Chapter Text
Borders and horizon lines
We're alone but side by side
We're yet to dream
We're yet to dream
Nothing here is what it seems
-"Hearts Like Ours," The Naked and Famous
Water closed in around him. Salt and brine burned his nostrils, his throat. He gagged, trying to spit it out. It wouldn’t emerge, because there was nowhere for it to go. He kicked, and when he saw his hands, he saw a tiger’s claws.
Kick faster. Reach for the surface. Claw for it. He could still see the light, rippling overhead. He could—
Why was it getting farther away? Why was it dark, and cold? He thrashed. Bubbles appeared around him. And, red. Blood? Was he injured?
His skin stung, as if he’d been rubbed raw all over. He whirled, struggling. A tiger clung to his waist. Claw marks raked down his back and chest and legs, and the tiger was pulling him down into the depths.
No!
Atsushi gasped, sitting up. He didn’t know where he was. He—
Oh, right. He was at Akutagawa’s place. His—friend with benefits? Or were they actually dating now? Could they even date, given their opposite positions?—stirred next to him. “What the hell, Jinko?”
Atsushi felt as if he’d swallowed the sea and it was undulating inside of him. He scrambled for the bathroom. Clutching the edge of the toilet, he retched. He saw stars.
Someone grabbed his hair, yanking it back from the muck, held his shoulder, holding him upright. He gagged again. “S-sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Akutagawa cussed. Atsushi heard water running. Akutagawa handed him a glass of water.
“Nightmare,” Atsushi managed, slumping back against the wall. He still didn’t quite feel like he could stand. His head felt floaty, like it was bobbing on the waves.
“The usual?”
“That I was drowning. In the sea.”
“Yeah, having been tossed into the sea and left for dead, I can confirm that’s no fun.” Akutagawa rolled his eyes.
Atsushi almost smiled. “Sorry.”
Akutagawa said nothing, but his hand reached out to pat Atsushi’s head.
They’d tried to kill each other too many times to hold it against each other at this point. They’d been seeing each other to sneak a clandestine kiss, to make out, and eventually to sleep together the past five months. They’d both agreed no feelings would be involved, that they were still free to beat on each other if the Port Mafia or Armed Detective Agency required it. Except, the past two months they’d been spending nights together, so that wasn’t working out so well.
And now Akutagawa was holding his hair for him as he vomited. Atsushi’s face reddened. They needed to talk about this. He just—
I’m afraid I won’t hear what I want to hear.
And I like this.
“I have to get up anyways,” Akutagawa said, glancing towards the small window. Sunrise’s tangerine rays dipped through, landing on Atsushi’s hand. “Gotta meet with—well, you know.”
Atsushi swallowed. “Okay.”
“You can stay,” Akutagawa blurted out. “Rest. Until you need to leave. You shouldn’t be stumbling through the streets, and it’s too early for Kyouka to be awake.”
Atsushi widened his eyes. “Really?”
Akutagawa nodded. He pulled Atsushi to his feet. “Watch what you eat today. I’m sure Dazai-san got you some dollar store sushi or something.”
“He did…”
“I knew it.”
Atsushi lay back down, trying to quell his nausea. It subsided, and he drifted back to sleep. Dreamless. A relief.
“You better have a damn good reason for being here,” a voice cut in. And something icy pressed against his throat.
Atsushi’s eyes flew open. A sword. And above the sword, dark eyes and hair, and a glare. “Gin!”
“Where’s my brother?”
“He went to work,” Atsushi managed. “He said—I was sick and—”
“He said what exactly?”
“That I could—stay—” Atsushi shrunk into the pillows.
She withdrew her sword. “Fine.” She huffed, stomping towards the stove.
“I’ll go now.” Atsushi wanted to dissolve into thin air. He definitely still had a bruise on his neck that his collar would cover, but he was only in his boxers and a t-shirt right now.
“So. You and my brother.”
Here it was. “I—”
“I knew it,” Gin informed him, turning to face him. “Honestly, he can’t lie to me.”
“Oh.” Atsushi didn’t know what to say. “He’s—” I like him? He might like me? Can you ask him to make sure?
I really want him to like me.
Gin actually smiled.
Relief surged through Atsushi. And something else. He raced for the bathroom again. How the hell could there even be anything left in him?
“You got the flu?”
“I don’t think I have a fever,” Atsushi mumbled, shaking. “Dazai’s—cheap sushi yesterday—”
“What time did you eat that?”
“Lunch—”
“Atsushi, it’s nine in the fucking morning. That’s almost a day. You don’t get food poisoning that late after eating something unless it’s like some kind of horrible bacteria that’ll make the news.”
Atsushi’s eyes widened. “I’m late!” He stumbled past her, grasping his clothes. “Uh—can I change? If I’m late for work, Kunikida-san will—”
Gin just stared.
“What?” Please don’t tell me I can’t or—
“Nothing,” Gin said, leaning back against the wall. “Just. If you were a woman, ‘I’m late’ and throwing up would mean something else, you know?”
Atsushi blinked.
“You aren’t able to carry, are you? Most men aren’t.”
“N-no,” Atsushi managed. “Of course not.” Though, in the orphanage, it wasn’t like they would have tested him for that. No, they would have, right? He’d heard of it before, knew it was difficult to tell because most men would need to be sleeping with other men or one of the rare women who could also disperse sperm, though he’d never actually met a man who could do something like that.
Then again, he’d never met a man who could turn into a tiger before, either.
Gin cocked her head, studying him.
I’m not. I’m not. I’m not.
“Do you want me to get you a test?” she asked finally.
He shook his head. “I have to get to work.”
“I can drop it off at your work.”
“No! That’s too—” He wasn’t!
“I won’t say anything to anyone,” Gin said, pointing to her mask. “Not even my brother. Tell me where to meet you.”
Atsushi nodded.
“Late!” complained Kunikida. “I should dock your pay, Atsushi!”
He cringed. Stop saying that word . He could just say that he wasn’t feeling well, but it’d be too close to the truth.
“What’s wrong?” Kyouka hissed, twirling her spinning chair around as she rolled back towards him.
“N-nothing.”
“Did you and Akutagawa have a fight?”
Of course, Kyouka knew. Atsushi shook his head. “No.”
“Do you want a crepe to cheer you up?”
Atsushi perked up. A crepe actually sounded good.
“Be right back.” Kyouka darted away.
If I am pregnant, what would I do?
We can’t have a kid. He’s in the Port Mafia. I’m in the AMA. We’re both pretty much kids ourselves. We just can’t.
But he couldn’t not tell Akutagawa. And he couldn’t tell him either. That might make both of them rethink their arrangement, bring up that question—and what if it disgusted Akutagawa, what if Akutagawa thought him irresponsible for not getting tested, what if Akutagawa blamed him?
Atsushi wanted to cry. Tanizaki asked if he was okay. He lied and insisted he was. Dazai showed up dripping and way later than Atsushi, incurring Kunikida’s wrath, which incurred a raspberry from Dazai.
He could only imagine Dazai’s reaction. Everyone—Kunikida, the president—they’d be so disappointed. And while Dazai kept forcing him and Akutagawa to team up, he surely wouldn’t want them to team up like this.
What if someone was one of those people who thought these men weren’t real men, but freaks?
I can’t be pregnant. I can’t be.
A text lit up his phone. Gin.
I’m in the alleyway three streets down. Meet me. I don’t have all day.
She sounded so much like her brother in those texts that Atsushi smiled. He announced he was going for coffee and scrambled outside into the steaming summer air, the kind of air that made you feel like you were being boiled in salt and water. He made it to the alleyway and ducked down it, wrapping his arms around himself despite the heat.
“Yo,” said Gin, holding out a pharmacy bag. “I asked if it was good for men, too. The lady said yes. I think she thought I was a man.”
Atsushi sighed. “Thank you.”
“No problem.” Gin side-eyed him. “Good luck.”
“Atsushi?”
No! He froze, clutching the bag in his palm. He wanted to shove it back at Gin.
“Crepe,” Kyouka said from behind him, holding the melting cone out to him.
He took it. Maybe she wouldn’t notice the bag. Or who was here. Oh, who was he kidding? He wanted to die. He'd always been Kyouka's protector, and now...
“Is that for you or Gin?” asked Kyouka.
“Me?” yelped Gin. “I’m not knocked up, thanks.”
“I always thought you and Tachihara might’ve had something,” Kyouka commented, eating her own cone calmly.
Atsushi bit into the crepe for Kyouka’s sake, and also to stop himself from having to speak. It didn't cool his face the way he was hoping. He still wanted to cry.
“I would rather skin myself alive,” Gin retorted. “Men are—” She shuddered.
Kyouka nodded. “Fair.”
“Hey,” Atsushi prostesd, his mouth full of strawberries, crepe, and ice cream. Mistake. Now they were looking at him again.
“Does Akutagawa know?” Kyouka asked.
Atsushi shook his head. Shame pressed into his shoulders. She knew about Akutagawa, of course, but this--would they all think him irresponsible beyond words? A freak? What would he even do? How could he not have used protection?
“It’s okay,” said Kyouka, putting her hand on his shoulder, and with her hand he felt light again, as if he might wilt. “I’ll take care of him, Gin.”
Gin nodded. “Bye.” She scampered off.
Kyouka looked at him. Atsushi’s vision blurred. “I—”
“Let’s really go to the cafe,” Kyouka said, slipping her hand into his free one and pulling him along. “They have a restroom.” She reached out and took the bag for him, hugging it to her chest.
I’m not alone. Atsushi really was crying now. Dammit .
“Hello!” Lucy called when they entered, crepes all eaten by now. Kyouka stuffed the test box into Atsushi’s pocket.
“Hey,” Atsushi said weakly. He slipped into the bathroom, Kyouka chattering with Lucy as neither of them usually did, but she clearly was trying to distract her for Atsushi’s sake.
It took a few minutes of waiting before the result popped up. A smiley face. A damn fucking smiley face, as if every pregnant person wanted to find themselves in that position, as if they wanted to rub it in more that some people should not be pregnant and would be condemned for it, that they were outside of the norm.
He couldn’t text Gin. He threw the test into a wastebasket, stumbling back out.
“For you, Atsushi?” Lucy questioned.
A time machine. “Uh, a regular coffee. No, decaf.” What was he doing? Why decaf? Why did he care?
Kyouka brushed his elbow.
“Decaf?” Lucy’s brows shot up. “All right, then.”
Did she suspect? Did everyone suspect? Would people be able to tell just be looking at him?
“Did you text Gin?” Kyouka whispered.
He shook his head. This was—all wrong, Kyouka shouldn’t be taking care of him. He took care of her. He was all wrong, jumbled about, made with the wrong parts, a genetic mutation, a weretiger, a beast. I'm wrong. I'm bad. I bring misfortune wherever I go, to the AMA, to Akutagawa, to myself.
But I don't want to bring misfortune! I want to be good!
“Do you want me to text her?” Kyouka pressed.
He shook his head again. “What—if she tells—”
Kyouka arched her brows. “He’s gonna find out.”
“No, he won’t.” Not if Atsushi got an abortion. Or ran away to the hills.
“Do you want to make an appointment?” Kyouka asked, voice hushed.
No, because it could happen again. He’d have to tell Akutagawa to use condoms again, and then he’d know something was wrong. And Atsushi sucked at lying to everyone. No, because there was no way out of this, not even that, and he wanted to drown himself like in his dream. It would’ve been a mercy. For himself, for this child, for the rest of the world that he polluted with his pathetic presence.
“It’s your decision,” Kyouka added. “But honestly, Atsushi, as bitchy as Akutagawa is, he’d want to support you—”
He always fucked up his support. Now he was burdening Kyouka. He shook his head. Poor kid, with me as a parent.
You deserve better, baby.
Lucy handed him his decaf coffee, and he could barely make it out of the shop before breaking down and sobbing on the street, a spiderweb of confusion encasing him.
“Onii-chan,” called a voice.
Akutagawa turned. Gin hurried towards him. She didn’t usually address him like that while he was busy on a job. And by not usually he meant not ever.
“Surprise guest this morning,” Gin said, falling in step behind him.
“Mm.” He knew Gin had figured it out about him and Atsushi.
“He was sick.”
“Again?” Akutagawa glanced at her.
“Akutagawa,” said another voice.
He froze. They were in the middle of a street, and he was supposed to be tailing some drug seller. “I’m busy.”
“Now you’re not; Lucy’s watching the loser for you,” said Kyouka, stepping out from behind a telephone pole covered in flyers seeking missing cats and dogs.
“What is this?” He glanced at Gin and saw that she looked entirely unsurprised, folding her arms. “Are you two working together, or—” A three-way cooperation team? Kyouka, Gin, and Lucy? What the hell?
“We’re helping Atsushi,” said Kyouka. “Because he still thinks he’s alone. And he’s not.”
“I’m helping because you,” said Gin, tapping her brother’s nose. Kyouka giggled, no doubt amused to see Gin treating him like a normal big brother. He glowered, but he couldn’t exactly blow up at his baby sister.
“Atsushi is upset,” said Kyouka.
“Because… he’s sick?” Akutagawa checked his phone. Why hadn’t the jinko just texted him? He never knew how to read Atsushi when it came to this. Was he not texting because he really considered them just friends with benefits—no, not even friends? Because he couldn’t see any light in Akutagawa, just a psychopathic killing machine like he'd once said? Did he think Akutagawa deserved to be abandoned like Dazai had abandoned him, like Atsushi once said too?
But his kisses were gentle, and he held Akutagawa as they slept just last week, and Akutagawa had lain awake last night, wishing Atsushi would throw his arms around him again, trying to placate himself by insisting that this was the best he could get, and hey, it was better than he thought he could ever have.
“I don’t know what you feel for him,” Kyouka informed him. “But—”
“I’m pretty sure he loves him,” Gin cut in.
Oh my God! “Gin!”
Akutagawa felt as if he was stripped naked. He was pathetic. Now they would know. And he was--if--
Kyouka giggled and then turned serious again. “He needs you.”
He was going to throttle Kyouka. “What the hell?"
"I'm glad you care," Kyouka translated. "But I know you would. You do care."
Akutagawa clenched his fists. "Would someone please cut the mystical questions and tell me what the fuck is going on?”
“He’s very upset and he needs you right now,” Gin said. “That’s it.”
“That is not it.”
“You’ll have to ask him. Have a conversation with your boyfriend.”
“He’s not my—” Akutagawa rubbed his temples. “Fuck, Gin!”
“Well, he needs—”
“Why?” Akutagawa shouted at Kyouka. “Why would he possibly need me?”
Shit .
He clamped his mouth shut, shoulders shaking. He turned away.
Why would someone so light, so strong in ways I don’t even know, need me? He has Dazai-san. He has Kyouka-chan. He has all of them at the agency. He has—
“Onii-chan,” Gin said slowly.
He glared at her.
“He’s pregnant,” Kyouka said softly.
Akutagawa’s brain short-circuited. He stared, unmoving, the words reverberating in his mind. And then he shoved Kyouka out of the way and took off.
“He’s at the agency; maybe wait!” hollered Kyouka.
“You wait!” Had Atsushi known that this morning? Why didn’t he say anything? Of course, of course at the orphanage they wouldn’t have tested him—he’d think—did he really think Akutagawa was mad at him, or—was it really just a friends with benefits situation, and so he didn’t want to—
You're really pregnant? Kyouka wouldn't lie. But, oh my god, oh--
“You wait up, Ryunosuke!” bellowed Gin.
He skidded to a halt. “What?”
Kyouka stuffed a pair of keys into his palm. “I’ll get him home. Wait there.”
He gaped at her. For Atsushi, you’d do anything.
What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.
Akutagawa paced the tiny studio Atsushi and Kyouka lived in. Gin had gone back to work, promising to take this Lucy’s findings and give them to Higuchi to give to Chuuya.
He couldn’t comprehend it. Atsushi was—
With my—
A click. Someone was entering. Akutagawa froze.
Atsushi closed the door behind him. He gulped when he saw Akutagawa standing there, face as white as his tiger form.
The silence was unbearable, gnawing at them both. He knew Atsushi knew there was only one reason he would be there, and if he came then he clearly cared, and it was all a sham, not just friends with benefits, and Akutagawa was scared to drop that layer.
Then he noticed the greenish hue to Atsushi's face. The nausea. He was sick, because of Akutagawa.
“I know,” Akutagawa said. There was nothing else to really say. “Kyouka and Gin told me.”
Atsushi cursed. He dropped down onto the floor, head in his hands.
Are you really upset? Do you think it’s demon spawn, because it’s mine? Do you want it out of you as fast as possible? He wanted to reach for him, crouch with him, and instead he felt as if his feet were nailed to the floor. “I can make you an appointment. If you want. Right now.”
“Is that what you’d want?”
“It’s not my body,” Akutagawa retorted, prying his feet up, resuming pacing. A lump filled his throat. Atsushi definitely didn’t like him. Definitely not. He probably hated Akutagawa for getting him—
“Our kid would be—”
“What?” Akutagawa stood still.
Our?
Did you say our?
And kid?
“Targeted,” Atsushi said, sniffling. “With our work, and I—I can’t believe I was so stupid—the orphanage keeps screwing me over, like the gift that keeps on giving—” He pounded his fist into his knee.
Akutagawa yanked Atsushi's fist back. Don’t hit yourself .
A thought niggled at the back of his mind: if you hit yourself to be better and that’s not good, then was Dazai hitting me to make me better… also not good?
Not now.
Atsushi gaped up at him, eyes wide, violet and gold. Akutagawa clutched his hand, not letting go. “What do you want to do?”
“What does it matter what I want? It’s not my body that would have to—”
“Why do you care so much what I—”
“Why do you care what I want?” Akutagawa cut him off. His heart pounded.
Atsushi’s eyes leaked more tears, and they weren’t weak. “Don’t you think I’m—disgusting for—”
“No,” Akutagawa cut in, huffing. He closed his eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had to do this, didn’t he? “I like you. Regardless of what you choose. I like you.”
Atsushi sucked in his breath. “So… you’d want to be with me? Whether or not I have—or terminate—as friends with benefits, or—”
“More,” Akutagawa forced himself to say. Why did the word hurt so much, like peeling back a scab before its time?
Atsushi said nothing. Akutagawa cracked his eyes open.
“Me, too,” Atsushi managed, looking up at him. “I—like you.”
Really? Akutagawa sagged down to his knees. Atsushi grabbed him and kissed him, arms around Akutagawa, holding him together.
Damn, Jinko.
“I want to have it,” Atsushi whispered.
I know. “Me, too.”