Chapter Text
Barry paced nervously, biting his lip and hands twitching as they fiddled with his phone. Ten minutes ago he had called Jo and Iris, asking if he could meet up with them and talk at dinner that night. Every so often his gaze slid to the clock, but the time went by both far too slowly and far too speedily for his liking. He wanted it done and he wanted it done now. But he also never wanted it done. Without realising it, Barry had slipped into faster and faster breathing, now bordering on hyperventilation. The world blurred around him as his chest tightened, and only his subconscious seemed to realise that his legs had buckled and he now sat on the cold concrete of his lab.
“Allen, I want you to go over the samples for – oh shit!” Footsteps echoed across the room and someone knelt down beside the CSI. Vaguely Barry listened as a comforting male voice murmured reassurances in his ear, telling him to breath. Telling him that everything would be okay.
Several minutes slipped by before Barry had slowed his breathing down and collected his thoughts. Nervously he lifted his head and looked straight into the concerned eyes of David Singh; his boss. A deep flush crawled up his neck, and Barry’s eyes darted around the room in the hope of avoiding the humiliation of his boss seeing him break down.
“Barry, can you please look at me?” Though it was phrased as a question, Barry knew an order when he heard it. Tentatively, he looked into the Captain’s eyes once more.
“Could you please tell me what got you in this state?” Barry was shocked to hear the gentle concern in the man’s voice. He coughed nervously, running a shaking hand through his hair.
“I…I have dinner with Iris and Joe soon.”
Singh raised an eyebrow. “Is that so bad? They are basically your family, after all. You live at Joe’s house. Did something happen between you guys?” It wouldn’t be the first time there had been drama in the family. Singh was just relieved Joe had finally accepted Eddie. That meant there would be no more glaring contests between the two men in work.
“No, nothing has happened. I just – I need to talk to them, and I’m scared of how it’ll go.”
“Well Allen, unless you’re planning on confessing your undying love for Iris again, I’m sure they’ll both be on your side.” Singh smirked a bit at the look of shock and mortification on Allen’s face. Suddenly, an awful thought occurred to Singh. “You…aren’t, are you? Please say you aren’t. For my blood pressure.”
Barry laughed shakily. It was an honour, in some respect, to be able to cause his boss stress just from his love life. But then he sobered.
“No, I – as unbelievable as it sounds, I never…never liked Iris. Not that way. It was just easier.”
Singh couldn’t help but feel he was on more familiar turf than the unrequited love of Barry Allen for Iris West.
“Would you be willing to tell me more specifics on why you pretended being in love with your adoptive sister most of your life?”
Singh studied the boy with a critical eye, taking in the way the shaking in his hands increased and how his eyes reflected fear and indecision. Then Barry looked at Singh, eyes darting down to the engagement ring on the man’s finger, before settling for staring at his own hands.
“I like men.”
Barry looked shocked with himself and Singh guessed this was the first time he had admitted it out loud before. He couldn’t help but swell with pride, just a little, that he was the person Barry ended up confiding this to. Then he shook himself. Now wasn’t the time for pride; it was the time to give comfort and support.
“And you think that they would have issues with that?” He was curious in what the answer might be. Joe had never disrespected him for his sexuality, but had never exactly voiced support either. He just carried on as if nothing happened; something Singh had appreciated greatly at the time. But now as he looked at the terrified kid in front of him, who was nodding slightly to his question, he wondered if he had misjudged Joe.
“Well, yeah. Basically. Joe has said – that is to say, he doesn’t –“ Barry broke off, and a frustrated look drifted across his face.
“Barry, you can be honest with me. Whatever you have to say, I’m sure I have heard it before.” Singh commented gently.
“Okay well he has made a lot of comments. Like he’ll see two men holding hands on tv or something and he’ll say ‘that’s disgusting’, and he was pretty angry when the whole gay marriage thing succeeded. Or when I got bullied in high school and called gay, he interrogated me to make sure that I wasn’t gay, then was all sympathetic when he had deemed me an ‘innocent victim wrongly accused of being gay’. As if me being gay would suddenly justify them for beating me up! It’s just stuff he says sometimes that really bugs me. Same with Iris. She used to make heaps of comments about gay kids at school and at uni. It was awful. Like I know lots of people have legit reasons to be worried about coming out, like getting beat up by their parents or disowned, but I’m just nervous about telling him.”
Singh listened patiently, waiting for Barry to get it out of his system. He had to admit, he felt disappointed that that was how Joe felt. He liked the man, and didn’t like the idea that the man may harbour some negative emotions about him for being gay.
“Barry, you need to know that you have every right to feel worried. It’s a scary situation to be in. I was terrified. And you should have seen Rob. Shaking worse than you are.”
Barry just nods half-heartedly, so Singh decides to push forward.
“And what about loving Iris?”
“Well Joe kept talking about how magical it would be for Iris and I to fall in love and live happily ever after. I figured I should go with that. The last two times I ‘declared my love’ was when he was getting suspicious about me never talking about girls.”
David was stunned. He by no means believed homophobia to be over, but he thought that by now, people going to such extremes to hide their sexuality would be over.
“Right. And is there any reason why you now are wanting to come out? Not that you need one, of course.”
“I just figured it was time to stop pretending, you know?”
Singh did know. He remembered how much easier he slept at night after he had come out. He remembered Rob’s carefree smile just after he had come out to his parents.
“Well, I think you’re brave and should be proud of yourself. It takes a lot of guts to do what you’re about to do.”
Barry smiled up at him. “Thank you, sir. Coming from you, that means a lot to me.”
Once more Singh felt pride surging through him. He hadn’t realised that Barry respected him this much.
“Now, when are you needed for dinner? I’ll drop you there personally.”