Chapter Text
When Sanji was five, his brothers had called him a coward. They said he was too scared to stand at the edge of the instruction room’s windowsill. Sanji, trembling, had proved them wrong. He realized too late that what he thought had been vicious taunting, was actually calculated cruelty.
Hands on his back shoved him harshly and he fell hard on the ground so so far below. He woke up in the lab, in pain, with one of the doctors looking down at him with thinly veiled disappointment.
Hitting the water hurt just as badly.
It knocked the air out of his lungs and sent shockwaves of pain through every inch of his body.
The ocean was so dark, it was like he was being tossed around by shadows. He had little control of his body, but when he saw Luffy’s hat tumbling through the water, spinning in the orbital motion of the waves, his hand shot out. He pulled the straw hat close to his chest and kicked his legs frantically. He was a good swimmer. Better even than his brothers at this one thing. He couldn’t hold his breath for as long as they could, but he floated better so he could swim faster. But his brothers were stronger than he was so they could swim longer so it really wasn’t a victory in the end.
The sea didn’t care one way or the other.
The sea is vast!
Too vast and too strong for the strongest Vinsmoke to defeat, let alone the weakest.
A strong arm wrapped around his torso at the same time the water lost its weight, changing from an oppressive force to a gentle hug. Sanji’s darkening vision saw Sensei- no, not sensei anymore, Zoro. He was holding him close to his chest as the ocean rose and carefully set them on the deck by Jinbei’s feet.
“Sanji!”
Something was wrong. Sanji still couldn’t move. His lungs started to ache and he realized distantly that he still couldn’t breathe.
Zoro tossed him onto his side and whacked his back hard.
Sanji couldn’t feel it. He was numb. The last thing he saw as his vision dimmed and shook from the force of the blows to his back, was Luffy’s pinched expression of horror.
Sanji woke up in the infirmary, which was odd because last he remembered he’d been invited to a feast at the royal palace. Typically he avoided such places with the same fervor that Luffy avoided a balanced diet or Zoro avoided regular bathing, but the prince that invited him promised to serve a dish with the island's unique cuisine in exchange for some of his own recipes.
Apparently the prince had always had an interest in fine cuisine and had developed a milk substitute from cashews that would last longer than any dairy products. The idea of something high in protein and healthy fats that could be stored for weeks outside of the fridge was too tempting to ignore. They could replace almost all of the cream and he wouldn’t need to make separate batches of meals with goat’s milk for Robin and Chopper to accommodate their lactose intolerance. Although it was a joy to cook for them regardless.
He remembered crossing the threshold of the stone castle with a weight in his gut and a nervous energy that usually meant there was danger but of course he was on edge. He was walking back into a nightmare he’d thought he’d left to haunt him only in his dreams.
Given that he was staring up at the horribly disfigured skull and crossbones that Luffy painted on the infirmary ceiling, he really should have trusted his instincts.
Sanji had decided a long time ago that it couldn’t be called paranoia if someone actually tried to kill you.
There were places that the white paint of the skull turned grey from the black. Luffy hadn’t been patient enough to wait for the first layer to dry. That was also why you could see the top of the skull through the crude yellow hat.
It was strange, though. Usually, if he was looking up at that gruesome smile, he was in a significant amount of pain. Instead, he just felt like he had a bit of a chest cold. His throat was a little raw and his chest was a little sore and his head was a little fuzzy and aching. The cook glared. He had to have been taken down easily. That was the only way for him to still be in one piece.
And Zoro was never going to let him hear the end of it.
Judging by the amount of light coming through the porthole, it must be close to lunch time. It was a wonder Luffy wasn’t bouncing up and down on his chest and demanding meat wrapped in meat topped with shredded meat.
Sanji stood up out of the bed and had to shift his weight to keep from falling. He felt off center, like he’d forgotten how to walk in his own shoes. Except he wasn’t wearing any shoes. Just his white t-shirt and drawstring pajama pants.
He couldn’t very well go into the kitchen without something on his feet, the old geezer would have a heart attack and then kick him in the head if he ever found out, so he headed for the boys’ room instead. He’d change into some proper clothes and then make something quick and simple for his nakama. Maybe sandwiches.
As he ran through a mental list of the ingredients they had in stock, he walked silently down the hall and around the corner.
He heard them before they sensed his haki, largely thanks to his skill with observation haki and suppressing his presence. The voices were hushed but urgent.
“-to tell him?”
“I see no reason to deviate from the truth.”
“He’s going to freak out! I would and I wasn’t ever-”
“We tell him most of the truth then. Just, leave out the parts he’s not ready for us to know yet.”
“Not all of us are as good at lying as the two of you.”
“He is okay now, right, Chopper-Bro?”
“Yeah, his fever went away almost as soon as he turned back. I want to monitor him closely though since we don’t have any experience with this specific devil fruit effect so can we please hurry and decide so I can go back and-”
Sanji walked forward, allowing himself to be felt by those with developed Haki. Chopper sounded stressed and when he was stressed he didn’t eat well and that made Sanji stressed. Best to get whatever this was over with.
“Hey.” He rasped as he leaned against the doorway.
Nami jumped up and came to stand in front of him. She was acting differently than she normally would. Her hands were clasped behind her back and she was leaning into his personal space the way she did when she wanted something. She didn’t have to of course, Sanji would give her whatever she wanted anyway.
“Sanji! Did you have a good rest?”
“I must have since it’s noon. I’ll fix some lunch as soon as I’ve changed, then, I’m going to want to know why exactly the last thing I remember is walking into a castle on what was supposed to be a friendly Island.”
Luffy, true to form, threw both hands in the air and declared,
“I want Sanji to make meat!”
“Noted. We’re having sandwiches.”
“With meat!”
Sanji’s stern expression softened a little and he said,
“Yeah, sure, with meat.”
“I love my Shanks hat.” Luffy said, expression suddenly serious. “But I love Sanji more.”
Sanji brushed off the word love as easily as he brushed dust off of a black suit. Most of it was gone, but a little always stayed.
“You love eating meat for three meals a day. I expect you to eat the lettuce and tomatoes going into your lunch too, you aren’t a carnivore.”
Luffy didn’t look satisfied with his answer.
“We love Sanji’s food. But we love Sanji more.”
Sanji could feel his heart easing away from the sentiment the way a person eases away from a fire that’s started burning too hot.
Franky inadvertently changed the subject by scratching the back of his neck and saying,
“So uh, we kind of used up all the bread? We’ve had burgers and sandwiches for the last couple of days.”
Sanji’s eyes widened and his heart twisted.
“What? What else are we out of?!” The cook spun on his heel and hurried to his precious galley.
If he’d been unconscious for days that meant the others had full reign of his kitchen and even if they were careful the sea was merciless -the sea is vast- and if they didn’t have enough food to make it the the next grouping of islands he was going to have to break into his emergency preserves and then he’d have to go without and he really, really didn’t want to starve again.
He stepped foot over the threshold and mentally apologized to Zeff but the old man’s heart and Sanji’s head had both been through worse.
His galley however, had not.
It was a mess. Hardened pancake batter was splattered in little drips on the stove, the floor, the counter, and Sanji could see some stuck on the ceiling as well. Usopp had no doubt tried to flip a pancake. As he stepped further in his feet stuck to the floor from the sugary residue of nectarine juice.
Plates and pots were piled in the sink and although none of them had wasted bits of food on them they’d been sitting long enough to start to smell and- was that his good cast iron skillet!? That couldn’t get wet-!
Sanji processed the spilled spices and open flour container and the butter that had been left just sitting on the counter and tucked it all away for a meltdown for later.
First he opened every cupboard and checked what was there with what should have been. Then he did the same with the fridge, freezer, and pantry.
Either he had actually been unconscious longer than a few days or the groceries he’d bought had never made it back to the ship.
He spun to look at Nami, because he knew his Nakama would follow him, and demanded,
“How far to the next island?”
Nami blinked at the open pantry door like she hadn’t even considered them running out of food. Which would make Sanji happy when he wasn’t panicking because he knew that both Nami and Robin used to do their own accounting of their food stores as a habit from when they traveled alone. This meant they trusted him to keep track and had for a long while. Long enough to break the habbit/
“Three days.”
Sanji’s shoulders dropped in relief.
They could make it three days. Some of the food was a loss, because it had expired before being eaten or was improperly stored, but there would still be enough to last them three days without having to skip meals. They were totally out of ripe fruit, which was a strange thing to run out of unless someone had smoothies for every meal.
“Okay. That’s manageable. We don’t need to rush.” He took a deep breath and glared at them. “Now, which one of you slobs wrecked my kitchen?”
Usopp waved his hands frantically and insisted,
“It was a group effort! I swear! And Chopper made the pancakes!”
“I did not!”
“Right! It was Zoro! Zoro made the pancakes!”
Sanji stepped forward to chase Usopp but stopped when Nami pulled a chair out from the table and said,
“Oh Sanji, if you’ll just have a seat right here I’ll tell you exactly what happened.” She was still smiling her, give me what I want please, smile and Sanji didn’t have the heart to say no. He huffed,
“Fine. But those idiots have to start on the dishes.”
Usopp protested the whole way but Zoro pushed the dishrag against his chest and said,
“Quit screeching already, you sound like a whiney kid.”
“You have to help too!” Sanji scolded.
Nami leaned against the edge of the table and said,
“Allow me to summarize. When you didn’t come back to the ship we went looking for you around town. Word was the royal family were robbing people blind with taxes so high they couldn’t afford to eat any of the food they grew. Luffy made bringing down their regime a side quest to finding you. Usopp found you in the dungeon-” Sanji’s stomach dropped and he thought he was going to be sick. What had he said? What did they know? “-but you weren’t exactly yourself. You were a cute little kid! Seriously adorable. Chopper looked you over when we all got back to the ship and the last day and a half have been a blast.” Her smile became more genuine. “You mostly just ran around and played but you wanted to help prep the food too. Oh, and you were small enough you still took a nap in the afternoon.” Sanji wasn’t sure whether or not to be relieved. Nami seemed happy enough, but she was leaving a lot out.
leave out the parts he’s not ready for us to know yet.
Sanji pushed the thought out of his mind. It might not be what he thinks and if it was they were giving him an out and he was going to take it.
Chopper rested his chin on the edge of Sanji’s knee and asked pitifully,
“You really don’t remember anything?”
Sanji rubbed Chopper’s head.
“Nope. Was I a handful?”
Chopper pouted,
“It’s not that. It’s just that we had a lot of fun. I’m sad you don’t get to keep that.” Internally, Sanji cooed. “And-and I was your stuffed animal.”
Sanji’s face turned bright red with embarrassment as Zoro, Usopp, Luffy and Franky all burst out laughing. Usopp actually had tears in his eyes. Nami tried to muffle her giggles behind her hand but when she saw the betrayed look on Sanji’s face she doubled over to hold her stomach and cackled.
“That does it, everybody out. I’ll finish the rest myself once I’m dressed.”
Usopp wiped his eyes and tried to catch his breath only to start laughing all over again.
Sanji kicked him in the side hard enough to sting but not enough to hurt and stalked back out of the galley and to their room.
They were never going to take him seriously again were they?
Sanji’s cheeks were still red, but now they were flushed from shame.
He must have been such a pain for them to work around. A weak, whimpering, useless child that jumped at his own shadow and was so needy for attention and affection that he desperately begged at his father’s feet. It was humiliating in hindsight.
Nami’s bright smile came to mind and Chopper’s sincere voice,
“We had a lot of fun”
Sanji opened his sea chest and was surprised to see his All Blue book at the top. He usually kept it cushioned between shirts so it would stay safe. He ran his fingers over the vibrant cover and smiled. He remembered when Robin had given it to him. She was so awkward for someone who was usually so graceful that it made him think that this book was the first gift she’d ever given.
It only made Sanji treasure it more.
Had he told them about the All Blue as a child, or did they just assume he’d like it because he was still himself?
He set it gently on his hammock and his eyes caught on something small and fluffy near his pillow. He picked it up and rubbed his thumb over the fabric. It was expertly made and Sanji recognised Usopp’s handiwork. It was soft and warm and somehow Sanji knew what the weight of it on his chest would feel like. A stuffed animal rat.
Had he told them he fed the rats as a child or had Usopp made a lucky guess?
The whole day was filled with moments like this.
He was scrubbing cement-like pancake mix off of his beautiful counter and the next he’s looking at a dried nectarine peel on a stick standing in a vase like a flower. Seeing it he felt something giddy and unfamiliar bubbling in his chest. Somehow Sanji knew that if he blew on it, it would spin like a pinwheel.
On deck while he was delivering pan fried rice with chicken to everyone, he gained a shadow. Zoro followed him some places and not others. He had no idea why or why he wasn’t annoyed by it.
Brook was playing an old song on the violin and it was one of Sanji’s favorites. He had forgotten most of it, and the versions he’d heard since his youth had changed enough that it didn’t hold the same meaning it used it.
Sanji nearly tripped over his own feet when Brook got to the chorus and every note fell into its proper place like puzzle pieces he hadn’t known were missing. He could hear in his mind his mother’s voice in every rise and fall and he nearly burst into tears right there.
Sanji finally realized that Zoro was only following him when he walked too close to the railing or the stairs. The idiot’s paranoia was new, but the assurance Sanji felt knowing Zoro was watching his back wasn’t.
At the end of the day, he’d come to an undeniable, inescapable, utterly baffling conclusion.
They had loved him. Sanji as he had been when he was small and fragile and worthless. How could they love that unloveable child? Sanji looked back on clumsy hands and dewy eyes with nothing but shame and disgust.
But the evidence was irrefutable. Even Jinbei, with whom he had a respectful but shallow relationship, now smiled at him like they were old friends.
They had loved the most unworthy part of himself.
How?
“Hey.” Zoro interrupted his thoughts with a stern expression directed out at the open ocean. “You’re overthinking it again.” What did he mean again?! “It makes you happy right? So quit trying to justify it.”
Sanji’s cheeks flushed. Had he become so easy to read that even Zoro knew what he was thinking? Zoro!?
Sanji pushed down the feeling of familiarity those words had and lifted one leg up, shifting his weight back.
“Shut up, stupid moss head!”
“Finally. I’ve been itching for a good fight.” Zoro grinned wickedly and rested his hand on Wado in a ready position.
The two of them ran their paces with the usual ease. Not that it didn’t require effort. Both of them would be sweaty and sore by the end of it, they always were. But both of them were the best at what they did. Zoro was a master swordsman and Sanji had fought for nearly a decade with a martial arts style he’d learned from its creator.
Their movements were fluid and when hits landed it was with the perfect amount of force and restraint. Enough to sting, but not enough to hurt. It was cathartic and relieving and the perfect distraction from those vulnerable feelings he didn’t want to think about.
Sanji and Zoro broke apart, forever in their unofficial tie.
Robin and Jinbei were discussing an island they;d both visited while Brook and Usopp drew a mustache on Franky who had taken his life into his own hands by falling asleep on deck. No doubt their prank would backfire and Franky would think the impromptu goatee and mustache were “super”. Nami was checking their heading while Luffy hung off her back, complaining that he was bored. Chopper was climbing onto Zoro’s shoulders and insisting that he needed to stay hydrated after a workout like that.
Sanji looked out at his Nakama and suddenly the looming last word of Nami’s earlier statement, the “yet” that promised that someday he was going to have to show them everything, didn’t seem as frightening as it had been.
A book in his sea chest, a stuffed animal in his hammock, a dried pinwheel in his kitchen and a song in his heart.
The evidence was undeniable.
They loved him. They loved him now and they loved him then.
For the first time in his life he thought that if these people were to see all of him, the person that lied and ran away and knew what a sword’s hilt felt like when it bit into a fleshy palm, if they ever saw all of Sanji, including the bits he tried to hide, tucked away in a dark kitchen cupboard, they would love him too. The sea is vast, but somehow, they had found him.
There are things he’s not ready for them to know yet. But maybe...maybe there were somethings he was.
“Have I ever told you guys about my mom?”