Chapter Text
His days were bleeding together after he was moved from the ICU to a step down unit a few days ago.
Dennis didn't even know how many days had passed but he had been taken to surgery for his wrist a couple of days ago and was now sporting a pristine cast. He had been scared to go in and be put under general anaesthesia but Robby had followed him all the way until Dennis was about to be rolled into the operating theatre and when he woke up his former mentor had been by his side.
He still slept through most of his days, his body and mind still exhausted. He had visits from physical therapy and realised just how weak he was.
He couldn't sit up without support and had passed out the first time they attempted to raise the head rest up so he was fully sitting. Even after just a few minutes of physical therapy he had slept for hours afterwards. He probably couldn't even stand up with help at this point.
He longed for a proper shower and to be able to go to the bathroom. Trinity had bought him a nice set of pyjamas that was a nice upgrade from the hospital gown and Abbott had lent him his Kindle so that Dennis could read whenever his head allowed him to. Robby had bought him a brand new phone but Dennis hadn't had the energy to open it and Robby had reassured him that there was no pressure and put the bag to the side.
He wanted to feel independent but he was still pretty much stuck in the bed, still stuck to a heart monitor and nasal cannula that they had failed to wean him off of. It felt like he would never get rid of it. Like he would never get out of this bed.
He hadn't even been outside yet and the closest he had been to fresh air was when Trinity opened the window briefly to let some air in. Other than that all he had was the four walls of the room and the ceiling he spent hours staring into.
He had realised during his time alone that his mind was just as frail as his broken body and the more alert he felt, the more time he had to think, the more obvious it became.
It felt fine whenever he had Trinity, Robby or Abbott by his side. They could keep his thoughts at bay and pick up on the signs before he could spiral.
But they couldn't be there all the time and he couldn't burden them any more than he had already had.
They had work and other duties. They had their own lives outside the hospital and more importantly, they had already turned themselves inside out to be there for him when he was unconscious to make sure he was never alone. He knew how much it had worn them down already. He could see how tired they were and he couldn't keep wearing them down like he did. Like he already had.
He would have to wean himself off his need for them like the doctors were trying to wean him off the oxygen.
So he happily took whatever time he got with them and then when they had to leave he focused on not falling apart at the thought of being alone, to keep on a brave face long enough to make sure they wouldn't feel guilty for leaving when they were already spreading themselves too thin and neglecting their own health for him.
But even when other people from the Pitt came to keep him company he found his mind slipping and struggled to keep it together. When he was alone he struggled even more.
He suspected he didn't do a very good job though because yesterday he'd been visited by Robby's friend from psych who had reassured him that his feelings were completely normal after the trauma he had been through. Caleb had said it was normal to be anxious and depressed after a trauma like this. He had said he would be back to make further assessments and that he would make sure Dennis got the help he needed even after he was released.
Dennis knew Robby was behind Caleb's visit and he knew he was making them worry about him.
He'd tried to do better, he had decided after Caleb's visit. He'd try even harder.
Today wasn't so bad though. He had had a session with his physical therapist after breakfast and while he was frustrated at his own weakness, she was happy with the progress he was making. He had forced himself to eat most of his breakfast which had earned a happy but slightly patronising smile from one of the nurses.
He was able to focus on his book and hadn't gotten a headache yet and the pain in his ribs was more tolerable.
There was a knock on the door and he looked up expecting someone from downstairs but instead it was three of his co-workers from Presbyterian. Dennis knew that Dana had informed them about what had happened to him and kept them updated but he didn't expect a visit from them.
“Hey, man,” Lucas, a 3rd year resident that Dennis got along with quite well, said.
Next to him Matt, one of the nurses and Olivia, a second year resident stood. They all looked a little nervous and Dennis put the kindle to the side.
“The nurse said you were allowed visitors, we should have called or texted first but…” Olivia smiled awkwardly.
“No it's fine,” Dennis said and tried his best to sit up, reaching for the pillow behind him to prop it up behind him. “Come in!” He continued, trying not to pant too much.
The three of them gathered around the bed awkwardly and Dennis found himself fiddling nervously with the blanket. He could feel their eyes on him and he knew they were taking note of every wire or tube attached to his body. Probably his vitals too. He hadn't seen himself in the mirror yet but he probably didn't look so great either.
“It's good to see you,” Lucas said. “How are you doing?”
“Yeah. I'm okay,” Dennis said. “Alot better thanks!”
“That's good,” Olivia nodded. “Everyone was really worried when we got the call about you. And everyone kept thinking about you, hoping and praying you'd be okay. They said you had really bad hypothermia…that you were on ECMO? And pneumonia on top of that?”
Dennis nodded awkwardly and pressed his hand to his side as he shifted on the bed.
“I'm glad you are better,” Olivia finished. “And everyone sends you their well wishes…”
“What happened to you is really awful,” Lucas filled in and Matt nodded.
“Did they get who did this to you? We heard you were mugged.”
“Yeah…” Dennis mumbled. “And no…nothing yet…”
He hadn't been able to give the police a useful statement when they came by the other day. They had been frustrated with his inability to provide anything that could lead the investigation further and their visit had left him feeling both drained and full of shame.
He smiled tensely.
“We are all thinking about you,” Olivia said. “We've been getting some updates from here…”
There was an awkward pause when neither of them seemed to know what to say.
“We brought you something…” Lucas said and held out a gift bag.
“Thanks,” Dennis said as he accepted the bag and put it in his lap. “You didn't have to get anything…” he continued.
“Everyone wanted to…” Olivia said. “Everyone signed the card too…even Renee.”
Dennis smiled slightly as he looked at the card and all the signatures.
He hadn't really expected anything from them but seeing their names on the back of the card, all of them tightly squeezed together to fit in the limited space, brought a smile to his face.
He curiously dug through the rest of the paper bags using his good hand. It was full of snacks, a bunch of magazines and box set of Lego.
“Wow,” thanks alot,” Dennis said.
“We figured you'd still have some time to kill. And who doesn't like Lego?
” Lucas said. “And we didn't know what snacks you like so we bought a little bit of everything.”
“Thanks,” Dennis nodded.
“Did they tell you when you can get out of here?” Lucas said. “And when you can come back to work?”
Dennis looked down at his lap.
“I don't know,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I might be released from hospital next week but it will be a while before I'm ready to go back to work. And then probably only light duty…”
“That really sucks, man,” Lucas said.
Dennis nodded into his lap before he breached himself and looked up at them. They were all staring awkwardly at him.
“You just take your time,” Olivia said and nodded.
“Yeah…” Matt said. “You'll be back…”
He nodded and neither of them said anything. They all knew that he would probably have to repeat his intern year. It could take months before he would be back on his feet.
He could feel himself burn under their pitiful looks but forced himself to keep his head up and not fall back into his lap.
“How is everyone?” He asked instead, thankful when the three of them immediately filled him in on how things were doing back there and the focus was shifted from him. He nodded as they spoke but eventually found himself zoning out.
It was weird seeing them. It felt like a lifetime had passed since he last set his foot at work but for them it had just been a few weeks and it probably felt like nothing. Their lives had continued on in the same pace but for him everything had changed that night. And he didn't know if things were ever going to be the same. If he would ever go back to normal again.
“I swear nothing has changed,” Lucas joked. “It's all the same. I bet when you come back it will be as if time stood still.”
Dennis kept smiling through the conversation.
He asked about Fern and the other frequent flyers, about the new med students he had missed and tried his best to keep it together but another ten minutes later he was exhausted.
His ribs were hurting and he could feel a headache forming behind his eyes with every pulsing heartbeat and as he adjusted on the bed to keep himself upright he had to clench his teeth together, fingers pressing into the stiff sheets.
There was another knock on the door and all four of them looked up.
It was one of the nurses and Dennis let out a sigh of relief at the sight of her.
“Oh,” she said. “Didn't know you had visitors,” she said. “I was going to bring you some lunch! Are you up for it?”
Dennis nodded, feeling thankful for the interruption.
“Great,” she said, giving him a perky smile.
“We should probably go,” Lucas said and looked at Dennis. “Let you eat and get some rest.”
He held out his fist to Dennis to bump.
“Feel better soon,” he continued as their two hands touched. “It's really nice seeing you awake and stuff…you know after everything…”
“Thanks for coming, and thanks for the gifts…” Dennis said, forcing a final smile on his face as he said goodbye to the three of them.
As soon as they were out of the room he found himself collapsing against the headrest tiredly as his body didn't have the energy to stay up right. He let out a small sigh of relief and closed his eyes briefly, his head pounding.
-
Half an hour later his lunch remained mostly untouched in front of him.
The visit from his coworkers had brought new thoughts and feelings to light. He hadn't thought much about what would happen when he was discharged until the three of them stood in the doorway and reminded him of life outside of the hospital.
But now he did.
He thought about his apartment that had been empty for weeks now. He thought about how cold it would be when he returned. How quiet and empty it would feel.
He thought about returning to Presbyterian and having to start all over again. Whether it was weeks or months away he wondered if it would feel like time had stood still. If it would feel like returning to something familiar. If it would finally feel like home or if he'd still feel lonely and as if was barely keeping his head above water.
He gave the plate of untouched food another look and picked at it with his fork. His stomach rolled unpleasantly and it felt like his heart was sitting in his throat fluttering violently. He brought the fork to his mouth but gagged violently before it could even reach his lips and he dropped the fork back with a disheartened sigh. His heart continued to quiver inside his chest, beating way too fast and his stomach felt full of hundreds of butterflies that never stopped moving.
He sank back into the pillow and looked out of the window. He could see the sky and a couple of roof tops. It was an overcast day and he wondered if the temperatures were still freezing or if they had gone up since the last time he was outside. He felt disconnected from the outside world. Like it wasn't real even. As if everything outside of this room was a rabbit hole people disappeared into.
He was stuck here while everyone around him went about with their lives. The nurses and doctors who cared for him worked on other patients when they weren't in this room. His physical therapist moved along the hospital to work with different patients. They talked among each other in the hallways, joked and laughed together and when their shifts were over they all went outside, went home. To their families. Maybe they went out for drinks together on a random Thursday.
Dennis didn't even know what day it was. Didn't know the difference between a weekday or the weekend and sometimes didn't know if it was early morning or late at night.
It felt the same when Trinity, Robby or Abbott or anyone else from the Pitt came by before and after their shifts. When they left it was to the real world, whether it was downstairs to treat patients, and saved lives or home to sleep.
Then they appeared on the doorstep again and the cycle repeated. All while he remained in this room where time stood still and flew at the same time.
He so badly wanted to be part of that world, to be connected again but as he looked at the thick layer of clouds across the sky, he was also scared of that world. Of going outside, of feeling that fresh but crisp and cold air against his skin. Of having the darkness fall around him. Of ending up alone on the cold ground again.
The hospital, this room was very much like a black hole where time stood still but at least it was safe. He was safe. But even if it was safe he was still riddled with nightmares and anxiety and he didn't know how it would feel to go back to the real world.
“Hey!”
He looked away from the window at the sound of Trinity's voice and turned towards the doorway.
“Hi!” He said as she stepped into the room. She walked up to him, face frowning a little as she eyed his almost full plate of food. Then her eyes moved to the gifts that still lay scattered across his lap.
“What's all this?” she asked.
“Oh those are from my co-workers,” he said.
He watched her put the plate away and then gather everything and put them neatly on the table. Then she bent down to the floor and picked up the small dog Mel had bought him. It must have fallen from the bed some time during the day.
“Thanks…” he said and tucked it to his side.
“Didn't know you'd have visitors today?” she said.
“Me neither,” Dennis mumbled. “But it…was…nice…”
His voice faded out and Trinity frowned.
“Okay, scoot…” she said gently and then helped him move across the bed to make room for her.
“Sorry…” she said as the movement made him grimace from the pain in his ribs.
“It's okay…” he sighed as he pressed his good hand against them in support.
She carefully climbed into the bed and laid down next to him and pulled the blanket on top of them both.
“Hey…” she said quietly and wrapped a light arm around his torso. “How are you doing, Huckleberry?”
“I'm…” he said.
He swallowed thickly, a lump forming in his throat.
“I don't know,” he whispered.
“What do you need?” she asked and he shook his head.
“Just stay…” he pleaded and closed his eyes, trying to keep his tears from spilling down his cheeks.
So much for trying to not lean on them.
He was not used to being so needy, had been raised to be the opposite but ever since he woke up he'd found himself anxious without them and seeking their comforts in ways he didn't usually do. He'd been raised to be independent and strong, to not look for physical or emotional comfort for every little thing.
And he didn't want to be needy, tried to keep himself calm when he was alone and he tried to not panic when he woke up in the middle of the night not knowing where he was.
But it was hard. It was much easier to talk himself into doing it when he was alone but now that she was next to him and undoubtedly seeing through his facade, it was too hard.
And he realised that his time with his old co workers was borrowed. That eventually it would come to an end. It wouldn't be them that he would see every day.
It would be Lucas, Olivia and Matt and everyone else. Renee who seemed to hate everyone and definitely didn't give a fuck whether he returned or not. And even if the others did…
“I don't want to go back to Presbyterian…” he confessed quietly.
Her arm tightened around him and she leaned her head against his shoulder. He let his own cheek fall against her hair.
-
He didn't remember falling asleep but he woke up to a chair shuffling next to the bed and voices talking quietly around him. Trinity was no longer lying next to him but he recognised her voice as she spoke.
“I'm worried about him…he's so low…”
“Caleb said that was to be expected with the physical and mental trauma he's been through. He's going to make another evaluation in a couple of days. He's in good hands.”
“I know, but I'm scared he will pull away from us. It feels like he already is.”
There was a pause and Dennis wondered if he should open his eyes or let them keep gossip about him or simply let himself drift off to sleep again.
“Some guys from Presbyterian were here earlier. He was kinda affected by it.”
“Did they say anything? Did he?”
“I don't think so. They brought him a card and snacks and stuff. They left before I arrived but…”
“What?”
“He said he doesn't want to go back there…”
“Did he say anything else?”
“No, he was really tired and like detached. I think he really pushed himself through that visit. And he had barely touched his lunch. He fell asleep almost immediately after I arrived and he's been out like a light ever since.”
“We’ll keep an eye on him. We won't let him slip away from us. We will make sure he gets professional help. No matter what happens. No matter where he ends up we are going to be there for him. We are not going to leave him to deal with everything alone even if he tries to pull away from us.”
“I just…I hate the idea of him going back there. I don't care if they are nice and friendly and good people. He doesn't want to. And he belongs here! He belongs with us!”
There was a pause before Robby spoke.
“Yeah, he does…” he said.
Dennis felt the other man's hand land on his knee and he decided to slowly open his eyes.
“Hey, kid,” Robby said quietly. “Did we wake you?”
The two of them were sitting next to each other like so many other times before.
“How long was I out?” Dennis asked as Robby gently helped him sit up. “That time is it?”
“Just after 6 pm,” Trinity said.
“You slept for a while,” Robby said as he settled the pillow behind Dennis' back for support.
“Trinity told me you had visitors today,” he continued and sat down again.
Dennis hugged the small dog to his chest.
“Yeah,” he said.
The gifts still lay untouched on the table where Trinity had put them hours ago.
“She also said you didn't eat your lunch,”
“Just wasn't hungry,” Dennis sighed.
Robby nodded, a worried wrinkle forming between his eyes.
“How about I go buy some dinner then?” He said. “Something nicer than hospital food? Anything you'd like?”
He looked at his former roommate who gave him an encouraging smile and he thought about the conversation he had overheard just now.
“Do you remember that place we used to order from? The Vietnamese restaurant?” he asked and she nodded.
“Of course,” she said, a small smile forming on her face. “Do you want Vietnamese, Huckleberry?”
“Yeah…” his eyes shifted to Robby. “If that's okay? If it's not too far away?”
“No problem at all,” Robby answered. “Just let me know the address and what you like…both of you…my treat okay?”
Dennis hesitated for only a second before he nodded.
“I'll text you the address and the order,” Trinity said and Robby squeezed Dennis' leg as he stood up and walked across the room, stopping in the doorway.
“I'll be back,” he said before he disappeared into the corridor.
“Got room for another person on that bed of yours?” Trinity asked as the two watched Robby leave.
Dennis patted the mattress beside him and Trinity supported him as he moved across the bed before she laid down next to him.
“So how much of our conversation did you hear?” She said softly.
“A bit,” he said with a small shrug.
“Figured,” she said and he could almost feel the smile on her face.
He cleared his throat.
“So did you get a new roomie?” he asked, trying to sound light-hearted and playful but feeling his heart instantly speed up.
“What do you think?” She snorted.
“I don't know,?” he joked “maybe you picked up another med student from the streets? Or I figured you had maybe saved Javadi from her parents and let her move in with you?”
“Pfft,” She said. “I wouldn't invite Javadi to live with me even if she paid triple the rent. Imagine having Dr Shamsi coming by for a visit? No way!”
“You used to kiss her ass,” Dennis said.
“Well still that was before and I still don't want her in my apartment,”
“Fair enough!” He sighed.
“You know there's no roommate,” she said.
He nodded quietly, biting his lip nervously.
“Care for a new roommate?” he whispered. “A new old one I mean?”
“What do you think?” she said, voice uneven and vulnerable.
A small laugh of relief escaped from his throat that quickly turned to a sob as he felt a large weight lift from his chest and it instantly became easier to breathe.
“Did you really think I'd let you go back to that ratty apartment of yours?” she asked and laid her head down against him.
He inhaled deeply, feeling the familiar scent of her shampoo in his nose before he rested his face against her head, a small smile forming on his lips.