Chapter Text
For years and years to come, Clarke will associate the feeling of contentment with tonight.
Arkadia is once again free of totalitarian control as Pike and his associates were taken down. Not without a lot of blood spilled, sadly. But Clarke doesn’t dwell on this too much – she has come to terms that life on the ground involves a lot of death and grief. And she still feels these of course. But there’s always time to feel them a little more when she’s by herself.
Tonight though, she will relish on the fact that this is one more day most of her people are alive. One more day she gets to spend time with her loved ones. One more day there is peace, however temporary it is.
For even though death and grief are very prevalent in their lives, she finds that there’s also relief, happiness, even pleasure.
Clarke visibly shivers as she thinks of that last part. She quickly shakes her head at herself since there’s only one person her brain conjures in association with that word and if it were possible for anyone to intrude on her imagination right now, she wasn’t so sure who would die of embarrassment first. Her or the intruder.
Probably her.
Most definitely her.
Scanning the crowd around the campfire, she’s glad that no one seems to notice her change in demeanor at her inappropriate train of thought or the blush that seemed to creep up her face all of a sudden. If anyone does, she could easily blame the heat from the fire or the moonshine being passed around by both Skaikru and grounders that she swears comes back to her every ten seconds even though there’s about twenty people around the circle.
She doesn’t so much mind as her nerves are getting the best of her. She needs to relax.
The battle is over with and she can breathe a little easier knowing that peace amongst everyone on the ground is so close. That it’s not just a dream anymore and maybe, just maybe she and a certain someone can finally have their promised someday. The alcohol helps loosen her tense body a little but her mind is anything but quiet. After all, this was the first time in over a month that she has seen Lexa after she left Polis. After she left her in bed in Polis. After she left her practically naked in bed in Polis.
Oh god, here it is again.
“Clarke? Helloooooo,” Raven nudges her hard on her ribs making her wince a little, “I was telling you my epic story of how I saved everyone, yet again, and you weren’t paying attention.”
She takes another swig of the moonshine and passes it to Raven, “I was there remember? And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve been adding more and more to your role every time you tell it. You did not jump from the top of the building and didn’t break both of your legs or fight someone with a sword OR blocked a bullet from hitting me."
Raven makes a mockingly offended face, “I did all of those things when you weren’t looking! I saved your life and you didn’t even know it.”
Clarke chuckles and decides to just let it go. She gets lost in her own thoughts once again.
“You know you can just barge into her tent right? She wouldn’t care,” Raven leans over and whispers loudly as Clarke looks away from the commander’s tent. She didn’t realize her eyes have been inadvertently gravitating towards it. Was she that obvious? And really, did Raven really have to say it out loud?
Clarke doesn’t miss the curious stares they get from several people around them. She pretends to not notice, not saying anything and actually considers it for a moment.
She's done it plenty of times in the past. Before the mountain and even while staying in Polis as an ambassador when she would barge in to the throne room during Lexa’s important meetings. Clarke was never reprimanded for it. Lexa would initially look annoyed, that quickly changed to amused and even impressed when Clarke proved she actually had something worthwhile to say. Though when Clarke thinks back on it now, she realizes that her actions were immature and reckless. And even though it had only been several months since she had first done it and was not immediately killed on the spot, she's now older and wiser. Or at least she likes to think so.
Regardless, Clarke can't shake off the feeling of giddiness from seeing the commander. And with the warmth of moonshine in her stomach increasing her confidence, she is quickly running out of reasons of why the hell should she not go to the commander's tent.
She had only seen Lexa when they arrived at the Arkadia gate and after the commander’s moving speech following the battle. Other than a couple of glances here and there, they hadn't had time to speak in length. Clarke knows that she looked like she was barely concealing her own desire to throw her arms around the other woman, as she literally had to grasp her own thighs on her sides to keep them from reaching out. But Lexa, ever the stoic leader only took a moment to roam her eyes on Clarke presumably to check for injuries before putting her commander mask back on and looking away.
Lexa had then disappeared inside her tent with several generals and hadn’t come out for the festivities ever since.
Clarke wonders if things between her and Lexa had changed because of this whole Pike thing. Familiar insecurities now bloom inside of her, replacing the lightness she felt just a moment ago. Maybe Lexa thought it was a mistake. Maybe it was just a heat in the moment type of thing and Clarke was just there. Maybe there’s someone else. Maybe she didn’t enjoy it.
She hopes her feelings are still reciprocated, but then again, they never really voiced them, did they? They didn’t have much time to really put them into words since they were busy doing other things. And really, even if they did have time, she suspects neither of them could truthfully explain what they mean to each other. That’s just the way it’s always been with Clarke and Lexa.
She doubts there's someone else, for as much as the commander likes to make everyone think she believes love is weakness, Clarke remembers all the times the other woman's gaze stayed on her and only her, even when there were so many others in the room. She also definitely doubts Lexa didn’t enjoy it. If her memory serves her right, the commander enjoyed herself so much that she left a bruising, biting mark on Clarke’s shoulder that just started to fade several days ago. Clarke had chastised her before she left Lexa’s bedroom that day, but she secretly really liked it and was hoping Lexa would do it again.
Her hand reaches for that spot on her shoulder she knew the mark was situated. Her eyes close for a moment as she recalls exactly how she got it.
They were breathing hard, unable to really say much after losing count of how many times they've brought each other to climax. They were glistening in sweat and pleasure and Clarke wished that they at least cracked a window open as it was getting kind of warm in the room.
But in reality, neither of them really cared. They wanted to be as close to each other as possible with Clarke laying on top of the commander, head resting on her chest and legs interlocked in the most intimate ways. Though admittedly, the girl beneath Clarke looked nothing like the commander at that moment.
She pushed herself up on her elbows to appreciate the sight for a moment. Lexa, with her unruly curls splayed all over the only pillow left on the bed, the other ones tossed to the floor haphazardly during their activities. Her eyes were closed and her mouth had a tiny hint of smile that screamed happiness. Clarke gently traced the brunette’s unfairly perfect jawline which elicited a happy sigh from Lexa. She couldn’t help but smile at how cute the commander was being.
Her eyes roamed some more on Lexa’s features, attempting to memorize every single part of her. She inhaled quite loudly, in hopes to never lose the natural scent Lexa seemed to have. The scent so contradictory much like the woman it belongs to. Like smoke and fresh flowers. Like sunshine and grass after the rain. Simply, like the ground. She smells like the ground and Clarke loves it so much. She loves it so much for she didn’t expect to make it to the ground in her lifetime, yet here she was, fully consumed by the human embodiment of the very thing she could only imagine when she was in space.
The commander slowly opened her eyes at that and chuckled a little, “Are you sniffing me, Clarke?”
Clarke would have surely blushed and hid her face in embarrassment had they just not spent the past hour exploring each other’s bodies. However, this moment felt different. Like they were meant to be doing this all along. Teasing rather than only acknowledging each other with short-clipped sentences like they have been doing in the past weeks. Openly admiring each other, rather than averting their gaze when they’ve been caught longingly staring for too long. Caressing each other’s bodies with comfort rather than flinching and tensing when the other got too close.
Clarke answered with a smile and another exaggerated inhale and kissed Lexa’s nose, “I just want to remember this. I want this ingrained in my mind forever.” She kissed every part of the commander’s face, hoping to drive her point to home. Hoping to make Lexa understand that she didn’t want to wait this long. That she regrets that a war had to be coming their way for her to realize that she was ready. That she’d been wanting to do this for a very long time. That she didn’t want this to be the last time.
She kissed her soundly on her lips. “I want to remember your adorable face,” Clarke continued.
The commander tried to pout but hardly succeeded, “I’m not adorable..”
“Mmm, yes you are,” as the blonde continued kissing her neck. "I want to remember your scent," she said in a husky voice as her nose brushed against the flesh that made Lexa giggle as much as phlegmatic leaders can do so. She had let herself truly laugh about seven times in the short time they've spent in bed. Not that Clarke was counting. Except she totally was and she knew from hearing the first one, that she'd happily and stupidly do absolutely anything to hear that over and over again.
The fit of laughter was quickly replaced with a soft moan as Clarke ducked her head down with a smug grin and licked at a still hard nipple that her mouth leg go of with a loud popping sound, "The way your breathing becomes ragged.”
She moved her body a little to the right and caressed the commander’s side, hand slowly making her way down her thighs, causing the other woman’s breath to hitch.
“I want to remember the way your body tenses and then gradually relaxes when I touch you,” she continued as her hand reached its destination.
Clarke smiled at the way the girl beneath her gasped, her other hand carefully treading the silky unbraided brown locks.
She knew their time was coming to an end and she didn’t want to waste any more time as she continued her ministrations. Lexa’s hands were gripping her shoulders so hard that Clarke was sure she’ll have red scratches there.
“I want to remember you like this. To hold me over until the next time I see you,” Clarke whispered as she looked down Lexa’s openly affectionate face, not hiding her surprise and elation at what Clarke just said.
Clarke almost melted at the way Lexa was looking at her then. Like she was the rainbow peeking out of the horizons after a torrential storm. Like she was something majestic that she never ever wanted to let go of.
She had seen this look before, of course. During her time in Polis, Lexa tried very hard in the beginning to hide her feelings. But when she realized her unsuccessful attempts to do so, the commander just all together gave up – giving Clarke her full attention at all times with a look of yearning in her eyes that never seemed to want to leave. Almost as if saying, fuck it, here it is. But the way Lexa was looking at her at that moment with the same aching warmth was so much more tangible that it made Clarke’s chest twinge in the most beautiful way.
"Because we will meet again,” Clarke whispered as she rested their foreheads together, and Lexa immediately crashed their lips together in a messy, passionate kiss.
She knew that Lexa was getting close. Her body was tensing in all the right places, breaths coming out in gasps, chest heaving, and the brunette pulled back slightly only to rest her mouth on Clarke’s shoulder. Lightly at first. And as she reaches her climax, Lexa muffled the sound of her scream by sucking and biting a spot on Clarke’s shoulder.
The pain barely registered in Clarke’s brain as she slowed her movements and retracted her hand and slowly moved to lay on her side facing the brunette. If anything, she felt every unsaid affection she and Lexa had during that moment. And she wished more than anything that she could just stay there forever.
They both knew that she had to go though. Neither of them had said anything in the past five minutes. Only gazing at each other and kissing each other lightly and lazily.
With all the effort she could muster, Clarke slowly disentangled herself and Lexa reluctantly let her.
“I should go freshen up,” she said as she awkwardly stood by the bed and looked around the room to avoid Lexa’s eyes.
It was getting harder to control her emotions now that she knew that they couldn't prolong her departure any longer. And she knew that if she looked down at the commander’s naked form and even more naked eyes, she would probably break down. There was simply no time for that. She had people to save. And the reality of their predicament as well as the dread that came with it slowly came back up the surface as their time was nearing its end.
She saw Lexa nod in her peripheral vision and made her way to the washroom. As she was finishing up, she caught sight of her bare form in the long mirror attached to the back of the door. An angry purple mark was already forming on her right shoulder and she finally felt the throbbing ache from it. Despite herself, she chuckled and flung the door open to find Lexa still laying on the bed but thankfully with at least a shirt on this time.
“Look at what you did, Lexa,” Clarke said as she pointed at the mark. She was trying very hard not to laugh. She tried to be mad... She really did.
The commander knew all too well that she wasn’t as she threw the blonde a smirk, “I don’t see a thing.”
Clarke kneeled on the bed over her and pointed again, “You did that.”
The brunette reached up and lightly traced her finger over it. She kneeled on the bed too so she was eye level with the irritated girl before her and smiled as she placed her hands on Clarke’s still bare hips, looking at the blonde in a way that made her stomach do crazy flips.
Lexa kissed the mark softly as she all but whispered against her skin, "I want you to remember me too.”
And really, that did it right there. Clarke couldn’t stop her tears if she tried as she flung her arms around Lexa’s shoulders pulling her close.
“We’ll see each other again,” Clarke repeated as she unashamedly sobbed on the other woman's shoulder, “I will come back. After this thing with Pike is done. I’ll be back.” She pulled back to see Lexa with her eyes shining with unshed tears.
Lexa gave her a sad smile, “I know that, Clarke.” She dropped her arms and softly pushed Clarke's stomach. “Now go, I’m not sure which one of us Octavia will attempt to murder if she finds out you’re still here,” sounding a little bit more Heda but still so, so Lexa.
Clarke laughed as she gathered her clothes and got dressed, loving the commander’s rare playful side. She kissed Lexa again when she was done. And again. And again.
“Go, Clarke,” Lexa chuckled lightly against her grinning lips.
As she reached out to touch the handle of the door, she looked back one more time. Clarke wished she hadn't. She knew this image would stick more to her mind and she didn't want to remember Lexa this way. For the commander was sitting up then, her head against the headboard, blankets pulled up to her waist as she watched Clarke intently.
Clarke really didn’t want to leave then. Her heart twisted at the sight.
Lexa finally let a tear slide down her cheek as she whispered in an agonized tone, “Go, Clarke.”
And so with tears streaming down her own face, she opened the door and went.