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Jimin clutches his knee in pain, his mouth opened in a silent scream. He didn’t bump this knee against the table too hard for him to silently cry inside, but it still hurts, and he rubs on his knee to help ease the pain. He could say it was mostly the caffeine’s fault because it made him jittery, but what he believed was the truth was that it was his fault because he went to the coffee shop instead of waiting outside the airport and drank a whole cup of coffee voluntarily as he plopped down on the nearest seat (in his defense though, buying a cup of coffee gave him something to do and eased the dry feeling in his mouth that settled in after his mom told him to go and fetch Seokjin at the airport). He keeps rubbing at the sore spot until the pain has mostly subsided. After a while of idling around, he almost bounces his knees up again in habit but thinks better of it, and plays with his fingers instead.
He checks his phone for the time and notices that there’s only ten minutes left before the expected arrival of Seokjin’s plane. A dreading feeling rises up in his throat, but he swallows it down until it sinks into his stomach, settling there but not easing his feelings either. He thinks over the things that he’s going to say when he sees Seokjin again in his head . Just “hey” seemed too detached. Bringing up the fact that his mom asked him to fetch Seokjin himself would make him sound like he’s just looking for some lame excuse to see Seokjin.
“Hey, how’s it going? I saw your magazine spread the other day. You looked hot.” Would imply that he’s still very into Seokjin despite his honesty, and going “Heard you went to the America for some fashion show? That’s really great!” would make it look like he’s following Seokjin’s daily life (which he does, through Seokjin’s tweets and Instagram posts, though not as often as he used to months after they split ways).
He heaves a deep sigh. When he found out about Seokjin’s return from abroad, he decided to just stay out of the entire picture altogether. Jimin had the perfect plan--he’d stay out of Seokjin’s way, and in an act of reciprocated respect, Seokjin would stay out of his. That way, no feelings would get dug up and no one would get subsequently, emotionally hurt. He’d just pretend he had no idea anyway because he and Seokjin never really kept in touch after all those years, and maybe his mom would get the idea and shut up about it.
The thing that Jimin hates the most about making plans is the fact that it’s rare that things actually get followed through. Of course, this just happens to be applicable to his plan of ignoring Seokjin’s presence entirely.
Jimin had gone to Gwangjang market to help his mom out by doing the usual--washing the dishes, wiping down the tables after customers leave, throwing out the trash, buying some ingredients when they run out of those. It’s a Saturday morning, so despite there being more customers than usual, they aren’t too busy to chit-chat amongst themselves.
“Seokjin’s going to be arriving tomorrow~” Mrs. Kim says in a singsong manner, the usual cheerfulness in her voice amplified by the huge grin on her face. She’s slicing another batch of knife noodles since the ones she prepared earlier had already run out, and despite the routine being monotonous, there’s an extra buzz of energy around her as she shakes her hips and bobs her head along to the trot music playing on the old, battered speakers playing from the other stall a few meters away. Jimin zones out of the conversation the moment he heard Seokjin’s name and continues washing the dishes, decidedly minding his own business, until he feels a nudge on his side and notices his mom giving him an expecting look.
“Huh?”
“You’re up for it right?”
“Wait, what’s going on?” He asks, and wipes his hands on his apron (the very same one that used to be so big on him when he used to help out around the stall as a middle schooler). “I’m up for what?”
“Ah, you see, Seokjin’s going to be arriving tomorrow and since we’ll be busy here and his brother’s away, there won’t be anyone to fetch him from the airport tomorrow.” Mrs. Kim says, and there’s a light in her eyes that Jimin hasn’t seen in three years.
“Oh,” Jimin scratches his ear. Did his mother just volunteer him for this torture?
He looks at her in disbelief and she just grins back at him. “Well, I can help mom around here and we’d man the store for the time being while you go greet him at the airport?” he suggests.
“Ah, but that’s the thing, I don’t really like going to the airport. It’s so stuffy in there. And I’m expecting a lot of customers tomorrow. They might come looking for me too, so I really just can’t leave.” She pouts a bit, and it reminds Jimin so much of Seokjin that seeing the resemblance would have physically hurt if things were as they were from three years ago.
“And of course I couldn’t leave her behind to work her ass alone here, we’ve always done stuff together. Just like you and Seokjin did, right?” Jimin looks from Mrs. Kim and his mom, who are both smiling at him. He smiles back hesitantly. It’s hard to simply forgive and forget when he keeps getting constantly reminded of how close he and Seokjin used to be and every single day that he’s living around here is a glaring reminder of the past.
“It’s fine, right?” He feels his mom nudge him again. “After all, Seokjin’s your long time friend.” The way she smiles at him, like she’s remembering something from the back of her mind reminds Jimin of the good old days--when Seokjin would run errands for his mom and Jimin would tag along and help him carry grocery bags and wash dishes and wipe down the counters. They were constantly adored by customers and even the other market owners doted on them. When they weren’t helping around the stall, they’re either playing nearby or exploring other places they haven’t been to in the towns nearby, only relying on their feet and on each other.
“Yeah,” Jimin forces a grin. Even after all these years, it feels difficult to just open up and tell them the truth. “It’s been a long time since we’ve last seen each other.”
“All the more reason to go! It’s your time to reunite before the old ladies here start pestering him about America.” She giggles, and Jimin isn’t sure if she just doesn’t get the hint or she’s just so keen on torturing him.
“Well?” Mrs. Kim gives him an expecting look, and the hope in her eyes just crushes everything that Jimin’s planned from days prior.
“Sure, Mrs. Kim. I’ll be there.”
Jimin shakes his head. “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What’s up?” he mouths into the air. He pauses for a few minutes, gauging Seokjin’s possible reactions. Yeah, that kinda sounded okay. Detached enough that he doesn’t sound clingy, but nice enough to be a conversation starter. It was so simple and basic that he’s forgotten all about that, but it was just the right greeting for this time.
He checks his phone again. Five minutes. He just wishes there were manuals for things like this. Not too much to make the motions seem robotic and too manufactured, but just enough to not make things feel awkward between the two of them.
He stands up and slings his bag over his shoulder. “Whatever”, he thinks. He’s just going to have to wing it.
Here’s the thing they frequently tell you about breakups: sometimes, even when you thought you’ve moved on, once you see them again, you’ll start to realize that maybe you still have feelings for them. It’s just like going back to square one.
Jimin gasps, feeling as if the air has been snatched away from his lungs. Realizing that he’s fallen in love with Seokjin for the first time was a trip. But seeing Seokjin again after years without communication? It’s like a psychedelic drug’s been introduced into his system for the first time and he’s reeling from the after effects, seeing everything turn bright and sharp all at once. Seokjin’s always looked good, even when they were little, but how could he have looked even better after all these years? He takes in a sharp breath, feeling like he’s just been sucker punched.
When his eyes finally settle on Seokjin, focusing on the defined lines of his jaw, the soft eyes and the plush lips, he feels like his eyes are hyper-focusing on Seokjin, as if he’s the lone point in an otherwise blank canvas, and Jimin’s stifled by the coats of white paint.
His phone vibrates in his hand and he almost drops it in surprise, but otherwise, he’s thankful for the distraction because suddenly the lights fall away, and it’s just him staring at Seokjin, who’s looking around for a familiar face in the crowd. Okay, he takes in a deep breath. This is bad. But not bad bad. He exhales out of his mouth like a deflating balloon. It’s fine, this is fine. I’ve always managed to work around things. This won’t be any more different than that.
He looks at his phone and sees Seokjin’s caller ID pop up, not sure what to feel about the fact that after all these years, Seokjin still hasn’t changed his number (he doesn’t know what to make of the fact that after all these years, he hasn’t deleted Seokjin’s number from his phone, either).
“Yeah?” he says when he picks up the call, trying to act casual as he watches Seokjin crane his neck to look around the crowd gathered outside the arrival area of the airport.
“Hey, uh Jimin? Mom said you’ll be picking me up so I--”
“You haven’t been looking very well.” Jimin says, and walks up to the barricade to make a tentative wave of his hand and a lopsided smile. Seokjin spots him and grins, and Jimin could feel his heart sinking lower, lower, down his stomach.
“Jimin!” Seokjin exclaims, looking surprised. “You’ve grown…taller? Don’t tell me it’s the boots.” He eyes Jimin’s boots and makes a face. “Are those insoles?”
“Ha-ha-ha, I’m not short, you’re just freakishly tall.” Jimin rolls his eyes. He offers a hand to Seokjin. “Need some help with that?” Jimin’s reaction comes out naturally, just like what he would have said back in the days. The thought of it surprises Jimin himself. He expected awkwardness, silence, shifting eyes and several mutterings. But Seokjin didn’t look like he was having any of that either.
“Oh, thanks, please hold this.” Seokjin says, handing him a small eco bag. Jimin peeks inside it and spots boxes of doughnuts.
“Mom wanted them.” Seokjin explains upon Jimin’s questioning look, tugging at the handle of his luggage and leading the way to the exit gate of the arrival area to hail a cab. “There are literally several branches of these around Korea and she said she just wanted these. I asked her if she wanted anything else but she just wanted these doughnuts.”
“Maybe she thinks the taste will be different if it came from a different country. You know how your mom is critical with how things taste like.” Jimin shrugs.
“Maybe,” Seokjin shrugs, looking like he’s giving it a thought. A taxi stops in front of them and Seokjin rattles off an address. It’s not his old house’s, nor the address to the market, so Jimin thinks he must have bought his own apartment after they parted ways.
Jimin feels something in his gut but dismisses it. Silly how he still gets affected by the little things, like how he doesn’t have the same address as Seokjin’s anymore.
“How’s the stall by the way?” he holds the door to the backseat open for Jimin, and Jimin feels like this is some kind of a deja vu, seeing Seokjin like this again and talking to him like nothing happened before he left.
“Oh, you know, same old.” Jimin shrugs, entering the car and taking a seat next to Seokjin. The inside of the car is cold, but Seokjin’s smile is warm and full of eager anticipation. Jimin settles into his seat and closes the car door beside him, thinking of how this time, he wants things to end differently. “You’re gone for a day and you feel like you’ve missed out on a year’s worth of gossip.”
“Thanks for the help, you didn’t really have to.” Seokjin looks apologetic. “My mom just likes making a fuss out of everything, but it’s not like I can say no.” His ears go read, and he looks down at his feet. “You know me, it’s not that easy for me to get lost.”
Yeah, I do know you. Jimin smiles, looking wistfully as the cool night air sweeps Seokjin’s bangs away from his eyes. And I always thought I knew you pretty well.
“There’s going to be a dinner over at our old house later--uh, well it’s more of just mom’s house now, but it’s kinda weird to just call it her house since hyung still lives there when he’s not deployed to some far-off place.” Seokjin laughs, and Jimin knows that behind that smile, Seokjin still feels animosity towards his father, after all that had happened. “You should come.”
“I mean, I don’t know--” Jimin hesitates.
“C’mon, I’m pretty sure your mom’s coming too.”
“Well, yeah, she’s usually over at your old house more frequently than at ours.” Jimin admits, and Seokjin laughs.
“You really can’t separate them.” He comments, and there’s an awkward pause, a cold breeze blowing past them as Seokjin’s unsaid words ring both in their ears. “Just like us back then.”
“Well, I better get going, don’t wanna bother you while you’re unpacking.” Jimin takes a step back and almost stumbles when he misses a step, not realizing that the stairs are just right behind him. But Seokjin is able to catch him right on time, a hand on his back and their faces only inches apart.
They blink at each other for a moment, and it registers in Jimin’s mind how Seokjin’s cheeks are rosier, and how his grip on Jimin’s back felt just like how he held Jimin whenever they slow-danced to ballads in the fall.
It’s Jimin himself who breaks the eye contact before anything that he’s sure he’s going to regret further happens. “Good save.” he laughs awkwardly, and Seokjin lets him go, but the warmth of his hand remains on the small of Jimin’s back. “Uh, so yeah, see you there.” Jimin gives a tiny wave, glancing at the steps before stepping down.
“See you.” Seokjin says, his smile making his cheeks puff out, like they always do when he makes a cute face at Jimin whenever he wants Jimin to dote on him.
“Fuck” Jimin thinks, walking to the bus stop and trying hard not to think of Seokjin’s eyes on him. “This is going to be harder than I thought.”
No matter how many times he’s rehearsed his expressions in the mirror, Jimin still feels like he hasn’t prepared for any of this.
Right next to Jimin, Seokjin is sitting with his face buried in his hands, completely embarrassed as his mom boasts about his achievements since he was little. Jimin’s mom, being the person that she is, indulges her despite probably having had heard it multiple times.
“Dinner’s ready.” Seokjung puts down a the pot of dakgalbi on the table, looking excited. “C’mon Jinnie, eat up. Eat lots. I’m sure you’re tired from your trip.” Jimin side-eyes Seokjung, trying to send a message through his eyes that he hoped meant “I thought you were going to be away? I wouldn’t have needed to fetch Seokjin hyung from the airport if only you showed up instead of pretending you couldn’t come”, but Seokjung takes off his apron and goes back to leave it in the kitchen looking the slightest bit unperturbed, even throwing an unconcerned smile in Jimin’s direction.
Jimin’s brows furrow. Or maybe he’s nonchalant because he didn’t know--maybe this was all his mom and Seokjin’s mom’s plan all along? Jimin takes a deep breath to free himself of those thoughts. He should stop making these things up in his head before he ends up spiraling into nonsensical theories. It would do him no good to start pointing fingers over such a trivial thing.
Seokjin thanks him and starts to dig in after everyone’s settled down. Jimin scoops up some kimchi and busies himself by eating that while everyone else is getting their share of food. It takes him by surprise when Seokjin takes his plate and fills it with food, and then rice. “Thanks again for picking me up.” Seokjin says, putting the plate in front of him and then winking, before proceeding to fill his mom’s plate. She protests, but lets up when he dismisses her and proceeds to fill everyone’s plate with food.
Jimin feels his heart sink. Seokjin’s still the same--he’s still the same dorky, funny, kind person that Jimin’s fallen in love with years ago. But why does seeing him right now, only inches away, still feel like a dream?
“So,” Seokjung begins, as he’s drying the plates. Seokjin is chatting with his mom and Jimin’s mom about the places he went to in America. while Jimin volunteered to do the dishes. Seokjung--despite always being the one to volunteer to cook because he just hates doing the dishes--announced that he’ll be helping Jimin with drying the dishes. Jimin has begun to be suspicious again about his collusion with their moms, but he lets the thought float around for a while. “How are things with Seokjin?”
Ah, now there it is. Jimin thinks, raising an eyebrow. He’s just glad Seokjung’s decided to talk about the topic head-on instead of going around in circles. “Good.” he says, hoping that Seokjung senses how he feels and drops the topic.
But of course he doesn’t, and chooses to press on instead. “Hm, yeah? But why do you guys feel so distant?”
Jimin shrugs. “It’s been years, after all.” He says, without missing a beat. He’s said it to their mutual friends several times that it’s become an awful lot like the truth by now. He doesn’t elaborate on the reasons--he doesn’t tell them that he and Seokjin got married in secret and lived as husbands under the same roof for two years. He didn’t tell them about the petty fights, and the fun moments, and how all the little things piled up and made them sick of each other enough to file for a divorce. No one other than the two of them know about how they had decided that it would be best for them to heal away from each other for a while, until those turned to months, and then into years without communication. And no one else--not even Seokjin--knew of the times that Jimin cried himself to sleep, wondering what went wrong and missing the warmth of Seokjin’s body next to him.
Seokjung shrugs. “I mean, Seokjin’s been away to New Zealand for his exchange student program for over a year but you’ve stayed in contact with each other. You guys didn’t even go to the same university and didn’t live nearby each others’ dormitories and yet you still found time to hang out together.”
What Seokjung says hits Jimin harder than he thought it would. Whatever it was back then, they always found a way. Because it’s always been Seokjin and Jimin, never one without the other. Of course when both of them start looking awkward around each other when they used to be so close, people would start asking questions.
Other people have distinct categories for every person they meet. They have acquaintances, they have best friends, childhood friends, school friends. They have crushes, they have first loves, before they meet the love of their lives. Somehow, Seokjin was all of that to Jimin.
And here’s the thing that they don’t tell you about meeting your long-time best friend, your childhood crush, your first love, the biggest love of your life, and your ex-husband: when you lose them, you feel like you’ve lost everything. When you finally detach yourself, you start feeling like you’re floating in orbit all alone, with nothing to pull you back on board.
Jimin clenches his jaw but doesn’t look back at Seokjung, eyes focused on the plate that he’s been washing for seconds now. “Things are different now.”
If Seokjung hasn’t noticed his discomfort earlier, it seems to be working now, because he raises both of his hands, dish rag and plate and all. “Alright, alright. I’ll drop it.” Jimin wipes his hands on the apron, now finished washing, and turns to see Seokjung with something akin to pity on his face. “I just wish that whatever it is going on between you two, you’d fix it soon.” He finishes drying the plate and stacks the last of them in the dish rack. “I don’t think there’s anyone else aside from us who’s got Seokjin’s back all the time like you do.”
Jimin feels hands on his shoulders, and he jolts a bit in surprise when he sees Seokjin’s face only a few inches away from him, hands massaging Jimin’s shoulders and easing the tension there. “You’re always so high strung, relax.”
Jimin lets himself get pampered and closes his eyes. Even in the balcony, he could hear his mom and Seokjin’s mom laughing over something. Probably their baby pictures again. For some odd reason, his baby picture with chocolate all over his face and hands while half-naked was always his mom’s favorite picture to show off.
“Anything on your mind?” Seokjin asks.
“Nothing much, why?” He lies, as he falls back into the ease of Seokjin’s caresses.
“I thought you went home. You left without saying a word. I’m glad you’re still here.”
Jimin opens one eye to take a peek at Seokjin’s expression, but he could only see Seokjin’s silhouette as the light from the room is filtered through the curtains and the closed balcony doors. “Just some things. The restaurant, the house. Taxes. Capitalism. You know, boring, adult things.”
“That’s obviously a lie.” Seokjin laughs, slapping him across the back and then rubbing soothing circles when Jimin yelps. “Park Jimin never thinks of boring, adult things. Only fun adult things.”
Jimin swears he could see Seokjin wiggling his eyebrows at him in his mind’s eye. “Hyung!”
“What? Shopping and doing groceries are fun adult things!”
Jimin rolls his eyes. “You obviously weren’t pertaining to those.”
“I’m not the one with a dirty mind here, I was just thinking of shopping.”
“Lies.” Jimin seethes, and he feels Seokjin karate chop his neck. He whirls around, caught in surprise at Seokjin’s action, and for a moment, Seokjin looks at him like he’s scared he’s done something wrong. “You will pay for this.” Jimin says, imitating the voice of an anime character and karate chops Seokjin in return. It suddenly turns into a complete chaos of fake punching and wrongly blocking badly-aimed punches, before they got held into a complete stop when Jimin’s mom yells “Kids, stop play-fighting in the balcony, you might fall!”
“We’re not play-fighting, it’s a battle to the death!” Seokjin giggles, but he finally stops trying to mush Jimin’s cheeks.
“For honor.” Jimin says in return, indulging Seokjin, with an equally big grin on his face. They used to do this a lot as kids--kicking each other’s asses and piggybacking on each other to get to somewhere. Somewhere along the line, it evolved into hand holding and kissing and telling each other “I love you,” but somehow ended up with them miles apart even when they were right in front of each other. To be with Seokjin right now like this, it just feels so cathartic.
Seokjin leans back against the railing, eyes sweeping across the view of the city. Jimin mirrors his pose, but only has his eyes on Seokjin. “You know what, even before we got married, you were always so tense. Just you know, sit back. Relax. Enjoy the little things in life. Take time to smell the flowers. Have fun. Just like earlier. Just like the old times.”
Jimin’s heart twitches a little, remembering their marriage. They were so happy back then. And to have Seokjin mentioning it just so casually makes him rethink of how Seokjin has already gotten over it, but he’s still stuck in the same place as he was three years ago.
“Why do you sound like you’re reading off of a ‘how to deal with your friends having a mid-life crisis at 20’?” Jimin laughs, and despite his initial protests, Seokjin chimes in with his laughter. The weird feeling in Jimin’s heart suddenly disappears.
“Look, I’m just saying that you should go out and explore new places. You’re always stuck here in this neighborhood, even the moms are concerned.” Seokjin points a thumb at the door behind him.
“I like it here. And I like working in the restaurant and helping out at aunt’s stall.”
“I like it here, too. But you’ll never grow out of this place if you don’t let your foot out of the door.”
“I--” Jimin shakes his head. “I don’t know, that’s just too much work. I’m busy as I am already.”
“What’s really holding you back?” Seokjin’s question catches Jimin off-guard, and he’s quiet for a second. “Are you scared?”
“Pfft, no.” Jimin looks at him incredulously. “Why would I be scared?”
“I don’t know.” Seokjin shrugs. “Maybe you’re scared of putting yourself out there. Trust me, I know the feeling.” Jimin is all-too familiar with the feeling that Seokjin’s talking about, but he holds his tongue. “It’s scary to put yourself out there, not knowing if someone’s going to help you reach your dreams or just step on your toes and bring your head crashing back from the clouds.”
“And I know this is a little bit-cliched, and maybe this sounds like one of those ‘how to deal with your friends having a mid-life crisis at 20’ self-help books again, but...” Seokjin shrugs, patting Jimin’s shoulders. “You’ll never know unless you try, right?”
Seokjin closes his eyes and inhales deeply. After a beat, he says, “I missed this. This really is home.”
“Hyung?” Jimin turns to look at him, and he looks like he’s deep in thought, committing every speck of dust surrounding him to memory. Seokjin’s right--Jimin should put himself more out there. It’s time to let go of the things of the past.
“Hm?”
“You’ve changed.”
“What,” he turns to look at Jimin, and with the look on his face, Jimin already knows what he’s going to say. “I’ve become more handsome?”
Jimin groans. “Stop ruining the moment.” Seokjin pouts. “Okay, yeah, that.” He concedes. “But also, you know how you were always so passive back then and just follow the flow of things. But you’re telling me this stuff, without trying to shove it down my throat like some salesman with a dental care package on-hand, and I appreciate it. I understand what you mean.”
“Then, that’s good enough.” Seokjin says, looking satisfied with himself.
Seokjin holds Jimin’s hands in his, looking as distraught as Jimin feels. “We’ve been through this before, haven’t we?” Jimin just opened the topic about wanting to adopt a child a few months ago and Seokjin said he’ll think about it, but that never came to fruition. Jimin tried broaching the topic again a few weeks prior, and another, and now this time again, but with the way Seokjin looks at him, he senses that it’s just not going to happen at all. “But I just think that we’re not ready for that kind of commitment yet, you know?”
Jimin feels something tick in his head. He feels annoyed that Seokjin always finds excuses, and he feels annoyed at himself that he just can’t let it go. “When do you think we’ll ever be ready?”
“I don’t know--I--”
Jimin clenches and unclenches his jaw, pulling his hands from Seokjin’s hold. The frustration has built over him for months now, and he feels like lashing out against Seokjin, but he tries to keep his calm. “I think we’re plenty ready now.” He grits his teeth.
“Darling,” Seokjin reaches out to hold him by the wrists, giving him a pleading look. “Jimin, Please.”
“Are we really not ready, or do you just not want a kid?” Something in Seokjin’s face changes when Jimin says that. He hasn’t seen this expression on Seokjin’s face before.“You can just be honest with me, you know.”
“What, you think I’d lie to you about wanting a kid? Are you thinking I’ve lied to you about everything else too?” Seokjin’s tone is accusatory, and Jimin shouldn’t blame him for getting defensive, but he just gets frustrated even more.
“That’s not what I mean--”
“Why would you think I’m hiding something from you?”
“I didn’t say that.” Jimin says through gritted teeth.
“Yeah, but you did imply that.”
“Stop twisting my words.” Jimin shouts, dragging his hands down his face. “God, you’re so frustrating.”
Seokjin stands up and starts pacing, hands fisted at his sides. “How would you not get frustrated when you keep on insisting on doing things on your terms? Why are you not considering what I feel too?”
“I am, that’s why I was asking you if you didn’t really want a kid instead of lying to my face that it’s okay when you don’t really want one!”
Seokjin stops pacing and looks Jimin right in the eye, and he could see the pent up anger in Seokjin’s eyes. He’s never seen Seokjin this angry before. “Well then I don’t want one! There. Are you happy?” Seokjin has always been wonderful to children whenever they babysat kids for volunteer work so Jimin figured that he was alright with them, but he wasn’t expecting this.
Jimin lifts his chin up and looks right back at Seokjin defiantly. “And now the truth has come out.”
Seokjin closes his eyes and looks like he’s about to yell at Jimin, but instead, he kicks at the couch and walks away, limping to the stairs.
They’re just too different--their differences causing them to clash a lot, especially these days with a sensitive topic at hand. Before, they just used to make up with apologies and everything will be alright. But this is the final straw and Jimin’s had enough.
Later that night, Seokjin’s still not talking to him and he decides to sleep on the couch, leaving the television on to serve as a background noise. Jimin feels as if the knife that’s been buried in his chest for so long was twisted and plunged in deeper. It’s not what he wants either, but he has to do it.
He dials the number of a legal attorney that his brother referred, just in case of emergencies.
Even when he constantly followed news about Seokjin, Jimin didn’t want to look that much miserable so he deliberately didn’t buy magazines and watch television shows where Seokjin would be featured in. But his mother is insistent, so he sits with her in front of the television screen and puts on the volume louder so he could hear Seokjin’s dad jokes better.
Seokjin actually has really good chemistry with the show’s cast--he’s making jokes here and there and the hosts just love him. They’re practically doting on him like he’s their son, which is probably why Seokjin is starting to earn the title of “The Nation’s son-in-law” among netizens nowadays.
“I knew Seokjin would do great on a cooking show, look at how he’s eating so well!” Even Jimin’s own mother is cooing at Seokjin from the television screen.
Seokjin starts telling about the story of how he began as a model--scouted by an entertainment company on his way to college one time, and then running away from the agents because he thought they were scammers, but then meeting the very same agent that chased after him again years later and deciding to try it out for real.
“It was fate, I think.” Seokjin says, grinning from ear-to-ear. “Just the way some things are really bound to happen, no matter how many times you try to avoid it.”
“If it weren’t for that coincidence, we wouldn’t even be able to see your pictures in magazines! And we would never probably have enjoyed any of your jokes!” One of the hosts comment, and Seokjin laughs along with them.
“Yeah, a lot of things would have been different if fate hasn’t decided to intervene.” There’s a small, knowing smile on his face, and Jimin likes to think that he knows what it means.
And now here’s the thing they don’t tell you about breakups: sometimes, when you see that other person genuinely, completely happy and living their best life, you’re kinda just happy that it was over. Because maybe in that realm of alternate reality wherein you two didn’t break up, they wouldn’t have been happier--none of you both would have. And maybe the right thing to do was just to accept that in this realm of reality, this is how things ended up as, and maybe this is all for the best.
Maybe their paths diverging from each other was fate intervening and telling Jimin that it wasn’t just meant to be.
“Seokjin hyung?” Sungwoon gapes at Seokjin, Jimin’s right arm slung over his shoulders while the latter’s left arm is wrapped across his torso. He looks like an adorable koala, and Seokjin remembers a time when Jimin would cling on to him and pout just to be a brat, knowing how Seokjin couldn’t resist that look on his face.
Those were the good days, but those were all in the past now. “You actually came.”
Seokjin sighs, stopping in front of Sungwoon and resting his elbow against the bar counter, his car keys making a noise as it comes to contact with the wooden material. Jimin had called him at four in the morning, telling him that “Ddiminnie” was sad and that Seokjin needed to pick him up and tuck him in bed or he will suffer the consequences, and then hanging up. Seokjin rubs a hand across his eyes, still groggy from sleep. “He called and threatened me to take him home. I thought he was drinking out alone.”
Sungwoon has a shit-eating grin on his face that Seokjin already rolls his eyes predictably even before Sungwoon could say anything. “You were worried.”
“Of course I’ll be worried. We’re friends.” He looks at Sungwoon, trying to keep it across that it’s the most obvious thing in the world, because clearly, even though he’s gotten divorced with Jimin, that doesn’t erase the fact that they used to be best friends. It doesn’t make them unable to care for each other, right?
“Oooh, so that’s what you call each other now.” Sungwoon nods with a knowing look on his face. “Last time I checked I thought you hated each other’s guts, but seems like you’re still friends at least.” He says the last part so quickly and in a low voice that Seokjin doesn’t quite catch it.
“What?”
“Nothing, nothing.” Sungwoon says, adjusting Jimin’s slipping hold on his shoulders. Despite the manhandling, Jimin is fast asleep, lips turned up in a pout. “I’m just glad that you’re friends again. That’s really great to hear.”
“Uhm, but hey, are you okay though? You look like you’re still sleepy.” Sungwoon reaches out a hand to touch Seokjin’s wrist lightly. His hand is cold, and the temperature startles Seokjin a bit.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He says, shrugging nonchalantly. “I used to go around places with only three hours of sleep, I’m used to it.”
“Well that’s unhealthy.” Sungwoon clucks his tongue disapprovingly against the roof of his mouth and cocks his head to the side. “But, well.” He gently removes Jimin’s hold on him so that Seokjin could hold Jimin. Seokjin’s not sure if it’s staged or what, because then Jimin free falls into his arms and Jimin ends up hugging him. When Seokjin looks at Sungwoon, it’s quite obvious how the younger guy’s trying hard not to smile, but Seokjin doesn’t comment on it.
“Is it just the two of you?” Seokjin asks, maneuvering Jimin so he could give the younger a piggyback ride, like he always does when Jimin gets injured during his dance practices and kendo lessons, or goes out with his friends and needs a ride home. The weight of Jimin’s body is so familiar he feels nostalgia, clinging on to the corners of his eyes and forcing a teardrop or two to fall there.
“Oh no, the whole gang came over, but it’s just the two of us and Jongin left because someone wanted to drink the whole bar empty.” Sungwoon eyes Jimin, and Seokjin sighs. When he thought Jimin hasn’t changed a bit, he really meant it. “Everyone else already went home.”
“Wait did Jongin get lost?” Seokjin asks, and he walks to the front door carrying Jimin, with Sungwoon walking faster than him to open the door for them. Somehow, Sungwoon reminds Seokjin of Jimin a lot, both in personality and a few physical traits.
But Jimin and Sungwoon are different--Sungwoon doesn’t make his heart beat faster and his hands clammy and his mind go haywire. Sungwoon’s touch doesn’t make him feel calm on a nervous day. Sungwoon doesn’t feel warm and familiar and gives the same feeling as receiving a hot cup of cocoa on a cold winter’s day.
“Nah, he’s taking his car out of the parking lot.” Sungwoon shivers in the cold breeze, and Seokjin gives him an apologetic look. He’d offer Sungwoon a jacket, but he only brought one, thrown away in the backseat of his car, and he’s already thought of letting Jimin snuggle in it on the ride home.
“Jongin can drive?” He asks, and his voice echoes loudly in the wee hours of the morning. The sun hasn’t risen yet and there was barely anyone outside, save probably for the bar’s crew tidying up the place and the occasional early morning risers and joggers. It would’ve startled anyone passing by, but thankfully Jimin just sniffles, fast asleep on Seokjin’s back.
“Why does everyone react like that?” Sungwoon’s eyebrows are knotted together in confusion, but he looks like he’s just looking at something blurry, far off from Seokjin’s shoulder. Maybe he’s more tipsy than he’s letting on, forced to be the responsible friend in the group to take care of Jimin.
“Didn’t you react like that too?” Seokjin widens his eyes at Sungwoon, not willingly taking the blame by himself.
“Well true, but anyway.” Sungwoon shrugs. He open his palms, and it takes a few seconds before Seokjin gets what he means and hands Sungwoon his keys. Sungwoon opens the passenger door for him and holds it as he helps (or more like manhandles) Jimin into getting into the car.
“I’ll just wait for Jongin here, you guys should head on out.” He hands Seokjin’s keys back, and the metal is as cold as his fingers. Seokjin is deeply concerned and considering the theory that from the three years that they haven’t seen each other, Sungwoon had been bitten by a vampire and turned into a creature of the night.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, yeah. You should take Jimin home and go back to bed, you look like you could use at least a whole day’s worth of sleep.”
Seokjin scrunches his nose. “It’s that obvious?” Sungwoon nods without hesitation, and despite Seokjin’s loud sigh of disbelief, he’s not having any more of it and makes shooing motions at Seokjin.
Before he pulls out of the driveway, Seokjin makes sure to wave goodbye to Sungwoon. There’s a small smile on Sungwoon’s face that Seokjin gets to see before he drives away back where he came, and he tries to remember when he last saw that expression on Sungwoon’s face.
There are tears on the corners of his eyes when he remembers where, a little while later: the day he proposed to Jimin, where Sungwoon was standing at the back, with a small but contented smile on his face.
“Jimin. Jimin, we’re here.” Seokjin shakes Jimin by the shoulder. “Wake up, we’re here.”
Jimin opens his eyes a bit, and upon settling his eyes on Seokjin’s features, breaks into a wide grin. “Seokjin hyung! How are you! Long time no see!” He yells as if Seokjin was standing across him on the other side of the room, and Seokjin has to cover his mouth to shut him up.
Seokjin yelps in surprise and removes his hand when he feels something wet on his palm. “Park Jimin, what the fuck? Did you just lick my hand?” Jimin giggles, and snuggles himself, but doesn’t come near Seokjin. He’s quiet for a while, that Seokjin’s afraid that he’s fallen back asleep, but this time with his eyes wide open. “I missed you, hyung.”
He said it quietly, like the way he’d whisper his ‘I love you’s to Seokjin deep into the night after they fucked or when they’re cuddling, or even when they’re just a few inches apart. Seokjin could feel his heart hurting and his resolve shattering.
One moment Jimin looked serene, the next moment he’s sobbing, and Seokjin doesn’t know what to do with himself. “Hey, hey Jimin. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”
“Why did you come back, hyung? Why did you have to come back?” Jimin is full on bawling now, and Seokjin hurries to take some tissues that he keeps in the glove compartment and hands them over to Jimin. Jimin takes them and wipes his face, but he doesn’t stop sobbing. “Everything was going fine.”
Seokjin looks away. This is what he was afraid he would see when he arrived--Jimin crying, all the blame being thrown and the heartache being poured out. He wanted for the things of the past to be just water under the bridge, which is why he approached Jimin so casually at the airport, but it seems like after all these years, Jimin still felt the same. And he was mad at himself because he wanted things to be different, when he shouldn’t have expected for things to be completely fixed and hearts to be fully healed when he’s come back after three years with no contact whatsoever.
He finds himself shaking his head. “No, it wasn’t.”
Jimin blows his nose into the tissue paper, and Seokjin winces. Jimin always blew his nose so hard that Seokjin was afraid he was going to draw blood. And it all started like this--with these little pet peeves building up, the little resentments piling up on top of one another, along with the different directions they wanted their lives to go on that finally did it for them. “Did you know I needed you here?”
“Not really.” He answers Jimin honestly, and he holds on to the steering wheel so tightly because he didn’t know what else to do with his hands when he wanted so badly to just hug Jimin and make all the pain go away. “I didn’t even know if you wanted me here.”
“Well I do.” Jimin says angrily, taking more tissues and blowing his nose a lot harsher.
“Hey, slow down. Chill.” Seokjin comments, but it’s drowned out by Jimin declaring he’s missed Seokjin so, so bad at the same time.
Seokjin is dumbfounded. He squeezes his eyes shut. He was always prepared for the anger and the resentment that Jimin might have harbored, knowing that Jimin was the type of person who held on to grudges for a long time, but Jimin seemed more…remorseful of what they’ve become instead of mad over the reasons as to how they came to be. “Jimin.”
“Hm?” Jimin sniffs, and there are still tear tracks on his face despite wiping on it earlier. Seokjin edges closer and cups Jimin’s face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears on Jimin’s cheeks.
“Do you still love me?” Jimin closes his eyes and moves closer, pillowing his cheek against Seokjin’s hand.
“I’ve always loved you, you dumb brick.” Jimin says gently but lovingly, and Seokjin couldn’t help it, so he moves his face closer, closer, until they’re only a breath apart.
“Jimin, can I--” he says, but pauses when he realizes that Jimin’s body has gone limp.
He couldn’t help but let out the chuckle that’s been bubbling up inside of him. “Park Jimin, you are one impossible person.”
“Fuck. Fuck, fuck,fuck!” Jimin holds his head in his hands the moment he wakes up and realizes that the things he thought he had only been dreaming of last night were true. “I am fucking--” He wheezes and starts coughing, descending into a hell of hazy, drunken memories. He reaches out to get his phone when he misses and ends up grasping on to thin air and falling on the floor instead.
Footsteps become louder and Seokjin’s head peeps in, hair disheveled and face puffy. He looks like he’s just woken up too. And by the looks of it, he was woken up from Jimin’s yelling. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Jimin’s internal panic becomes more evident as he adds in another “I’m fine,” scrambling around to get a shirt. He can’t remember sleeping in just his boxers. “I just forgot that today is a Saturday, is all. I thought it was a work day.” He lets out a hollow laughter. Seokjin looks confused, and he opens the door further, letting himself in and handing Jimin a glass of water.
“Yeah, and you own a restaurant that’s open until later tonight.” He’s wearing Jimin’s old basketball Jersey from high school, and although it looked large on Jimin, it’s almost fitting on Seokjin’s form. “Have you told anyone that you can’t come by today?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Jihoon takes over on Saturdays. He needs the money.” He takes the glass of water and thanks Seokjin, but he must not have averted his eyes quickly enough because Seokjin has obviously noticed that he was looking at Seokjin’s body.
“Oh, yeah, sorry about the shirt.” He gives Jimin an apologetic smile. “You puked on me and it was four in the morning, it was kinda hard to get up and drive home. You also puked on my jacket and I didn’t have any spare shirts on me, so I had to make do and got the biggest fit you had in your closet.” He starts laughing as Jimin’s face grows paler with every word he says.
Jimin hits him in the arm, too embarrassed to say anything in mortification. “Okay, how about you make it up to me by treating me to breakfast?” He suggests.
“Sounds like a good idea.” Jimin mumbles, not too enthused. Seokjin’s cackles become louder, and says that it’s fine, he was just joking anyway.
“I was serious, hyung.” Jimin sighs, and the laughter slowly fades away from Seokjin’s features. “I was at fault, let me make it up to you, at least.” He scratches the back of his head. “Let me just go take a shower?”
Seokjin smiles, kind of like the big brother smile he used to give Jimin when he was proud of Jimin’s achievements. “Okay. But I’ll also need a shower.”
“Of course, of course. I’ll be done in a few.” He says, shooing Seokjin away.
(It was a lie--it takes him at least an hour to finish preparing, because 30 minutes of his shower time was taking comprised of taking a full on bath, while the other half was comprised of staring into the distance and internally screaming at himself for being so reckless.)
“Hey, you know what?” Seokjin begins over their brunch of budae jjigae, eyes focused solely on the stew he’s mixing. “Just a question: do you still have feelings for me?” He wanted to say it just to air it all out, but he said it so quickly because his nerves were getting to him. He didn’t want to repeat the question because he got so embarrassed he could feel his ears burning, but it seems like Jimin had heard him just fine the first time because he suddenly coughs on his soup.
“Are you okay?” Seokjin asks, suddenly stopping his stirring and already filling a cup of water and handing it over to Jimin.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Jimin says, hitting himself on the chest with the palm of his hand. “I was just surprised, is all.”
“Yeah, I really didn’t think that would be a good conversation starter, but I’ve just thought about it.” That was mostly true--he’s thought about it. He just hasn’t mentioned the part that for a while, he had obsessed over it and wallowed in sorrow while eating his meals in the one-bedroom apartment he moved into after the divorce.
“Were you bothered by something I said last night? Or something I did?” Seokjin could see it in Jimin’s eyes that he remembers the things he said in the car, but he doesn’t comment on it. “Look hyung, I’m really sorry. I was just--I was drunk and I’m sorry if I’ve crossed any borders.” He wipes his lips with the back of his hand and looks at Seokjin earnestly. “It’s okay, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore.”
“For one, your puke crossed into my personal space. I didn’t know you were capable of creating such a huge projectile--” Seokjin says, starting to laugh, but the look on Jimin’s face was dead serious.
“Hyung. I’m serious. If you don’t feel comfortable being with me, please tell me.” Seokjin’s taken aback. Normally Jimin would always laugh at his jokes.
“Well--uhm. No. No, you didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. And to be honest, I missed you too.” That earns him a little smile from Jimin, looking all shy and flushing a bit pink. “But I was serious when I said that your puke was disgusting.”
Jimin rolls his eyes and looks like he’s begging for a sign to maybe drop kick Seokjin, or to commit other forms of bodily harm. “Hyung, we were having a moment.”
“What?” Seokjin asks, laughing and coughing when he shoves a spoonful of jjigae in his mouth and suddenly ends up in a coughing fit. Now it’s Jimin’s turn to laugh, and although he does hand Seokjin a glass filled with water, he did enjoy a good laughing fit before doing it.
“Wow, I thought I was just too smitten back then and that you were actually corny, but you really are funny hyung.” The corners of Seokjin’s lips twitch. “Back then”. So he was just overthinking about things, wasn’t he? Jimin was drunk, after all.
“I was dying.” Seokjin says dramatically, earning him another round of laughter from Jimin.
“But admit it, this was nice, wasn’t it?” There’s still that huge goofy smile on Jimin’s face, and Seokjin’s not sure if it makes him want to kiss Jimin or strangle him. Instead, he opts for a tilt of the head, waiting patiently for Jimin to elaborate.
“Talking about feelings.” Jimin makes gestures with his hands. “I know you’re a self-declared tsundere, but it wouldn’t hurt to talk about feelings out loud more often. I just see you on the news sometimes, but I don’t know how you’ve been doing. I like hearing from you.”
“Then we should go out more, right? Next time let’s go to the movies.” Seokjin suggests, just to put it out there, and he finds himself getting excited when Jimin actually agreed to go with him. Jimin preferred wandering around museums and parks instead of staying indoors or going to the mall and watching movies and eating home-cooked meals like Seokjin, but he’s glad that they’ve reached a compromise.
In hindsight, Jimin should’ve thought of it--Kim Seokjin, a rising star in the modelling industry lying low on his break from posing on magazine covers would definitely turn heads when he’s out in public. Even with a face mask on, people would still sometimes recognize Seokjin and they’d have to cut their little bonding times short (that’s what Jimin calls them in his mind at least, because he has no idea what Seokjin calls them and at this point he’s too afraid to ask).
“They should’ve posted a different picture. I look like I cried, my face is all puffy. And Kim Seokjin is definitely not a movie crier.” Seokjin pouts, the hair on the back of his head standing up. Jimin had rushed to his apartment first thing in the morning when he woke up to check his phone and his friends have flooded their group chat with pictures and articles of him and Seokjin leaving the movies.
“You’re definitely a movie crier hyung, stop lying. That one’s very obvious.” He points out, and pauses to scrunch his nose at Jimin. “I feel like that would be a level one question to any Buzzfeed fan quiz for you.” Subconsciously, Jimin reaches out to comb his fingers down the back of Seokjin’s head. It’s a little too late when Jimin realizes that things weren’t as they were. Seokjin blinks but doesn’t say anything, just continues scrolling through Jimin’s phone and reading the comments on the articles.
“Anyway, no need to worry about these. I’ll contact my manager. Namjoon can practically do anything.” Seokjin pauses then turns to look at Jimin with wide eyes,who also pauses from running his fingers through Seokjin’s hair, suddenly very awake despite it being only seven in the morning and very aware of how close he and Seokjin are sitting on the couch. He could feel his pulse drumming against his skin and if the silence keeps on going, he thinks he just might choke on the words he all of a sudden wants to say out loud. “Oh no, I got that wrong. He can practically do anything except stay at least a feet away from danger.”
Jimin retracts his hand and holds his hands in a clasp on top of his thighs. There’s a flash of something in Seokjin’s eyes, but it was gone before Jimin had a look at it. “Your manager is a gang leader?”
The bewildered look on Seokjin’s face has Jimin laughing that even Seokjin suddenly starts laughing as well. “Wait, what, what’s funny?”
“I-I mean,” Jimin takes a moment to calm himself down before continuing with what he was saying. “You said he was pretty capable but he couldn’t stay away from the dangerous stuff, and that definitely fits the description of a gang leader. But then you made that face as if he’s actually an old man who likes taking care of bonsai trees in his spare time.”
The look on Seokjin’s face reminds Jimin of that one meme that Sungwoon has frequently overused in their group chat and he bursts in laughter again. Later, when he hopefully doesn’t forget, he’s going to find a picture of Seokjin making the exact same face and edit it with mathematical equations to use as a reaction pic. He knows Seokjin is going to get mad at him for it, but the prospect is just too funny to ignore.
Seokjin makes a face at him and he takes a few more breaths to calm himself down. “He’s younger than me but he has the soul of an old man. I don’t know how you got that description of him taking care of bonsai trees in his spare time pretty accurately, but I just said he can’t stay away from danger because he more or less injures himself every single time.” Seokjin shakes his head, but there’s a fond look on his face. Jimin likes seeing that look on his face, and this time, he realizes that maybe it’s alright if it’s directed at someone else. As long as Seokjin’s happy, right?
It’s been quite some time since Seokjin’s left for work, this time in Paris, and now the winter air in Seoul is starting to get cold that the first thing he does when he greets Seokjin at the airport is sneeze.
“Jeez, I took a bath, you know.” Seokjin laughs, and Jimin would have said an excuse, but he instead he hugs Seokjin tightly, basking in the warmth of his embrace. Seokjin had walked down catwalks and posed for magazines, and yet he still smelled so much like home. The thought made Jimin smile against the curve of Seokjin’s neck.
“I missed you so much, hyung.”
“Yeah, I missed you too, Jimin. Snot and all.”
Soju was always nice during the winter, especially you had someone to drink it with. Good thing Jimin had Seokjin, who was staying for the holidays this time before going back for another photoshoot abroad. This time, he was also to guest in a morning show in Thailand.
The view they get while sitting on a park bench by the Han River is even prettier this time around, the lights all around them illuminating the stretch of the city. Not a lot of people are milling about by the riverbank this time, but there the occasional couples passing by, hands clasped firmly in each other’s and a family grouped together for a picnic.
Seokjin glances wistfully at the family eating merrily and exchanging stories, and Jimin couldn’t help but ask if something was bothering him. “You know, there was a deeper reason as to why I kept telling you that we weren’t ready to adopt a child.”
Jimin pauses halfway from drinking, setting down the cup of soju he’s holding. Somehow the air starts feeling chillier. “Do you want to tell me why?”
Seokjin glances at the family again, and there’s that sad smile on his face. It looks like the smile he gave Jimin when he handed back their divorce papers right after signing them--defeated and yet accepting of his fate. Jimin’s heart broke that time he saw Seokjin look at him like that, but he just had to get out.
This time, even when the situation is a bit different, he could still feel his heart breaking, still longing for Seokjin and to see his happiness.
Seokjin sighs heavily, and Jimin lets him take his time. Just a few deep breaths. “I didn’t want to end up ruining someone’s life. I didn’t want to end up like my dad.”
“Well, for one thing, we ended up having a pretty big fight that time, and then got divorced.” “But trust me, you’re not like your dad. You’re a good man, hyung. You’re never going to be like your dad.”
“Well, I guess unless you try to actively put more effort into being an asshole.” Jimin adds belatedly. It puts a smile to Seokjin’s face, and that’s all really what Jimin could ask for.
"You like him, don't you?" Seokjung says, side-eyeing Seokjin. Even while he’s scrolling through his phone, Seokjin could feel his older brother looking at him like he knows something is up and just wants to confirm it. Seokjin’s not just about to give him the satisfaction of that.
"Who?" He asks, and he picks up a few more pieces of popcorn from the bowl beside him. He’s not really watching whatever food documentary his brother was watching anymore, but he’s thankful for the background noise. He loves quiet times, but he can’t stand being alone by himself in his apartment for a long time. It’s a good thing that whenever he’s home, Jimin and his brother are always there to bother him.
“Jimin, duh." Seokjin looks up from his phone so abruptly that he almost gets whiplash. Has his brother been reading his texts with Jimin? Or maybe he’s been spying on them leaving together? But what would he even benefit from that? Seokjung isn’t some reporter hell-bent to get some gossip on Seokjin, nor a starstruck stalker.
"Oh... Why would you bring that up." He laughs, casually playing it off as nothing. "We've both moved on.”
His brother pauses the video playing on the television and looks at him right in the eyes, a ‘I’m not believing your bullshit lies’ look on his face. "Clearly none of you have."
It’s a good thing that Seokjin hasn’t put more popcorn in his mouth yet because if he did, he’s sure he would’ve choked. "What?"
"You're both dumb." Seokjung sighs, looking like he physically wants to go to Jimin’s house, drag him over to Seokjin’s apartment, and hit their heads together because they seem to be sharing a single brain cell. "Do you genuinely not have romantic feelings for him anymore?"
Seokjin pauses. He’s not yet ready to have this conversation with Seokjung--or anyone, for that matter--yet. "Yeah?"
Seokjung points at him like he’s won at something. "You hesitated."
"I-- I mean-- ugh, fine." He buries his face in his hands. He knows his hyung wouldn’t judge him like other people would--they’re brothers, and they know each other better than other people would--but he still feels embarrassed admitting it out loud. "I've liked other people, I've dated other people. But it's not the same. It's still Jimin.” He rubs his face in his hands, feeling the frustration eking out along with his feelings. “And maybe it'll always be him."
It’s quiet for a moment, and Seokjin uncovers his face to see Seokjung staring at him, wide-eyed and completely stunned. "Wow, I... sorry, sorry." He says sheepishly. “You’re baring your feelings out here but I just really didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like this with other things, but I remember how you were like this when you told me you wanted to marry him, too.”
Seokjung gets that glassy look in his eyes and Seokjin makes a face at him, readying his hands in an offensive pose. “I swear, if you start crying right there…”
Seokjung rubs at his nose, sniffing. He laughs again. "Sorry, sorry. I just got a bit carried away back there. But you know,” he says, going back to big brother mode and being all serious. “if you still like him, why don't you talk to him about it?"
Seokjin rolls his eyes at his brother. If it was so easy, he would’ve done it a long time ago. "It's not that easy, hyung."
"Yeah, I know, I know. but would you rather just have Jimin as a 'friend'--or whatever that weird flirty tango you both do around each other-- your entire life, or would you want to have him back in your life like before?" Seokjin wanted to protest at the “weird flirty tango” part, but what has he and Jimin been doing together, skirting around talks of their feelings for each other and yet bringing up talks about their marriage?
Seokjin hangs his head. "i don't want to risk it again."
Seokjung reaches out to him and gives him an awkward pat on the knee. It feels weird to have him patting Seokjin’s knee after years of barely seeing each other, but he’s still Seokjin’s brother and trusted confidante, and Seokjin appreciates the thought. "Just...give it a thought."
It’s not the offending red couch that comes as a surprise to Jimin when he opens the door to Seokjin’s apartment for dinner; he actually just took one look at the couch, gave a second or two to think about how Seokjin would really buy that atrocious couch without need for coercion, and proceeded to call out to Seokjin as he removes his shoes by the doorway.
It’s actually the dog running to him and jumping in front of him, waiting to be picked up that made his eyes go wide in surprise.
Jimin obliges, picking up the puppy with utmost care. The dog licks his cheeks and makes a face that looks blissful to Jimin while wagging its tail. "Oh? Who’s the little cutie? What’s your name?”
“Ah, I see she’s taken a particular liking to you.” Seokjin says, coming out to greet him and the puppy by the doorway. He’s wearing an apron so he must have still been cooking the dinner that he promised Jimin, and Jimin would probably just swoon if he didn’t have any bearings on himself. He walks over to them and pats the dog, who only turns her head to look at him once before looking back at Jimin again. Seokjin sighs in exasperation. “Jimin, meet Dumpling. She seems to like you better than she likes me.”
“Not really my fault, I’m an animal whisperer.” Jimin says, cooing at Dumpling. It hasn’t been so long since they’ve met (probably an approximate of two minutes) but he’s ready to declare his utmost loyalty to her and lay his life for her.
“Yeah, I guess you really are a Disney prince.” Seokjin laughs, but without malice. Jimin feels his face redden at Seokjin’s words so he buries his face in Dumpling’s fur.
“I thought you didn't want to keep a pet?" He asks, redirecting the flow of the conversation. He walks to the direction of the kitchen with Seokjin where, sure enough, the pasta he’s been cooking looks just about done and is just left for serving.
"I like the company." he glances fondly at Dumpling, before getting a ladle and putting some pasta to a plate. It smells delicious, and Jimin is again reminded of how, even back when they were younger, he would help Seokjin cook. Sometimes it was for their family and friends, sometimes it was just for the two of them. But nevertheless, he enjoyed cooking and spending time with Seokjin. "Besides, she's really cute."
"She's your daughter, of course she's cute." Jimin says, still cradling Dumpling in his arms and cooing at her. “Oh yes, you’re so cute. You’re the cutest.”
"She’s a bit like you too, though.” Seokjin says, glancing over them and giving Jimin a smile that catches him off guard. He opens some shelves, humming a song, and his face lights up when he finds what he was looking for. “Tiny, in constant need of kisses, cute.” Seokjin shakes his head, topping both plates of pasta with cheese. He looks like he was thinking of something, and then shakes his head. “Ah, never mind.”
“What? Hey, you can’t leave me hanging at that.” Jimin tuts at Seokjin. “Dumpling and I will be sad. Very sad. Right Dumpling?” Seemingly having a complete understanding of the flow of their conversation, Dumpling makes sad noises and licks Jimin’s face.
Seokjin laughs, taking both plates to the dining table with Jimin following behind him. “Hm. Well. I just thought… you know. If you wanna be her dad together?" He asks, so casually, so lightheartedly that Jimin might have passed it off as nothing if it wasn’t for the glint in his eyes that tells Jimin that it wasn’t such a simple proposition.
“Oh, Wouldn’t it be better if it were Namjoon? Since--” Jimin shrugs.
“Me and Namjoon are what?”
“You know.” Jimin shrugs again, not willing to complete the thought.
“Wait, did you think that Namjoon and I are dating?” Seokjin asks, and it takes one startled look from Jimin to have him bursting out in laughter.
“Oh, good grief. I’m going to die.” It takes a few more breaths before Seokjin finally calms down from his laughing fit, but there’s still obvious hints of amusement on his face. “Namjoon and I aren’t dating. He’s my manager, Jimin.” He walks over to them to boop Dumpling’s nose. “Besides, you’re the only person I can think of that’s fit to be Dumpling’s other parent.”
“Oh” Jimin blinks. His mind is going haywire from trying to go a mile a minute interpreting the possible implications of what Seokjin just said that he doesn’t say anything for a moment.
"Sure then." Jimin grins, giving Dumpling a kiss. Dumpling responds by licking Jimin’s face enthusiastically, looking so excited. Maybe dogs really do understand human conversations like they show in movies.
"Okay." Seokjin says, holding on to the seat and giving Jimin that smile that used to--and still does--mean the whole world to him.
"Okay." Jimin says back, and he hopes Seokjin thinks the same of him.
When the forecast announced that the clear skies on Tuesday night would show the most constellations Seoul has seen in years, Seokjin opens his KKT app right away and sends Jimin a message.
It’s frustrating how the joint ownership over Dimple and his clarification of his relationship with Namjoon still didn’t give Jimin a clue about what he felt, so he decides to shoot his shot and planned a picnic on the rooftop of their old house.
His mom was away on a well-deserved vacation with Jimin’s mom to Busan and he bribed his brother with a pre-ordered set of the latest Pokemon game (plushies included) to not bother them until the next day, so really, it’s the most perfect setup for what he’s planning. He just hopes he doesn’t fuck this one up.
After a few drinks of the beer Jimin bought and a plateful of discarded chicken bones over stories from their childhood, Jimin turns silent, only looking at the constellations in the sky. Like the forecast said, the stars are shining brightly over them, like beacons of hope hung over the skies.
"Remember how we used to climb up here and make wishes?" Jimin says wistfully, and even though the sky looked so beautiful tonight, Seokjin can’t help but focus on Jimin instead, and the way he looks beautiful under the dim flourescent lights hung on a line over their heads. With the wind caressing his hair gently and the nostalgic smile on his face, despite the chicken oil on his lips and the redness of his nose, Seokjin knew he had to ask Jimin to give themselves another chance.
"Yeah, a lot of them were ridiculous. Like who would even wish to join a real pirate crew?" Seokjin responds, taking a sip from the beer can.
Jimin looks at him incredulously. "Shhh, hyung, I was a kid back then, I didn't know. Let people enjoy things." He knows he’s ruined the moment, but even like this, nothing could probably change his mind now about wanting to be with Jimin again.
"But I must say, some of them were pretty nice, too." He says to make up for what he said, and he meant it.
Jimin’s eyes glaze over, as if he’s remembering something from a faraway time that seems to be out of their grasp. "I think the most memorable one for me was when you wished for your mom to get a bigger space in the market. And just a few weeks later, she did."
Seokjin shrugs. "She worked hard for that." There’s an unreadable look on Jimin’s face and Seokjin doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he shares his piece instead. "I remember, you wished for your dad to recover quickly so he could get back to work and stop worrying about the bills."
Jimin looks away, but not before Seokjin could see the tears escaping his cheeks. He rubs at his eyes, pretending they were nothing. Seokjin doesn’t comment on it, because he knows they were at least, happy tears. "We're so sappy."
"We're always sappy." Seokjin shakes his head. Jimin sniffs, and Seokjin reaches out to put his hand on Jimin’s shoulder.
“Hey.” He says, and when Jimin looks back at him, there are still tears flowing from his eyes. He wipes away Jimin’s tears with his thumbs, cradling Jimin’s jaw in his hands.
"Maybe we'll always be sappy." Jimin says with a laugh, but it doesn’t sound bitter like the ones from their fights just before they got divorced.
Seokjin takes a deep breath. He leans in and presses his forehead against Jimin’s. "Then let's be sappy together. If that's okay with you."
Jimin covers Seokjin’s hands over his cheeks with his own hands. He looks up at Seokjin, eyes still glistening from the tears that have already stopped flowing. "Hm?"
"I want to be sappy with you again. I want to be sappy with you for a long, long time." Seokjin purses his lips. He feels like he’s going to start crying any moment now, too.
"What if we make the same mistakes again?" Jimin says in a small, scared voice, but his question doesn’t go unheard in Seokjin’s ears.
"Then we will. But we'll fix it, somehow. We'll fix it together." Seokjin pinches Jimin’s cheeks, earning a complaint from Jimin. Seokjin laughs, and he lets Jimin pinch his cheeks back in retaliation. “But we’ll do better than we did back then. Because now we understand each other better, right?”
Jimin sniffs again. He scrunches his nose at Seokjin. "Okay."
"Okay." Seokjin repeats, with a goofy grin on his face. “So can I kiss you now?”
“You dork.” Jimin laughs, and he pulls Seokjin in for a long, languid kiss. They both bask in the feeling of another beginning. This time, in each other’s arms.
Their kisses feels familiar, and yet it tastes like a bunch of hellos.