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PROLOUGE
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WHO ART THOU, VILLAIN
FOR IT IS I,
TYBALT THE SECOND
SAILING THE SEVEN SEAS WITH MY TRUSTY 666 METRE LONG COCK
WHO NEEDS A BOAT WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE A SEABOUND VESSEL
I AM ACTUALLY A VERY SUCCESSFUL PIRATE CUZ NO ONE WANTS TO GET ON MY M A S S I V E
D I C K
CAPTAIN ROMEO IS THE ONLY TRUE RIVAL AS HIS COCK IS 667 METRES
HOWEVER WE CANNOT SIMULTANEOUSLY RAID EACH OTHERS SHIP AS THAT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
TO SOOTHE MY TORTURED SOUL, I WILL PLAY MY TINY CELLO AGGRESSIVELY WHILE SNIFFLING BACK SALTY TEARS OF GRIEF INTO MY EMBROIDERED WHITE HANKIE
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CHAPTER 1 : ARE YOU A SHOWER OR A GROWER
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1:15 PM, October 29th, Year 68
Same old, same old. This town never changes. Well, except for the heat wave that recently washed in. This humidity would really be the death of me, thank god I’m not one of those peasant workers. What are the engineers doing, anyways? They should’ve invented an AC by now! Anyways, after lunch I asked Paris to measure my dick again. Still a microscopic 3.5 centimeters long. Juliet keeps telling me I’m a late bloomer but I’m but a hearty 35 years old.
Tybalt sighed deeply as he closed his battered journal. Then he threw it at the wall.
“Rulers,” he sneered. There was some sort of plot against dick sizes, he truly believed. He threw his pen at the wall.
“Do they shrink as I press the metal across my length? Not even surpassing the width of a business card? A conspiracy against the common ego?”
He began banging his head on the wall.
“THE COLD ROD OF UNTRUTH HAS BRUISED BOTH MY SELF ESTEEM AND MY PENIS. WHILE THIS CONNIVANCE LIVES ON, NO COCK IS SAFE FROM ITS HUMILIATING SCRUTINY”
His uncle opened the door. “What on Earth--” Immediately, Tybalt yanked off his pants.
“DISCARD OF YOUR BREECHES, SIR CAPULET. AM I TRULY AS INADEQUATE AS THE MAIDS ALL SAY?”
Dick standing next to dick, Tybalt thought his plan was utterly ingenious. However, pride turned to shock then anger as his meager stub paled in comparison next to his uncle’s mighty stallion. Blinded with rage he shoved his way out the door, howling a challenge to those outside. With every comparison, and every bitter defeat, his grief grew and grew. As he lay sobbing on the ground, a distraught servant suggested he go see the Friar.
“Why should I see that old coot?” asked Tybalt, utterly baffled.
“He’s the FRIAR, Tybalt” said the servant, “He might have a potion or two”
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Friar Lawrence paced around his worktable. “I can’t help with increasing your size, young man. You might have to look somewhere else.”
Tybalt dragged himself towards the exit. As the heavy door slowly creaked open, he heard an exclamation behind him.
“Wait!” Friar Lawrence stumbled up to him, “What about your size when erect?”
“What?”
“Erect! Have you never gotten a stiffy, young man?”
“No?”
The Friar fumbled through his bag of disinfectants and tinctures, finally producing a stained and dirty bottle of Viagra. “Here, young man”
Tybalt snatched the bottle out of Lawrence’s hand, chugging whatever pills remained while maintaining eye contact. After thirty minutes on the dot, he tore off his pants and began to furiously masturbate. Both watched in horror and fascination as the fleshy thing grew and grew, way past the size of humanly possible. Completely enraptured in the sight of the grotesque monstrosity, they didn’t immediately register the screams of “PIRATES!” and the smell of blood.
“Get back inside!” hissed the Friar, but Tybalt was already out the door.
The raiders balked when they saw the half-naked man barreling towards them, armed with nothing but a sword and a massive dong, So much so, that they stopped attacking entirely, watching in a shocked silence as Tybalt ran towards the docks, performing a graceful swan dive into the ocean.
By this time, his cock was twice his height, bobbing behind him in the water, like a third leg. And that’s when he realized that he could not swim. He flailed around desperately while the pirates jeered.
“You’re fucking kidding me right now”
“Idiot thought he could take us on in our own territory?”
“Yo, he lives in a coastal town, how can he not swim???”
Tybalt closed his eyes. Just trust in the phallus, he whispered to himself, Trust in it. He stroked his balls.
This only made the pirates laugh harder.
“Wow, he must’ve accepted his fate”
“WHY ARE YOU THREE JUST STANDING AROUND, SHOOT HIM!”
Crossbow bolts were in the air, but Tybalt moved first. With a mighty ejaculation, he launched out of the water. Flying overhead like a preteen discovering moon jump hacks, he soared into the ship, landing directly on the Captain, killing him instantly with his literal sword. He then proceeded to loot the ship.
Meanwhile, the distracted pirates were either promptly captured or butchered by the townsfolk. Tybalt emerged from the ship, hauling with him literal boat loads of gold and valuables. The townspeople cheered, as handfuls of riches were thrown all around. They lifted the unlikely hero above their shoulders and marched down the gilded streets.
“TYBALT! TYBALT! TYBALT! TYBALT! TYBALT!”
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Later that night, a massive costume party was held at the Capulet residence. Wine and ale were passed around, laughter ringing the air. Several Montagues were dressed as pirates and caused some light-hearted chaos. Romeo and Juliet were having a steamy make-out session in the corner. Suddenly, an unexpected visitor arrived, followed by a dozen musicians. Everyone went dead silent, before whispers broke out amongst the crowd.
The Prince climbed off his horse and faced Tybalt. “I heard the stories-- don’t be so shocked, news travels fast --of a single man bewildering the pirates, causing their total defeat. We could really use warriors like you. Would you like to join our army and protect against future invaders? You’d be an invaluable asset.”
Tybalt’s grin grew wider and wider. He began walking towards the Prince. The murmurings grew louder, evolving into into great cheers. The Prince beamed and held out his hand. Tybalt shook it.
“Thank you for the great offer, Your Highness. But alas, I must decline. My dream of becoming a pirate is calling for me.”
The Prince fainted.