin’ a little, so a little twilight crept back under the black. Jack was soakin’ wet, clothes clingin’ to him all over.

Ennis took the last step that took him right up to Jack. “Jack, what’re ya’ -.” he couldn’t even hear his own voice over the fury of the storm. Ennis cleared his throat, pitched his voice louder. “Jack?”

Jack was just starin’, starin’ at the house in front of him. Ennis thought maybe that was wonder on his face, but it was startin’ to scare him, Jack standin’ there so still. An image from his nightmare flashed in Ennis’ mind, Jack, broken and bloody on the ground. He pushed away the thought as superstitious that he hoped he wasn’t seein’ no ghost.

Ennis reached to Jack, reached for his shoulder to turn him so he could see him good. There was more light now, even though it was later, since the clouds were movin’ fast to the east, leavin’ a swathe of twilight in the western sky. Ennis pulled on Jack’s shoulder. “Jack?”

Jack finally turned toward Ennis. Water was falling off his hair, over his face. “Ennis.”

Ennis couldn’t help it, he smiled, seein’ that face there like that. “Jack.”

Jack smiled back, a pure and happy smile as made Ennis’ heart sing.

“Jack?”

Jack seemed to gain some sense, said loud over the storm’s noise, “came to visit you.”

“Yer folks?”

Jack shook his head, flipped a thumb back over his head. “Came in off the rural route, didn’t want ‘em knowin’ I was here yet. Truck’s over there behind the tree.”

Ennis put his other hand on Jack’s other shoulder, held him there in front of him, disbelieving. Water was streaming from Ennis’ hat onto Jack’s bare head, which would be a comical sight under any other circumstances.

Jack brought his arms up, wrapped them around Ennis’ back, pulled him tight up against him, Ennis unresisting. “Wanted to see you first, just you.”

Ennis wrapped his own arms around Jack, tightened them like so many times before. Said, “asshole. Took ten years off my life. You coulda called.” The feel of Jack’s strong body against his, even through layers of rain gear and parkas, hit him hard. He squeezed even tighter, wantin’ to pull Jack to him and never let go.

Jack laughed in his ear. “Not supposed to be here, couldn’t help myself. Don’t have the time, gonna have to turn around in a few days and head right back outa here.”

‘What - ?” Ennis caught a scent over the smell of wet earth, scent of sweat and musk and . . . Jack. He rubbed his head against Jack’s, and Jack rubbed back, moved his hands up and down Ennis’ back.

Jack said, “missed ya’,” and Ennis felt his breath on his ear. All his longing came back to him in a wave, and he pulled back to look at Jack’s face.

There he was, moustache like them movie stars, hair dark with rain, eyes sparkling, though in this light they looked more dark than blue. Ennis’ hand, of its own accord, reached out to cup the side of Jack’s face, the face that got that wonderin’ look back on it when Ennis’ hand came up.

Some of his feelin’ must be showin’ in the dim light, or in the sound of his voice, in the touch of his hand to Jack’s cheek, ‘cause Jack smiled a smile as went to his eyes, took his own hand and put it on top of Ennis’ hand on his face, then pulled that hand to his lips to put a kiss in the palm.

Ennis heart hurt, and he said, hoarse, “Jack.”

Jack said, “I cain’t believe ya’ did it, Ennis. Cain’t believe yer buildin’ a fuckin’ house.” Jack turned his face towards the nearly completed structure. “It’s beautiful. Amazin’.”

Jack turned back to face Ennis. “It’s amazin’.”

Ennis felt a flush run up his face, but he remembered the dead flower in his pocket, remembered everythin’, and raised both hands to either side of Jack’s head, looked him straight in the face, said, “I’ve missed you, Jack.”

Jack’s eyes were warm, but then his face turned serious. “I’m just visitin’. Think you should know that.”

Ennis nodded. “I heard you. I’ve missed you.”

Jack took a breath, lowered his voice, moved his body closer to Ennis’. “Show me.”

Ennis’ dick lurched. He tightened his hands either side of Jack’s face, pulled him towards him slowly, chest tight. When their lips touched, soft, a peal of thunder rang out in the distance, and they both laughed softly. Ennis pulled back a little, murmured “like lightnin’.”

“Always was,” Jack replied.

“You got that right,” Ennis said, and leaned in to deepen the kiss. After so long, Jack’s lips felt like a slice of heaven, right there, soft and warm, pushing back against him, tickle of moustache making it Jack. When Jack opened his mouth to Ennis’ tongue, Ennis felt his knees actually go weak, how embarrassin’ was that, he was weak for this man, no doubt. Jack’s mouth tasted like coffee and summer rain, and took him back to Brokeback and years upon years since, just like that.

It was getting’ hard to think, rain fallin’ all around them, rain gettin’ in their mouths, tangled up together, Jack’s hands pullin’ Ennis tighter against him, Ennis’ hands fallin’ down from Jack’s head to graspin’ onto the back of Jack’s shirt, then one hand wanderin’ lower, wantin’ to cup that ass and pull it tight.

One of them moaned when the kiss deepened again and Jack’s hands went down low onto Ennis’ ass, sendin’ more electric fire through Ennis’ veins. Never had felt anythin’ like this, slow and gentle and sweet, but hot like fire underneath, rain fallin’ all around them, onto them, runnin’ through Jack’s hair, into their mouths, into their kiss.

Ennis’ thoughts were scatterin’ like prairie dogs into their holes, but he had enough mind left to register what he was feeling under his hands. He pushed Jack away a little, it takin’ all his willpower to do it. “Shit, Jack, you’re completely soaked. Freezin’ too. How long ya’ been standin’ here?”

Jack tried to pull Ennis close again, but Ennis kept him held off. Sure enough, he could see Jack was shakin’, not little shakes, neither. “Jack, yer soakin’ wet. Freezin’ cold. We got to get ya’ down ta’ yer mama’s, get you took care of.”

Jack tightened his arms. “Don’t wanna see my folks tonight. Want just you. Came ta’ see you. I’m fine.”

Ennis could feel Jack under his hands. “You’re shakin’, Jack.”

Jack laughed in his ear. “Always shake when I see you after it’s been a while.” That was true enough, but Ennis felt Jack’s hands sliding suggestive down toward his ass again, marshaled the will to push Jack away a little. “Now Jack, none o’ that.” Jack looked blue at the lips even in the half light now peaking in under the clouds.

Jack nodded off down in the direction of his folks’ house. “Ain’t goin’ down there.” Jack’s eyes were determined.

Ennis took in Jack’s shaking, his drenched clothes, the wind on the bluff. “Fine. Ya’ stubborn asshole. We gotta get you stripped and warmed up, though. Now.”

Jack’s chuckle was right against Enis’ ear again. “If you insist. Ya’ gonna do it yerself?”

“Do what?”

“Strip me and warm me up, what d’ya think?” Jack was shakin’ so hard from cold now his teeth were chatterin’.

Ennis smiled. “Yeah. I’m gonna do it myself. You bet.” Ennis looked at his tent, now soaked through despite the fancy new fabric, had a thought. “You got any blankets in yer truck, Jack?”

“Yeah S-sleepin’ bag or two.”

“Okay.” Ennis pushed Jack off him, pushin’ his heat away, not exactly easy, grabbed Jack’s fingers and pried them off his shirt. Ennis pushed Jack towards the door of the house, reached down with cramping fingers to unlace the ropes tying the tarp over the door opening. Had a thought, said, “wait here,” grabbed a couple of towels, a coat, a lantern and some blankets from his tent. He saw the Bible he’d bought in town and spared a thought for them verses he’d read there, heart clenchin’ in disbelief that Jack was really here. He came back over to where Jack was standin’ and finished untyin’ the tarp. It blew open, flappin’ in the wind still left over from the storm.

Ennis knelt down. Thrust a handful of blankets into the doorway, then tried to lay out a towel on the floor with his cold fingers. “Jack, get in here, start strippin’. I’ll bring ya’ the stuff from yer truck. Give me the keys.”

Jack dug in his pocket, fumbling, then finally gave up, said, “my fingers ain’t workin’ too well. Guess I really am cold. You get ‘em.”

Ennis dug down into Jack’s right front pocket, frowning while Jack smirked and shook. Ennis was actually getting a little worried now, but figured Jack was probably okay when he stuttered out “j-just a little to the left there, cowboy, and yer gonna snag yerself somethin’ mighty fine.”

Ennis felt the keys and pulled them out, bein’ sure to push his fingers as close as he could to Jack’s semi-erect dick, clearly present and makin’ it hard to get the keys out of that pocket.

Ennis pushed up close against Jack, said into his ear, “Already snagged myself somethin’ mighty fine, twenty years ago now. Only thing I’m interested in snaggin’.”

Jack shivered and leaned into Ennis a little, lettin’ his head rest for just a second against him. “Think ya’ landed it already, no snaggin’ required. Yours for the takin’.”

Ennis’ dick heard that, all right, and his heart did a flip too. He wanted to turn Jack and kiss him and hold him and feel him all over, but Jack was shakin’ bad now, and the skin of his face felt like ice. He pushed him off again, said “get in there, Jack. I’ll be right back.”

It was hard lettin’ go but he did it, sprintin’ through the lingerin’ rain over to the huge oak Jack apparently had parked his truck under. Fortunate it wasn’t the tallest on the ridge. That tree as took the hit was probably done for. Needed a lightnin’ rod up here soon as possible, another thing to add to the unendin’ list of things that had ta’ be done.

Sure enough, Jack had a sleeping bag and a coupla spare blankets in his truck. Ennis grabbed the suitcase from in there, too. Jack’d need clothes, dry ones.

When he got back to the house, the tarp was flappin’ open and Jack weren’t in sight, so he must be inside. “Jack?”

“I’m here.” Jack’s voice sounded weak, and it was pitch black inside the house. Ennis fumbled for the lantern, pulled his lighter from his pocket and lit it. He turned the lantern higher, the mantle givin’ out a golden light. There was Jack, still dressed, soakin’ wet and fumblin’ with the buttons of his shirt. Ennis could see him shakin’ from way over by the door, and his lips were a slash of white.

“Okay bud, hang on. Just wait a minute and I’ll get ya’ squared away.” Ennis looked around quickly, dragged the assorted sleepin’ bags and blankets into the room through the little door to his right. The entryway weren’t no place ta’ make a bed for Jack. And speakin’ of the entryway, he needed ta’ cinch up the tarp as best he could ta’ prevent more water and wind from gettin’ in.

Jack was just sittin’ on the floor in a soggy heap now, clutchin’ a towel to his chest, lookin’ out of it, shudderin’. Ennis went over ta’ him, reached a hand ta’ pull him up. Jack staggered, but managed ta’ make it into the living room, where Ennis had spread out the sleepin’ bags and blankets. The wind was high again outside, and the roof tarp was makin’ alarmin’ noises. Still, the house seemed pretty snug.

Ennis led Jack onto a towel he’d put down near the blankets, said “stand here,” and started at Jack’s belt. His jeans were soaked, which made unbuttonin’ ‘em and pullin’ the zip down a royal pain, but he managed, then knelt down in front of Jack ta’ try to pull ‘em off. They was clingin’ ta’ Jack’s hips so tight, them and his shorts, that Ennis had to inch first one side down, then the other, and take care of Jack’s poor dick ‘less it got hurt when he peeled them pants off.

Jack was shakin’ so bad, Ennis didn’t expect a word out o’ him, and sure ‘nuf, he had to tell him, “Jack, lift up,” when it was time to pull them pants off at his feet.

Ennis felt a warm feelin’ in his chest from takin’ care of Jack like this, lookin’ up ta’ see his man naked on the bottom ‘cept for his socks, lookin’ drenched n’ cold. Jack might have felt a little of the same, ‘cause his hand came down at one point to stroke on Ennis head, and his voice came soft, sayin’ “I’m likin’ the view” with a smile in his shaky voice.

Ennis reached up a hand to Jack’s, pulled him down, sayin’ “come down here now, Jack, gonna get ya’ warm.” Jack sat on the soft stack of sleepin’ bags and blankets, and Ennis, still on his knees, pulled off Jack’s drenched socks, threw them in a corner.

Jack laughed, said, “S-service is better than it used to be, that’s fer damn sure.”

Ennis threw him a grin, said, “make ya’ pay for that later, Jack. Get in here now.” Ennis pulled up a top layer of blankets and patted the stack. Jack leveraged himself over with Ennis’ help, and Ennis covered Jack’s legs and lap with stacks of the blankets.

Ennis moved closer again, started on the zip of Jack’s parka. It was damn hard to concentrate with Jack’s lips so close, but the man was freezin’, and he did it. The parka was so wet it didn’t come easy, but he got it undone, then pulled it off Jack’s arms one at a time. Next was his shirt, and Ennis bit his lip to work on the buttons, resistin’ comin’ out of them wet buttonholes. Jack was shakin’ still, worse than ever, so when all the buttons were undone, Ennis hurried to slip first one sleeve off, then the other. He was slidin’ the second sleeve off when somethin’ made him look up to Jack’s face, and saw an expression there – that same expression as he’d startled on his face a few times on Brokeback, and made Ennis’ heart thump.

Could Jack still feel for him the same sweet feelin’ from long ago, after all the hurt and all the years? If that were possible, it would be like - . If that were possible, Ennis would never wish on no star again, ‘cause he’d have his wish. Ennis realized he’d got caught up in Jack’s eyes, eyes that looked warmer and warmer by the second. Ennis, suddenly shy under Jack’s gaze, looked away, concentrated hard on that last sleeve, slidin’ it off like Jack was precious gold, or one of his girls, or one of his horses. He pushed Jack back on the blankets, helped him lie down, pulled the top layer up over his chest.

Ennis was about to get up and take care of the wet clothes piled in the corner, when Jack’s hand reached out sudden ta’ grab at his own.

“I’m still cold, Ennis.” Jack’s lips were blue, but his eyes were sparkly and warm. “Ya’ gotta get in here with me. You know as well as me the cure for cold like this.”

Ennis looked at Jack, and warmth wrapped ‘round his heart. He felt his own lips curl into a smile as reached his eyes. “All right, but only ta’ get ya’ warm. “Ya’ gotta sleep.”

Jack snorted. Ennis went to turn the lantern off but Jack whispered, “leave it.”

Ennis turned his head to look at Jack, question in his eyes.

Jack said, “wanna see you.” Ennis felt himself harden the last little bit. The longin’ for feelin’ Jack in his arms grew strong, pullin’ at him hard.

Ennis bit his lip. “Now Jack, that ain’t what this ‘’bout. Gotta’ get ya’ warmed up, ya’ look borderline hypothermic ta’ me.”

Jack smiled into Ennis’ face. “Ya’ undressed me so fine, Ennis. Wanna do the same ta’ you. I cain’t. Shakin’ too bad. I’m warmin’ up, though.”

Ennis grunted and frowned, but left the lantern on, though he turned it to its lowest setting. Grumbling to himself ‘bout stubborn assholes, he made quick work of his boots and raingear. He hesitated for a minute, but what the hell, it was Jack. Then, kneeling up next to the blankets, he unzipped and pulled his pants down to his knees, left his shorts on, though why he didn’t know, his dick tentin’ the front of them so obvious like that. He sat and pulled the pants off entire. Jack’s eyes were dark, and his lips looked a little less blue.

Ennis started unbuttoning his shirt, then decided if Jack wanted this, he’d try ta’ put a little thought into it. He knew his body weren’t bad for thirty nine. If anythin’, workin’ so hard up here had tightened his stomach even more, built up more muscle in his arms and chest. He wasn’t goin’ ta’ do no striptease, but he turned full onto Jack, sittin’ on his heels so he was raised up a bit, and looked at Jack’s face.

Ennis had to bite his lip, longin’ was so strong on Jack’s face, but he slowed himself down and took first the buttons up his front, one at a time, then reached for the buttons at his wrist. Suddenly had an inspiration, brought the cuff up to his mouth, reached for the scrap of fabric at the cuff with his teeth, first undoing one wrist, then the other. Jack hissed when his teeth made contact with that cuff, but Ennis didn’t stop to look, just slid that shirt off slow, stretching back to pull the sleeves off one at a time, knowin’ the movement probably put his chest in a good light, pushed forward like that, muscles flexin’.

He heard another sharp intake of breath, then a hiss, and turned to look. Jack was starin’ at him open-mouthed. Jack’s hand left the blankets, snaked up and ran soft over the cord of muscle on Ennis’ bicep, ran up to the shoulder, then down to the forearm. Ennis sat still, lettin’ Jack do it, watchin’ that hand on his skin.

Jack raised an eyebrow, makin’ Ennis breathe harder. Jack stuck that tongue of his in his teeth, took his hand, deliberate, ran it over soft as light to Ennis’ chest, now risin’ and fallin’ more rapid. “Jack.” Ennis’ voice came out a croak, and he meant to tell Jack to stop, that what was important was getting’ warm. Jack’s arm was till shakin’ and –

“Christ.” Ennis’ breath huffed out all at once, Jack’s hand havin’ brushed, barest feather, over his nipple.

Jack still had his tongue between those lips of his, but a grin was pullin’ up the corners of that mouth.

“Whut?”

Jack pulled his hand away, laughed full out. “Just checkin’ to see if I still got the power.”

“Asshole.” Ennis lunged to get under the blankets next to Jack, took a breath and wrapped him up, head to toe, in his own body. The pleasure of it felt like it always did, but somehow even richer and deeper, shockin’ to his skin, though Jack was too cold, far too cold.

Ennis growled in Jack’s ear, “who’s got the power here, Jack, huh? What d’ya think?” and he rocked his boxer-clad hips into Jack’s hard cock. Jack gasped, but Enis did too, and they both ended up laughin’, Ennis buryin’ his face into Jack’s neck and nuzzlin’ there, chucklin’.

Ennis started rubbin’ his hands over Jack’s arms and fingers, then his feet and legs joined in, rubbin’ on Jack’s feet and legs, since they felt like ice. Jack really was shakin’ from cold, not just from wantin’, though there was some of that, too. Ennis took Jack’s hands and held them in front of his face, used his own hands to rub ‘em.

“Ennis.” Jack’s voice sounded tight.

Ennis looked up from Jack’s hands. He was glad the lantern was still on, ‘cause seein’ Jack right there was doin’ stuff to his heart. “Yeah? Am I hurtin’ you?”

Jack had that soft look in his eye again, and Ennis’ heart seemed to skip a beat, Jack shook his head. “You ain’t hurtin’ me at all right now Ennis. Not in any way.”

Ennis ducked his head, knowin’ the other side o’ that statement, the one as said he had hurt Jack before, in lots of ways.

Jack’s voice came soft, along with his fingers, ghosting light over Ennis’ lips “I want you. What I was tryin’ ta’ say.”

Ennis closed his eyes for a minute against the feelins’ inside him. Feelins’ so strong, felt like they wanted to burst free, come out, had a will of their own. His stomach clenched, and he recognized the panic feelin’ risin’ in him from so much feelin’, spared a thought for knowin’ he’d felt it before. He couldn’t let it out, not entire, that was too much, but maybe didn’t have to pull back completely, maybe could give Jack some of it.

He brought his own hand, shakin’, to Jack’s, still pressed light on his lips, held Jack’s hand with his own, pressed a kiss onto Jack’s fingers, then opened his mouth a fraction, started workin’ his lips around Jack’s fingers.

He raised his eyes to Jack and opened his mouth more, had to take a quick breath, then let his lips slide, still dry, over Jack’s middle fingers. Jack’s eyes were dark and getting’ darker, the lantern light paintin’ his face with golden flame. Ennis pulled Jack’s fingers out, said low, straight into Jack’s face, “want you, Jack.” Jack’s eyes were turnin’ that stormy liquid color like the sea, so Ennis lowered his voice some more, took a breath, said, “always.”

The words hung there between them for a moment of time, Jack’s eyes goin’ even deeper, and then Jack was pullin’ Ennis toward him, Jack’s fingers still between ’em, Jack’s mouth now reachin’ for Ennis’ mouth, his fingers getting’ all tangled up, and Ennis takin’ them in on purpose before their mouths touched, now no dry kiss, but takin’ Jack’s middle three fingers into his mouth and suckin’, kissin them like they was Jack.

Jack growled a little, pushed his mouth up, and then his tongue was in Ennis’ mouth too, next to those fingers, pushin’ in hot and wet, and it was too much, too much just this, then Jack pressed his hard cock into him and a moan ripped from Ennis’ throat.

Ennis pulled back, Jack’ mouth and fingers followin’, but Ennis panted, “Jesus, Jack, wait a minute.”

Jacks was lost, too, Ennis could tell, had that look in his eyes as made Ennis crazy, but damn, he wanted this to be more than thirty seconds.

‘Wait?” Jack could hardly talk.

Ennis caressed Jack’s check with his hand, held his mouth away. “Slower? All I meant. Last longer? I’m gonna go off any second this rate.”

Jack smiled, some awareness comin’ back in his eyes. “Yeah. Good idea. Ya’ think we can? Go slow?”

Ennis shook his head slowly, smile quirkin’ up his mouth, smile he could feel reach his eyes. “Probably not. I almost went off just you kissin’ me.”

“Yeah.” Jack smiled back. He took a breath, got a frown line in his forehead. “Ennis, ya’ came here, ya’ built this house. Wanna tell you -.” Jack bit his lip and stopped.

Ennis looked at Jack, said soft, “it’s okay, bud, whatever it is. Gotta keep that truth stuff goin’.”

Jack nodded. “This is a good truth, though. Guess they’re hard to tell, too, sometimes.”

Ennis thought how true that was.

“Wanted ta’ tell you, so you hear it.” Jack’s hand thumped Ennis’ chest, right over his heart, then lingered there, pressin’ softly. “Wanna tell you, ‘cause I’m not sure you heard it, it’s always been true, always, ain’t nobody never, never made me feel like you.”

Jack pulled Ennis’ head up with both hands on his face, waited until Ennis’ eyes met his, leaned forward and kissed Ennis again, chaste, pulled back and said straight into his eyes, “no one,” leaned forward and kissed him again, still chaste but lingerin’, hotter, pulled back again and said, “never,” then pulled back and asked, “ya’ got that?” and Ennis could only nod his head a fraction.

Then Jack was kissin’ him again, not chaste no more, holdin’ Ennis’ head tight and plunderin’ deep in his mouth with his hot tongue. Ennis’ hands went to the sides of Jack’s face, just like always, held him tight and tried to pull him even closer.

This time there wouldn’t be no pullin’ back, they both knew it, and Ennis gasped out loud when Jack’s naked body pressed into his this time. Jack’d warmed up considerable, and Ennis’ hands went, of their own volition, slidin’ down skin that felt like velvet heat, all over Jack’s strong shoulders and arms, up them again and down his muscled back, down lower where the flesh curved out, sweet feel of Jack’s ass under his hands powerful like the lightnin’ tonight. He groaned the same moment as Jack, feelin’ that strong willin’ body under his hands, feelin’ Jack melt and curve into him and around him.

Their kiss went on and on, first Jack pushin’ into Ennis’ mouth, then Ennis into his. Ennis’ hips were rockin’ against Jack now, couldn’t help it, and Jack was rockin’ back, like they was one ocean creature rocked by the waves of the sea. Ennis felt his legs pull up and circle ‘round Jack, felt Jack’s legs do the same.

Ennis ripped his lips away from Jack, and Jack panted, “how d’ya want – what? Like this? Or – “ Jack closed his eyes, lost in the pleasure rockin’ them together.

Ennis brought his one hand up to Jack’s face again, kept the other pressin’ gently on his ass, stroked Jack’s cheek till his eyes opened again. Ennis smiled into Jack’s face. “Anythin’ at all, Jack, anythin’ ya’ want.”

Jack looked at him a moment, clearly not thinkin’ too clear. “What?”

“What I’ve been thinkin’ on. One o’the things. What I should say ta’ you.”

Jack’s eyes looked a little more focused. “Anythin’ at all? That’s what you want ta’ say ta’ me?”

Ennis nodded.

Jack’s eyes were liquid. “Like the first time,” he whispered, serious, into Ennis’ face.

It hit Ennis like a bolt, remembrin’ that first time, never forgotten, what they always came back to, the joinin’ like that, deep need for both of them. He looked back into Jack’s face, felt his own nostrils flare. “Yeah.”

Jack flung a hand to his parka, pulled out a tube, pressed it into Ennis hand. “One improvement,” Jack gasped out as he rolled, pressin’ that hot ass up against Ennis the whole way, rubbin’ back against him, grabbin’ Ennis’ hands as he rolled so he ended up belly down, Ennis on top.

Ennis had to take some breaths, he was so close to goin’ off right like that. Splayed out over Jack’s back he nuzzled in the hair at his neck, licked at his ear. Jack tasted like rain and open air and salt and - . “Christ. What you do ta’ me, Jack.”

Jack pushed his ass up, but soft, rubbed it sideways across Ennis’ rock-hard dick, twisted his face to the side and back, searching for Ennis’ mouth.

Ennis craned down to Jack’s mouth, tangled his tongue with his, pulled back and whispered, “’nother improvement,” then ducked back in for more, Jack now moanin’ a little in his mouth, moanin’ around his tongue, Ennis’ hips rockin’ harder against Jack now, flattenin’ him down into the ground. Ennis could feel Jack startin’ to press his dick into the sleepin’ bag under him, and he moved his mouth back to Jack’s ear, whispered, soft and gentle, “wait fer me, Jack, “ and Jack gasped, stoppin’ the movement of his hips, his muscles strainin’ to keep still under Ennis.

Ennis wanted to kiss Jack some more, so he did, kissin’ the hair at his neck, kissin’ the mouth that still sought his after all these years, kissin’ the side of his face, kissin’ his shoulders, lovin’ the taste of salt under his tongue. His hips were rockin’ against Jack, startin’ up a rhythm, Jack rockin’ back, soft like the sea. All his insides were wantin’ to flow out, flow into Jack, around Jack, be surrounded by Jack. His own heart was beatin’ fast in his ear, he was so close, just on the edge.

Jack moaned, “not goin’ ta’ last,” and stopped his movin’, catchin’ Ennis by surprise right on the edge of comin’ himself. Ennis said “oh shit,” and forced his hips to stop, stayed still, hoverin’ over Jack, pantin’ for control. Jack’s hand snaked up, found Ennis’ face, pressed light into Ennis’ cheek, stroked it so soft. Jack whispered, “s’alright, shh, just wait a minute, Ennis.” Ennis dropped his head down to rest on Jack’s, let his sweat drop into Jack’s hair.

After he breathed for a while, Ennis grabbed the tube, opened it with shakin’ fingers, still splayed out flat against Jack. He raised up on his knees, all the way up ta’ kneelin’, took his coated fingers and ran them, soft, down Jack’s beautiful ass, pressin’ into the crack, findin’ the hole and pressin’ in a finger, gentle and sweet, just a little in, then more. Jack’d gone quiet, but his muscles were strainin’ to hold still, those beautiful ass cheeks clenched, thigh muscles tremblin’.

Ennis ran a hand down one cheek and thigh, and Jack moaned, a full-out moan this time. Ennis brought the hand back, ran it light down his other flank, watched Jack’s hips rise to meet it, pushed another finger in right at that moment. Jack’s back was shiny with sweat now, accenting the muscle, muscle that flexed as Jack writhed around those fingers.

Ennis ran his hand up now, pressed down on the small of Jack’s back, pinning him in place, while those two fingers sought their target and – “Ahh!” Jack groaned, a deep groan as came from pleasure not to be denied, pleasure as made a man groan despite himself. Ennis wondered if he could make Jack spill just like this, thought maybe he could, but Jack must’ve sensed his thoughts in that way he did, ‘cause Jack grated out, “yer cock, Ennis, now. Fuck! Gonna make me come like this.” Ennis wanted to so bad, why hadn’t he ever done that before, watchin’ like this, seein’ the beauty of Jack’s body under him, feelin’ the power of playin’ with him like this, lovin’ those muscles and the sweat and the clench around his fingers.

And why not say it, just a little of it, couldn’t he be man enough to at least do that, so Ennis twisted his fingers one last time before pullin’ them out, got one last “Christ” and a deep moan, said into Jack’s ear, “want to so bad, Jack, make you come like that, gonna do that soon, you look so - .” But he couldn’t finish the sentence, ‘cause he’d brought his cock to Jack’s hole and pushed a little, and the world was blackin’ out ‘round the edges, the feelin’ was so sweet and hot, he could die right here.

Now he was the one sayin’ “fuck,” then “Oh God,” and Jack was pantin’ hard, right on the edge too, then Ennis was thrustin’ in, didn’t need to slick himself, Jack was wet and Ennis had slick already, so much, and Ennis couldn’t see no more house, no more lantern light, no more Jack even, just could feel that tight heat clenchin’ ‘round him, hear Jack moanin’ under him, smell that scent of Jack sweat and sex, manly and strong.

Then Ennis heard Jack’s voice, hoarse and hot, sayin’ “do it Ennis, like the first time,” and Ennis was lost, pushin’ in hard, haulin’ Jack’s hips up for a better angle, Jack comin’ with him willin’. Then Ennis was pullin’ out and crashin’ in, pushin’ in so deep, and Jack was meetin’ him every thrust, pushin’ back for more, not sayin’ words any more, but just sayin’ nonsense and moanin’, then yellin’ when Ennis snaked his hand ‘round, somehow findin’ Jack’s cock, oh god so hard and heavy in his hand, always loved that cock. Then Ennis was poundin’ into him and Jack was yellin’, head flung back, come shootin’ all over Ennis’ hand, Jack convulsin’ in Ennis arms, around his dick, and Ennis was comin’, comin’ into Jack so hard he was gonna die, shootin’ and shootin’ so deep felt like they’d never come undone, yellin’ out his ecstasy into Jack’s hair, then collapsin’ on top of Jack, still inside, never gonna leave, never comin’ away.

After a long time of blackness, buried in Jack’s hair, golden light started slowly flickerin’ into Ennis’ sight. He tightened his arms ‘round Jack, roused himself to kiss his nape again, slid carefully out, slid carefully off, arms and legs still ‘round him. Jack was still and silent.

Ennis whispered, “Ya’ okay?” and Jack nodded, then turned his head towards Ennis, huffed out a chuckle. “I’d say so. Jesus Christ.”

Ennis nodded. “Yeah. Doesn’t seem ta’ go away.”

“Nope. Stronger, even.” Jack looked away, looked afraid he’d said too much tonight.

Ennis thought on what they’d said to each other at that Texas cabin. Wasn’t like they hadn’t said a lot, but it didn’t seem to get much easier for either of them. Still - . “Yup. Stronger fer sure.” Jack turned his face back. Ennis swallowed. “Never felt nothin’ like it, Jack.” Now Ennis had to look away.

Jack nuzzled at his cheek with his own. “Hey.”

Ennis looked back at him. Jack’s eyes were open, clear. Ennis’ heart twisted, his chest felt tight. He wanted to tell Jack, to say the things he’d been thinkin’ on. But his throat was clenched tight, his heart beatin’ fast, he was afraid. Fear again, goddamnit. Wasn’t like Jack didn’t already know, but still, words was powerful.

Jack smiled, moved his body a little, and Ennis moved his, and they were still wrapped together, arms and legs ‘round each other, but not quite so close. Jack said, “think we wrecked this sleepin’ bag under me,” and Ennis laughed, lovin’ the feelin’ of laughter bubblin’ up from inside.

“Now whose fault is that, Jack, huh?” Jack laughed, happy out loud laugh, and Ennis chuckled too. “Maybe we should give it to yer momma to wash.”

Jack cackled. “Not in this life. My momma -. Fuck. That’s an image.” Jack turned onto his back, grimacing when he hit the wet spot, reachin’ for Ennis and pullin’ him on top of his chest. “How is my momma? “

“Yer momma.” Ennis felt a smile curl on his face. “Yer momma’s good. She’s always doin’ for me. She misses you, Jack. I think she misses you a lot. Too good a person to say it, though, make you feel bad.”

Jack kissed the top of Ennis’ head. “Yeah. Why I come ta’ visit. Sure ain’t ta’ see the old man.”

Ennis rubbed his cheek against Jack’s chest. Felt so good, smelt good too, Jack warm under him like this. He could rest against that skin forever, never want for more. “Yup, can see that. Still, he is yer daddy.”

Jack’s voice was bitter. “Just ‘cause yer spunk made a kid don’t mean yer a daddy. Takes more’n that.”

Ennis turned his head up, lifted his neck a little, brushed his lips on Jack’s, settled back down onto his chest. “Hmm. I think he misses you too. Regrets some things.”

Jack’s voice got hard. “That man don’t regret nothin’, ‘cept havin’ me for his son. I weren’t never what he wanted.”

Ennis stroked Jack’s arm. “Not sure what he says bears much relation to what he thinks. Strikes me that way, but I don’ know. Bastard, fer sure. Just not sure which kind.”

Ennis felt Jack’s muscles tensing underneath him. He cleared his throat. “Well, anyway, I think - . I think yer momma knows. ‘Bout you. ‘Bout us, even.”

Jack snorted. “Nah, ain’t no way. She’s country raised, gets three channels on the t.v. at best, reads the local rag. I’m married, got Bobby. She’s got no conception.”

Now it was Ennis’ turn to snort. “Think what ya’ want, Jack. I’m tellin’ ya’, she knows. Every time you call, she leaves ta’ do somethin’.”

“Aw, she’s just givin’ you privacy.”

Ennis raised up on an elbow, looked down into Jack’s face. “Tell me this, Mr. Know It All, why the hell would two guys as is fishin’ buddies, one guy helpin’ run the ranch, need privacy? Ta’ talk ‘bout crop rotation? Breedin’ the stock?” Ennis snorted into Jack’s face. “Well, at any rate, she’s somethin’ else. Always puttin’ out dessert before dinner. No beans for her. She wants chocolate, that’s what she makes. Got your smile.” Ennis felt a warm flush on his cheeks, realizin’ what he’d let out, looked off to the corner of the room for a minute before he could look back.

Jack’d cracked a grin. “My smile, huh? Maybe I got hers.”

Ennis rolled his eyes. “What I meant. Forget it.”

Jack’s eyes went all warm, and his hand went up to cradle the side of Ennis’ face. His voice came out soft. “I don’t need no sweet talk, but I sure ain’t opposed ta’ it.”

Ennis grunted, lay down on Jack again. “Yeah, well, don’t get used ta’ it.” He squeezed his arms righter ‘round Jack though, same time as he said it, and Jack laughed into his hair, so he knew Jack understood.

Ennis felt sleep startin’ to nip at his edges, he’d been up since before five a.m. and it must be close on to midnight now, but he had a question, big question, layin’ on his heart, so he took a breath and asked it. “Why you here anyway, Jack?”

Jack brought a hand to Ennis’ hair, started twistin’ the curls around his ear and on his nape. “Couldn’t help it.”

“What d’ya mean?”

“When I figured out ya’ really came, ya’ were really here - . “ Jack stopped talkin’. Ennis raised up on his elbow again, tried to catch Jack’s eyes. Jack was lookin’ off to the corner of the room, a corner lost in the shadows left dark by the lantern’s circle of light.

“Jack.” Ennis’ pitched his voice soft.

Jack turned back, looked Ennis in the face, not hidin’ the feelin’ in his eyes. “At first, I couldn’t really believe it. I mean, it really seemed impossible. Then I thought it wouldn’t last, you wouldn’t last a day with my daddy, or knowin’ what people might think. So I didn’t let myself really believe it, I guess.”

Now Ennis had to look to those shadowed corners, swallow over the guilt he’d carry with him the rest of his life. Jack’s voice fell to a whisper. “When ya’ were still here, when I knew you were buildin’ this house, I – I didn’t know what ta’ do.” Jack breathed out a laugh. “Still don’t, I guess. Still think any minute, ya’ might take off.”

Ennis kept his gaze steady, nodded a fraction, said “don’t intend to, but understand ya’ sayin’ it.”

“Anyone said faggot yet?” Jack’s voice caught a little on the word.

Ennis winced, hated himself for it. “Nah. But you and I both know that kinda thing could get goin’ good and proper any time. With just me here, it’s not so bad. Coupla people asked questions ‘bout it.” Ennis pressed his lips together. “They seemed fine with the we’re old friends, me needin’ a place, reason.”

Jack nodded. “So you get it, that this might not be the real test. Real test might be if I ever came up here. Ta’ live.”

“I get it, allright. You bet.” Ennis knew his face was grim, but his heart was leapin’ on the picture Jack’s words painted, him comin’ here to live.

“Not that this ain’t been a test. Worse than a test. More important than a test.” Jack’s voice softened. “More amazin’ than anythin’ you ever done.”

“Then why’re you here?” Ennis was up on his elbow again, lookin’ down into Jack’s face.

Jack looked right at him this time. “Here because it just didn’t seem right, you doin’ this, and me not comin’ t’at least let you know I got it. What you done. What you’re doing. Didn’t want ta’ string ya’ along just for the sake of it, you not knowing I appreciated it.”

Ennis felt that empty ache, the one he felt every day, rise up strong inside him. He pressed his lips together tight against the feelin’, nodded sharp.

Jack ‘s eyes took on a haunted look. “You really stayin’, Ennis? Fer good, I mean? How will I know if ya’ can go the distance?”

Ennis knew there was stuff Jack wasn’t sayin’, stuff he was figurin’ out ‘bout his life, he could tell. How could he know he could go the distance, when he hadn’t been really tested yet? He wanted Jack here with an ache that was real, was in his bones. Did he know, for absolute certain, he could do it? ‘Cause Jack couldn’t take no more of Ennis’ shit, even Ennis could see Jack wasn’t doin’ too well, getting’ that look ‘round his eyes like that again.

“I think.” Ennis had to clear his throat. Jack’s eyes were troubled. “I think I ain’t lettin’ this go again. Ain’t lettin’ go. “ He took a breath. “I’ll be here. Ain’t gonna lie, Jack, I know it’s been easy so far, bound to get harder. If you can call what I done so far easy. “ Ennis looked out to the dark corners of the room, thinkin’ on Riverton, and the girls and woman he’d had to tell this to there. Thinkin’ on his pride, and havin’ to tell people, over and over, how he was movin’ to his friend’s place. Ennis remembered the lonely nights, the lookin’ at the road for Jack to come. He cleared his throat again. “And this thing – well, I’ve thought on it, and it’s not goin’ away, not fer me.”

“This thing.” Jack’s voice was flat.

Ennis reached out a hand, cradled Jack’s cheek, whispered, “this thing as calls me to ya’.” Jack’s eyes were deep and dark, shocked lookin’ now.

“I want this, Ennis.” Jack’s voice was the softest whisper. “I want this more’n I want ta’ say. Why I agreed to it. But I never thought - .” Ennis put his forehead down to Jack’s, Jack havin’ trouble keepin’ the tremble out of his voice. “I never thought you’d be able ta’ do it. Knew you wanted to, knew you meant to, seemed impossible you’d actually do it.”

Ennis nodded, there with his forehead right on Jack’s. “Wasn’t easy. Tellin’ Alma - .”

Ennis felt Jack’s forehead crinkle. “You told Alma?”

“Yup. Said sorry, too.”

“We were so young, so scared, we didn’t know any other way.”

Ennis nodded. “That’s true. But that don’t mean I didn’t hurt her, hurt her bad. Took a lot of years from her life.”

Jack pulled Ennis down now, cradled him on his chest in their old way. “I’m impressed ya’ told Alma. She treat you allright?”

“Yeah.” Ennis sighed. “I hurt her bad, Jack, can’t deny that. She put up a fuss ‘bout the girls, but it wasn’t nothin’. She – she wanted to know had I even tried not to be like this.”

“What did you say?”

Ennis snorted. “Told her I’d spent my whole life tryin’ ta’ not be like this, all that’d done was cause a world of hurt to lots o’ folks.” His voice might have trembled a little there at the end, but this was Jack, so it was allright.

Jack just drew his arms tighter ‘round Ennis and squeezed, put a soft kiss in his hair.

When Ennis lifted his head again to look at Jack, he could see Jack was fadin’ out now, eyes closin’ every few seconds. Ennis could tell he was fightin’ exhaustion. “You drive straight through, Jack?”

“Yeah. Stopped twice.”

“You need ta’ sleep. I gotta get up before first light, see ta’ the ranch.”

Jack’s eyes were shut, but he smiled a little. “It’s a ranch now?”

Ennis said, “guess so. Big enough. Jack.”

“Hmm?”

“What’re you gonna do tomorrow?”

Jack chuckled. “Just show up I guess. Ain’t none of their business.”

Ennis sighed. “Jack, ain’t no profit in rubbin’ their face in it. Just act like you was drivin’ all night.”

“I ain’t stayin’ in their house.”

“I remember. Stayin’ in the cat piss pup tent.”

“You remember everythin’ I ever said?”

“Yup, pretty much.”

“So what do ya’ think I should do?”

“Say you just got here, go take a shower, stay in their house at night. Stay there this time. When the house is finished, and you come visit, won’t look as funny fer you ta’ stay here.”

Jack looked mad, then a glint came into his eye. “I’ve got a better idea.”

Ennis rolled his eyes. “Oh, shit, a Jack Twist idea. Great. What?”

Jack smirked. “I’m gonna take you out on the town tomorrow night.”

“There ain’t no town.” Ennis was smirkin’ himself now.

“That’s the point. We’ll tell ‘em when we get ta’ drinkin’ and talkin’ and all, could be out all night.” Jack was grinnin’.

“You remember that?”

“I remember ‘most everythin’ too, Ennis. I have a place I wanna take you, anyway.”

“Oh hell. Jack Twist wants ta’ take me somewhere. Ain’t it enough I moved out here? Now I gotta go somewhere else with you?”

Jack chuckled. “You complainin’ already? Ain’t the service good enough ‘round here? I’ve been here a coupla hours and you’re already bitchin’ at me?”

Ennis was laughin’ all out now. “Yeah. I’m bitchin’ at you. What’re ya’ gonna do about it?”

Jack started laughin’ too, sweetest sound to Ennis’ ears.

After a bit their laughter died down, and Ennis had to kiss those lips again, murmured after a long sweet dive into Jack’s mouth, “sweeter than wine.”

Jack said, “huh?”

Ennis said, “nothin’.”

Jack grunted, and Ennis asked “How long ya’ gonna be here, Jack?” Ennis hated himself for askin’, but couldn’t help it.

“Got a few days. Five or six maybe.”

“Hmm.” Ennis squeezed Jack tight, silencin’ the questions pushin’ at his mouth.

Jack snugged even closer, seemed to read Ennis thoughts. “I came for a bunch o’ reasons. All of ‘em bearin’ on you.”

An arrow of fear lanced Ennis. “You ain’t - ?” His voice got choked.

“Ain’t what?” Jack pulled his eyes open.

Ennis felt embarrassment wash through him. Why’d his traitor mouth have to go and reveal his weaknesses. Weak like some woman over Jack. “Nothin’.”

His voice musta come out harsh, ‘cause Jack’s eyes were all the way open now. “How m’I supposed ta’ know what ya’ got goin’ on in that thick skull o’yers if ya’ don’t tell me?”

Ennis looked at the lantern, still castin’ its warm glow ‘round the room, took a breath, said to the lantern, “whether you want me gone. Why else would ya’ come so soon, can’t be good news. Good news never comes early.”

Jack laughed, right in his face. “You make that sayin’ up on the spot?” Jesus, Ennis, yer the worst pessimist I ever knew. You think I’d come here, and – and have ya’ screw me, then tell ya’ after somethin’ like that?”

Ennis felt the heat on his own face. “I guess – nah, ‘course not. It’s just – I’m not used ta’ this, Jack. You were always the one - .” Ennis swallowed.

“Waitin’ on you.” Jack finished his sentence, not hidin’ the bitterness still there.

Ennis nodded slow.

Jack grimaced. “Ain’t gonna turn it ‘round on you, Ennis, told ya’ that, don’t wanna make you suffer like me, ain’t no point. It’s just – it’s all so new, I’m sortin’ some stuff out. Some o’ why I came, ta’ talk ta’ you about it.”

Ennis nodded. “I suffered too durin’ that time, Jack, you know that, right? I – every day. Not sayin’ I did right, but you know how I felt?”

Jack nodded. “I know it, I get that.”

Ennis lay his head down again. “Allright then. You should sleep. Lotsa time ta’ talk.”

Jack stroked Ennis’ hair, and Ennis felt him nod. His voice came exhausted into Ennis’ ear, barest whisper on the verge of sleep. “Our house is beautiful.”

Ennis’ heart leapt. He snugged his head tighter under Jack’s chin and let himself drift into sweet sleep. He didn’t think no nightmares were comin’ tonight.

(Continued in next Chapter)