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"I got you Marigold. I got you." Marcus repeated softly.
I had been knocked backward by the explosion and hit the wall roughly. My head was thrumming with pain and I reached out to touch the bump I knew was already forming. I hissed as I touched the side of my head, my hand coming into contact with blood and a large gash. I left my head alone after that and began looking out towards my surroundings.
The beautiful painting that had hung upon the wall was on fire and wilting on the floor. I winced as I continued surveying the scene. I could see Likan unmoving on the floor a few meters ahead of me. I tried to crawl toward him, but Marcus held me back. I looked to him and he just shook his head. I had already lost to much people in this damn war and couldn't afford to shed tears for all of them, but Likan had been a dear friend. I let out a choked sob, slightly hysterical, before burying my head in Marcus' chest, ignoring the pain that bloomed when the gash on my head came in contact with his chest. Marcus held me and we sat like that for a long time.
I knew we should get out of here, in case there were more of Junton's army coming. But I couldn't bring myself to. Who did I have left to go to? Marcus was here, but he had his own family to look after and I couldn't possibly ask him to leave them behind. I was just so tired of fighting. All the anger had drained away a long time ago, and now I just felt so very tired. I shook off the arms that were surrounding me and went to stand up.
"Stop Marigold! You're injured!" Marcus cried, but I was having none of it. I grabbed onto a stone protruding from the wall and shakily stood up. Marcus knew better than to try and help me, as I would just shrug him off.
Holding onto the wall, I made my way over to Likan's body. He looked so very young like this, his lips spread slightly and his eyes glazed over, unseeing. I took a deep breath and continued walking forward, not sparing another glance to his now cold body. Marcus followed me all the way to the door, where I suddenly stopped. I turned around and just looked at him. Worry etched lines graced his face and he had cuts and bruises all over his body. His lips were down turned into a frown and he looked so sickeningly concerned.
"Go home, Marcus." I whispered softly.
"But..." He tried to cut in, but I guess something about the way I looked at him stopped him.
"You have a family back home, Marcus. A family that needs you. I'm tired, Marcus. I don't think I can do this anymore. Thank you for everything, but please, go home now." I said almost pleadingly.
"Will I ever see you again?" He asked, his voice impossibly small and helpless.
I sighed before saying, "I don't think so." I walked away after that.
He didn't follow me.
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"How could this have happened? I gave you one task, keep the girl within arms reach at all times. How could you have failed this one task!" Junton bellowed out, his rage almost tangible.
Marcus just bowed his head even lower before replying, "I could not just force her to stay with me. That would have roused her suspicions immediately. Besides, she was telling me to go away, my Lord. I tried to refute, but she was insistent."
Jotun clenched his teeth and shook with rage. He knew that his underling couldn't have made her stay, but he was furious nonetheless. How dare that impudent brat get away, so easily to boot.
"Get out of my sight. Do not leave the grounds. Is that understood?" Jotun ordered coldly, the venom in his voice clear.
"Understood, my Lord." Marcus replied, bowing deeply once more, before making his way out of the room.
Jotun ordered everyone else out of the room as well. As soon as the door shut, he took the porcelain cup sitting on the table next to him and hurled it against the wall. The white porcelain shattered from the force.
While Marigold wasn't essential to his plans, she could've been very useful. He was disgusted at himself, getting upset because of his pawns got away. He was better than this and would do as he always did when something unexpected happened. He would make another plan.
There was no use sending his already stretched thin forces to go on some sort of man hunt for this one girl. He'll leave her be for now, since she didn't really matter in the long run.
He would have to think of a fitting punishment for Marcus though. He had failed his mission, and everybody gets punished for failing a mission, no matter the circumstances.
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I took a deep breath as I stood at the edge of the shoreline, my shoes almost touching the receding water. The Moraine Lake in Alberta, Canada always managed to calm the storm brewing in my mind. If there was one place I felt at peace at, it was here.
The crisp, slightly thin air and the ever so blue lake were in a way, magical. My past seemed so distant here and all my worries subsided for the moment. War had never touched this place, it had never destroyed the ethereal beauty Moraine Lake always seemed to have in abundance.
I took another slow, deep breath and expelled the air out quickly in a practiced maneuver before turning around and walking back the way I came. I walked slowly, taking in the sights.
I stopped at a low hanging branch that held the nest of five young Eastern Kingbirds. The mother was nowhere to be seen, probably out hunting for food to feed her little chicks. The five chicks sat quietly, huddled together to preserve warmth. I stood there for a moment more before resuming my walk.
I had decided on my stay here that I would leave France for good. No more running back and getting involved. I penned several short letters to those still alive and wrote that I was leaving for good and that they would probably never see me again.
"It's hard to fight for a cause you don't believe in." I wrote that in every single letter I sent.
After I left, I was conflicted as to what to do next. So, I came here to clear my mind and think. I was thinking about traveling the world, see what it has to offer. Maybe I would head over to America to see the Angel's Landing in Utah. It's relatively close by and I heard it was very beautiful. I couldn't stay here forever, no matter how much I wished otherwise.
Before any of that though, I would first have to head over to the bank.
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Marcus silently got out of bed as dawn broke out overhead. He had already overstayed his welcome and quietly berated himself for allowing himself to fall asleep.
He gathered his crumpled clothes from the corner of the room and slipped them on. He tried to smooth out the wrinkled in the fabric and make himself appear presentable. He eventually gave up and went to make his way out of the room.
He stopped for a moment and looked back to the body on the bed. The slow-acting poison was already working its magic as the mans breathing slowed before becoming nonexistent. Marcus allowed himself to sigh and then carried on out the bedroom door. It was a shame, really. The target, the man on the bed, had been such a good fuck. If Marcus didn't have to kill him, he would've been back for seconds.
Marcus slipped out of the house and walked back to base. The morning air was chilly and Marcus pulled his jacket closer to his body. The base was about 13 kilometers away and Marcus prepared himself for a long walk.
It had already been 2 months since Marigold had disappeared and Marcus was annoyed. He knew a drawback of undercover missions were that when you made friends with somebody, it takes a while before you stop thinking about them. Marcus had experienced this many times before and knew that in a little while, he would forget about Marigold, just like all the other friends he's made on a mission, but it was still annoying nonetheless.
The sun warmed Marcus' chilled hands and washed over his whole body. While the sex wasn't usually bad, he would rather not do anymore grunt work or seduction missions. As his punishment for failing his mission, Junton had assigned him 6 months of grunt work and seduction missions. They were tedious and the work was monotonous.
Marcus sighed and looked upward toward the sky. He wanted to be back in the field, working undercover missions. It's what he was best at and enjoyed the most. But he took his punishment without a word and worked to the best of his ability. The less he invoked his Lord's ire, the quicker his punishment will pass.
Marcus looked toward the sky once more before picking up his pace.
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The inky black sky seemed to swallow up the stars, only the barest hint of light making it through. The moon seemed to shine off to the side, bathing everything in a ethereal glow.
The forest was settling down for the night, the noises fading away to background noise. I was stretched out on the forest floor, content to just watch the stars. I was coming to realize something in my travels, but refused to acknowledge them in favor of just relaxing.
I was in the Conecuh National Forest in Alabama stargazing as of right now. It was nearing 11 at night and the stars were out in full force. The dark sky seemed to envelop the stars as more of them began to show as it got darker. There was nothing but the tops of tall trees that blocked my view of the ever-expanding cluster of stars.
I got comfortable before whispering to myself, "Julian." It was the only time I acknowledged the deep-festering thoughts I had been harboring for a long time. But now is not the time, nor the place to own up to the thoughts I already know are true.
My happiness will just have to wait for me to catch up.
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Marcus let out an inaudible sigh in between sipping his coffee. It was nearing midnight and the bright fluorescent lamp was irritating his eyes to no end. He hadn't felt the sun warm his skin in nearly 67 hours.
The library he was holed up in didn't have much natural light filtering through and was musty. The scent of old books nearly made him gag the first time he had entered the library.
'Grunt work is horrendous. Thank fuck that I only have one month left before I can resume my regular duties.' Marcus thought as he idly flipped another page in a very long and dry history book.
He had been assigned with researching the Fallow Agents, a group of herbicides that were used in chemical warfare decades ago. Though the Fallow Agents were inherently old in nature, they were extremely toxic, and if used correctly, fatal to those who encountered it. [Think Operation Ranch Hand - Vietnam War]
Nobody knew how to recreate the Fallow Agents, so Marcus was sent to research them and give the scientists working at the lab useful information. It was long, tedious work and he was just about ready to pull his hair out in frustration.
Marcus had been there for almost three days, fueled by too much coffee, sandwiches provided to him, and a hatred for researching and books in general. He had been told not to leave until he had found something useful to report. Which was frustrating seeing as the people who had made the herbicides were long dead and left little to no information on how they had created the Fallow Agents.
The books he had read already were mostly filled with speculation and the history of the organization called the Doppelgänger, German for doppelganger. The Doppelgänger was based in Germany and was a small company that was contracted with the government of that time. The company lost funding around 40 years ago and had died out.
The underground library was still intact though and Marcus was currently reading through the most relevant books. The information on the Fallow Agents was limited and was buried in long and dry books.
Marcus had some things of importance written down, but still needed more evidence to make it relevant. He looked toward the stack of books to his left that he still needed to read and groaned. It was going to be a while before he got to see the sun again.
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"Are you looking to rent a room, sir?" The receptionist asked me, startling me out of my daydream.
"Ah, yes. My name is... Julian." I said, slightly stumbling over my name.
It was a new experience, calling myself Julian. I had struggled with this almost all my life, usually just pushing it to the back of my mind. But, now that I was finally living for myself, I had decided to confront the thoughts head on.
"For how many nights?" The receptionist asked me.
"Just three, I think." I said, ducking my head down.
I was always a peculiar child. My aunt always told me such when I refused to wear the proper clothing. I remember one instant where she was holding a party and said I was to wear the clothes she had picked out for me.
"Now dear, you have to wear this dress tonight." My aunt had told me, slightly frustrated with my reluctance.
"But, why? I don't like dresses. Why can't I wear a shirt and pants like Jacob?" My 6 year old self had asked.
Jacob was a childhood friend I had. He always wore pants and a t-shirt out and I had been jealous that he got to wear that so easily while I had to fight my aunt to let me wear those kind of clothes. I haven't seen him in a long time.
"Why? Because you are a girl and Jacob is a boy. It isn't proper for you to wear what he does. You are a girl, and girls wear dresses." My aunt lectured me.
It was the first time I had seen the clear cut differences between girls and boys. It was very upsetting to me and it seemed that my whole world had shifted then. Later that night, I told my aunt that I felt sick and excused myself to my room. I had taken the dress I was wearing off and angrily threw it down. I didn't know why I was so angry and sad, but at that moment, I blamed it all on the dress. For the rest of that night, I laid in bed and cried.
"There's two rooms available at the moment, sir. One is on the second floor and is just a standard room. The cost of one night there is 434 dollars. The other room is on the seventh floor and has an ocean view. The cost of one night there is 1682 dollars." The receptionist said to me.
I winced at the prices before saying, "I'll just take the standard room."
She nodded, booking the room on her computer before saying, "The total cost is 1302 dollars."
I nodded before handing her my information so she could charge the bill to my bank account. She handed my information back to me, as well as the room key.
She smiled before saying, "Enjoy your stay here."
I nodded once again before making my way to the stairways. I made my way over to the second floor and to the room number on the key. I opened the door and entered, taking my shoes off as well. The bed was in the center of the room, and I went over and laid down on top of the covers.
After that day, I refused to wear dresses. That had led to a lot of arguments between my aunt and I over the years. I was stubborn and so was she.
On her deathbed, a few years back, she looked at me for a long time before whispering, "I think I finally understand now."
She took my hand in her hands, patting it once, before smiling softly and telling me, "I would love you no matter what. No matter what."
When she said that, I didn't know exactly what she meant, but I buried my head in her lap and cried. She had died a few days after that, and I was wrecked with grief, but I had also felt a certain peace, knowing that she accepted me no matter what.
I was finally starting to accept myself, after all these years. I cut my hair to the way I'd always envisioned it, and it made all the difference. Such a simple act made me feel more whole and myself .
My wardrobe hadn't changed that much, but it contained a lot more slacks and sweats. I had also bought more button-ups, sweatshirts, and hoodies. It was freeing, just wearing what I wanted. I had no idea that I was restricting myself so much.
I had taken steps to change my name from Marigold to Julian officially. I had a friend that worked in the government that had my paperwork to change my name and sex on all legal documents go through quickly. Everything from my birth certificate, to my bank account had to be changed. It would've been a long, tedious process to change all that, but my friend had helped a lot and got all that changed in a matter of a week instead of several months.
I was now officially Julian Alanis, a male, instead of Marigold Alanis, a female.
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Marcus was beyond tired. He just wanted to go home and pass out. He stumbled out the door of the lab, his usual poise gone. He knew he must smell and look absolutely horrendous, considering he hadn't showered in over three and a half weeks.
He spent two weeks researching the Fallow Agents before he found solid evidence about how the Fallow Agents were created. He had alerted the lab immediately and they had sent him a cab in record time to pick him up.
The next week and a half he had spent in the lab, recalling all the information he had gathered. They had sent someone back to the library to pick up the books he had got his information from, and then continued grilling him for information and how he had gotten to certain conclusions.
After they had gotten all the information from him, they deemed it time to send him home. He had been warned that they may have need for him again and he physically shuddered when they told him that. He had gotten no sympathy, but was instead loaded into a cab and taken home.
While Marcus didn't find out exactly how the Fallow Agents were created, he gave them a good base to work from, which was exponentially better than what they had before.
Marcus dozed to sleep on and off again, lulled by the motion of the cab. He was woken by the cab driver yelling at him to get out. He searched blindly for his wallet to pay the cab driver, swaying as he did so.
"The bill has already been taken care of." The cab driver told him.
'Small mercies.' Thought Marcus, relaxing slightly.
"Now get the hell out of my car." The cab driver told him gruffly.
Marcus reached for the car door and opened it. He grew dizzy as he stepped out of the cab, taking a moment to stabilize himself by leaning on the car door. He stood there a moment before closing the car door and nodding at the cab driver through the window in thanks. The cab driver nodded back before speeding away.
'Thank fuck my apartment is on the first floor.' Thought Marcus as he dragged himself through the lobby doors and to his apartment.
Once he got into his apartment, he barely remembered to kick his shoes off before going to his bed and collapsing on it. It was only then, halfway to falling asleep, did he realize that his punishment of grunt work and seduction missions of a period of 6 months, was finally over. He would finally get to do undercover missions again.
Marcus fell asleep with a grin that night, amidst the pain and exhaustion.
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"I'm going to put you under the anesthesia now. Can you countdown from 10 to me?" The doctor asked me, smiling at me reassuringly. I nod, and he puts the mask over my face. I breathe in and start counting down.
"10."
All the pain I've had to go through for this to be possible was definitely not worth it, but I was happy anyways. I don't regret anything, but if I had a choice to go back and change things, I would.
"9."
I wish my aunt was here, so she could reassure me and soothe my fears. She is dead though, but I feel assured by the words said on her deathbed. She would love me no matter what.
"8."
I may have cut myself from the only home I've ever known, but I know I'm all the better for it. I may never be fully okay, but I got time to heal, and that makes all the difference.
"7."
All the people I left behind, I may never see them again, and I'm oddly okay with that. I realize that I don't need them, and it's okay for me to not need them. I have myself, and that's enough.
"6."
I was starting to lose consciousness. I smile, content.
"5..."
I was so unsure about getting the surgery. I know that has reconstruction of the body has completely changed from the past, and that it will change my biological makeup from female to male as well as how I look on the outside. But I was still nervous. I know that once the surgery is over, I'll be a male completely, and I can't crush that hope inside me. That I'll finally be me .
"..."
I woke up a few hours later. I was on a hospital bed, hooked to some machines. I saw a nurse in my room, and I tried to grab his attention.
"Hello?" I said, my voice scratchy.
"Oh, you're finally awake." He walked over to me and grabbed a cup of water next to me on he bedside table.
"Here, drink some water. It'll help your throat." He tilted the cup into my mouth, and I swallowed the water down, my throat feeling a lot better.
"Now I'm sure you want to know about how you're surgery went." He said, smiling.
I nodded, unsure.
"There's no need to be nervous. The doctor is currently in the OR with another patient, so I'll be the one to relay how your surgery went. It was a complete success! Everything went smoothly and you have been sleeping for about 5 hours. You should be able to leave the hospital in about 2 days, once you're fully healed. If you want, I can show you pictures on how your chest and private parts turned out. We can't take off the bandages right now, but in about a day, you should be able to see the real life results." He said cheerily.
I nodded, before asking, "Can I see the pictures?"
He nodded before pulling out the pictures out of a folder next to my bed. My chest looked like how I always pictured it, if not a little bloody. My private parts turned out really well. I couldn't believe I finally had a dick! I almost cried out of happiness. The nursed smiled once more, before leaving me to look at the pictures alone.
I settled on the hospital bed, holding the pictures to my, now flat, chest. I fell asleep, finally content with how my life was turning out.