Chapter Text
It was never supposed to be like that, it was an easy mission. They were supposed to be peaceful they were supposed to want to be in the federation. They attacked instead. Kirk and Uhura were injured, the five security guards that were there to protect them gave their lives.
It just wasn’t fair. Kirk had done everything right, he had fact checked, he had planned. He had even put himself in front of the phaser fire to protect his crew. Which is how he had almost died, and how the five guards had died to protect him and Uhura who was severely injured too.
He couldn’t stand to be in the med bay anymore, and since his lovers had went off to check on Uhura he saw no qualms about escaping. He knew that hiding on the observation deck would be easy for them to find him, but still he just needed a few minutes to collect himself. This was not the first time that he had lost crew. In fact they were the numbers 67-72.
Seventy two people dead all because of him.
“There you are T'hy'la, we were worried about you. You still need to be in the med bay.”
Spock spoke while pulling Kirk to his chest.
Kirk just nodded and leaned back further into his lovers chest, he didn't even flinch when McCoy appeared in front of him tricorder at the ready.
“Hey sunshine, what are you doing up here?”
Kirk continued to stare out the window, obviously lost in thought. Both men knew they wouldn’t get him to talk for a while, that it would be better for them to let him think. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Kirk spoke up.
“Do you ever wish you could just step onto the transporter and have it take you back to before you ever met me? That way you would be safe from my stupidity. I know neither of you wanted to be stuck with me, i’m flat out useless and a hazard to everyone's health. You were just forced to join me and now my bad decisions have gotten seventy two crew people killed. It’s all my fault, maybe I should just quit. Go back to Iowa, go back to the farm.” Jim was silenced by McCoy leaning over him and kissing him hard. When he finally drew back for breath Kirk was about to argue when Spock’s mouth replaced McCoys.
“Now listen here James Tiberius Kirk, we won't hear anymore about you being useless or a hazard. You are the most amazing Captain in the world, hell the universe. The whole world owes you their lives multiple times over. You are amazing and it's time you are showed how amazing you are.”
Kirk looked up at McCoy tears streaming from his eyes, as Spock held him closer. “The doctor is right. You are way too hard on yourself Jim. No one could have known that the meeting was nothing more than a trap. You saved yourself and Lieutenant Uhura’s life today. You did the best you could with the knowledge of the situation that you had.”
The three men sat in a huddle with Kirk in the center crying silently for the fallen, for his two loves who make his life worth living, for the future until he cries himself to sleep.
When he wakes up later in their shared room snuggled between the two rather than in med bay where he should have been, he smiles and feels the love before falling back to sleep.