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it wasn’t that renjun wasn’t used to this. the incessant rumbling of his stomach and the dizziness, which made him feel as if he was going to faint in the next second. quite the opposite, renjun wondered when the last time was that he wasn’t experiencing this excruciating hunger and the pangs that came with it. yet when his eyes darted at the plate sitting in front of him, they immediately darted back up at jaemin, who had just placed it in front of him.
nothing was helping. not the fact that everyone else was happily digging their forks into the meal and chatting, arguing about who was going to clean up the dishes later and how jisung always disappeared in order to not do it. no one had the same issues that renjun’s mind was currently making up when he stared down at the plate filled with a slice of steak, some rice and cauliflower. he couldn’t just dig in like the group always encouraged him to, he couldn’t just stick the fork into his mouth and enjoy the taste, because all he could think about was the numbers. it was always about the numbers, nothing else. trailing over the steak, nothing stopped his mind from estimating the weight, nothing stopped him from making a mental note. “that looks like 100 grams so it’s over 250 calories if not 300” and renjun wished nothing more than for his brain to shut up for once. nothing more than to be able to forget the things he was thinking. “add the amount of rice and you get up to what? almost 500 calories? and don’t forget about the cauliflower! sure, it’s cheap, but is it cheap enough to warrant digesting that.” he stared around the room a little, watched jeno happily cut up his own meat while laughing at some stupid joke jaemin had made, which renjun couldn’t hear over his anxiety.
his hands didn’t tremble when he picked up the cutlery, they didn’t tremble when he cut up the steak into tiny pieces and moved it around the plate with no intention to actually take a bite, but just wanting to waste some time. he would’ve joined in on the conversation going on if it wouldn’t draw attention to his habits. he would have loved to talk to his best friends if it weren’t for the worry that would glaze over their face when they noticed he hadn’t eaten anything. so renjun stayed silent. silent except for the occasional scraping of metal over the porcelain plate as he dragged bits of food back and forth as to not stay completely still. because even that would be weird and grab unwanted attention. that did get boring though, so incredibly boring that he grabbed his plate and stood up with so much haste that none of them could glance at the remains of food on it and claimed that he felt tired, he had just wanted to eat dinner with the three boys that still lived in the dorm with him.
he saw the content smiles on their faces as they wished him a good night, saved them in the back of his mind as he made his way to the kitchen and scraped all the food into the trash can, hoping none of them cared enough to see that it was the entirety of his plate. hoping that none of them would pick up on how he never got better despite reassuring them multiple times a day. that him passing out during practice was just due to his genes and the summer heat, that him losing weight was just their imagination and he was just wearing oversized clothes. opposite to popular belief though, renjun hated lying! it was just something he had to do to hide every aspect of his obsessive behaviour and to let his friends stay safe. he loved each and every one of them so much, he would never want to burden either of them with his own problems, so he lied. he lied about going to bed just to sneak into his bed room with a small wave and a innocent smile on his face before closing the door behind him and dragging his scale from behind the closet.
it was numbers, just numbers that made him feel this horrible pain in his chest, that terrible guilt about having eaten the day before even if it was just 100 calories. and even if the scale reminded him that he was, indeed, underweight he would never believe that. the number wasn’t his goal, his goal was lower, his goal was to look good in the mirror and not to feel like a whale everytime he even caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection of a shop window. yet it would never be enough and renjun knew that. he knew he would never meet his desires even if he kept starving himself. even if he kept exercising all night just to have some hope of reaching his ultimate goal.
but that’s how it was, that’s how it would always be and at some point he’d accepted it. he’d accepted the fact that he would never get out of this mindset, never seek help if it meant gaining weight. he accepted having to go to bed with hunger every single night if only for the pleasure of losing a singular gram. but this was a part of him now and renjun sighed at the thought when his head hit his pillows.