Chapter Text
Tim was having a pretty good week, which explains why shit hit the fan so quickly. And okay, so maybe he had some part to play in that, but Tim knew the universe was conspiring against him. And the universe had finally won. It was over; they had finally killed him.
Or at least Bruce was going to when he found out what happened.
Speaking of which, Tim estimate he still had between thirty to forty minutes before Bruce realized what happened. That was plenty of time to get out of the country. Maybe Tim would go to Milan, they had good coffee. Or maybe Mumbai. He’s never been before and it would be a good place to lay low. Before Tim could finalize his choice, his phone buzzed. A text message. From Bruce. Uh oh.
Tim gulped and hastily sent a thumbs up. Okay, he could do this. He’d just have to play it cool. Bruce said dinner, which meant others would be there too. Tim needed to plan this out; find a good strategy.
Alfred, who loved Tim and would undoubtedly stop his murder, right? Best to compliment his food and show up on time. Dick, probably. He’d be a good at mediating. Cass...useless to Tim. She’d laugh at his demise and say he brought this upon himself (which wasn’t entirely untrue). Jason...Tim was sure Bruce sent him a similar text but actually getting him to come was another story. Duke would throw Tim under the bus in a heartbeat if it meant escaping unscathed and Tim respected that. Damian of course was the entire reason this was happening. So in short, Tim’s allies were limited.
Time to call in the cavalry.
Tim shot a quick text to Stephanie.
Tim wasn’t about to go down without a fight.
It was almost 6:30 when Tim and Stephanie arrived. Through the front door for a change. Even used a key.
“If you get murdered can I have your sweaters and coffee machine?”
“You’re supposed to make sure I don’t get killed.” Tim gave Steph a withering look. She ignored him and touched up her hair in the entrance mirrors.
“Look, Timmy. I love ya and would sacrifice my life for you during heated battle against killer robot dragons or something. But this is Batdad we’re talking about. Nothing gets in the way of Batdad and justice.” They stared at each other for a moment.
“You can have my sweaters but bury me with my coffee machine.”
Jason’s usual thoughts when Bruce tried to get him to come to the manor were somewhere along the lines of ‘ fuck that shit’. But like hell he was missing this clusterfuck. So at 6:25 PM he burst through the doors to Wayne Manor and headed for the dining room.
Predictably Dick was already there, sitting across from Cass.
“Hello, little brother.” Cass looked up at him with a slight smile.
“I didn’t think you were coming.” Dick said looking straight ahead.
“Aw, and miss the show?” Jason grinned, pulling up a seat to Dick’s right. Dick glared at him but he looked more worried than angry. And maybe once upon a time Jason would have been worried too, but he had since learned that riling up his family was more productive. Duke walked into the room, paused to look at them all, shook his head, and then at down to Jason’s right.
“This is not going to be good.” Cass just smiled, Dick let out a sigh, and Jason grinned at Duke. Poor kid had no idea.
Tim, followed by Stephanie, entered the dining room shortly after. Tim sat next to Cass, and Steph next to him. Jason raised an eyebrow at Steph.
“I heard Alfred’s making butter chicken.” She looked Jason in the eyes. “I hope it’s spicy.” Jason set his jaw. So that’s how Tim’s playing it huh?
“You’re hair looks nice.” Cass said peering over Tim to look at Steph. She smiled putting her hand up to it.
“It does, doesn’t it?”
And for a minutes all six of them sat in silence staring at each other, every once in awhile. Dick with exasperation and mild panic. Cass, simply with unbridle amusement. Duke looked like he was ready to make a run for it any minute. Jason look at Stephanie than Tim, trying to figure out what those two trolls had planned.
Before he could though, Bruce walked in, face stoic. He silently sat down at the head chair of the dining table. Damian was, expectedly absent. Bruce probably asked Clark to ask Jon to invite him over.
Alfred came in shortly after and began plating dinner. No one said a word. Alfred did raise an eyebrow, but no comment.
“Thank you for preparing dinner, Alfred.” A murmur of thank you’s followed. Bruce looked at each of his children, scanning them. Eventually everyone began to eat, in silence. What a sight they were.
Seven vigilantes all in a room, all staring suspiciously at each other, waiting for someone to make a move. No one did. After fifteen minutes of unbearable silence, Alfred came back in to pick up the now empty plates and promptly left. It was pretty obvious that Alfred was not about to be dragged into their family drama anytime soon.
The tension was suffocating them all. Finally, Bruce spoke.
“I’m sure you are all aware why we are having this dinner.” He looked over them all, as if waiting for them to challenge him. No one did. “There has been some... inappropriate behaviour going on.” Everyone stared directly ahead, not saying a word.
“It will not be tolerated and I expect that from here on another issue such as this will not arise. Correct?” Bruce’s children all looked at each other, before silently nodding. Damn it, Jason thought. He was expecting more of a scene.
“Now, I want to know who started all of this.” Ah, there it was .
Naturally Dick was the first to speak up. “Bruce, it was a joke— “
“Who. Started. It?”
“It was not me.” Cass, playing the innocent favourite. Typical.
Tim cleared his throat before saying, “If you think about it, it wasn’t really any of us .”
Bruce did not look amused. “Oh really? So none of you decided it would be a good idea to tease your younger brother and take advantage of his innocence?” Jason rolled his eyes.
“Innocence? He was raised an assassin. He was stabbing people before he could ride a bike.”
“Can he ride a bike?” Duke asked. It was a fair question, really.
Dick frowned, “I think so...I mean I’ve never seen him…” Stephanie let out a giggle, thinking of four year old Damian on a little tricycle in Nanda Parbat. Bruce snapped his attention to her.
“Is this funny to you Stephanie?” Steph’s eyes widened slightly.
“Of course not!” A sly grin, “I think it’s very important that we teach Damian how to ride a bike. I still have my My Little Pony bike with training wheels.” Bruce’s veins were starting to pop out. Jason could see why Tim brought along the blonde terror. As much as it pained him to admit, she might be better at raising Bruce’s blood pressure than he was. Bruce inhaled sharply and let out a slow breath.
“Back to the matter at hand. Which one of you was it?”
“Does it really matter who? We wo—”
“Tim did.” Eh, Jason was getting bored. He wanted to see some drama then leave. Roy broke his DVR alright?
Tim shot a glare at Jason who took a sip from his water with false innocence.
“Timothy. Do you have anything to say for yourself?” Tim clenched his jaw.
“It wasn’t me.”
“Really? It wasn’t? That’s not how I recall it.” Jason leaned back in his chair, arms crossed.
“You did send that meme…” Way to go Duke , Jason thought smugly, join the fray .
“It was just a meme! Jason’s the one made it into a thing.” Oh no, he came here to watch the drama, not be blamed for it. Bruce took a deep breath before letting his head fall to the table.
“Yeah, Steph agreed with me!”
“No I did not. I just said your argument had merit. Besides, this is Dick’s fault.”
“What? How ?” Dick spluttered indignantly.
Tim shrugged easily, “You should have stopped it there. You let it continue.”
“Oh! So now it’s my job to get involved with everyone’s shit?” Damn, Dick was getting worked up. “Every other time I try and get involved in my family’s life and then it’s ‘Go away, Dick!’, ‘stay out of my business, Dick!’. When’s the last time I got more than a two sentence response from you Tim?”
“I always respond.” Cass said, still looking amused. Jason simply scoffed and rolled his eyes. Dick turned his attention to Jason.
“That includes you Jason.”
Jason raised his eyebrows, “Really?”
“You’re always refusing to spend time with your family, but you show up today?”
“Well if this is the treatment I get—”
“Not everything is about you,” Tim cut in.
“Then why are we even talking about me?”
Dick scowled at him, “Because would it kill you to make an effort Jason?”
“Make an effort?” Jason turned to face Dick better, “You’re right, I should hang out with my amazing big brother more often. I can’t remember the last time I did...Oh wait, I do. January 2012. ” Dick blanched at that. Tim frowned. This didn’t feel like Jason’s usual ‘I died’ argument. So what was he planning?
“First snow of the year. Remember, B? I slipped on some ice at school and fell.”
Bruce’s head snapped up. “You fractured your arm.” Bruce frowned looking between his two elder sons. Dick turned his attention to the curtains.
“Well, guess what, Bruce? I didn’t slip in fall at school. In fact, I wasn’t even at school.” Bruce raised an eyebrow. Dick shook his head.
“Are you really bringing th—”
“No, no! You dear son, Richard convinced me to skip school so we could go sledding, And of course Dickhead over here doesn’t know shit about physics so went flying straight into a tree and ta-da, broken arm for Jason.”
“You took him out of school and broke his arm?”
“Oh my god, it was an accident !” Dick threw up his hands,. “You,” he turned, pointing a finger at Jason, “were supposed to keep it a secret.”
“I like to think dying cancels out the statute of limitations on pinky swears.”
“Pinky swear? You were nineteen, Dick.”
“Shut up. Tim.”
“You two lied to me?”
“Dick made me!”
“Only because Jason doesn’t know how to steer a freaking sled!”
“Oh I’m sorry. I never learned as a kid because I was too busy being homeless—”
“Enough!” Bruce shouted. “This is not what we came to discuss.”
“Oh right. You’re here to punish us because we’re forcing you to parent Damian.” Stephanie held her head up high, not about to be perturbed.
“Excuse me?”
“She’s right. This is your fault.” Tim stated.
Bruce blinked. “How is any of this because of me?”
“Well,” Stephanie stood up. “I think we need to go back to the beginning. How this all started…”