Chapter Text
“Hey, I got a bit of a problem, yeah?”
“One moment, please,” Merlin requested, not looking up from the screen. The co-op student had done...something to the computer, and he had been trying to fix it for an hour. “The other librarian can help you,” he added. Christ he hated patrons. He typed a little more. “There ye are, you fucking little taint stain.”
“Excuse me?”
Huh. Merlin looked up, and realized there was in fact no other librarian at the front desk. “I said there you are, now how may I help you?” He tried to smile like his boss had suggested, and the lad took a step back. He sighed. “What do you need?”
The lad held up a book missing the cover. “I can explain. See -”
“Is the explanation going to even remotely have the truth in it?” Merlin looked at the book, the cover had clearly been torn off. He waited as the man flushed a little. “I don’t actually care. I do appreciate you bringing it in.”
“Late fees are a bitch,” he said. “Are you going to take my library card away?”
He looked about 16, and frankly any teenager who actually used the library? He wasn’t going to be the complete monster the rest of the staff thought he was. “No,” he said softly, and watched the man’s shoulders relax. He took the book and scanned the back. “Mr. Unwin, books get damaged. It happens.” He looked at the spine, which was cracked in multiple places and had loose pages. “Likely this book would have been decommissioned in a few uses.”
“Decommissioned?”
“Aye, we have a semi annual sale, books we have too many copies of, ones a bit worn out. Always a few good finds in there.” Merlin looked at him. “Go on then, enjoy the library.”
“Thanks,” he looked so relieved. “I didn’t...he didn’t mean to rip. I should have been paying attention.”
“Mr. Unwin, the library welcomes you.” Merlin had no idea why he phrased it like that, but the young man just seemed to lose all the tension he was carrying.
“I was actually wondering. Liked that book, any other authors like it?”
“I have no idea,” Merlin tried to psychically tell the lad to go the fuck away, but he kept standing there.
“You a librarian or wot? Librarian me.”
“Fine.” Merlin typed a little, “according to google, ye might also like the works of Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, and Jasper Fforde. Oh wait, I’ve actually read Fforde, pick him.”
“You are old, thought all old blokes had read Adams,” he said.
“I’m in my forties which will come quicker for you than you realize,” Merlin snapped. “I’ve librarianed, now you go patron.”
“Don’t you need to have like some people skills to work the front desk?”
“Aye, which is why I usually don’t.”
“Okay, well have a good day...Merlin?” the lad snorted a bit.
Merlin just waved him off. He sighed when an old lady came up to him. “No, we are out of Fifty Shades of Grey,” he said automatically.
“Oh, well, what other porn can you recommend?” she said, and Merlin heard the boy laugh as he walked away. Merlin debated burning the library down. But he’d only want to burn the patrons no the books. He’d have to research that.
*********
He was back in the references stacks putting away books. A secondary school had been on a research trip and the shelves were a bloody mess. He found a fizzy drink bottle, a granola wrapper and a joint. He binned the garbage and pocketed the joint, because well, he had to keep up with what the kids were into these days. Merlin was contentedly shelving in an area that saw few patrons, when he heard footsteps.
“Mr. Unwin,” he nodded.
“You remember me?” the lad was clearly surprised.
“You are memorable,” Merlin replied, and continued shelving. He missed the way the lad lit up at that. He sighed. “Were you a member of the field trip?”
“Yeah.”
“Does this belong to you?” He held up a bra. “I honestly am not even sure I want to know.”
“Well, teenagers are horny fuckers?”
“Maybe if they fucked more, they’d be less horny.”
“Wait, did you just advocate teen sexuality?”
Merlin replayed his words. “Apparently. Well that is unfortunate. And I don’t think what I meant. I had a four hour meeting this morning, and didn’t kill anyone, so my brain is a little off.” He threw the bra on his shoulder and kept working. “You never answered, does the bra belong to you.”
“No,” Eggsy replied. “But uhh...something else may have fallen out of my pocket?”
“Ahh, I already threw out the half eaten granola bar.” He moved the cart to the next row.
“No...um...something else. Something not really supposed to be in a library.”
“How did you fit the fizzy drink bottle in your pocket?” Merlin was playing clueless deliberately, curious if the lad would admit that it was the other thing he had found. He put the last of the books away. “What did you research while you were here?”
“We were working on future career crap. Like our school actually cares where we end up, no one fucking cares about us.”
“I care deeply,” Merlin replied. “I want to stab each and everyone of you for fucking up my shelves. I bloody hate field trips.”
“Jesus, they lock you in a cage when the little kids come in don’t they?”
“Actually, I am brilliant with the under five set,” Merlin replied. “And I’m not giving you back the joint.”
“What joint?”
“I am tired, my library is a mess, and the guy in the office decided after our four meeting to inform me about the shit he had been holding in. So trust me Mr. Unwin, I need this item more than you.”
“Fine, then pay me for it,” he jutted out his chin. “Or I tell your boss that you have drugs on you. Won’t someone think about the children?”
“No,” Merlin looked at him. “You wouldn’t grass on me. I recognize that chip on your shoulder. You don’t trust authority.”
“Who fucking does?”
“People not raised poor like us.”
“You don’t look poor.”
“Do you think public librarians make a fortune?”
“No, but bet you make enough to give me ten quid for that joint?”
“If I do that, you might turn to a life of crime, and I’d see you arrested on the news, and I’d be devastated that I was the start of that all. No, neither of us should travel down that road. I need to keep the joint safe, and free. Protect you from sin.”
“Fuck off.”
“May I help you find a book, Mr. Unwin?”
“No, you can give me the fucking joint, so he doesn’t kill me, okay?”
“Ahh,” Merlin realized there was a bit more to this. “I honestly do not feel comfortable handing drugs back to a child.”
“Fucking 16, all sorts of things I can do.”
“Yes, drive, legally fuck, and if you get a hard nose judge be tried as an adult.” Merlin pulled out his wallet and gave him twenty quid. “Will this keep you safe?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Do you know the owner of the bra?”
“Might be Kaleigh, or Shauna?” Eggsy shrugged. “They got tits enough to fill that.”
“Charming,” Merlin sighed. “Well I suppose I now am the proud owner of a bra, because like fuck I am putting it in the lost and found with someone’s precious perfect lost Thomas the Train. Go me, first bra that will have been in my drawers.”
“You ain’t complete ugly. Why no bird getting a leg over ya?”
“Because I am completely queer,” Merlin answered.
“Oh.”
Merlin sighed. “Say whatever you want.”
“I’m bi?” the boy looked sick. “Oh god, first time I said that out loud. Fuck.” He had to lean against the stacks.
Merlin went over but didn’t touch him. “It will be okay.”
“Will it?”
“Maybe, maybe not. But think the first person you told? They didn’t try to kick your teeth in and stab you with a beer bottle.”
“That’s a bit specific?”
“My father was a specific man,” Merlin said. “Plus side, he’s been dead fifteen years. And I am looking at you, Mr. Unwin, and will say this. Life fucking sucks enough as it is, so better to fuck someone you actually want to, no matter what junk they are carrying about.” He couldn’t figure out what sort of look the lad had in his eyes. He should say something else. “No porn on the interweb that says natural is actually such, even amateur completely staged.”
“You are completely insane, aren’t you?”
“It seems so. Have a good day, Mr. Unwin.”
“I told a pissy librarian I’m bi. I suppose...I need to tell my mum?”
Merlin shrugged. “You need to. But the timeline on that is very flexible. As flexible as you need.”
“You are a mean bastard, but you don’t suck.”
“I would ask that you write that on a comment card. My semi annual performance review is soon. And there was an incident last week.”
“I’ll absolutely do that.”
“Good day, Mr. Unwin.”
Merlin was rather surprised at his review when his boss was happy that one patron had had glowing comments about him and that after two years Merlin was finally adjusting to the public sector after the academic one. He looked at the card after. The library card had said Gary, but it said Eggsy Unwin. Eggys was as poor a name as Gary.
But it was very kind of the lad to say Merlin was ‘not complete rubbish, and under the snark was rather helpful to a very confused patron.’
******
“Right then, poems.”
“Wrong then, shelving.” Merlin didn’t look up. “We have an actual reference desk person, Mr. Unwin.”
“Yeah but she was a cunt about me dripping everywhere, like it were my fault a storm hit unexpectedly.”
“Don’t call Margaret a cunt, she is lovely,” Merlin replied.
“Name tag weren’t Margaret, it were Liza.”
“Oh well, she is a cunt, so fair.” Merlin looked at him. “Drip on the floor, not my books.” He looked miserable, like a puppy that got locked out in the rain. “Did you not even have one of your absurd hats?”
“A snapback is not absurd, bruv,” he glared. “Just tell me where I can find some twentieth century poems for public speaking.”
The boy squeaked a bit as he shifted his weight, and the water moved in his shoes.
Merlin sighed, he looked nothing like the defiant boy he was used to seeing around the library. “Come along then,” he said. He wound his way through the stacks and went to a door at the back and keyed in a code.
“Poems are so fucking important that you have them on lock down? You got the first folio or something in there?”
Merlin snorted. “Yes, this branch hosts the nation’s most important poetic crap.”
“Not a poetry fan? Me neither. But apparently if we speak it well, we can do well in life. Jamal pulled 16th Century. Twentieth Century at least it is English.”
“Shakespeare is in fact English,” Merlin pointed out. He went into the break room and grabbed a few tea towels. He then took Eggsy to the employee bog. “Here, dry off a little, and tell me the other requirements of the assignment.” Merlin waited but the boy was just looking between him and the towels. “Well? Come on then, I have work.”
The boy started drying off his hair. “Well it can’t be like a haiku, or guess it could, but I have to speak for three minutes? And have it memorized. Which fucking hell, what poems are that memorable that I can remember three minutes of it?” He looked at Merlin. “It is supposed to ‘speak to me’ about who I am and the world about me. Poems are just wankers wanking.”
“In many instances yes. You are...16?”
“Yeah, 17 in a couple months.” He took his shoes off, and squeezed water into the sink. His track jacket was complete sodden and he began to wring it out.
“Take off your vest there,” Merlin said and lay out the other tea towel on the ground. He looked up and the boy was stepping back. “I’ll dry your top a little for you,” he explained. The boy slowly took the shirt off and then crossed his arms over his chest and shivered a bit. Even with this the shirt would be completely dry. Merlin took off his jumper and tossed it to Eggsy. “There that will keep you warm. I am sure there is a plastic bag we can put this in.” He carefully rolled the tee in the towel and squeezed. It helped quite a bit. He stood up. “What speaks to you generally?”
“My mates, my mum, my stepda.” Merlin noticed the small flinch on the last one but didn’t comment. His sweater was rather large on the lad, not quite comical, but still nowhere near fitting. He collected the wet things, and went back to the kitchen where there was a bag. He dumped them in.
“There ye go, and that was a clever answer enough. But do better or I’ll nae help you.”
“Librarians are supposed to be helpful you know.”
“Eggsy, I am endlessly helpful.”
“You know my name.”
“It was on your comment card, which I appreciated by the way.”
“You did?”
“Aye, you made my boss completely gobsmacked. He is ten years younger than me, and a giant cocktwaffle, but that particular meeting went better than expected.”
“You are seriously just not meant for the public sector. Unless it was like I don’t know...something not this.”
“I am a great librarian, but I was not meant for the public sector. But budgets were slashed at the college I worked at and here I am. Weee. Now what fucking speaks to you? What do you love. Or better what do you hate?” Merlin lead him to the poetics section. It wasn’t an area he generally cared about, but having worked at a college he knew some basics. So many men with sad facial hair quoted poetry to get laid. It never worked.
“Why hate?”
“Because the best poetry is angry poetry. And you look like you have a good bit of anger to unleash.”
“I hate...I hate my English teacher, posh and slumming it so can feel good about helping students better themselves. We’re fine enough aren’t we? Just because I don’t talk like a fucking BBC newscaster, don’t mean I’m an idiot. I hate that the school generally thinks we are all rubbish and will never get off the block. Because maybe we will and maybe there are some great people on the block. And I hate my stepda and his mates, and I fucking hate that my real da is dead, and I just fucking hate so much.”
“I remember that feeling, though it was my da, not my stepda.” Merlin looked at the shelves. “This one.” He plucked a book from the shelf, and read the first few lines when he got it to the right page.
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,
who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated
“That suit you?” Merlin asked.
“What the fuck is that?” Eggsy was staring at him stunned.
“Allen Ginsberg’s Howl. American poets of a certain era are very angry. I thought you would enjoy.” Merlin shrugged. “But we can find you something about trees.”
“That will piss off the teacher.”
“Probably, it is quite sexual, and angry, and blasphemous.” Merlin smiled. “Think you can memorize three minutes of that?”
Eggsy took the book. “Yeah, think I can.” He looked at the words mouthed them. “This is sick.”
“It is.”
“You need your jumper back.”
“Yes because you should go out in crap weather in wet clothes. Just drop it off at the front desk sometime. Good luck with the assignment.” Merlin started to go back to where he left his cart.
“Hey, Merlin?”
He rolled his eyes, “What now? We are done our interaction.”
“You are a complete tit, but like you are better to me than most everyone I know. So thanks.”
He wondered why the boy was so flushed at saying that. But what kind of shit life did he have that Merlin was a highlight, he was just a librarian. “You need better people in your life.”
“Don’t I know it.”
“Until next time, Mr. Unwin.”
“You can stick with, Eggsy?” The boy’s voice cracked a little.
“Drink some tea with honey, so you don’t blow your voice before the assignment, Eggsy.” Merlin went back to his shelving and maybe ran his boss’s toes over with the cart on his way by.
*********
It was stupid but they had everyone’s birthday in their files. And Eggsy’s was today. There was barely a slim chance the lad would be in that day but he had seen the thing in the corner shop when he had been picking up a sandwich and on impulse bought it. He didn’t wrap it though. He left it on his desk, just in case the lad came in.
Which he did three days later with a black eye. Merlin looked at him and Eggsy just shook his head. He handed back some books. “Know they are late.”
Merlin checked the books in and then did a little typing. “No, you got them in on time,” he replied. “You had your dates wrong.”
“Bruv, I don’t need fucking charity. I have the two quid.”
“Good for you. Now wait there for a second.” Merlin went back to his desk and grabbed the thing. “Here.” He handed it to Eggsy.
“What’s this?”
“A plastic wallet for your library card, you just always have it in your pocket, you can attach it to your keychain. So you don’t lose it.” Merlin shrugged. “Your file had your birthday. So...happy birthday.” Oh fuck the boy started to cry. “You hate pugs?” The back of the little plastic fold had a pug in a crown on it. It was a stupid thing to get a lad who just turned 17. “It was stupid. My apologies.”
“My mum didn’t even remember,” Eggsy held the little pug wallet tight. “Bruv, does life always treat us like shit?”
Fuck, how did he answer that? “For some, yes.” That was probably not the correct thing to say.
Eggsy laughed a little, and a few more tears fell. Merlin offered him a tissue. “We live in a world of inequality, and injustice, and some people are fucked completely over, day after day, until they die in pain and misery, alone, and utterly forgotten.”
“Wow, that’s just the best you’ll be okay Eggsy talk ever,” Eggsy snorted. “Why do they even have you on the front desk again. They never let you on it.”
“I insisted.”
“Why?”
“Make sure I saw you to give you the birthday gift. It has been fucking miserable, and I have devised the perfect crime, a way to murder people with 10,000 paper cuts. I had to deal with a hipster who was being nostalgic over card catalogues, Eggsy. He needed to be stabbed.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Of course not. I hate people, but I’m not actually going to kill them.” Merlin rolled his eyes. “I just want them to fucking leave me alone.”
“You got me a birthday gift, not a lot of hate in that,” Eggsy said softly.
“You are tolerable.”
“Bruv, that gets me right here.” Eggsy pressed a fist to his heart. But Merlin watched him put his library card in the plastic and attach it to his key chain. “I think that is me.”
“What, the pug?”
“No, the pain and misery crap.”
Merlin shook his head. “No, lad. I don’t think it is.”
“How can you be sure?”
“I can’t,” Merlin replied. “But a lad who likes the library? He has a leg up on many. He can at least see that there are choices on his path. They might seem small, but they are there. And you can make them.”
“Okay,” Eggsy wiped the last of the tears away. “Thanks for the gift.” He looked around. “You know that bloke is looking at porn on the public computer and is gonna go to the bog and wank?”
“He has wikipedia open.”
“Corner, tiny. Porn.”
“I fucking hate humanity.”
“With a few exceptions.”
“Aye, with just a couple. Go to the hold shelf and get out your books.”
“Don’t have any on hold.”
“I secured you the next in that series.”
“Oh. You’re the guv, Merlin.”
“Thank you, now I have to go deal with porn man. Isn’t today just a special day?”
“Yeah, it is.”
Merlin wasn’t paying attention to Eggsy anymore, and went to deal with the situation on the computers.
******
“Excuse me?”
“You are being transferred to the branch in Kensington. They have a gap, and you are being shuffled over there,” his boss said.
“But I have everyone here, broken in,” Merlin protested.
“You mean, scared.”
“Aye, I’ve not had to sign a birthday card in months.”
“Sorry,” the boss clearly was not sorry. “You start there Monday.”
“Fuck off then, you are a miserable boss, who doesn’t actually love books, and I hope that one day a shelf collapses on you and a copy of...the OED concusses you.”
“How about you take the rest of the week off?”
“How about I do,” Merlin agreed. He collected his few belongings and no one offered a goodbye, which was expected. But there was something he wanted to do. He went into the system and added a note to Eggsy’s file, that any late fees incurred were not to be charged to Eggsy, but to Merlin. It was a small thing but it mattered to Merlin. He took the banker’s box and headed out of the Swiss Cottage Library. He started towards the tube when he heard a shout.
“Oi, Merlin!”
Eggsy, he recognized the voice. He turned and waited. “Wait, did you get fired? Because you are an arse to everyone?”
“No, I am being transferred to the Kensington branch. Wee.”
“You weren’t going to say anything?”
“I found out an hour ago.”
“Suppose you’ll be happier with posh patrons, who don’t treat books like crap, like the people around here.”
“No, I’ll likely hate them more. They have no manners for those not their equal or better.”
“I hear that,” Eggsy hunched in. “Fuck, who will help me in there?”
“You know the system, I don’t actually know why you required my help so much.”
“Come on, bruv,” Eggsy laughed a little.
“I don’t understand,” Merlin was perplexed. “And Margaret is a decent example of humanity, go to her when you need aid.”
“I could stop at the Kensington branch sometimes?”
“That seems an awful waste of your time. Any books there can easily be sent to your branch. I’ve ordered many for you on library loan.”
“Right, yeah, no. Stupid.”
“You are many things, lad, but stupid is not one of them. Make interesting choices.” Merlin blinked when the lad moved close. “What are you doing?”
“Well, I was going to say thanks, shake your hand?”
“My hands are full,” Merlin pointed out. He watched the lad turn bright red. “Are you having an allergic reaction?” Eggsy leaned forward and the kiss that was aiming for lips, brushed Merlin’s jaw. Eggsy hurried away without another word, into the library branch.
Merlin went to the station, and sat down in a fairly empty car. He really hoped the boy would be okay. But he doubted it, life always fucked over the good ones. But still, he hoped.