Chapter Text
when yoongi first agreed to the relationship, he was half intoxicated on shitty alcohol and clearly not thinking straight.
if he were, he definitely wouldn’t have agreed. (probably).
because while agreeing seemed like a good idea at the time, he subsequently regretted it the next day. and every day after.
he knew that by saying yes to the relationship he was hurting everyone, including himself. no good would come out of it. but it was in the moment, and he wanted it for so long, and so in the end he couldn’t entirely blame the soju in his decision. despite however much he might want to.
it’s been two months since the night he agreed, and two months of doing his best to hide it. he’s hid it for years and years, so they have no reason to suspect something like this. but that just makes yoongi feel worse; that he’s technically lying to them. they have no clue, and he’s stringing them along obliviously.
he knows his members. logically he knows they won’t be disgusted, or kick him out of the band. but it’s the paranoia and insecurity in the back of his head, telling him otherwise. and even if weren’t necessarily disgusted-he would be out of the relationship.
he can already imagine the conversation, the burn in his eyes as he nods, already knowing his fate. and he can’t even blame them. it’s his fault he’s broken. he can’t stand the thought of burdening them and dragging down their relationship.
and regret. he won’t be able to look at their faces as they fill with so much regret, cringing as they reflect back on the days where they begged and courted yoongi so he would join them. he denied vehemently every time, for this exact purpose. knowing what it would eventually come to.
it wasn’t hard at first. the only struggle the first few weeks was the guilt gnawing at him, whispering in his ear as he kissed them. because it wasn’t like he minded kissing-not most of the time, anyway. kissing was...nice. he liked it. he liked the sensualness of it, and the closeness he felt with the other person. he relished in the soft touches and quiet exhales, admiring the pink gloss of his boyfriends lips.
the first time he had to make an excuse was three weeks after they made it official, when jimin and yoongi had been making out. all of the sudden, jimin had let out a moan, and yoongi could feel the affect he had on him. he didn’t mind the hardness, if anything, he felt slightly smug and amazed that they were turned on by him. he just...wasn’t sure how to act on it.
it was clear jimin wanted to go further, by the subtle rut of his hips, and yoongi had panicked. he was scared jimin was going to initiate sex, and he wasn’t sure how to turn that down without being obvious or upsetting the younger. so he offered a hand job, eyes imploring.
jimin had, obviously, agreed and yoongi complied. it wasn’t...that bad. he didn’t mind it all to much, most likely because it was with jimin. he did get a boner from it, not that he planned to act on it.
after that, that was his go to. anytime he felt one of his boyfriends was going to initiate sex, he pulled the hand job card. after doing it several times, he got used to it. he never did mind it, and he would admit to enjoying watching them squirm from his touch. soon, he was comfortable with it.
but even he knew he couldn’t get away with that for long. it wasn’t like they were pressuring him for sex, because they weren’t. but it showed how badly they wanted it each time. yoongi wanted to cave in-he really did-but he just couldn’t. it was something he couldn’t force himself to do.
he knew it was suspicious when they tried to return the favor and he denied them, making up an excuse. he wasn’t blind to their hurt and confusion, but he couldn’t address it. so instead he hid behind the shield he put up, allowing himself to be selfish just a little longer.
he broke and gave seokjin a blow job once, a little over a month into their relationship. he figured it wouldn’t be as bad as the ones he’d previously given years ago, because it was seokjin. beautiful, handsome, charming seokjin. everything about him was stunning. and yoongi didn’t hate it, until he gagged and felt the tip touching the back of his throat.
he sucked it up (literally and figuratively) until it was over, then ran off with an excuse of a shower. he leaned against the cold tiles, tears making their way to his eyes as he broke down. he wasn’t sure how much longer he could do it.
despite knowing better, a few days later he gave one to jungkook. it was the same thing, tolerable until he was being gagged and it got rough. he left with a shitty excuse and found himself crying again. he remembers the ball he curled into, and his feeling of being peak pathetic. he couldn’t even please his boyfriends; couldn’t even give them that. and it hurt.
but somehow he stumbled along another messy month, until now.
it started off as movie night, everyone warm and nestled together as they let hoseok pick a movie. slowly, as it commonly did, it switched into something more.
hoseok and namjoon began making out on their shared spot at the armchair. they weren’t hiding it. if anything, hoseok was purposefully flaunting it for the sake of it. not that any of their boyfriends minded, after all.
it progressed into seokjin and jimin’s stirring movements on the other couch, also not hiding it. taehyung, who was behind him, slowly wrapped his arms around his hyung. he pressed kisses against the side of yoongi’s neck, fingers dancing across the bare skin of his arm. jungkook, to the left of him, caught on. his round eyes were blown with lust at the sight, and he instantly reacted.
before yoongi could do something (though what could he really do?) jungkook was palming him through his shorts. yoongi really hoped the maknae would leave it at that. but he didn’t. of course he didn’t. jungkook always has an obsessive need to please, and this was no different.
his gaze didn’t flicker and he watched, mesmerized and satisfied, as the tent in yoongi’s shorts grew. he teased for a a few seconds, fingers light, as taehyung whispered in his ear.
and before he knew what was happening, jungkook was tugging his shorts down, along with his boxers. the cool air hit yoongi’s dick, and he flinched, even more so when jungkook bent his head down.
yoongi panicked, mind whirring and desperately thinking for a way out, when the youngest took him whole in his mouth, cheeks hollowing.
the thing is-yoongi wasn’t blind. he knew his blissful jungkook looked, cheeks full and lips glossy and puckered. he knew he should be delighted to have taehyung stroking his abdomen and neck, to have jungkook deep throating him.
but he didn’t like it. he hated the sounds, the movement, the feeling-all of it.
jungkook, eager to please, licked a stripe down his dick teasingly, before taking him whole again. taehyung tensed, clearly waiting for a big reaction from yoongi. he didn’t get one.
yoongi sat still, eyes screwed shut and praying this would end soon, but it didn’t look like it would. jungkook seemed insistent on making his hyung come no matter what.
taehyung seemingly decided to help, lips sucking at the skin below his ear and hands rubbing slow circles on his exposed skin.
they were building yoongi up, but not in the way they expected. because suddenly, he burst into tears, demanding,”get off! get off me!”
he squirmed frantically, jungkook and taehyung instantly backing away. everyone in the room turned to look at him, eyes wide and imploring. yoongi sat with his head in his hands, heart racing and more tears threatening to spill. when he came back to his senses, he pulled back up his shorts and underwear and attempted to stabilize his breathing. finally, he relaxed.
he looked up hesitantly, eyes still watering despite his best efforts, and immediately locked eyes jungkook. his heart broke.
jungkook was curled into himself, on the complete opposite side of the couch, and looking on the brink of a breakdown. tears were filling his large eyes and spilling down his cheeks, such a contrast from just half a minute ago.
he risked a glance at taehyung, who was frozen. for once, his face was anything but blank, and he also looked about to cry.
“hyung,” namjoon said, slowly, addressing yoongi.
“yes,” he barely breathed out the words.
“are you okay?”
what a shitty question. he should be asking taehyung and jungkook, who look for all the world like they’re horrible people. jimin moves up from his previous seat and huddles beside jungkook, gently whispering to him while still staring at yoongi.
he nods. then, after a moment, shakes his head.
“i-i’m sorry,” jungkook’s voice breaks the silence, sounding pitiful and small and not at all how it should. “i’m so sorry hyung, i...i don’t know-“
“it’s not your fault.” again, yoongi’s voice comes out as a whisper. “or yours, taehyung.” he turns to the other maknae, who’s currently swallowed in a hug by hoseok. everyone seems afraid to touch yoongi, and he doesn’t blame them after his outburst.
“please talk to us,” namjoon begs. “yoongi, we need to know what’s going on. please.”
the leader shouldn’t be begging. and yet he was. it sounded so wrong in yoongi’s ears, yet he could hardly hear it over the roaring guilt.
“do you think we’re ugly?” jimin’s voice was quiet, and unsteady, but not offended.
“no!” yoongi rushes. “not at all.”
“then why...” he trails off sadly.
“why don’t you do things with us? are we going to fast?” seokjin softly asks.
again, yoongi shakes his head. he looks up, one by one meeting everyone’s gazes, before dropping his head again in shame. he can’t do this looking at them.
“we need to breakup. i’m sorry. it’s not your guys’ fault.” just as he anticipated, his eyes burn and it’s impossible to swallow.
the air in the room suddenly seems suffocating, broken by voices. yoongi doesn’t listen to any of them. he stands, defeated, and leaves.