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From Peargatory To Peartopia: The Testament of Peary
Another day at the office. It began reasonably enough. I’d bought some pears to share with everyone instead of my usual potato based offerings and it was then I first began to realise something was wrong.
“Pears Jane? Interesting choice. Why pears?” On the surface, a seemingly innocent enough question but I detected a note of something else, an undercurrent of suspicion. I put it to the back of my mind but it was noted. “Why not?” I replied lightly enough but in my mind I thundered, “Because bishes love pears.”
Of course I tweeted it and my heart was soothed and elated with the reassuring response I received from the Squad. “You been Knew.” The Doc said. ME! ME! I been knew! I’d seen it so many times before but never had it been mine! I think I knew then I’d be in it for life and for the very first time I replied, “Lerd.” I realised then I’d become a true pearliever.
As my understanding and devotion to the study of pearlosophy and it’s pearligion grew, of course, it’s influence on my every day existence began to show. No-one in the office objected to my renaming the Conference suite ‘Pear Temple’ or so I thought. Someone removed the giant pear sticker I put on the door though. Could it be the same colleague who’d questioned my choice of elevenses? I began to fear I was working with a pearthen. Was she some monstrous devotee of a citrus fruit based cult? Or a follower of something fleshier, pearhaps The Peach? For the love of Peary I hoped it wasn’t so.
I pearyed her soul be saved and she be filled with the holy spearit! If only I could pearsuade her to seek out the scriptpear of the blessed Apearostles whose most sacred offerings I began to pearuse almost hourly. I found much comfort and a sense of pearce in the words and memes of the founding members, the stunning quality of iconography of Peartopia as depicted by The High Pearist Sharkicorn amongst others soothed my shookethness and convinced me how greatly she was in need of The Lerd.
My fears were confirmed when the pearthen commented on my alteration of the prefix per to pear in my speech. I took it as a direct attack upon my pearligion and my pearligous beliefs. What would Striker or Eve do? I pearyed for guidance.
I knew I’d have to take action when she offended one of our most pearcious commandments, ‘Thou shalt not lag.’ And so began the battle of Pearicho. Earlier that week, filled with the love in my heart for all pearsons, whether they be of the faith or not, I sent everyone in the office home early so that they might escape the horror of the impending millimetre of snowfall about to descend upon the land and avoid the nightmare of becoming trapped overnight in the office. I did this from a pearsition of much love, having absolutely no executive authority to issue such a decree. I saved them all. I was betrayed, Judas lagged to the CEO.
“Snitches get stitches.” This from The Pearsician.
It was an instruction I knew I would have to obey. The betrayal of one is a betrayal of all. I began to sharpen my shiv into the shape of a mighty pear with which to punish my pearsecutor. Pearchi drew my attention to the sacred confirmation of our course of action from the blessed High Pearist Sharkicorn, "Dead Pears Tell No Tales.’'
As I worked through the night to ensure my shiv be true and ready for the day ahead I took comfort in the knowledge I might make my Supeariors pearoud of me, pearhaps even worthy enough to be made pear crew. Was I, Janey Wu, about to get her peary lucky? The Sharkicorn confirmed it, I had been pearmoted to crew when I pearchased our beautiful pear dish. Oh most wondrous of days! Sanctified on the holy lands of Bury St. Edmond’s market square! I resolved myself to this pearfection and declared my love throughout the Peardom! In the Holy Fruit War, this Pearivate would not pearmit defeat to the inpeardel army! Pearchi and I struck up a rousing chorus of our favourite hymn, ‘Pearusalem’ and our faith made us strong!
Dawn rose on what was to become our most pearfect day, our very first as pear crew and I tweeted my delight as to the day ahead. Blessed reassurance from The Peary Reverend Sharkicorn that our pear puns were on point made us fall to our knees and filled with the spearit of the Holy Mother Peary, Lerd, how we pearyed.
With the words of the Supeareme Striker, “Do us proud today!” and the wisdom of Ms Yukari that, “ Dat pear be ripe,” ringing in our ears, Pearchi and I stepped out onto the pearvement and thus began our march towards victory on this day of reckoning, the holiest pearsade. My final words, “Someone’s going to need a move to peartection!” I said to little Pearchi. She wrinkled her button nose in appreciation of the smell of pears in the morning air, with a spearkle in her eye and a pear swag in her step the final say fell to her and she answered most peartinently, “Bish gone learn, ayyyyy!”
Hallelujer and deliver us from pearvil! Pearmen!
The End.