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If anyone asked Harvey Specter about his feelings surrounding love and relationships, his answer was short, clipped and always the same. “It's complicated.”
Harvey was as sure about that fact as he was about the ‘perfect game’, that there was no deal he couldn't close one way or another, and that Captain Kirk was the man in any galaxy. In other words, it was solid. That wasn't to say that Harvey was a stranger to love; no, he was very familiar with the heartache and destruction that always seemed to follow those particular emotions. Those seeds had been planted a long time ago. He couldn't have been more than eight the day he found the courage to ask his dad why he and his mom fought so much. The answer, after a quick kiss on his forehead? “It's complicated.” Harvey didn't understand at the time what that meant, but years later when he caught his mom cheating and she looked at him with shock and horror. He heard her answer his question of why the same way- it's complicated.
If his childhood didn't show him that love was something to avoid altogether, his stabs at it as an adult rammed the message home. It's not as if he never tried. He did. More than once even, like if he tried it enough it would finally work. Insanity. Scottie- was a lesson within herself. Her love was like a drug Harvey couldn't shake until it nearly ruined him. When he met Zoe, Harvey really thought he had found the one. But just as he was ready to seal the deal, her life went in a different direction and that was the end of that. Then there was Donna. They shared one night and now, years later, she wanted a do-over. He still hadn't found a way to tell her he didn't. Recently there was Paula, though he should've known that relationship was doomed from the start. There were at least ten movies that showed why entering a relationship with your therapist was never a good idea. And he could never forget his brief but passionate “relationship” (if you could call great arguments and even greater sex a relationship), with his friend and mentor.
So yes, in between a string of lovely bed warmers, Harvey had definitely entertained the idea of finding true love. But now that he was older, he was content knowing love was not in the cards for him. And that was just fine by him. Besides he was tired of living in turmoil. As he was putting the finishing touches on his tux, Harvey looked at his reflection sternly and made some decisions. He would get through the wedding, settle the shit with Donna and Paula, then - when Mike got back - rebuild the firm, together. Period. End of story. The days of Harvey Specter being ruled by other people's shit and emotions were over. Starting right the fuck…
“Harvey?” Mike’s footsteps were rushing towards his room.
“Yeah? I am almost done,” he answered easily.
Harvey looked up in time to see Mike coming through the door of his ensuite. His eyes were a bit wide and he was biting his lip like he often did when he was nervous. The two ends of his bowtie hung limply around his neck and he wouldn't meet Harvey’s gaze.
“What is it, kid? Got cold feet or something?” Harvey joked.
“Maybe,” he mumbled.
“What? Use your grown-up voice for crying out loud. How in the world are you going to convince Rachel and everyone else you said, ‘I do’ when they can't hear you?”
Harvey smiled, but Mike still wouldn't look up. Alarmed, Harvey walked over to where Mike was rooted to the floor.
“Hey, Mike. What is it?”
Like some switch had been flipped, Mike sprang into movement. “It’s... it's just this damn tie. I don't know why you insisted I wear the stupid thing, you know I can't tie it.”
“Because bow ties are cool.”
“Did you just quote The Doctor?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Harvey smirked, glad to see a small smile creep along Mike’s features. “Come here. I’ll tie it.”
Bow, perfectly tied, Harvey stepped back to marvel at his handiwork.
“How do I look?” Mike asked sheepishly.
“Like a man who is ready to get married. Now let’s go, before Louis panics and decides to show up here and accuse me of shirking my best man duties.”
The wedding venue was small, intimate. Just the way I would have done it, Harvey thought to himself. They were in a small anteroom waiting for things to get started when Harvey noticed that Mike once again looked off. He had started to pace and was mumbling to himself.
“Hey, calm down over there. You're wearing a hole in the carpet. Everything is going to be fine.”
Mike turned and started towards him. “Harvey, I have to tell you something, and I think waiting until after the wedding wouldn't be right.”
Sensing bad news, Harvey felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Gift or curse, his gut instincts rarely let him down.
“What is it, Mike? What are you struggling with?”
Mike inhaled deeply, then turned Harvey’s world upside down.
“What do you mean you are not coming back?” Harvey asked, his voice hollow and distant.
“Rachel and I thought it would be best for both of us. And I agree. We need a clean start. I need a clean start. So, after the honeymoon, we will be moving…”
Harvey didn't hear another word, the blood pounding in his ears blocked out everything else. His legs were moving, but he had no idea where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away, had to do… something. When Harvey was able to think again, he was bent over a nearby sink splashing water on his face. At least that’s what he thought he was doing. Despite the faucet being on, and his face being wet, his hands were dry. Breathing was another challenge. He couldn't breathe; couldn't catch his breath, even though he was taking in large gulps of air. His skin felt like it was on fire and someone was touching him, talking to him softly.
“Harvey… Harvey, talk to me. Are you okay?”
Jessica. Of course, it would be Jessica...
“I…,” he started. “He...” His voice refused to cooperate. Shit. Harvey hadn't had a panic attack this bad in a long time.
“Harvey, take your time. I’m right here.”
“Jess. He’s leaving.”
“Who? Who’s leaving?” she asked.
“Mike...” he choked out.
Jessica moved to lean against the sink and face him. A small smile graced her features.
“Well, that's what usually happens when people get married. They go on a honeymoon. But then…,” she continued in a sing-song voice as if he were an idiot.
“No, Jessica. He’s leaving. This isn't just a honeymoon. It’s goodbye.”
Goodbye. The word took up residence in Harvey’s brain like a flashing neon sign- and all of a sudden everything became...simple.
Mike was leaving. Yes, but that wasn't all, a small voice in his head cooed.
Mike wasn't coming back- closer, it continued.
Harvey didn't want Mike to leave. Yes, and….
Harvey didn't want Mike to leave him. Almost there, genius.
Ever. Fuck. He loved him. He was in love with Mike. Jackpot!
The thought reverberated through him like an electric shock. Sure, Harvey could admit he had a few stray thoughts of Mike- like how his lips would taste, or how he would feel stretched out beneath him, but those were few and far between. Sort of. But that didn't mean he was in love with the guy, did it?
“Finally get there?” she asked.
“What?”
“For a smart man, you can be pretty dumb. I've been watching you hide from your feelings for Mike for years. I did think you would have figured it out by now, but…”
“Jessica, I can't…I can't do this. I have to go.”
“Oh yes you can, and you will. You hear me. You are going to swallow those thoughts and all those pesky feelings you just realized you have and go out there and be the man Mike needs you to be. His best man.”
“I love him!” he shouted, unable to control his new-found emotions.
“What?” Another voice interrupted. Dammit. Harvey would know that voice anywhere.
“What did you say, Harvey?” Mike repeated.
Jessica grasped Harvey’s wrist and squeezed it briefly before pulling away from the counter and walking past him and Mike out the door. Harvey hung his head, unable to face the man he now knew he loved.
“It’s nothing.”
“The hell it is. What did you say?”
Harvey was known for being able to talk his way out of any situation. But right then and there, he couldn't think of one way out of his current predicament, let alone 146.
He turned to look at Mike. His face full of worry.
“I’m fine, Mike. Just a small panic attack. But I don't think I can stay. I have to go.”
Harvey gathered his pride and tried to shield himself as he walked past Mike, intent on never looking back.
“You’re not going to say it, are you? I’m never going to hear you say it,” he mumbled.
Harvey stilled, unable to turn around.
“What do you want me to say, Mike? That I love you? That I just realized this; on your wedding day no less? Well, there you go. I love you. Now if you will excuse me.”
Harvey pulled his coat tighter around him and walked out.
~~~
Harvey didn't remember how he got home. He didn't know how many times he refilled his glass while sloughed on his couch. All he knew was that Ray Charles was whaling about drowning in his own tears and he was onboard.
“You know, most people figure out they are in love with someone before they marry someone else,” a faraway voice said softly.
“I'm not most people,” he answered to the invisible voice in the room.
“Don't I know it, Specter.”
Harvey pried his eyes open to see Mike standing above him frowning.
“What are you doing here?” he murmured, exhausted.
“Honestly? I have no idea.”
Harvey scooted over and Mike plopped down next to him. “Maybe I just needed to be sure.”
“Sure of what?”
“That you meant it.”
Harvey turned to look at Mike. “It’s true. I do love you. And yes, I know I am an asshole for telling you this on your wedding day, but that doesn't mean it's not true...”
“Dammit, Harvey! All these years you let me believe I was nothing more than a friend. And today, on my fucking wedding day, you go and blurt out that you love me. You’re more than an asshole. You are a world class asshole.”
The words stung, but Harvey knew he deserved them and so much more for ruining Mike’s day.
“Mike, I swear, I’m sor...”
Harvey never finished his statement as Mike swallowed the rest of his words with his mouth; his tongue licking its way inside, obliterating Harvey’s thoughts. Harvey moaned and deepened the kiss, drinking deeply from Mike’s mouth. When they broke apart gasping for air, Mike’s eyes were wide, like he was just as shocked it happened.
“I never once thought...never let myself dream that I would get to do that.”
Harvey’s body was thrumming with want. Mike tasted like good whiskey, great music, and sunshine. He wanted nothing else but to fall back into Mike, but his conscience decided to come back online and quickly overruled his desire. He pushed Mike away.
“I can't do this. This isn't right,” Harvey mumbled, his voice heavy with regret.
“Neither is going through with a wedding when there could be someone else…”
“Stop. Just stop.” Harvey rose from the couch, intent on escaping.
“Harvey, will you just listen for a second…”
But Harvey was done. He picked up the half empty bottle on the end table and stormed to his bedroom, locking himself in. He took a quick swig from the bottle and braced his arms against the dresser. In what universe did a man wake up and moments before his best friend’s wedding to discover he was in love with the groom? Not that it changed anything. Mike was not his. He would not be like his parents. He would not cheat. He wouldn't take what wasn’t his. Today, he would do the right thing, no matter how much it hurt. And at that moment, the man in the mirror with his crumpled tux, swollen eyes and flushed face was hurting, more than he ever believed possible.
“Harvey?” Mike softly called out from the other side of the door. “Open the door. Don't shut me out. Just open the door so we can talk.”
Harvey debated ignoring Mike’s request. But when had he ever denied Mike anything? He angrily stalked back to the door and opened it. Placing himself face to face with Mike.
“Fine. You want to talk? Answer me this. Why are you still here?” The words were gruff and marred with his best defensive weapon- anger.
“I told you, I wanted to know if you meant it,” he answered; his eyes never leaving Harvey’s.
“And I told you I did. Let’s not make this any harder than it needs to be. Just go.”
“I can't.”
“Mike...”
“Harvey. For the second time in my life, I have left my fiancée on our wedding day. For you.”
Harvey closed his eyes and sighed. Guilt washed over him like a wet blanket, as he thought back to the day he drove Mike to Danbury. Mike’s hands on his waist startled him back to the conversation.
“I didn't regret it then, and I don't regret it now. Especially if there is a chance there could be something more between us. So here I am. I’m just a boy standing in front of another boy, asking if he could love him. If you’ll have me.”
Everything about the whole situation was wrong. That didn't mean he wasn't tempted. Harvey wanted nothing more than to give in. He was supposed to say no; supposed to stay strong and stand firm in his convictions. Instead, his arms found their way around Mike’s waist.
“You know, that's not how that quote went.”
Mike chuckled lightly. “I needed something to get through that thick skull of yours. So come on, Harvey, what do you say? Care to take a chance with me?”
“Mike, I’ve been taking chances with you since the moment we met.”
“Then what's one more,” Mike answered, his lips ghosting over Harvey’s.
Harvey hummed quietly, losing himself in the feel of Mike’s kiss, the feel of Mike’s body pressed against his own. He wanted this; wanted Mike in every and all ways possible.
“Despite what you think, if we do this, our lives will get very complicated,” Harvey warned when they pulled apart.
“So be it,” Mike whispered against Harvey’s lips. “You and I do complicated well.”
“That we do, Mike. That we do,” Harvey answered, dragging Mike into his bedroom and closing the door.