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“Let’s get married.” he said.
“Right now?” I replied.
“Why? Too sudden? You don’t want Eri?”
“It’s not that. But do you even love me? Or just like me?” I exasperated explained the situation to him.
“Of course I love you. You were always there for me right? In every difficult situation we faced before, you never left our side Eri, of course I love you.” I prevented myself to scream or even to produce any sound. The tears are already in the corner of my eyes. Threatening to be free from the constricting pain that my heart is suffering at the moment. I don’t actually want him to know. I don’t want him to know that I know him very much. To the point where I can read in his very visible eyes the guilt, the nervousness, and embarrassment. All at once, I can read him like the back of my hand but I don’t want him to feel more, apart from the emotions he’s already feeling right now. I know him too well and it hurts that he doesn’t know me as much I do. As much as I feel all the pain all at once, I suddenly felt the emotion of winning a charity award. Giving an acceptance speech even if I don’t deserve the award all this time and everyone in the world know how pathetic it looks and feels like. I never felt so embarrassed in my whole existence.
“Hey, Eri. I don’t want to see that kind of expression in your face. If you are worrying that I am just power tripping you, then I’ll ask you the proper question now. Will you marry me?” A long silence enveloped the two of us. The whole world lost its sound and vibration. All I can see and feel is his face and my beating heart – well my aching heart. And as much as I want to end this striking pain inside my chest, I can’t take away the fact that I felt so great even after winning this charity award. I’m being selfish. I know I am. But, who wouldn’t? It’s been five years. I’ve always and been aware how loyal he is towards his brothers and the craft he laid his eyes on. But, I also know that he’s not capable of loving me. Ever.
I sighed so deep, inhaling all the air my malfunctioning lungs can take. I hate him right now, I do. I’m no angel. I do love him but I’m entitled of feeling this emotion toward him. I can’t take away the fact that I still love him so much. Too much that I will take away his freedom away from him. Told you, I’m one hell of a selfish woman.
“Sure, I would love that… Who am I to say no to you?” I can’t almost hear my voice. It seems my voice was trapped somewhere behind his back or maybe was suffocated by my own loud beating heart.
“I will marry you for sure… Oh Sehun.” I calmly said to him, not minding the tears that slowly rolled to both of my cheeks. I just can’t.
I almost choke up but I still want to say these last words to him. “I will and always love and support you Sehun-a… Even in another life. Please believe me that I always pray for your happiness and huge smile. I live just for that. And now, I just can’t, you are fully aware that now, I can’t anymore. I will always remember you in any way possible. From the wide sky to the deep blue sea. I will always be here with you. I will wait for you, I will wait for the time that I can be with you. Always and forever.” I slowly shattered.
I can’t take the pain anymore. I was bleeding. My heart was already screaming for someone to help her. To take her from the deepness of the pain, her scream woke me up from another beautiful tragic sweet dream. I can’t escape; I am slowly dying, holding to his empty hands and waiting for his blood to come back once again. I drift apart from a song-like dream, a peaceful tragedy dream. That will keep me awake for so long. It will keep me for so long that even if I wail loud and scream until my voice leave me, nothing and no one can change the fact that he’s gone. Forever.